How do I work out what to do next, without disrespecting my marriage.
February 17, 2014 3:02 PM Subscribe
Out of nowhere it seems, I’m considering asking my wife for a divorce and I can’t figure out if its because I met someone else I feel I’d really like to get to know or because I’ve realized that we just aren’t meant to be. Or am I just being a douche for even considering throwing away what I’m confident almost anyone would agree is a marriage to a great woman? Sorry for the long story…
My wife is a great person – of course – why would you marry someone you didn’t think this about? The list is huge – she’s smart, funny, empathetic, gets me, is very beautiful and will one day I know make a really wonderful mother. I know most would say all of this about their spouse, but even with rational eyes, the above is true. She has bad points too for sure, but no need to list those off as well. We’ve only been married about 18 months, but together for some time before this.
posted by anonymous to Society & Culture (58 answers total) 8 users marked this as a favorite
In the last few weeks I’ve started to feel that maybe we aren’t meant to be together long term, which actually feels pretty crappy to put down here – partly because its so soon after being married (this thought would have been better before) and she is getting to a point where she wants children, but really because she definitely doesn’t deserve to be thought of this way. Somehow though I think this is potentially the right thing for me.
To add some confusion I have suddenly had my attention diverted quite strongly by someone else. We met about a year ago, but in the last couple of weeks have become much closer. I don’t know this woman very well of course, but we have discussed how drawn to each other we are. She is extremely beautiful, smart, shares a lot of the same ethical ground as me – but I can’t get to know her properly I feel like, without disrespecting my wife. If not the trigger to this thought process, she is certainly an accelerator in a big way and I know she is having similar issues. She’s also in a relationship, but not married and all of a sudden I think we’re both:
a) Shocked at being drawn to someone else when just weeks ago our relationships were ticking along
b) Confused about why this is the case
c) Keen to get to know each other better, but have this huge guilt about doing so whilst in a relationship
d) Confused about where our lives are going and if there is really something to pursue together
If I’m suddenly considering separating from my wife, maybe for this and if I’m wrong, I’m making the biggest mistake of my life. Or maybe I’m not because despite what a wonderful person my wife is, I can’t say that I feel that deep desire, the butterflies in the stomach thing that people talk about when describing love. So maybe I shouldn’t have gotten married in the first place? OR because I already had this thought in the back of my mind maybe neither of these are connected.
Because of this thought process in just the last week I have found myself feeling very down about everything – work, friends, wife, not spending time with woman 2 – and my wife has of course noticed my change in mood. She’s asked what is wrong, has tried to support me, but now I’m wondering if this is another indicator of the relationship not being right for me OR its because I don’t know what to do… I do feel bad about what to her will appear a very sudden change in mood and if I were to suggest separating I think it would be truly shocking / incredibly painful to her. Especially so as she is so capable emotionally and as far as I know so in love with me. Just this weekend she said to me ‘I love being married to you’. And I’m considering this bombshell??
If I were to break up my marriage or separate it would come I think with some considerable changes in my life. Maybe travel for a while, spend some time away (I’m nearly 32 so hopefully not too late). I would also probably do at least a small amount of this with woman number 2 which feels like an exciting prospect. If I don’t, I think my wife and I are considering the same sort of thing, which is actually (I think at least) a less exciting prospect.
Knowing some of the advice that may surface here it’s worth knowing that I find love along with general understanding or showing of emotion very confusing and difficult. My childhood was one that was broadly emotionally distant, did contain some domestic violence and was among a family that moved around the country a lot, with a couple of fathers at the helm. I have previously sought counseling to talk about this, which was minimally effective and didn’t uncover anything necessarily useful so it’s not really a route I’m looking to pursue again.
Sorry for the confusing and slightly incoherent message here MeFi – appreciate the thoughts of anyone who broke off from what appeared to be a very good relationship or those who didn’t in a similar scenario and how this has worked out.