How do you stop thinking of something that still hurts?
February 8, 2014 2:00 AM Subscribe
If you've decided to let something go in a relationship, how do you get past it while it still hurts you?
posted by Autumn to Human Relations (21 answers total) 6 users marked this as a favorite
I'm in a new relationship; known each other a few months and haven't been dating long.
Recently found out he was on numerous dating sites; messaged a few people but it wasn't clear if that was after we were "official" or not. We talked about it, he said it was because he wasn't sure about me and still had feelings for his ex but as time goes by it feels more right; there was a lot more discussion but in order to be concise I won't go into details. I ultimately decided it wasn't a deal breaker but to proceed with caution.
The problem is, it was a trigger - in my relationship before this, the guy was on dating sites looking "for friends" and ended up cheating on me. And that whole relationship consisted of a year of him seeming into me... until he met someone he liked better. I came out of that with a strong viewpoint that if someone seems into me but also seems to want something more, I should cut my losses. So this situation has hit me a lot harder than it normally would, and I've gone from super-confident to insecure and hurt - which I know will torpedo things.
I've also been running hot and cold since I found this out - I'll be icy towards him when he first comes over, but I am into him so after a little while of being around him I'll warm up and act normally. I'm not doing this purposely; I can't "stay mad at" him, while he's actually here.
Even though we haven't known each other that long, we've spent 5+ days together every week since Thanksgiving... so I thought he was a lot more into me than he is, especially since he always initiates spending time together.
Most of my thoughts are of this situation now. I just want to go back to enjoying my life and being happy. I know time will help, but I don't know how to proceed normally with him while I'm still hurt and afraid.
I know it seems I'm overreacting, but the last 2 people I was really into would say they were really into me - but their actions said otherwise and I'm just reeling from potentially being in the same situation all over again; I feel as if there's something wrong with me and that's why I feel depressed.
We've already talked about it 3 times on 3 separate occasions, and I don't want to keep poisoning the well, so to speak; I also feel that because I'm reacting this way mostly due to past experiences (I think), I need to fix it myself. How do I do this? TIA.