I need to move to LA in March, but do you want to get a drink?
February 7, 2014 11:14 AM Subscribe
I've been very busy with a work-at-home project for the past 4 months and I'd like to get out of the house. I'm in Minneapolis but moving to California mid March. A number of women have contacted me on OK Cupid over the past week. They seem great, and I would like to ask them out to dinner or a drink. I do want to maximize my chance of going out, but also feel like springing that info mid-date will ruin the vibe. Should I tell them I am moving before meeting up in person?
When I lived in NYC, women were interested in very casual dating, just to get out of the house, with no expectations. In Minnesota it seems like asking someone out on a date is a bit more of a loaded proposition. I have this assumption that if I say I am leaving town, I will automatically not be going out, whereas in NYC I wouldn't have worried about it. This could be all in my head, or from spending too much time with my bad rom-com obsessed female relatives.
When I lived in NYC, women were interested in very casual dating, just to get out of the house, with no expectations. In Minnesota it seems like asking someone out on a date is a bit more of a loaded proposition. I have this assumption that if I say I am leaving town, I will automatically not be going out, whereas in NYC I wouldn't have worried about it. This could be all in my head, or from spending too much time with my bad rom-com obsessed female relatives.
I would tell them in advance, just because I personally would appreciate knowing that about someone I was going on an okcupid date with. But say something similar to what you've said here about how you're looking to get out of the house and enjoy nice conversation w/ cool people, so that they are reassured that you are not just looking for a hookup. Can't speak to the dating scene in Minneapolis, but I'd feel very positive about somebody who was straightforward with me about this relevant information.
posted by aka burlap at 11:23 AM on February 7, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by aka burlap at 11:23 AM on February 7, 2014 [1 favorite]
Does your OK Cupid profile say you're looking for a relationship? Do you mention you moving out of state soon? If you're presenting yourself as available for a relationship, I'd just be up-front about it before a date happens. If you're presenting yourself as available for casual, non-exclusive dating - I don't see a problem with pursuing dates. Just be honest about your situation.
posted by quince at 11:24 AM on February 7, 2014 [2 favorites]
posted by quince at 11:24 AM on February 7, 2014 [2 favorites]
Tell them in advance. Some folks would love to meet someone new, in a non-romantic kind of way, or might be up for a 4 month fling. But other folks are really looking for a long term romantic prospect.
Be respectful and mention it up front.
"I'm winding things down romantically here in the Twin Cities because I'm moving in a few months. Your profile is really great and I'd love meet you out for drinks or dinner sometime. Is that something you'd be interested in?"
You never know, but at least if you're up front, there's no misunderstanding down the road.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 11:26 AM on February 7, 2014 [4 favorites]
Be respectful and mention it up front.
"I'm winding things down romantically here in the Twin Cities because I'm moving in a few months. Your profile is really great and I'd love meet you out for drinks or dinner sometime. Is that something you'd be interested in?"
You never know, but at least if you're up front, there's no misunderstanding down the road.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 11:26 AM on February 7, 2014 [4 favorites]
If their profiles say 'looking for a long-term relationship' then I think you really have to give them a heads up, since a date would be a waste of their time, no offense. If their profiles say they are looking for friends/casual/whatever then I don't think it's necessary to tell them pre-date, although it would probably still be cool of you to say something like, "Hey, I would love to meet you for a date, but just so you know I'm moving out of the state in March. If that fact means that you aren't interested in meeting up, I totally understand, but I hope to hear from you."
posted by gatorae at 11:29 AM on February 7, 2014
posted by gatorae at 11:29 AM on February 7, 2014
The city part is nearly irrelevant. There are some women everywhere who would be fine with just a nice chat over a drink. There are some who would rather not waste their time if they're looking for a relationship. There may or may not be more of one type than the other in a given city, sure. Having more info up front, not less, is good policy regardless.
posted by slow graffiti at 11:31 AM on February 7, 2014
posted by slow graffiti at 11:31 AM on February 7, 2014
When I was going through this exact thing, I declared a moratorium on dating during the weird liminal "I'm moving across the country in a month" period.
I mean, maaaayyybeeee if this is your only potential social outlet? Or if it's explicit that this is just for the purposes of hooking up?
But, I don't know, when I was doing this, I was pretty consumed with spending time with the friends I was leaving in the move.
Keep in mind that mid-March is like a month from now. That's too short even for "short term dating", in my book. If you were moving in six months, I would say sure, continue to date, you never know. But if you're moving next month you might have time to get to a second date with someone before your life descends into packing and forwarding addresses and tying up loose ends.
posted by Sara C. at 11:51 AM on February 7, 2014 [5 favorites]
I mean, maaaayyybeeee if this is your only potential social outlet? Or if it's explicit that this is just for the purposes of hooking up?
But, I don't know, when I was doing this, I was pretty consumed with spending time with the friends I was leaving in the move.
Keep in mind that mid-March is like a month from now. That's too short even for "short term dating", in my book. If you were moving in six months, I would say sure, continue to date, you never know. But if you're moving next month you might have time to get to a second date with someone before your life descends into packing and forwarding addresses and tying up loose ends.
posted by Sara C. at 11:51 AM on February 7, 2014 [5 favorites]
If you're interested in being ethical and fair, you need to state your upcoming move explicitly in your profile, in a prominent place. I'd be ticked off if I wasted my time writing a nice query to a guy who chose to omit this very important piece of information; I'd be SUPER pissed if he didn't reveal it until the first date.
If you opt not to disclose in your profile, then you need to let the ladies know of your pending move in your very first message to them.
posted by nacho fries at 12:18 PM on February 7, 2014
If you opt not to disclose in your profile, then you need to let the ladies know of your pending move in your very first message to them.
posted by nacho fries at 12:18 PM on February 7, 2014
Response by poster: More info, then I won't threadsit:
This is kinda my only social outlet. I'm house sitting for a relative. I had moved from NYC and was planning on staying here, but after about a month I decided I don't want to live here permanently. My friends and siblings from the area have all moved elsewhere. I'm here with my aunts and uncles, grandparents, and much younger cousins. My social life consists of bringing coffee and cookies to my 90 year old grandparents and watching Walking Dead with my aunt on Sunday night. My most recent project finished up about a week ago and I've been kind of going stir crazy with the polar vortex and lack of really anything to do.
I honestly probably don't do OK Cupid properly, my profile is very jokey and I wasn't sure what I had put down for what types of relationships I was looking for.
posted by BabeTheBlueOX at 12:26 PM on February 7, 2014
This is kinda my only social outlet. I'm house sitting for a relative. I had moved from NYC and was planning on staying here, but after about a month I decided I don't want to live here permanently. My friends and siblings from the area have all moved elsewhere. I'm here with my aunts and uncles, grandparents, and much younger cousins. My social life consists of bringing coffee and cookies to my 90 year old grandparents and watching Walking Dead with my aunt on Sunday night. My most recent project finished up about a week ago and I've been kind of going stir crazy with the polar vortex and lack of really anything to do.
I honestly probably don't do OK Cupid properly, my profile is very jokey and I wasn't sure what I had put down for what types of relationships I was looking for.
posted by BabeTheBlueOX at 12:26 PM on February 7, 2014
Best answer: Oh, yeah, if this is a case of using OKCupid as a MeetUp alternative, then, yeah, I guess?
I would put a note to this effect in your profile, explain that you are moving in a month, and maybe change your "What I'm Looking For" info to reflect your intended use of the site.
I have been messaged to ask if I just want to hang out for social purposes, and that's fine. I have also been messaged by people who are only temporarily in my area, and that's also fine. Just be up front about it and make this information easily understood on your profile.
posted by Sara C. at 12:31 PM on February 7, 2014 [1 favorite]
I would put a note to this effect in your profile, explain that you are moving in a month, and maybe change your "What I'm Looking For" info to reflect your intended use of the site.
I have been messaged to ask if I just want to hang out for social purposes, and that's fine. I have also been messaged by people who are only temporarily in my area, and that's also fine. Just be up front about it and make this information easily understood on your profile.
posted by Sara C. at 12:31 PM on February 7, 2014 [1 favorite]
Put it as the first thing in your profile. You may meet a woman who is also planning to go to LA.
posted by Sophont at 12:37 PM on February 7, 2014
posted by Sophont at 12:37 PM on February 7, 2014
If you are not looking for a relationship, don't present yourself as such on your profile. Looking for friends only is just fine! If you're looking for romance that could potentially go long distance when you move, say so in your profile. Be straightforward in your profile, always. "I'm moving in March, but I want to enjoy myself and be social while I'm here, so don't be shy!" is totally OK.
posted by blnkfrnk at 1:14 PM on February 7, 2014
posted by blnkfrnk at 1:14 PM on February 7, 2014
If you're just looking for a social outlet and to meet people for drinks/conversation with over the next few weeks, maybe look at Meetup? I mean, because most people on OkCupid are using it primarily for dating. But if you do propose hanging out with someone from OkCupid, definitely give them a heads up beforehand so they don't have the wrong expectation.
posted by Asparagus at 1:33 PM on February 7, 2014 [2 favorites]
posted by Asparagus at 1:33 PM on February 7, 2014 [2 favorites]
So I met Mr. Arnicae roughly 3 months before a move 5 hours away. Oddly enough, I had ALREADY CHANGED MY PROFILE to the new city when he contacted me. Go for it. You never know what might happen.
But maybe do what I did - change your profile location to the new city, and just state in your profile that you're living in old city but about to move to the new city. I wouldn't bother mentioning it in your emails beyond it - most folks with review your profile before they agree to drinks.
posted by arnicae at 4:46 PM on February 7, 2014
But maybe do what I did - change your profile location to the new city, and just state in your profile that you're living in old city but about to move to the new city. I wouldn't bother mentioning it in your emails beyond it - most folks with review your profile before they agree to drinks.
posted by arnicae at 4:46 PM on February 7, 2014
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posted by fluffy battle kitten at 11:22 AM on February 7, 2014 [1 favorite]