Do I tell my wife that I have a child with someone else?
December 31, 2013 10:22 AM Subscribe
A long time ago, I asked this question.
Since, I learned that it is most likely my child, but the mother does not wish for me to play a role in his upbringing. I made the promise I would keep it between the two of us, but my wife demands to know what is going on.
posted by Bathtub Bobsled to Human Relations (59 answers total) 13 users marked this as a favorite
After communicating with the woman, I was told that it is "almost certain" the child is mine, but that she doesn't want anything to change in her life at this moment, and she intends to consider telling him the situation when he turns 18. She told me that she respects my desire to be a part of my son's life, and she can't make me do anything I don't want to do, but she asked if I would be willing to respect her decision. Her current husband knows, and her parents know, but as far as anyone else in their life, they have simply avoided the topic and left it assumed why he's called "daddy." (Which absolutely pains me to think about).
I am seeing a counselor and I ultimately decided I would honor her request, and after telling her this, she said that she would be willing to stay in touch (sparingly, I assume) and have me present, if I wish, if they tell him.
My wife was aware of my initial suspicions but, respecting the mother's wishes, I have told her I have decided to let the matter rest and would not pursue it further (which is, technically, the truth). This morning my wife said she knows I had been in touch with the woman, and asked me, flat out, if I was telling her everything. I told her yes, and she got mad. She took the kids to her parents' house and said she was going to give me "some time to think about [this.]" Without knowing what she knows and how, I don't know what to tell her, without going back on my word. Aside from the mother, surrogate father, mother's parents, myself, and people who know me only as Bathtub Bobsled, nobody knows about this, which means I have no one to talk to. My psychologist is not available (out of the country until the 6th).
My wife had told me, when this started, that she would be there to support me, no matter what I found out, and that she didn't feel it would be fair for her to hold something against me that happened long before we met. But I know that this is something that can greatly change the dynamic, especially if she learns I pretty much lied to her. I made a vow to her when we got married, but I also made a promise to someone else, and I'm not one to go back on my word.
I feel I shouldn't have tried to find out and things would have been better if I never did, but I can't undo what had been done. What do I do?