My wife's younger sister who works night shift as a nurse stays 2 to 3 days a week at our house even though she has her own apartment. The days she spends at our house, she is either sleeping, eating or online.
There are things about her that are rather annoying. They are bearable but weekly repetition is what makes it unbearable.
She does not greet when she enters or leaves the house. She greets a goodbye only if she sees me. At first, I thought there was something wrong with my attitude. People do find me a bit rude and blunt at first but as they get to know me better they acknowledge my straight forward, frank nature. I even asked my best friend and his older brother both whom I highly regard about this uncomfortable situation. Both suggested to have a heart to heart conversation with her. I then told my wife about her sister not greeting. My wife agreed saying that her sister's nature is as such and I’m also not to blame for expecting her sister to greet. My wife then told her sister that day and later that night when they were eating dinner, I told her sister that people find me a bit rude and blunt but I want her to feel comfortable around me to which she interrupted and said it was her and not me. When I continued, my wife interrupted saying that it was her sister's problem and not mine and to not make a big deal preventing open discussion.
: She does not drive so either my wife or I drive her around the past year and a half. Sher has never asked me directly for a ride. It is always my wife asking me to give her a ride. She has a Driver License from another state but is not confident to drive in the city where we live so I suggested she learn to drive from a professional. I even got her the contact but she told my wife that her boyfriend would teach her. Her boyfriend lives in the East Coast who visits her often. She works a few blocks from our house and her apartment is walking distance across the hospital so driving her to work/apartment is less than a mile. Recently, she applied and got a new job which is 10 miles from our house. After I dropped her and waited more than an hour for her final interview, I told her that she should buy a car and drive the street avoiding the highway for her new job. I also told her to "put herself in our shoes". Since then, she has never asked me for a ride. She walks to her apartment from our house.
: We had a baby girl in December and I was hoping she would take some time off to help but either she could not get time off or she did not ask for vacation. So I ended up calling my parents to help out. She did stay for 2 days at our house taking care of our 2 year old son since my son is not used to my parents but is used to her. This was very useful and I thanked her.
Minuscule things which irritates me are:
She does not help with any household chores. She does do her own dishes and on rare occasions, she will do all dishes in the sink.
She will forget to take her cup or glass after she is done eating from our dining table even after being told.
She will not keep her shoes in the shoes stand even after being told.
She will not close the toilet cover after she’s done even after being told.
She will not keep all her belongings in the drawer she was specifically told to keep her things. We have a very active 2 year old who could get hurt over her things - laptop, cup, glass etc. Bottom-line, she will not treat our house like she keeps her apartment neat and tidy.
Since she works nights, she sleeps during the day. When she’s awake for the rest of the day, she yawns incessantly which is extremely annoying and worse still, she wont have the decency to excuse herself.
In the beginning when she lived with us for about 2 months, she would mostly sleep in the family room couch watching TV forgetting to turn it off falling asleep. Nowadays, she stays closed in our extra bedroom with her Laptop online.
Upon my wife’s request I had tuned her Laptop, added Memory and got her a new Laptop battery for which she paid for the parts. But even after her Laptop was perfectly working, she used my Laptop for many months. Eventually, I had to tell my wife to tell her to use her own Laptop. Now she leaves her Laptop at our house and uses it when she is here. Her apartment does not have Internet connection. Sometimes, I feel she comes to our house mainly to go online since she stays in our extra bedroom with her Laptop.
The only useful thing she does in our house is that she will often play with my 2 year old son.
I spoke to my dad about this and he thinks since my wife appears more powerful than me, her sister unknowingly takes me for granted. (I tend to think I have the power over my wife over our finances and important decisions. I let my wife take all other decisions. I also think we both think alike. We are both Libra and straight forward people.) I don’t have malice towards her but the fact she does not greet leads me to believe there is something in my attitude. I feel that I shouldn't feel uncomfortable asking her to help with chores in the house. I tend to believe she is young and has not matured but she is 28 years old. Is it her attitude or my attitude ?
Her boyfriend is in town for a month. She has not come to our house since he’s been here. The last time I saw her was at a friend's wedding last weekend. I helped her obtain wedding scarfs to put on bride and groom (done in our Asian culture). When I left the wedding with my baby girl in car seat, I walked past ignoring her since I knew she had a ride.
I’m getting obsessive about this situation but don’t know how to handle it. Out of sight, out of mind could work only if she did not come to our house for her stay-over weekly.
I have scoured online and metafilter regarding this issue and I would like to borrow these these lines from http://ask.metafilter.com/185678/How-long-should-the-sisterinlaw-stay
“As anyone with small kids knows, family life with a full time job is already pretty stressful; and all marriages needs constant upkeep. Yeah, I'm looking for the magic answer that resolves all conflicts and makes everyone happy - or failing that, some advice on how not to be a jerk to family!”