Is it already over?
March 1, 2011 1:20 PM Subscribe
My husband treated me unfairly for a long time, I got emotionally set to divorce and ... now he's doing all the right things. Internet, is it already over?
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (43 answers total) 12 users marked this as a favorite
I spent most of our relationship (married two and a half years, dating for three before that) feeling terrible, complaining to him about him being distant emotionally and uncaring about my life and interests. He also criticized me in many ways I found hurtful but that he felt were constructive. My complaining/unwillingness to change quickly made him annoyed and tired, which made him more distant. We were locked in a cycle where I antagonized him to get attention and he was ... annoyed by that.
Fair enough! Definitely! So I guess gradually I started not to rely on him for emotional support, physical presence at events, etc. And we kept fighting when we'd see each other between demanding work schedules.
It got so bad that over the holidays we said the word divorce. I figured it was over and started kind of accepting it and trying to find the good in it. But as that was happening for me, he went through some crisis and realized what he would lose if I were gone and that he was the one who could break the cycle of distant/sad/distant.
Since then, he's been making me elaborate meals, buying me flowers, taking me out, planning surprises, taking interest in my hobbies and ... doing everything I begged him to do for years! Of course, that's not the end of the story.
This new effort, I should have been thrilled about? It doesn't feel right to me.
I told him I was "out of love," but that we could work on it, and maybe have a normal marriage again. He's been ... clingy (understandable!), and kind of pushy in the bedroom area (like, I felt like I was divorcing this guy! I am not excited to immediately jump back in bed!) and really, really emotional. ... like I used to be.
I know that if we weren't married it would have been over a long time ago. I feel like when he said "divorce," I checked out.
I want things to work, not least because I care a lot about my husband and because the making of vows was meaningful to me. But how long can I wait to feel love again -- when I'm not sure I ever really felt it? How do I learn to share my life with someone who always wanted to live independently from me? How can I trust such a huge 180 change?
I know that the Right and Proper thing to do would be to suck it up and honor my marriage vows, forgive him and try to will myself to have kind feelings for him besides "please don't be mad at me." To wait until I have butterflies and rainbows and want to involve him in my life rather than trying to keep him out of it as much as I can in order to protect my emotions -- just in case.
But the waiting is killing him, and it's making me sadder and tired-er and associating him even more with sadness and tiredness to me. Should I stick this out? Is this a rough period I can expect in a marriage? Or is it already over?
Thank you mefi! anonforaday-at-gee-mail