How do I reduce my feelings of guilt and anxiety?
August 18, 2013 3:44 PM Subscribe
These feelings are with food and my mother mainly. My eating disorder started in 2010 when I was living with my alcoholic mum and her abusive boyfriend for a few months to try to get her to leave and start a new life elsewhere. Since then it has gotten out of hand, I lost around 20 pounds and gained almost 40 in a year.
posted by lovisa91 to human relations (16 answers total) 1 user marked this as a favorite
I have been to therapy and it hasn't helped.
When my parents were together my mum used to drink in secret and get very angry. She then found a boyfriend on the other side of the world and left us to be with him. I was 15 years old so not too young thankfully, and my brother was 12. He used to be a mummy boy but when she left I had to sort of look after him. My mum is now broke even though my dad sends her money, the government took away her house as she couldn't pay bills. When I turned 18 I went to live with her before university, to see what was going on as she barely spoke to us and I missed her. While I was there her boyfriend would beat her up as well as one of her friends and he has guns. I called the police who took away his guns but later have them back. At one point I was so scared I kicked him out of the house and slept with all the knives in my room. My mum would drink and call me a bitch and insult me. I have not been to that country since. I developed an eating problem there which intensified during university. This university is in a foreign country far from my mother and my father.
At first I had anorexia but I hid it very well so even though I weighed 98 pounds, I convinced my dad that I could gain back the weight and be fine. Well I did gain it back but by bingeing, and now three years later I am still bulimic but instead of everyday I only do it once a month.
It has taken me a while but I have learned that my mother is not my responsibility, and that I should live my life without worrying too much about her as she has been given plenty of opportunities to leave but refuses. Now I have finished university and have an amazing boyfriend and friends and I feel very happy. I am moving to a big city as I got a job, and will be living with my best friend. However, my dad is trying to make my mother move in with me instead, which gives me panic attacks and feelings of fear. She came to visit me in June and was of course drunk on my graduation and crying everyday. Is it selfish that I refuse to have her live with me? I offered to have her live near me and I help with her bills, but my dad says that I have to live with her in the flat as I should help her. I feel guilty for not wanting this, and would like another view on this situation. She lives in a cold country in a house with no heating with her boyfriend. People say I am too nice and I should learn to be a little selfish, however I am not sure if I should apply it to this case where she may be at her lowest point in life and nobody wants to employ her.
Also, even though I feel happy, my relationship with food is still unhealthy sometimes. For example yesterday I ate some fish and chips and felt guilty so then I couldn't stop eating sugary foods, and we went out for alcoholic drinks which also makes me anxious and want to eat even more. When this happens I get very upset and sleep all day the next day which has happened today. This happens around once a month. I am not sure if I should cut out sugar which is a trigger, or try to have it moderation withouth feeling guilty, as well as alcohol? Btw I am a vegetarian.
Therefore my questions are, should I make my mum live with me? And do you have any advice for my unhealthy relationship with food? Thank you.