Was my mother abusive or just a bad mother? Maybe neither?
August 9, 2013 8:00 AM Subscribe
I'm currently 34, but I'm dealing with things that happened when I was 16-23. I'm worried that I'm overreacting, misplacing blame, or being unfair. Was my mother abusive or just a bad mother? Maybe neither? I know this is unwieldy, but I'm flailing about somewhat trying to find my footing. I feel guilty for reacting to things that happened so long ago.
After a major breakdown 12 years ago I was prescribed anti-depressants. 9 years ago I tried to kill myself. I'm trying to recover from trauma and I'm not sure of my feelings. I've been researching enmeshment and unhealthy mother-son relationships, and I'm wondering how fair it is to cut my mom out of my life all this time later. She is much improved, mostly because I moved out at 23 and established boundaries. As I'm dealing with the behavior of my parents, I'm getting intensely angry at them. My therapist thinks that I'm finally working on it because I feel safe for the first time in my life.
Perhaps the easiest thing is to list some of the issues I'm dealing with:
- My parents knew that I tapped my cabinets in a certain order a certain number of times and constantly checked behind my door saying “there’s nothing behind the door”. They knew that went I through a phase of repeatedly asking everyone if they had spit in my food. They never had me evaluated.
- I would sit at the kitchen table and try to study/do homework for high school and then college. My mother and sister would get into intense, long-winded yelling matches. When I tried to leave the house, mom would block the door and cry. If I managed to get into the car, she’d stand behind it until I agreed to go back inside.
- I never received any kind of talk regarding sex, only that it was dangerous and something that good people didn’t do until marriage. After my first sexual contact (at 17) with my girlfriend, I started having trouble feeling sensation in my groin. A urologist suggested that my lack of sensation in my genital area was due to psychological issues. My parents never followed it up.
- My parents didn’t have friends. If my dad tried to associate with anyone outside the immediate family after the work day ended, mom got very angry. She would throw a fit if he brought wine coolers or margarita mix into the house.
- After causing emotional blow-ups, my mom's response was “I’m sorry that you got upset.”
- My mom once checked my speedometer after a date to see if I only went as far as I had claimed. She once heard me shut the closet door, investigated why I was in there, and then interrogated me over my use of Neospoirin - the tube was in a different orientation that she had left it.
- Regarding my girlfriend, my mom would say things like: “I know that she thinks she loves you.” My mom would constantly ask questions like: “is your girlfriend gaining weight?” and “do you think she’ll work if you get married?” She once commented about my girlfriend's breast size. My mom would also like to talk about how people sometimes stay together out of habit rather than out of love. I realize now that she was likely talking about her own situation, but she acted like it was all about me.
I beat myself for not leaving that environment as soon as I could, but at the time I felt like I would be abandoning my mother. She was extremely unhappy, and I tried to be her emotional support. It's clear to me now that nothing I did would ever have been enough, and I lost myself in the process.
So: was this abuse, was she simply an unhinged, bad mother, both, or neither? I'm angry over what I see as neglect and that my mom made me her emotional spouse. Many of her reactions strike me as those of a jealous spouse rather than a mother.
After a major breakdown 12 years ago I was prescribed anti-depressants. 9 years ago I tried to kill myself. I'm trying to recover from trauma and I'm not sure of my feelings. I've been researching enmeshment and unhealthy mother-son relationships, and I'm wondering how fair it is to cut my mom out of my life all this time later. She is much improved, mostly because I moved out at 23 and established boundaries. As I'm dealing with the behavior of my parents, I'm getting intensely angry at them. My therapist thinks that I'm finally working on it because I feel safe for the first time in my life.
Perhaps the easiest thing is to list some of the issues I'm dealing with:
- My parents knew that I tapped my cabinets in a certain order a certain number of times and constantly checked behind my door saying “there’s nothing behind the door”. They knew that went I through a phase of repeatedly asking everyone if they had spit in my food. They never had me evaluated.
- I would sit at the kitchen table and try to study/do homework for high school and then college. My mother and sister would get into intense, long-winded yelling matches. When I tried to leave the house, mom would block the door and cry. If I managed to get into the car, she’d stand behind it until I agreed to go back inside.
- I never received any kind of talk regarding sex, only that it was dangerous and something that good people didn’t do until marriage. After my first sexual contact (at 17) with my girlfriend, I started having trouble feeling sensation in my groin. A urologist suggested that my lack of sensation in my genital area was due to psychological issues. My parents never followed it up.
- My parents didn’t have friends. If my dad tried to associate with anyone outside the immediate family after the work day ended, mom got very angry. She would throw a fit if he brought wine coolers or margarita mix into the house.
- After causing emotional blow-ups, my mom's response was “I’m sorry that you got upset.”
- My mom once checked my speedometer after a date to see if I only went as far as I had claimed. She once heard me shut the closet door, investigated why I was in there, and then interrogated me over my use of Neospoirin - the tube was in a different orientation that she had left it.
- Regarding my girlfriend, my mom would say things like: “I know that she thinks she loves you.” My mom would constantly ask questions like: “is your girlfriend gaining weight?” and “do you think she’ll work if you get married?” She once commented about my girlfriend's breast size. My mom would also like to talk about how people sometimes stay together out of habit rather than out of love. I realize now that she was likely talking about her own situation, but she acted like it was all about me.
I beat myself for not leaving that environment as soon as I could, but at the time I felt like I would be abandoning my mother. She was extremely unhappy, and I tried to be her emotional support. It's clear to me now that nothing I did would ever have been enough, and I lost myself in the process.
So: was this abuse, was she simply an unhinged, bad mother, both, or neither? I'm angry over what I see as neglect and that my mom made me her emotional spouse. Many of her reactions strike me as those of a jealous spouse rather than a mother.
In my opinion this is inattentive and self-involved parenting but is not abuse. You can make decisions today about the relationship you have today, and if she's improved and you have good boundaries, I'm unclear on what the upside is today to cutting her out of your life.
If you're looking for a way to communicate "Hey, I really feel like you failed me as a teen" then work with your therapist to address that issue.
posted by DarlingBri at 8:21 AM on August 9, 2013 [13 favorites]
If you're looking for a way to communicate "Hey, I really feel like you failed me as a teen" then work with your therapist to address that issue.
posted by DarlingBri at 8:21 AM on August 9, 2013 [13 favorites]
From my perspective (as a parent of teens and knowing a lot of other parents of teens, FWIW), I see a parent who is, as you say "extremely unhappy" and enmeshed, and who holds certain prudish sexual beliefs that are clearly not in line with your beliefs but that are also not illegal in this country (and recall, abuse and neglect are not just descriptors but also crimes). If that's the worst you can recall, I wouldn't call it abuse or neglect. Her level of emotional dependence on you is/was unhealthly, but I don't see it as particularly "spousal." There are plenty of daughters who get the same treatment, and I think if the gender difference weren't there you might not be framing it in that light.
That said, it's equally clear that you didn't get the kind of love, support, and caring from your parents that you needed from your mom. That's still a "blameworthy offense" in the annals of parenting, and if you feel it would be more beneficial to your future recovery to limit or eliminate your exposure to her/them, then you HAVE MY PERMISSION TO DO SO. Parents don't need to be guilty of crimes for one to have an unhealthy relationship with them, and you need and deserve to look after your own health first.
posted by drlith at 8:21 AM on August 9, 2013 [6 favorites]
That said, it's equally clear that you didn't get the kind of love, support, and caring from your parents that you needed from your mom. That's still a "blameworthy offense" in the annals of parenting, and if you feel it would be more beneficial to your future recovery to limit or eliminate your exposure to her/them, then you HAVE MY PERMISSION TO DO SO. Parents don't need to be guilty of crimes for one to have an unhealthy relationship with them, and you need and deserve to look after your own health first.
posted by drlith at 8:21 AM on August 9, 2013 [6 favorites]
Parents do not know what the heck they are doing. You didn't come with an instruction manual. Being a parent didn't require a licensing exam before they were approved to give birth to you. Your mom and dad's social quirks never got in the way of the way they were living their own lives, so they didn't think to raise you in a way that would have been more socially beneficial to you-- after all, it was working for them, so clearly they weren't doing anything wrong. Presumably your parents were not doctors or nurses, and if they were, they were probably not psychiatrists, so how were they supposed to know that your cabinet-tapping was a sign of OCD? They probably just thought it was an odd habit or maybe something you did to annoy them. Parents get into arguments with their kids and don't know how to deal with it.
Parenting is the ultimate Kobayashi Maru test. You are going to fail at it in some way. I am sorry your mom failed in the specific way that she did, because it sounds like you could have used some more help and attention in a way that you never got. Look at this question posted to Ask Metafilter today:
It's good you have a therapist. It doesn't sound like you need to cut your mother out of your life, just establish your own life, you own boundaries, and your own social circle and chosen family of loved ones who will have your back and provide the structure you need to make your way in the world, which your parents did not give you.
posted by bright colored sock puppet at 8:22 AM on August 9, 2013 [24 favorites]
Parenting is the ultimate Kobayashi Maru test. You are going to fail at it in some way. I am sorry your mom failed in the specific way that she did, because it sounds like you could have used some more help and attention in a way that you never got. Look at this question posted to Ask Metafilter today:
I was raised by parents who, among other things, made bad social decisions and encouraged me to behave similarly. It took me a long time to break those negative behavior patterns.That happens more than you would think. It doesn't sound like your parents were malicious, simply not very good at their jobs.
It's good you have a therapist. It doesn't sound like you need to cut your mother out of your life, just establish your own life, you own boundaries, and your own social circle and chosen family of loved ones who will have your back and provide the structure you need to make your way in the world, which your parents did not give you.
posted by bright colored sock puppet at 8:22 AM on August 9, 2013 [24 favorites]
I'm sorry you went through this. It sounds like your mom at the very least had some interactions with you that might fall under "emotional incest." She seems to have had bad boundaries. (On preview I also agree with Jessamyn that borderline personality disorder may be an issue).
AskMe always recommends therapy for this sort of problem, and I really think that can help. You are not alone. My father was like this toward me to some extent. Whether it's technically "abuse" or not is not so much the problem as how it affected you.
posted by Rainflower at 8:23 AM on August 9, 2013 [3 favorites]
AskMe always recommends therapy for this sort of problem, and I really think that can help. You are not alone. My father was like this toward me to some extent. Whether it's technically "abuse" or not is not so much the problem as how it affected you.
posted by Rainflower at 8:23 AM on August 9, 2013 [3 favorites]
What are you hoping to get over clarification on this? Your mom seems weird. She sounds like she was struggling with control and attachment issues. She sounds like her marriage was confusing for her. I think the trope of mom's relying on son's for an emotional fulfillment is there because it's so common. My MIL raised a smart, sensitive, independent boy but when he went off to college, she went 'round the bend and never quite recovered. We've tried to figure out if that was coincidental or a cumulative effect but given that she will not discuss or admit her (very serious, life-threatening and destructive) problems, it's hard to know.
As I have become a mother myself, it really has changed my perspective on my parents (as all and sundry said it would). I now realize in a very clear way that parents mostly don't know what they are doing. Having and caring for children is an all-encompassing emotional event and things that you handled just fine without children (tough times in a marriage, career worries, etc) can get magnified when children are in the picture. Which is not to excuse anything your mother did or didn't do but does it help if you presume no malice but assume that she came to you broken in some way?
posted by amanda at 8:27 AM on August 9, 2013 [7 favorites]
As I have become a mother myself, it really has changed my perspective on my parents (as all and sundry said it would). I now realize in a very clear way that parents mostly don't know what they are doing. Having and caring for children is an all-encompassing emotional event and things that you handled just fine without children (tough times in a marriage, career worries, etc) can get magnified when children are in the picture. Which is not to excuse anything your mother did or didn't do but does it help if you presume no malice but assume that she came to you broken in some way?
posted by amanda at 8:27 AM on August 9, 2013 [7 favorites]
Your mom clearly had problems. She dealt with them by using you. Whether this is abusive or not is up to you, but it's clearly not good parenting skills.
I recommend reading Drama of the Gifted Child. It may shed some light on what you went through. Also, Cheri Huber's There is nothing wrong with you.
My parents were incredibly flawed. It's taken me a long, long, long time to get to a point where I'm not angry anymore at what could have been. Both of these books helped tremendously.
posted by Sophie1 at 8:29 AM on August 9, 2013 [8 favorites]
I recommend reading Drama of the Gifted Child. It may shed some light on what you went through. Also, Cheri Huber's There is nothing wrong with you.
My parents were incredibly flawed. It's taken me a long, long, long time to get to a point where I'm not angry anymore at what could have been. Both of these books helped tremendously.
posted by Sophie1 at 8:29 AM on August 9, 2013 [8 favorites]
Reading what you wrote, it sounds like your mother did have some issues of her own that she couldn't address herself (or denied it to herself). I think that is what was overshadowing her ability to be a decent parent to you.
In terms of not getting you evaluated when you were younger, perhaps she was intensely private, and didn't want her family life exposed to a doctor that could potentially cast light on HER problems, which could mean she would have to seek help. Psychiatry can be scary for many, and many are not prepared for it because it forces them to put a mirror in front of them...and deal with everything bad that has happened to them.
I am sorry your teen years were unstable with your mother, and I am glad you are receiving help yourself.
posted by MeatheadBrokeMyChair at 8:30 AM on August 9, 2013
In terms of not getting you evaluated when you were younger, perhaps she was intensely private, and didn't want her family life exposed to a doctor that could potentially cast light on HER problems, which could mean she would have to seek help. Psychiatry can be scary for many, and many are not prepared for it because it forces them to put a mirror in front of them...and deal with everything bad that has happened to them.
I am sorry your teen years were unstable with your mother, and I am glad you are receiving help yourself.
posted by MeatheadBrokeMyChair at 8:30 AM on August 9, 2013
Whether it's technically "abuse" or not is not so much the problem as how it affected you.
I agree with this. You don't need to have your experience stamped as officially "abusive" in order to say that it affected you profoundly. (In case you're feeling that way.) You deserve to be happy and well and to get help if that's what you need.
posted by BibiRose at 8:33 AM on August 9, 2013 [11 favorites]
I agree with this. You don't need to have your experience stamped as officially "abusive" in order to say that it affected you profoundly. (In case you're feeling that way.) You deserve to be happy and well and to get help if that's what you need.
posted by BibiRose at 8:33 AM on August 9, 2013 [11 favorites]
It sounds like your mom was dealing with issues of her own at the time, and never got the help she probably needed. I can relate to that. I spent a while in therapy myself, trying to sort of unpack a lot of mental clutter, and one of the things I came to understand was that my parents had their own particular issues, that they didn't necessarily have the mental tools necessary to deal with those issues, and that they were, ultimately, human. They weren't the gods they were to my younger self, and the one troublesome parents wasn't the monster they were to my slightly older, teenaged self.
This helped me draw lines. It helped me see how I became who I am, and make peace with that, and make the changes I needed to make. I would see my mother do things which seemed irrational, maybe even insane, and with the knowledge I now have, I could understand that she didn't emerge into the world fully formed. Some of it is nature and some of it is nurture. Someone made her that way. And whoever that person was (my grandfather in this case), someone made him that way, too.
An ex of mine told stories about their dad and how he was really just horrible, how he was prone to bursts of anger, how he would blow up at his family, how he was such a tyrant. But I also got to hear about his own childhood and how his own dad would beat the shit out of him with a belt on occasion for literally no reason. He'd do it just to maintain whatever he was maintaining. And I realize that my ex's dad knew that, knew it was awful, and vowed to never be the terror his own father was. But he never did the work necessary to put away the anger that the experience put in him. It stayed. It curdled.
Remember what I said about drawing lines? I bring it up because you've mentioned the OCD-like rituals of tapping on the cabinets, et cetera. Rituals by which you calm the part of your brain that feels like it needs to control its environment. And then we have your mom, with her own rituals: taking note of the orientation of a tube of Neosporin, checking your mileage, and so on. Someone made her that way, and she lacked the self-awareness to understand what was going on or keep herself from passing it on to you. Her primal fears became yours.
Parents are humans. And humans are wonderful, terrible creatures. We're all fucked up in some way and it's really hard to stop that fucked-upness from propagating onto your children if you don't understand it yourself. We are the mistakes someone else made in our childhoods. But that's not all we are.
All of which is to say that some parts of this sound abusive, I suppose, and other parts of it are definitely weird, but the experience sounds too complex and messed-up to really put a neat label on it and call it a day. You had a troublesome, unstable home when you were growing up. Your mom was flawed and afraid and had no healthy way of dealing with the fears and insecurities that plagued her. Some of the things she did, they're reading to me as quite awful. But you are your own person, and you can find your own way.
Nothing can change the past, and you have every right to be angry about what happened. All of it. Be very angry. Allow yourself to be angrier than is probably warranted, if you like. Let the emotions come. Let yourself feel it, all of it. Then, when you're dealing with whatever comes after anger, let yourself feel that, too. Work with your therapist. Really take a look at where your feelings are coming from and let yourself feel them and let them run their course and you will find your way to the understanding that awaits on the other side.
I say this because anger is toxic if you carry it with you. It can be helpful in the short term but now you're an adult and you're free and it's time to build a healthy you. Learn to see the mistakes your mom made and see if they bear any relationship to mistakes you've made since you left home. You don't have to forgive her if you don't want to, and you may decide that her actions are not forgivable and that is okay, but at least try to understand what happened and why, so that you can both come to a peace with it and make sure the cycle stops with you.
posted by FAMOUS MONSTER at 8:36 AM on August 9, 2013 [33 favorites]
This helped me draw lines. It helped me see how I became who I am, and make peace with that, and make the changes I needed to make. I would see my mother do things which seemed irrational, maybe even insane, and with the knowledge I now have, I could understand that she didn't emerge into the world fully formed. Some of it is nature and some of it is nurture. Someone made her that way. And whoever that person was (my grandfather in this case), someone made him that way, too.
An ex of mine told stories about their dad and how he was really just horrible, how he was prone to bursts of anger, how he would blow up at his family, how he was such a tyrant. But I also got to hear about his own childhood and how his own dad would beat the shit out of him with a belt on occasion for literally no reason. He'd do it just to maintain whatever he was maintaining. And I realize that my ex's dad knew that, knew it was awful, and vowed to never be the terror his own father was. But he never did the work necessary to put away the anger that the experience put in him. It stayed. It curdled.
Remember what I said about drawing lines? I bring it up because you've mentioned the OCD-like rituals of tapping on the cabinets, et cetera. Rituals by which you calm the part of your brain that feels like it needs to control its environment. And then we have your mom, with her own rituals: taking note of the orientation of a tube of Neosporin, checking your mileage, and so on. Someone made her that way, and she lacked the self-awareness to understand what was going on or keep herself from passing it on to you. Her primal fears became yours.
Parents are humans. And humans are wonderful, terrible creatures. We're all fucked up in some way and it's really hard to stop that fucked-upness from propagating onto your children if you don't understand it yourself. We are the mistakes someone else made in our childhoods. But that's not all we are.
All of which is to say that some parts of this sound abusive, I suppose, and other parts of it are definitely weird, but the experience sounds too complex and messed-up to really put a neat label on it and call it a day. You had a troublesome, unstable home when you were growing up. Your mom was flawed and afraid and had no healthy way of dealing with the fears and insecurities that plagued her. Some of the things she did, they're reading to me as quite awful. But you are your own person, and you can find your own way.
Nothing can change the past, and you have every right to be angry about what happened. All of it. Be very angry. Allow yourself to be angrier than is probably warranted, if you like. Let the emotions come. Let yourself feel it, all of it. Then, when you're dealing with whatever comes after anger, let yourself feel that, too. Work with your therapist. Really take a look at where your feelings are coming from and let yourself feel them and let them run their course and you will find your way to the understanding that awaits on the other side.
I say this because anger is toxic if you carry it with you. It can be helpful in the short term but now you're an adult and you're free and it's time to build a healthy you. Learn to see the mistakes your mom made and see if they bear any relationship to mistakes you've made since you left home. You don't have to forgive her if you don't want to, and you may decide that her actions are not forgivable and that is okay, but at least try to understand what happened and why, so that you can both come to a peace with it and make sure the cycle stops with you.
posted by FAMOUS MONSTER at 8:36 AM on August 9, 2013 [33 favorites]
abuse and neglect are not just descriptors but also crimes
I don't believe this is the case. Emotional abuse is not necessarily a crime, but it's still abuse.
OP: what your mother did (particularly the interrogations) was inappropriate and damaging to your development. It fucked you up. If you want to call it abuse, I say go ahead. If it's healthier for you to not be around her, then don't be. You do not have to get up and prove in front of a jury that you were abused. You FEEL abused, and you're allowed to feel that way.
posted by showbiz_liz at 8:41 AM on August 9, 2013 [14 favorites]
I don't believe this is the case. Emotional abuse is not necessarily a crime, but it's still abuse.
OP: what your mother did (particularly the interrogations) was inappropriate and damaging to your development. It fucked you up. If you want to call it abuse, I say go ahead. If it's healthier for you to not be around her, then don't be. You do not have to get up and prove in front of a jury that you were abused. You FEEL abused, and you're allowed to feel that way.
posted by showbiz_liz at 8:41 AM on August 9, 2013 [14 favorites]
Ultimately, only you can make this decision. I think also that only you have the *right* to make this decision.
I do know from my own, similar history that the process of unearthing and confronting my anger at my pathologically narcissistic parents, and especially at my mother, was tremendously fraught with guilt and hedged by a double ring of fire: I was fighting my own lifelong conditioning always to value her feelings and dismiss, ignore or condemn my own, and I was also fighting our deep and often aggressively enforced cultural taboo against questioning the orthodoxy that all parents love and want the best for their children and try their best. It sounds like you're having similar guilt, and looking for validation, or maybe comfort, from other people. But I think the only verdict you'll be satisfied with is your own.
Being angry at our parents' neglectful, irresponsible or even downright malevolent treatment of us can coexist with compassion for them as flawed human beings. I can feel compassion for my mother's own twisted upbringing, but at the same time I unequivocally condemn some of the moral choices she made in response to that upbringing. This has been tremendously freeing. So has choosing not to have any further contact with my family of origin. I also respect friends and acquaintances of mine with similar family dynamics who have chosen to maintain contact with their families. Like I said, it's nobody's decision to make but mine, theirs, yours. Don't let anyone boss you around or shame you for the sake of their own unconfronted fears and family baggage.
It sounds like the therapy is doing you good. Stick with it and stay brave. Read all you can -- there have been some good recommendations in this thread already. I wish you all the best.
posted by stuck on an island at 8:42 AM on August 9, 2013 [18 favorites]
I do know from my own, similar history that the process of unearthing and confronting my anger at my pathologically narcissistic parents, and especially at my mother, was tremendously fraught with guilt and hedged by a double ring of fire: I was fighting my own lifelong conditioning always to value her feelings and dismiss, ignore or condemn my own, and I was also fighting our deep and often aggressively enforced cultural taboo against questioning the orthodoxy that all parents love and want the best for their children and try their best. It sounds like you're having similar guilt, and looking for validation, or maybe comfort, from other people. But I think the only verdict you'll be satisfied with is your own.
Being angry at our parents' neglectful, irresponsible or even downright malevolent treatment of us can coexist with compassion for them as flawed human beings. I can feel compassion for my mother's own twisted upbringing, but at the same time I unequivocally condemn some of the moral choices she made in response to that upbringing. This has been tremendously freeing. So has choosing not to have any further contact with my family of origin. I also respect friends and acquaintances of mine with similar family dynamics who have chosen to maintain contact with their families. Like I said, it's nobody's decision to make but mine, theirs, yours. Don't let anyone boss you around or shame you for the sake of their own unconfronted fears and family baggage.
It sounds like the therapy is doing you good. Stick with it and stay brave. Read all you can -- there have been some good recommendations in this thread already. I wish you all the best.
posted by stuck on an island at 8:42 AM on August 9, 2013 [18 favorites]
So, to me, the questions of whether your mother was abusive and whether it's OK to want to cut her out of your life are completely separate. You might want to cut her out of your life even if you don't feel like you can describe what she did as abuse. You might want to say, yes, she was abusive, but now that I'm living apart from her I am able to allow her to have some limited place in my life.
Also, I say this all the time, but cutting a parent out of your life doesn't always have to be permanent. Give it a try, see how it feels. Taking a few months or years off from dealing with your mother might lead to never seeing her again, but it might also help you get away from the anger you feel towards her and help you figure out a new way of making that relationship work. (If you're not comfortable cutting her out of your life entirely, maybe try setting more aggressive boundaries for a while and dial back your interactions with her.)
posted by mskyle at 8:52 AM on August 9, 2013 [7 favorites]
Also, I say this all the time, but cutting a parent out of your life doesn't always have to be permanent. Give it a try, see how it feels. Taking a few months or years off from dealing with your mother might lead to never seeing her again, but it might also help you get away from the anger you feel towards her and help you figure out a new way of making that relationship work. (If you're not comfortable cutting her out of your life entirely, maybe try setting more aggressive boundaries for a while and dial back your interactions with her.)
posted by mskyle at 8:52 AM on August 9, 2013 [7 favorites]
Whether to call it abuse, mistreatment, bad parenting, dysfunction - that's a job best left to you and your therapist. I have a ton of respect for you for removing yourself from a horrible situation - a situation that kept you from developing the skills that would have made it possible for you to get out earlier. It's a vicious circle, and it takes a very strong person to break it. And I'm so glad you're finally able to feel safe.
Whatever you decide to call it, I think it's totally appropriate to feel angry at this stage that you didn't get what you needed as a child, and to not feel guilty about feeling angry. Your therapist should be able to help you decide how to work through that anger. Maybe you'll end up sharing some parts of it with your parents; maybe it'll be better if you end up doing something like journaling it instead. From what you've described of your mother, my guess is that an emotional confrontation would probably not end up letting you get to express a lot to her.
They could have had their own mental or physical health or life issues, or had even worse abuse in their own pasts. None of that makes what they did to you OK, but it might make it easier for you to cope with, and it might make leaving the possibility of future communication worthwhile.
posted by The Underpants Monster at 8:55 AM on August 9, 2013 [3 favorites]
Whatever you decide to call it, I think it's totally appropriate to feel angry at this stage that you didn't get what you needed as a child, and to not feel guilty about feeling angry. Your therapist should be able to help you decide how to work through that anger. Maybe you'll end up sharing some parts of it with your parents; maybe it'll be better if you end up doing something like journaling it instead. From what you've described of your mother, my guess is that an emotional confrontation would probably not end up letting you get to express a lot to her.
They could have had their own mental or physical health or life issues, or had even worse abuse in their own pasts. None of that makes what they did to you OK, but it might make it easier for you to cope with, and it might make leaving the possibility of future communication worthwhile.
posted by The Underpants Monster at 8:55 AM on August 9, 2013 [3 favorites]
Your parents sucked. Lots do. They did the best they could with what they had. They tried to parent you well, they just didn't have the right tools for it. Also, your Mom sounds like she had more issues than the National Geographic.
This isn't abuse, it's dysfunction. You have a right to be angry. Go ahead, no one is stopping you.
I guaran-damn-tee you that unless your Mom is in therapy, bringing this stuff up to her now will just be puzzling to her, she'll deny that anything was wrong and you'll feel all angry and aggrieved and the acknowledgement and closure that you're seeking will elude you. I'm sorry.
Work with your therapist on getting to a place where you can forgive your parents their shitty parenting. Realize that no one intended to make your life hard or to do a shitty job, that's just the way it worked out.
You can decide how you want a relationship with your Mom to look. You can dictate the terms on your side. If you don't want a relationship, that's valid too.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 9:42 AM on August 9, 2013 [7 favorites]
This isn't abuse, it's dysfunction. You have a right to be angry. Go ahead, no one is stopping you.
I guaran-damn-tee you that unless your Mom is in therapy, bringing this stuff up to her now will just be puzzling to her, she'll deny that anything was wrong and you'll feel all angry and aggrieved and the acknowledgement and closure that you're seeking will elude you. I'm sorry.
Work with your therapist on getting to a place where you can forgive your parents their shitty parenting. Realize that no one intended to make your life hard or to do a shitty job, that's just the way it worked out.
You can decide how you want a relationship with your Mom to look. You can dictate the terms on your side. If you don't want a relationship, that's valid too.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 9:42 AM on August 9, 2013 [7 favorites]
It sounds like the sort of garden-variety weird that a lot of people experience and that a lot of people are referring to when they say, without too much gravitas, "Yeah, my mom's nuts."
To me it is clearly not abuse or neglect. Good parenting, no, but.
One hopes that one's parents will be more responsible/mature/sane/etc than they are, and fully-functioning adults of the sort who would be able to identify their child's problems and find appropriate help; sometimes the adults have their own problems which prevent them from doing so. It sounds like your mother was too busy with her own crazy to be able to be helpful with yours. She was supposed to be a functioning parent, couldn't be; it's okay to be angry about that, but it doesn't serve much purpose to keep the anger around. "Flag it and move on"...
posted by kmennie at 9:48 AM on August 9, 2013 [5 favorites]
To me it is clearly not abuse or neglect. Good parenting, no, but.
One hopes that one's parents will be more responsible/mature/sane/etc than they are, and fully-functioning adults of the sort who would be able to identify their child's problems and find appropriate help; sometimes the adults have their own problems which prevent them from doing so. It sounds like your mother was too busy with her own crazy to be able to be helpful with yours. She was supposed to be a functioning parent, couldn't be; it's okay to be angry about that, but it doesn't serve much purpose to keep the anger around. "Flag it and move on"...
posted by kmennie at 9:48 AM on August 9, 2013 [5 favorites]
It sounds like your family was seriously dysfunctional. You may be able to find a label for your Mom's emotional volatility and intensity. I think of bipolar disease as a spectrum disorder, though it is not officially categorized that way. Maybe your Mom was a little or a lot bipolar, or borderline, or some other diagnosis. Both your parents neglected to get you the help you needed. I believe my Mom was bipolar and used alcohol as medication. It's not a way to blame her at this point in my life - it's a way to understand her and to have compassion for her. I inherited some of her emotional traits, but have been able to get help for dealing with them, at least some of the time. I went through stages of recognizing that my childhood was screwed up, being angry, blaming, and reached *some* acceptance.
Was this abuse, was she simply an unhinged, bad mother, both, or neither? I'm angry over what I see as neglect and that my mom made me her emotional spouse.
No matter how your parents are diagnosed or not, you experienced a lot of problems as a child and youth, did not get the help you needed, you feel bad, and you have an awful lot of emotional baggage. I think your upbringing had elements of abuse, and as you process through it, you may remember more, and realize that things that just seemed normal at the time were actually really screwed up. Here's the most important thing I want to say: Regardless of how your family compares to anyone else's: You have a right to feel the way you do. Your pain is authentic, and you don't have to feel worse thinking it's all your own fault.
Angry? You have every right to feel angry and hurt that your childhood was screwed up and your parents weren't able to give you the love, stability, information, support, care, etc., that you needed and deserved. Be angry, and work through the anger to where you feel some compassion for your screwed up parents, sadness and disappointment that your childhood was a mess. And put your effort into knowing that you have every right to experience that mess as trauma, and to get help. Your description of yourself sounds like you have some Obsessive-Compulsive traits. It really sucks that you didn't get appropriate help. You deserve to get that help now.
After a lot of effort, I eventually had an okay relationship with my Mom, did not let her manipulate or be unkind to me, and gave and got some love and care. It wasn't the mothering I longed for, but it's all that was available. You have a lot of work ahead of you, dealing with the damage done - not fair, but true. I hope you have a great therapist, and I wish you the best. sending a big hug.
posted by theora55 at 9:55 AM on August 9, 2013 [7 favorites]
Was this abuse, was she simply an unhinged, bad mother, both, or neither? I'm angry over what I see as neglect and that my mom made me her emotional spouse.
No matter how your parents are diagnosed or not, you experienced a lot of problems as a child and youth, did not get the help you needed, you feel bad, and you have an awful lot of emotional baggage. I think your upbringing had elements of abuse, and as you process through it, you may remember more, and realize that things that just seemed normal at the time were actually really screwed up. Here's the most important thing I want to say: Regardless of how your family compares to anyone else's: You have a right to feel the way you do. Your pain is authentic, and you don't have to feel worse thinking it's all your own fault.
Angry? You have every right to feel angry and hurt that your childhood was screwed up and your parents weren't able to give you the love, stability, information, support, care, etc., that you needed and deserved. Be angry, and work through the anger to where you feel some compassion for your screwed up parents, sadness and disappointment that your childhood was a mess. And put your effort into knowing that you have every right to experience that mess as trauma, and to get help. Your description of yourself sounds like you have some Obsessive-Compulsive traits. It really sucks that you didn't get appropriate help. You deserve to get that help now.
After a lot of effort, I eventually had an okay relationship with my Mom, did not let her manipulate or be unkind to me, and gave and got some love and care. It wasn't the mothering I longed for, but it's all that was available. You have a lot of work ahead of you, dealing with the damage done - not fair, but true. I hope you have a great therapist, and I wish you the best. sending a big hug.
posted by theora55 at 9:55 AM on August 9, 2013 [7 favorites]
I'm wondering how fair it is to cut my mom out of my life all this time later
I'm guessing this may be the real question. That would be OK to cut her out if she was truly abusive but you aren't sure - maybe this is just normal dysfunction, maybe she's different now so it would be unfair.....
I'd like to suggest a different way of looking at it. Right now, you really need to allow yourself to feel the anger at what happened when you were younger. It is very hard to have a respectful relationship with someone when you are that angry, even if (maybe especially if) you aren't sure that they deserve to be the brunt of the full force of the anger you are feeling.
My advice is that you give yourself permission to have distance from your mother right now. Not "You did a horrible thing and I am cutting you out of my life forever", but rather "I need my space." Longer, polite version might be "Growing up was pretty awful for me. I'm working with a therapist to sort out what happened and how I feel about it. Right now, it is very hard for me be around the people that were part of that time so I need my space."
In the long run, you can decide if you want to talk to your mother about her role in your life and decide if you want to just cut her out completely or have a polite distant relationship or if healing is possible between the two of you. Just trying to talk to her about this will go better if you have prepared for it with your therapist.
Eventually you may find some compassion for your mother (or you may not, that's OK too) but that is a later stage of healing - you need to let the anger out first and find out what is comes after. I would respect your own healing process and give yourself time (and distance) from your family to figure that out.
posted by metahawk at 10:17 AM on August 9, 2013 [4 favorites]
I'm guessing this may be the real question. That would be OK to cut her out if she was truly abusive but you aren't sure - maybe this is just normal dysfunction, maybe she's different now so it would be unfair.....
I'd like to suggest a different way of looking at it. Right now, you really need to allow yourself to feel the anger at what happened when you were younger. It is very hard to have a respectful relationship with someone when you are that angry, even if (maybe especially if) you aren't sure that they deserve to be the brunt of the full force of the anger you are feeling.
My advice is that you give yourself permission to have distance from your mother right now. Not "You did a horrible thing and I am cutting you out of my life forever", but rather "I need my space." Longer, polite version might be "Growing up was pretty awful for me. I'm working with a therapist to sort out what happened and how I feel about it. Right now, it is very hard for me be around the people that were part of that time so I need my space."
In the long run, you can decide if you want to talk to your mother about her role in your life and decide if you want to just cut her out completely or have a polite distant relationship or if healing is possible between the two of you. Just trying to talk to her about this will go better if you have prepared for it with your therapist.
Eventually you may find some compassion for your mother (or you may not, that's OK too) but that is a later stage of healing - you need to let the anger out first and find out what is comes after. I would respect your own healing process and give yourself time (and distance) from your family to figure that out.
posted by metahawk at 10:17 AM on August 9, 2013 [4 favorites]
You had a garden variety nut job Mom -- many people do/did. Whether it was abuse or not depends on your definition of abuse. Rationally understanding the situation will help you cope, but it will not make the pain and anger go away, that's yours to keep. The good news is that it doesn't have to keep you from having a positive, rewarding life. The better news is that you have a good idea of what not to do as a parent, thus sparing your children the same fate. Imagine how good it's going to feel if you can raise a child or children who are so far removed from your situation that they have no idea how lucky they are, the little ingrates.
posted by dzot at 10:18 AM on August 9, 2013 [3 favorites]
posted by dzot at 10:18 AM on August 9, 2013 [3 favorites]
What worked for me with crazy relationships was just taking a break. It was less hard on everyone (including me- they may be crazy, but I do love them!) to have a more relaxed version. So maybe say "Hey, I'm going no contact for 6 months- I have to work some stuff out. I know that it sucks, it's just something I have to do. kthxbye!"
And then when 6 months rolls around, see if you need to re up it for another 6 months or a year. Or maybe you'll have enough separation and boundaries and serenity that the idea of a 30 minute visit seems do-able.
posted by small_ruminant at 10:25 AM on August 9, 2013 [1 favorite]
And then when 6 months rolls around, see if you need to re up it for another 6 months or a year. Or maybe you'll have enough separation and boundaries and serenity that the idea of a 30 minute visit seems do-able.
posted by small_ruminant at 10:25 AM on August 9, 2013 [1 favorite]
It sounds like you grew up in an incredibly emotionally invalidating environment.
One thing to look out for (or maybe bring up in therapy) is the danger of internalizing some of that abuse / neglect / invalidation.
You say you beat yourself for not leaving sooner, but you also give a very good reason why you stayed for as long as you did. You probably did the best that you could at the time, given the circumstances. And now that you are in a safer place, working through your past with therapy and awareness to these issues, you can do even better. But it may be good to remember your past actions and behavior in a dysfunctional environment with compassion.
It's a huge step to recognize your family dynamics as invalidating, hurtful, dysfunctional, even emotionally abusive (if that helps). And once you do, it's another huge step to attempt to stop the cycle of pain. Toward yourself, and in ways that you might relate to others. A place to start might be in trying to validate the pain and anger – it's good that you're asking this question and getting good responses, but it's also a deeply personal process that only you can do for yourself. (But don't get me wrong : therapy, friends and loved ones, and MeFi can lend some peripheral support!).
Paradoxically, stopping the cycle of pain can mean going deeper into it. Mark Epstein writes about this from a Buddhist perspective, and has a great, recent article in the NYT.
posted by inkytea at 10:35 AM on August 9, 2013 [5 favorites]
One thing to look out for (or maybe bring up in therapy) is the danger of internalizing some of that abuse / neglect / invalidation.
You say you beat yourself for not leaving sooner, but you also give a very good reason why you stayed for as long as you did. You probably did the best that you could at the time, given the circumstances. And now that you are in a safer place, working through your past with therapy and awareness to these issues, you can do even better. But it may be good to remember your past actions and behavior in a dysfunctional environment with compassion.
It's a huge step to recognize your family dynamics as invalidating, hurtful, dysfunctional, even emotionally abusive (if that helps). And once you do, it's another huge step to attempt to stop the cycle of pain. Toward yourself, and in ways that you might relate to others. A place to start might be in trying to validate the pain and anger – it's good that you're asking this question and getting good responses, but it's also a deeply personal process that only you can do for yourself. (But don't get me wrong : therapy, friends and loved ones, and MeFi can lend some peripheral support!).
Paradoxically, stopping the cycle of pain can mean going deeper into it. Mark Epstein writes about this from a Buddhist perspective, and has a great, recent article in the NYT.
posted by inkytea at 10:35 AM on August 9, 2013 [5 favorites]
The only person you need to be fair to is yourself. If it would make you a happier, healthier person to cut your mother out of your life, then do it. You don't need a label or the permission of the internet and it's not something you need to decide all at once, either.
posted by sm1tten at 10:39 AM on August 9, 2013 [5 favorites]
posted by sm1tten at 10:39 AM on August 9, 2013 [5 favorites]
"My parents knew that I tapped my cabinets in a certain order a certain number of times and constantly checked behind my door saying “there’s nothing behind the door”. They knew that went I through a phase of repeatedly asking everyone if they had spit in my food. They never had me evaluated. "
As you go through the process of coping with this -- and it does sound like your mom had some really problematic issues -- it may help to know that parents of your parents' generation often resisting having their children evaluated as long as they were succeeding okay in school and had at least a couple friends. Besides the social stigma, they were afraid that children stuck with a label would be tracked into special ed classes with no chance of getting college pre-reqs, and that the children would be denied for health insurance. These concerns have receded considerably in the past 20 years, as has the stigma. But as long as you were doing okay at school and friends (and you mention having a girlfriend, so it sounds like you did okay), a lot of parents your parents' age would avoid any official diagnosis of mental illness or developmental problems unless absolutely forced by catastrophic circumstances (like a suicide attempt) to confront it, even if they could tell their child was suffering because of the mental illness -- they didn't want their child to suffer more from stigma, limited opportunities, and lack of health insurance.
If there were grandparents in the picture, your grandparents would have been of a generation when children diagnosed with mental illnesses often faced institutionalization; a lot of grandparents born in the 20s and 30s would pressure their Baby Boomer children to actively AVOID seeking special education services or having the grandchild evaluated by a psychiatrist because of the fear of institutionalization that lingered in the grandparents long after institutionalization had largely fallen out of use.
I mean, it's not great, you needed help and they didn't get it for you, but they may have thought they were protecting you ... not neglecting you.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 10:41 AM on August 9, 2013 [3 favorites]
As you go through the process of coping with this -- and it does sound like your mom had some really problematic issues -- it may help to know that parents of your parents' generation often resisting having their children evaluated as long as they were succeeding okay in school and had at least a couple friends. Besides the social stigma, they were afraid that children stuck with a label would be tracked into special ed classes with no chance of getting college pre-reqs, and that the children would be denied for health insurance. These concerns have receded considerably in the past 20 years, as has the stigma. But as long as you were doing okay at school and friends (and you mention having a girlfriend, so it sounds like you did okay), a lot of parents your parents' age would avoid any official diagnosis of mental illness or developmental problems unless absolutely forced by catastrophic circumstances (like a suicide attempt) to confront it, even if they could tell their child was suffering because of the mental illness -- they didn't want their child to suffer more from stigma, limited opportunities, and lack of health insurance.
If there were grandparents in the picture, your grandparents would have been of a generation when children diagnosed with mental illnesses often faced institutionalization; a lot of grandparents born in the 20s and 30s would pressure their Baby Boomer children to actively AVOID seeking special education services or having the grandchild evaluated by a psychiatrist because of the fear of institutionalization that lingered in the grandparents long after institutionalization had largely fallen out of use.
I mean, it's not great, you needed help and they didn't get it for you, but they may have thought they were protecting you ... not neglecting you.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 10:41 AM on August 9, 2013 [3 favorites]
then interrogated me over my use of Neospoirin - the tube was in a different orientation that she had left it.
I think your Mom may have had some OCD issues too. Maybe you can discuss this with her?
posted by 3491again at 10:45 AM on August 9, 2013
I think your Mom may have had some OCD issues too. Maybe you can discuss this with her?
posted by 3491again at 10:45 AM on August 9, 2013
I think it's neglect. Regardless of whether many people did the same thing, they didn't know any better, they thought they were doing the right thing or whatever, your parents failed to get you the medical help you needed. You may find that, if you go to therapy, you can uncover more details that would help you to evaluate this.
posted by Chaussette and the Pussy Cats at 11:18 AM on August 9, 2013 [2 favorites]
posted by Chaussette and the Pussy Cats at 11:18 AM on August 9, 2013 [2 favorites]
Response by poster: Thank you everyone for the responses. I can honestly say that reading metafilter has made me a better person. The kindness and compassion that you all display on a regular basis helps me see situations in a different, healthier light than the one I'm accustomed to.
A major part of my problem is the shame over how I behaved during my breakdown. I didn't know what was happening to me, so I lashed out at whatever I could. Dropping out of grad school for a bit helped, but not for long. I was putting myself under immense pressure for not having a full-time job straight out of college, and I had gotten engaged earlier in the year. I was so numb that when a co-worker showed interest in me I left my fiancée for the coworker.
There were other extenuating factors (I still lived with my parents, she still lived with her controlling parents, etc) that I won't get into here. I've spent the last 12 years being ruthless on myself. I should have known better. I should have realized what was happening to me. I should have known that better communication than what I was presented with by my parent was necessary. 23 is legally an adult, but I was a child in so many ways.
I'm not trying to dodge responsibility for my behavior, but I am trying to get a better picture of what I should reasonably expect from the person I was then.
I've decided to not be a biological parent. My partner has a 14 year-old son and I have a 12 year-old Little Brother. Figuring out how to be a good mentor for them has really made me focus on the failures to adapt that my parents displayed, and I'll be damned if I won't do everything in my power to give these kids a safe, healthy home environment.
posted by fredmounts at 11:37 AM on August 9, 2013 [6 favorites]
A major part of my problem is the shame over how I behaved during my breakdown. I didn't know what was happening to me, so I lashed out at whatever I could. Dropping out of grad school for a bit helped, but not for long. I was putting myself under immense pressure for not having a full-time job straight out of college, and I had gotten engaged earlier in the year. I was so numb that when a co-worker showed interest in me I left my fiancée for the coworker.
There were other extenuating factors (I still lived with my parents, she still lived with her controlling parents, etc) that I won't get into here. I've spent the last 12 years being ruthless on myself. I should have known better. I should have realized what was happening to me. I should have known that better communication than what I was presented with by my parent was necessary. 23 is legally an adult, but I was a child in so many ways.
I'm not trying to dodge responsibility for my behavior, but I am trying to get a better picture of what I should reasonably expect from the person I was then.
I've decided to not be a biological parent. My partner has a 14 year-old son and I have a 12 year-old Little Brother. Figuring out how to be a good mentor for them has really made me focus on the failures to adapt that my parents displayed, and I'll be damned if I won't do everything in my power to give these kids a safe, healthy home environment.
posted by fredmounts at 11:37 AM on August 9, 2013 [6 favorites]
Sounds like you may have suffered from emotional neglect. The shame, the numbness, the lack of clarity ... it's all really common with folks whose parents weren't there for them emotionally. The book Running on Empty might help you uncover the answers you are seeking. Best of luck to you!
posted by magnislibris at 11:52 AM on August 9, 2013 [4 favorites]
posted by magnislibris at 11:52 AM on August 9, 2013 [4 favorites]
A major part of my problem is the shame over how I behaved during my breakdown... I've spent the last 12 years being ruthless on myself. I should have known better. I should have realized what was happening to me. I should have known that better communication than what I was presented with by my parent was necessary.
I know nobody - literally not anyone - who had good relationship communication skills at 23. My relationships at 23 were filled with angst and drama and infidelity and gossip and desperation and desperately looking for my identity in someone else. All the relationships in my peer group were trainwrecks, including the supposedly fairytale marriage between two friend, the male one of whom didn't know the female one of whom was pregnant with someone else's child. Also, none of those people except the false paternity couple are even still together. What I would expect of 23 year olds is trainwrecks.
So, first of all, compassionately: give yourself a break. Second of all, less compassionately: stop blaming your parents for stuff. Not having the communication tools you needed at 23 isn't the fault of your parents - few of us grow up with good role models for that - it's the fault of inexperience.
Shame is literally the most useless emotion. You don't need to look back and be ashamed; you need to look back and recognise how you've changed and matured and acquired new skills in the perfectly normal course of becoming an adult.
posted by DarlingBri at 12:25 PM on August 9, 2013 [8 favorites]
I know nobody - literally not anyone - who had good relationship communication skills at 23. My relationships at 23 were filled with angst and drama and infidelity and gossip and desperation and desperately looking for my identity in someone else. All the relationships in my peer group were trainwrecks, including the supposedly fairytale marriage between two friend, the male one of whom didn't know the female one of whom was pregnant with someone else's child. Also, none of those people except the false paternity couple are even still together. What I would expect of 23 year olds is trainwrecks.
So, first of all, compassionately: give yourself a break. Second of all, less compassionately: stop blaming your parents for stuff. Not having the communication tools you needed at 23 isn't the fault of your parents - few of us grow up with good role models for that - it's the fault of inexperience.
Shame is literally the most useless emotion. You don't need to look back and be ashamed; you need to look back and recognise how you've changed and matured and acquired new skills in the perfectly normal course of becoming an adult.
posted by DarlingBri at 12:25 PM on August 9, 2013 [8 favorites]
Be kind to yourself. Your family dynamics set you up for a lot of weird things later on in life. This is not a free pass to never heal, improve, or change/grow, but it is permission to forgive yourself for your past, learn from it, and grow.
You can be friends with your mom for as long as your want, OR drop her like poison lava acid whenever you want, for whatever reasons you want.
posted by Jacen at 12:35 PM on August 9, 2013 [1 favorite]
You can be friends with your mom for as long as your want, OR drop her like poison lava acid whenever you want, for whatever reasons you want.
posted by Jacen at 12:35 PM on August 9, 2013 [1 favorite]
I had similar feelings towards my parents in my 20's. My parents were emotionally and occasionally physically abusive. They were overbearing and controlling in most aspects of my life, and completely neglectful in others. They were manipulative. They were paranoid, immature, and lacked social graces or wisdom. My father was an alcoholic in denial and my mother was a passive-aggressive enabler. As a shy, introverted kid by nature, I desperately needed encouragement and guidance that my parents didn't have to give. I also had severe depression and anxiety that was ignored and untreated. I'm now certain that this was at least partly because my parents were afraid of what I would tell doctors about them.
For several years I was in the place you find yourself in now. I was so angry that my parents utterly failed me in so many ways. I was angry that my childhood and teen years were so fraught with fear and misery. Oh and the guilt. I was angry that my peers seemed light years ahead of me in terms of social and emotional maturity, and navigated the world with confidence and self-assurance that I couldn't even imagine having. When I was still living with my parents, it was hard to know how bad it really was. I saw glimpses of what others' relationships with their parents looked like, but mostly I didn't know any different. When I fully realized the extent of my parents' dysfunction, I was filled with resentment and, to some degree, hatred towards them.
I was also filled with shame at the ways that I acted out as a child, teenager, and then young adult raised in that environment. I said and did things that were super embarrassing, I was a negative, critical, judgmental and unpleasant person much of the time, and was an all around social idiot. But then I got out on my own and started learning how to be better. You are too. Simply by addressing your shame and pain head on, you're breaking out of the mold your parents made for you. You're not going to be your mother, or a product of her dysfunction. Once you start feeling better about the person you're becoming, the shame will dissipate. You'll look back on your old angry self with sympathy instead of shame.
I came to forgive my parents when I stopped feeling so ashamed, and consequently stopped feeling so angry. Now I have a pretty good relationship with them. They've grown and changed too, and the people they are now are not the people they were ten, twenty, thirty years ago. They're really trying. While nothing can undo the past, the people they've become are helpful and loving and I'm really glad for that. I can't say whether you could have a good relationship with your mother now. Maybe she's ready to be good to you, maybe not. Maybe you're not ready yet because everything is still too raw. If not, then keep your distance while you continue to make progress on yourself. This flailing feeling is okay. You'll get through it.
posted by keep it under cover at 1:18 PM on August 9, 2013 [10 favorites]
For several years I was in the place you find yourself in now. I was so angry that my parents utterly failed me in so many ways. I was angry that my childhood and teen years were so fraught with fear and misery. Oh and the guilt. I was angry that my peers seemed light years ahead of me in terms of social and emotional maturity, and navigated the world with confidence and self-assurance that I couldn't even imagine having. When I was still living with my parents, it was hard to know how bad it really was. I saw glimpses of what others' relationships with their parents looked like, but mostly I didn't know any different. When I fully realized the extent of my parents' dysfunction, I was filled with resentment and, to some degree, hatred towards them.
I was also filled with shame at the ways that I acted out as a child, teenager, and then young adult raised in that environment. I said and did things that were super embarrassing, I was a negative, critical, judgmental and unpleasant person much of the time, and was an all around social idiot. But then I got out on my own and started learning how to be better. You are too. Simply by addressing your shame and pain head on, you're breaking out of the mold your parents made for you. You're not going to be your mother, or a product of her dysfunction. Once you start feeling better about the person you're becoming, the shame will dissipate. You'll look back on your old angry self with sympathy instead of shame.
I came to forgive my parents when I stopped feeling so ashamed, and consequently stopped feeling so angry. Now I have a pretty good relationship with them. They've grown and changed too, and the people they are now are not the people they were ten, twenty, thirty years ago. They're really trying. While nothing can undo the past, the people they've become are helpful and loving and I'm really glad for that. I can't say whether you could have a good relationship with your mother now. Maybe she's ready to be good to you, maybe not. Maybe you're not ready yet because everything is still too raw. If not, then keep your distance while you continue to make progress on yourself. This flailing feeling is okay. You'll get through it.
posted by keep it under cover at 1:18 PM on August 9, 2013 [10 favorites]
My friend who is a psychologist once said to me that people can talk about their parents at 20. After thirty, give it up and take responsibility for your life. What does it matter what you think you can blame on your mother? Stop beating yourself up for the past and live your life now.
posted by esprit de l'escalier at 10:08 PM on August 9, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by esprit de l'escalier at 10:08 PM on August 9, 2013 [1 favorite]
Some great responses and insights here. In my own case, I have one NPD parent and another who is too scared to do anything about it. NPD parent targeted two of us early in life and was very violent and abusive. As we grew older, her behaviour became more underhanded and manipulative but just as destructive.
The other 'target child' took his own life 18 years ago because of her constant pathological abusive behaviour. Another sibling refuses to speak to me because I voiced a few inconvenient truths. Target children get it hard in dysfunctional families, but I think the favourite children, the 'good as gold' ones, end up being even more messed up, because they have to retreat into a fantasy world where all the things they see being done are 'normal', and they must be really 'good' if they're not the target.
Two friends of mine from similar backgrounds, with similar issues, took their own lives in the past year. It's only since their passing that I realise these people constituted, with myself, a sort of mutual support group.
Therapy and antidepressants helped for a while, but there comes a point where you have to make some kind of break. I'm still working on that. I don't think there's going to be some magic day when you suddenly feel free. Dealing with dysfunctional family relationships is an ongoing thing, but that doesn't mean it has to scar you for life. Just as abusive patterns of behaviour unfold and wreak their damage over time, like a "hideous argument / of insidious intent", so does the way out of an abusive background take time and effort. It is worth it, though - I think of it along the same lines as going on a diet, pursuing an exercise regime, or learning a musical instrument. You may not wake up one day to find yourself miraculously skinny, fit or a virtuoso, but you will get better. It took time to get you into this situation and it will take time to get out of it.
I've always said I want to write about these life problems, and I will, but I won't take up more space here. Ten years ago I couldn't have read something like this without all sorts of triggers going off, now I'm just thankful to fredmounts for being brave enough to share, and to everyone else for some valuable advice.
posted by El Brendano at 5:53 AM on August 10, 2013 [4 favorites]
The other 'target child' took his own life 18 years ago because of her constant pathological abusive behaviour. Another sibling refuses to speak to me because I voiced a few inconvenient truths. Target children get it hard in dysfunctional families, but I think the favourite children, the 'good as gold' ones, end up being even more messed up, because they have to retreat into a fantasy world where all the things they see being done are 'normal', and they must be really 'good' if they're not the target.
Two friends of mine from similar backgrounds, with similar issues, took their own lives in the past year. It's only since their passing that I realise these people constituted, with myself, a sort of mutual support group.
Therapy and antidepressants helped for a while, but there comes a point where you have to make some kind of break. I'm still working on that. I don't think there's going to be some magic day when you suddenly feel free. Dealing with dysfunctional family relationships is an ongoing thing, but that doesn't mean it has to scar you for life. Just as abusive patterns of behaviour unfold and wreak their damage over time, like a "hideous argument / of insidious intent", so does the way out of an abusive background take time and effort. It is worth it, though - I think of it along the same lines as going on a diet, pursuing an exercise regime, or learning a musical instrument. You may not wake up one day to find yourself miraculously skinny, fit or a virtuoso, but you will get better. It took time to get you into this situation and it will take time to get out of it.
I've always said I want to write about these life problems, and I will, but I won't take up more space here. Ten years ago I couldn't have read something like this without all sorts of triggers going off, now I'm just thankful to fredmounts for being brave enough to share, and to everyone else for some valuable advice.
posted by El Brendano at 5:53 AM on August 10, 2013 [4 favorites]
I'm going to go a bit against the grain, here.
Be fucking angry. Don't worry about whether your parents were doing the best they could, or your mom had mental health issues of her own, or how many extenuating circumstances there were.
You were a child. The people who were supposed to be there for you to rely on were not there in the ways you needed them to be and that's not fair and you are allowed to be pissed off about it.
When I started therapy and began dealing with my relationship with my enmeshed parent, I was angry, too. But at such an early stage of my flight from the situation (I referred to myself as "running away from home after I moved out for good, even though I was a legal adult), I was still so enmeshed that I was always apologizing for my parent and trying to see it from their perspective. My therapist would ask me to imagine I was telling my parent how I really felt and I would literally be speechless - I could not even IMAGINE criticizing them. It took me a while to really verbalize my anger, and it took me a whole lot longer to be able to sit with "I am really fucking angry about this" and "My parents were doing the best they could" at the same time.
Distance helped (physical and emotional). I chose to maintain contact with my family, and while I'm not sorry I made that choice, I know that parts of my recovery could have been easier if I wasn't always working so hard to maintain my boundaries there.
It took a while, but I stopped being angry all the time, though I still have moments of anger about specific things when I realize that I'm repeating an old pattern - "listening to old tapes", I call it. (Note: There's a big difference between noticing the places where the things your parents did and said to you are affecting the way you function as an adult and "not taking responsibility for yourself".)
Journaling helped me a lot with the anger. Buy cheap journals and scrawl across the pages. Write letters to your mom that you will never send. Experiment with times of day to journal, and set a timer if you're concerned about staying in that mental space for too long.
tl;dr Be Angry. Stay in therapy. You have permission to refer to what happened to you as abuse. Feeling this way now does not mean you'll feel this way forever. You have permission to cut youself off from your family, whatever their current behavior is. Journal writing can be good.
Be kind to yourself.
posted by camyram at 7:01 AM on August 10, 2013 [9 favorites]
Be fucking angry. Don't worry about whether your parents were doing the best they could, or your mom had mental health issues of her own, or how many extenuating circumstances there were.
You were a child. The people who were supposed to be there for you to rely on were not there in the ways you needed them to be and that's not fair and you are allowed to be pissed off about it.
When I started therapy and began dealing with my relationship with my enmeshed parent, I was angry, too. But at such an early stage of my flight from the situation (I referred to myself as "running away from home after I moved out for good, even though I was a legal adult), I was still so enmeshed that I was always apologizing for my parent and trying to see it from their perspective. My therapist would ask me to imagine I was telling my parent how I really felt and I would literally be speechless - I could not even IMAGINE criticizing them. It took me a while to really verbalize my anger, and it took me a whole lot longer to be able to sit with "I am really fucking angry about this" and "My parents were doing the best they could" at the same time.
Distance helped (physical and emotional). I chose to maintain contact with my family, and while I'm not sorry I made that choice, I know that parts of my recovery could have been easier if I wasn't always working so hard to maintain my boundaries there.
It took a while, but I stopped being angry all the time, though I still have moments of anger about specific things when I realize that I'm repeating an old pattern - "listening to old tapes", I call it. (Note: There's a big difference between noticing the places where the things your parents did and said to you are affecting the way you function as an adult and "not taking responsibility for yourself".)
Journaling helped me a lot with the anger. Buy cheap journals and scrawl across the pages. Write letters to your mom that you will never send. Experiment with times of day to journal, and set a timer if you're concerned about staying in that mental space for too long.
tl;dr Be Angry. Stay in therapy. You have permission to refer to what happened to you as abuse. Feeling this way now does not mean you'll feel this way forever. You have permission to cut youself off from your family, whatever their current behavior is. Journal writing can be good.
Be kind to yourself.
posted by camyram at 7:01 AM on August 10, 2013 [9 favorites]
My mom once checked my speedometer after a date to see if I only went as far as I had claimed. She once heard me shut the closet door, investigated why I was in there, and then interrogated me over my use of Neospoirin - the tube was in a different orientation that she had left it. . .When I tried to leave the house, mom would block the door and cry. If I managed to get into the car, she’d stand behind it until I agreed to go back inside.
These all sound like examples of "invasive caretaking" which can be one of the ways parents with BPD treat their children.
There is not much information available via Google but subscription Psychology databases light up with results for that search term. Anyone pursuing such a search should be aware that almost all of the content is triggering.
posted by mlis at 4:27 PM on August 10, 2013 [3 favorites]
These all sound like examples of "invasive caretaking" which can be one of the ways parents with BPD treat their children.
There is not much information available via Google but subscription Psychology databases light up with results for that search term. Anyone pursuing such a search should be aware that almost all of the content is triggering.
posted by mlis at 4:27 PM on August 10, 2013 [3 favorites]
I went thru a milder version of this stuff, and this may sound strange, but one of the resources that really helped me is reading the archive of Carolyn Hax's advice columns for the Washington Post. I don't know if I've found anyone better for learning to set healthy boundaries and resolving the guilt around asserting healthy boundaries. I honestly felt like I was getting a vitamin my body had lacked and craved all my life. It's no simple fix, but it started to clear the fog and despair that years of whacked-out family behavior had gathered around me. Good luck.
posted by sapere aude at 10:22 PM on August 10, 2013 [2 favorites]
posted by sapere aude at 10:22 PM on August 10, 2013 [2 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
Therapy and getting some distance and some boundaries with your folks can really help you feel more in control of your situation. Googleable terms include 'Stop walking on eggshells" (also the title of a pretty good book) and "emotional incest" (for the "my parent made me my spouse" thing) which is a lot more common than you would think. Being angry is, of course, a good step. Being able to, at some point, let go of that anger has also been helpful to me. Most importantly I have a subling and she could corroborate the weird things we went through growing up, and that they were weird and not-okay, which was really helpful for me. Whether your parents were abusive, neglectful or just bad at parenting, what happened to you was real and not okay and I'm sorry. I wish you success in continuing to move past it and find safety and security in your own life.
posted by jessamyn at 8:20 AM on August 9, 2013 [20 favorites]