I am the worst daughter
January 18, 2012 10:35 AM Subscribe
I've achieved having an emotionally calm and pleasant daily life for myself, but I'm worried that once my mother passes, I'll forget the reality of our dynamic and feel like a horrible and evil daughter.
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (22 answers total) 15 users marked this as a favorite
My mother has deep emotional problems and acted immaturely, selfishly, and childishly many times, crossing boundaries I set for years and years and years until I couldn't take it anymore and cut off contact. I feel evil for even writing this, but I think her depression and problems had a lot to do with the deep depression I suffered as a child and teenager growing up in her house. After I estranged myself from her (I only exchange emails with her through an email account I set up and check only once in awhile because she sometimes writes a million upsetting emails to me about how horrible I am and how she's going to die and how "the whole family" is gossiping about my being such a horrible daughter), I became much happier in my day-to-day life. I'm healthier and happier in so many ways.
I never give her my address or phone number or work phone (once she called my office ten times when I was out of the office demanding to speak with me because my cell was off and even though the receptionist said I wasn't in for the day).
I am hypersensitive, but only to her, even though I know she has problems and I shouldn't take her seriously.
I know I should be an adult and be able to handle her behavior, however inappropriate it is, but I'm not any good at it and it hurts, saddens, and depresses me deeply after I try and fail or try and succeed. I don't know why it packs such a punch to me, why she's the only one able to turn me into someone who literally can't enjoy life, but I've been so much happier not being in contact with her. I'm terrified of returning to the old me, the one who just wanted to do nothing more than get far far away from her.
I'm worried the punishment for being happy will come when she passes away, and in my head I'll somehow think the way I cut her out of my life was not understandable or the right response, and then I'll punish myself for it and feel ashamed, even though I know it's not good for me.
Is there any way in which I can ensure that I'll remember the reality of what life was like with being in contact with her. I do love her very much, and I want the best for her, but I'm ill-equipped emotionally to be able to handle her and I don't know how to make myself believe that it's okay.
How can I make sure that I don't feel guilty about her in the future? How do I make sure I don't forget the reality of what it was like being in contact with her regularly?