BreakupFilter: What if Miko's advice will come across as patronizing?
July 10, 2013 8:50 AM
This is a sockpuppet because my main account has my real name.
So this guy is part of a group of friends. I will continue to see him everywhere. This is not a huge town.
We kinda hooked up a few months ago and he asked me out on a formal date and I got caught up in the grand gestures of flowers and chivalry and texting me sweet things (which if you look at my other posts about my last boyfriend, you can probably see why I fell for it all.)
He drinks way too much, smokes way too much (only when drinking, he can smoke an entire pack in one night and since he drinks several nights a week, you get the idea), stays out too late during the week and calls in hungover (which I hear about from mutual friends who work with him because they are concerned about that, I didn't even ask), seems to have no interest in taking care of his own health, like attempting to eat healthy or work out at all. I honestly didn't really see a lot this right away. He was a peripheral member of the group of drinking buddies I hung out with (all but him and one other guy are like me - able to have a few but go home, maybe on the weekends we might stay out late and even do shots or get silly, but not in a completely irresponsible way where we're hungover and stuff.) Once I did start seeing this, I did talk to him about his staying out late during the week and stuff and I was concerned for his safety because he has a dangerous job with machinery, etc etc. He said yeah, he knows he needs to stop doing $VARIOUSBADHABITS. But he makes no real effort, despite asking me to help him quit smoking or whatever. He's always "stressed".
Then there's just even some more stuff that's come up about our core values over the weekend that I just find are even more dealbreakers, which we actually had an argument about while we both drinking, and then I said we needed to talk the next day. At that time, I ended up having to ask him to leave because I was just too upset. (Racism, abortion, the right to healthcare...I hadn't realized just how much I have core values and that they are not just political opinions until a person I thought I cared about showed me a very vile side that makes me think The Drudge Report is just hardwired into his brain. )
I know we rushed too soon (even tho we didn't sleep together right away, we just made for the first month or so), but I totally fell into the "i love you" thing way too soon and man, I'm in a bind. Yes, he's a vile person (some of the time - I had read the askme's on here about the racist jokes and thought it was just a surface thing and had been trying some of those tactics, but this weekend, some stuff came out that makes me want to puke.)
Yet I still feel I owe him a decent breakup because I will see him everywhere and I just feel sorry for him. And I'm a decent person who doesn't want to to hurt someone excessively.
Can I still say "it's not you, it's me"? I settled for way too little in the past and have definitely learned a valuable lesson. And here again I'm learning a lesson. Part of which is don't date your drinking buddies apparently.
I feel like everyone else already knows he's a drunk and racist and other lovely things that have come out the more I spend time with him. Reading through Miko's advice, that will across as patronizing bullshit because he knows I am mad about these things.
TL;DR
I don't want to be patronizing. That's terrible. So what do I say?
He drinks way too much, smokes way too much (only when drinking, he can smoke an entire pack in one night and since he drinks several nights a week, you get the idea), stays out too late during the week and calls in hungover (which I hear about from mutual friends who work with him because they are concerned about that, I didn't even ask), seems to have no interest in taking care of his own health, like attempting to eat healthy or work out at all. I honestly didn't really see a lot this right away. He was a peripheral member of the group of drinking buddies I hung out with (all but him and one other guy are like me - able to have a few but go home, maybe on the weekends we might stay out late and even do shots or get silly, but not in a completely irresponsible way where we're hungover and stuff.) Once I did start seeing this, I did talk to him about his staying out late during the week and stuff and I was concerned for his safety because he has a dangerous job with machinery, etc etc. He said yeah, he knows he needs to stop doing $VARIOUSBADHABITS. But he makes no real effort, despite asking me to help him quit smoking or whatever. He's always "stressed".
Then there's just even some more stuff that's come up about our core values over the weekend that I just find are even more dealbreakers, which we actually had an argument about while we both drinking, and then I said we needed to talk the next day. At that time, I ended up having to ask him to leave because I was just too upset. (Racism, abortion, the right to healthcare...I hadn't realized just how much I have core values and that they are not just political opinions until a person I thought I cared about showed me a very vile side that makes me think The Drudge Report is just hardwired into his brain. )
I know we rushed too soon (even tho we didn't sleep together right away, we just made for the first month or so), but I totally fell into the "i love you" thing way too soon and man, I'm in a bind. Yes, he's a vile person (some of the time - I had read the askme's on here about the racist jokes and thought it was just a surface thing and had been trying some of those tactics, but this weekend, some stuff came out that makes me want to puke.)
Yet I still feel I owe him a decent breakup because I will see him everywhere and I just feel sorry for him. And I'm a decent person who doesn't want to to hurt someone excessively.
Can I still say "it's not you, it's me"? I settled for way too little in the past and have definitely learned a valuable lesson. And here again I'm learning a lesson. Part of which is don't date your drinking buddies apparently.
I feel like everyone else already knows he's a drunk and racist and other lovely things that have come out the more I spend time with him. Reading through Miko's advice, that will across as patronizing bullshit because he knows I am mad about these things.
TL;DR
I don't want to be patronizing. That's terrible. So what do I say?
How about the simple, "it's just not working out"? Either he's already aware enough to realize that you two just aren't compatible or else he's too thick to figure it out even if you spell it out for him.
posted by dawkins_7 at 8:55 AM on July 10, 2013
posted by dawkins_7 at 8:55 AM on July 10, 2013
Miko's breakup advice is extremely useful for a very specific kind of circumstance. It's not universal breakup advice and, you're not obliged to follow it here.
Tell him you rushed too soon and you're finding that you're just not compatible on basic values, and you're sorry, but it's not going to work out, and you're ending it.
posted by Tomorrowful at 8:55 AM on July 10, 2013
Tell him you rushed too soon and you're finding that you're just not compatible on basic values, and you're sorry, but it's not going to work out, and you're ending it.
posted by Tomorrowful at 8:55 AM on July 10, 2013
Breaking up is always going to be painful for one party and a relief for the other. That's the nature of it.
When next you see him, make it for a quick coffee somewhere, explicitly telling him that you have to make it fast because you're on your way to....something. When you get there, tell him, "I just don't think this is working out." No blame assigned and no point in going into your reasons. He didn't care about your advice and opinions when you were dating and he's not going to take any of it on-board in a break up.
Once you've delivered the news, let him absorb it for a minute, pat him on the hand or whatever, then get up and say, "I've got to run, on my way to that...thing. I'm sure I'll see you around." Then bounce.
You can do some no contact, but you don't have to block him unless he acts like a tool.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 9:03 AM on July 10, 2013
When next you see him, make it for a quick coffee somewhere, explicitly telling him that you have to make it fast because you're on your way to....something. When you get there, tell him, "I just don't think this is working out." No blame assigned and no point in going into your reasons. He didn't care about your advice and opinions when you were dating and he's not going to take any of it on-board in a break up.
Once you've delivered the news, let him absorb it for a minute, pat him on the hand or whatever, then get up and say, "I've got to run, on my way to that...thing. I'm sure I'll see you around." Then bounce.
You can do some no contact, but you don't have to block him unless he acts like a tool.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 9:03 AM on July 10, 2013
"As we've gotten to know each other better during this time,* I've come to see that we're not a good romantic match.**"***
*which, by the way, is the WHOLE POINT of dating.
**optional to add "and I think you see it too."
***nice but not mandatory "but I really appreciate x y z about you and I know you're going to find someone right for you soon." x y and z are those lovely romantic gestures that he should be encouraged to continue even as he changes up all the ugh stuff.
Hey by the way, I think I dated him briefly myself about 5 1/2 years ago for approximately five minutes LOL
posted by janey47 at 9:11 AM on July 10, 2013
*which, by the way, is the WHOLE POINT of dating.
**optional to add "and I think you see it too."
***nice but not mandatory "but I really appreciate x y z about you and I know you're going to find someone right for you soon." x y and z are those lovely romantic gestures that he should be encouraged to continue even as he changes up all the ugh stuff.
Hey by the way, I think I dated him briefly myself about 5 1/2 years ago for approximately five minutes LOL
posted by janey47 at 9:11 AM on July 10, 2013
Thank you all. I feel much better now.
A couple followups.
1- if I say it's not working out due to core values or that we're not a good match, he's going to think it's just about abortion which is "hypothetical", as he told a mutual friend last night. I know he will say something about this. How do I say (do I even say) it's not just that but the drinking, smoking, and racism?
2- Do I give him back the stuff he gave me? I'd feel weird wearing or owning the things he gave me.
posted by inmyhead at 9:15 AM on July 10, 2013
A couple followups.
1- if I say it's not working out due to core values or that we're not a good match, he's going to think it's just about abortion which is "hypothetical", as he told a mutual friend last night. I know he will say something about this. How do I say (do I even say) it's not just that but the drinking, smoking, and racism?
2- Do I give him back the stuff he gave me? I'd feel weird wearing or owning the things he gave me.
posted by inmyhead at 9:15 AM on July 10, 2013
if I say it's not working out due to core values or that we're not a good match, he's going to think it's just about abortion which is "hypothetical", as he told a mutual friend last night
If he'd actually say something like that, you can inform him that your uterus is actually NOT hypothetical, but that he needn't worry himself about it because he doesn't get access to it anymore. You really don't owe him an argument. Just say "i'm sorry but continuing to date just won't be possible." Say it as many times as you're willing to say it and then bail.
posted by like_a_friend at 9:22 AM on July 10, 2013
If he'd actually say something like that, you can inform him that your uterus is actually NOT hypothetical, but that he needn't worry himself about it because he doesn't get access to it anymore. You really don't owe him an argument. Just say "i'm sorry but continuing to date just won't be possible." Say it as many times as you're willing to say it and then bail.
posted by like_a_friend at 9:22 AM on July 10, 2013
1 - no, don't get back into another discussion. You're breaking up, you no longer have to try to persuade him to better attitudes.
2 - yes, I think. If he doesn't want the things, drop them off at a charity shop or equivalent.
posted by zadcat at 9:22 AM on July 10, 2013
2 - yes, I think. If he doesn't want the things, drop them off at a charity shop or equivalent.
posted by zadcat at 9:22 AM on July 10, 2013
2- Do I give him back the stuff he gave me? I'd feel weird wearing or owning the things he gave me.
If they were gifts, I would not return them. That might actually add insult to injury for him. Donate them to charity if you don't feel like having them in your house.
posted by Asparagus at 9:27 AM on July 10, 2013
If they were gifts, I would not return them. That might actually add insult to injury for him. Donate them to charity if you don't feel like having them in your house.
posted by Asparagus at 9:27 AM on July 10, 2013
The "why" is because you don't want to keep seeing him. It's not about a topic of conversation or a habit or a lifestyle, it's that you don't wanna. Women are made to feel like they should hitch themselves to any asshole that looks twice out of gratitude and niceness, but that's not actually true. If you don't want to be with someone because you don't like how his name is spelled, or because he's kind of awful or whatever, it still means you don't want to be with him. So don't. Tell him you don't want to. Don't offer points he can argue.
If he wants to think you broke up with him because of his haircut or his feelings about spaghetti or because he picks his nose, fine! It doesn't matter! He's allowed to feel and think whatever he wants!
And so are you. Tell him you're done, only discuss the stuff he gave you if he brings it up, give it back if he wants them. Dust off hands, move on with life.
posted by Lyn Never at 9:38 AM on July 10, 2013
If he wants to think you broke up with him because of his haircut or his feelings about spaghetti or because he picks his nose, fine! It doesn't matter! He's allowed to feel and think whatever he wants!
And so are you. Tell him you're done, only discuss the stuff he gave you if he brings it up, give it back if he wants them. Dust off hands, move on with life.
posted by Lyn Never at 9:38 AM on July 10, 2013
If he says anything about having given you nice gifts, tell him they are very nice and you'll give them back if he wants them. But don't give them to him or offer them unless he mentions the gifts.
Above, you wrote about a lot of things that you don't like about him. I suggest you not mention any of the things that don't directly affect you. Smoking, drinking, hangovers, work absences, not taking care of himself... talking about those is just going to get in the way. The real reason you're breaking up with him is that you don't like him or respect him enough to be with him, and you two are different in ways that you can't live with.
Obviously, you're not going to be blunt about it. I agree that it's best to say things aren't working out, or that you think you're not right for each other. He will probably ask for details and maybe try to talk you out of it. Don't engage in any of that; just say things like "It doesn't feel right," "we're not a good match," and that kind of thing. He may be frustrated by that, but it's much better than telling him what you really think of him.
posted by wryly at 9:48 AM on July 10, 2013
Above, you wrote about a lot of things that you don't like about him. I suggest you not mention any of the things that don't directly affect you. Smoking, drinking, hangovers, work absences, not taking care of himself... talking about those is just going to get in the way. The real reason you're breaking up with him is that you don't like him or respect him enough to be with him, and you two are different in ways that you can't live with.
Obviously, you're not going to be blunt about it. I agree that it's best to say things aren't working out, or that you think you're not right for each other. He will probably ask for details and maybe try to talk you out of it. Don't engage in any of that; just say things like "It doesn't feel right," "we're not a good match," and that kind of thing. He may be frustrated by that, but it's much better than telling him what you really think of him.
posted by wryly at 9:48 AM on July 10, 2013
You can do some no contact, but you don't have to block him unless he acts like a tool.
You should absolutely block him when you're done breaking up with him because he IS a tool.
posted by crankylex at 9:51 AM on July 10, 2013
You should absolutely block him when you're done breaking up with him because he IS a tool.
posted by crankylex at 9:51 AM on July 10, 2013
if I say it's not working out due to core values or that we're not a good match, he's going to think it's just about [insert anything here]
So?
My gut phrasing here is "who gives a shit?" but the answer is you. But you need to remember that it doesn't matter. You don't want to be in this relationship. Boom, done. Nothing else matters.
It's nice when we part ways amicably. It's nice when people don't have their feelings hurt. But it's not always possible.
It's also nice when ending a relationship doesn't turn into an extended painful slog though Everything Wrong With Everyone Ever because if you wanted to be unhappy in your interactions you could just stay together and at least you'd get some sex or someone who has to go to weddings with you.
I've come to be a big fan of Captain Awkward's website and if you feel like you need some scripts there's always good ones there. But stop feeling like you owe this person perfect closure and understanding. You owe that person the same thing you 'owe' everyone else in society - not being unnecessarily cruel to them. But that's it, and part of not being cruel is ending a relationship when you're done and not spending time rehashing shit that doesn't matter anymore.
posted by phearlez at 9:55 AM on July 10, 2013
So?
My gut phrasing here is "who gives a shit?" but the answer is you. But you need to remember that it doesn't matter. You don't want to be in this relationship. Boom, done. Nothing else matters.
It's nice when we part ways amicably. It's nice when people don't have their feelings hurt. But it's not always possible.
It's also nice when ending a relationship doesn't turn into an extended painful slog though Everything Wrong With Everyone Ever because if you wanted to be unhappy in your interactions you could just stay together and at least you'd get some sex or someone who has to go to weddings with you.
I've come to be a big fan of Captain Awkward's website and if you feel like you need some scripts there's always good ones there. But stop feeling like you owe this person perfect closure and understanding. You owe that person the same thing you 'owe' everyone else in society - not being unnecessarily cruel to them. But that's it, and part of not being cruel is ending a relationship when you're done and not spending time rehashing shit that doesn't matter anymore.
posted by phearlez at 9:55 AM on July 10, 2013
1 - don't say anything to invite an argument that you don't want to have, to prevent this from happening before it does - you're now officially broken up and one of the perks is not having to engage in any more of this discussion of 'hypothetical' values.
2 - No, if you would feel weird, then donate the stuff, or burn it in your back yard. Don't think of any more reasons to have further contact. Be decisive.
posted by destructive cactus at 9:56 AM on July 10, 2013
2 - No, if you would feel weird, then donate the stuff, or burn it in your back yard. Don't think of any more reasons to have further contact. Be decisive.
posted by destructive cactus at 9:56 AM on July 10, 2013
Lots of people that drink heavily remain in committed relationships. Lots of people that are virulently racist remain in committed relationships. Lots of people that chain smoke cigarettes remain in committed relationship. The reason you need to break up with this person is because you need to break up with this person.
Here's a thought experiment: Think about all of the children you don't want to have with him. Now think about his views on abortion. You might even have to have his kids if he doesn't consent to an abortion depending on your jurisdiction!
Sell his stuff and donate the money to Planned Parenthood. This guy is bad news.
posted by oceanjesse at 9:57 AM on July 10, 2013
Here's a thought experiment: Think about all of the children you don't want to have with him. Now think about his views on abortion. You might even have to have his kids if he doesn't consent to an abortion depending on your jurisdiction!
Sell his stuff and donate the money to Planned Parenthood. This guy is bad news.
posted by oceanjesse at 9:57 AM on July 10, 2013
The "why" is because you don't want to keep seeing him. It's not about a topic of conversation or a habit or a lifestyle, it's that you don't wanna.
This times a million. I say this as a guy who, in my younger days, always wanted to dwell on the "why" when a girl was breaking up with me. I finally realized in retrospect that I was trying to negotiate away some concrete objections or figure out if I could make some changes to win her back or whatever, when really it was about a fundamental lack of compatibility, or frankly lack of desire on her part, that doesn't NEED to have any deeper explanation.
You can be nice about it (you should, if you can manage), but do realize at least within yourself that the base, root, concrete reason for this breakup is "I don't wanna" and it needs to end because of that, period, full stop.
posted by Joey Buttafoucault at 9:58 AM on July 10, 2013
This times a million. I say this as a guy who, in my younger days, always wanted to dwell on the "why" when a girl was breaking up with me. I finally realized in retrospect that I was trying to negotiate away some concrete objections or figure out if I could make some changes to win her back or whatever, when really it was about a fundamental lack of compatibility, or frankly lack of desire on her part, that doesn't NEED to have any deeper explanation.
You can be nice about it (you should, if you can manage), but do realize at least within yourself that the base, root, concrete reason for this breakup is "I don't wanna" and it needs to end because of that, period, full stop.
posted by Joey Buttafoucault at 9:58 AM on July 10, 2013
Holy crap oceanjesse. Yes.
The hoodie is really nice and I only wore it once. I think I can sell it and I will totes give that to PP.
And I will give the other stuff to the shelter.
Thank you for the idea.
posted by inmyhead at 10:00 AM on July 10, 2013
The hoodie is really nice and I only wore it once. I think I can sell it and I will totes give that to PP.
And I will give the other stuff to the shelter.
Thank you for the idea.
posted by inmyhead at 10:00 AM on July 10, 2013
Then there's just even some more stuff that's come up about our core values over the weekend that I just find are even more dealbreakers, which we actually had an argument about while we both drinking, and then I said we needed to talk the next day. At that time, I ended up having to ask him to leave because I was just too upset. (Racism, abortion, the right to healthcare...I hadn't realized just how much I have core values and that they are not just political opinions until a person I thought I cared about showed me a very vile side that makes me think The Drudge Report is just hardwired into his brain. )
Oh gosh, this happened to me and I was so blindsided. I didn't know what do to because I didn't want to tell someone I cared about "hey I think your opinions are despicable and it's made me lose respect for you!" I was falling in love before it happened, but seeing certain opinions of his just snuffed that feeling out like a candle.
I wound up telling him that I just wasn't feeling it, that I couldn't help how I felt and that I was never going to fall in love with him, so I had to end it and I hoped he understood that. I tried to avoid saying anything like "we're too different," it just wouldn't have helped. Don't say anything that will let him think this is up for debate.
posted by showbiz_liz at 10:17 AM on July 10, 2013
Oh gosh, this happened to me and I was so blindsided. I didn't know what do to because I didn't want to tell someone I cared about "hey I think your opinions are despicable and it's made me lose respect for you!" I was falling in love before it happened, but seeing certain opinions of his just snuffed that feeling out like a candle.
I wound up telling him that I just wasn't feeling it, that I couldn't help how I felt and that I was never going to fall in love with him, so I had to end it and I hoped he understood that. I tried to avoid saying anything like "we're too different," it just wouldn't have helped. Don't say anything that will let him think this is up for debate.
posted by showbiz_liz at 10:17 AM on July 10, 2013
Never explain..
Just wish him well, "This isn't gonna work out between us", and done.
posted by Pirate-Bartender-Zombie-Monkey at 10:53 AM on July 10, 2013
Just wish him well, "This isn't gonna work out between us", and done.
posted by Pirate-Bartender-Zombie-Monkey at 10:53 AM on July 10, 2013
There is a guy in my past that remains convinced we broke up because my parents made me. We were young and as things progressed I realized I just didn't like him. At all.
I did the whole, "It's just not working out." thing. He jumped to the conclusion that my dad didn't like him because he had long hair. When he told everyone of our mutual friends that I ditched him because I was a Daddy's Girl and just did as I was told, I never said anything. There was no benefit in correcting his view and my friends knew exactly why I dumped him.
We're old enough now to have teenage children and I haven't seen him in decades and have absolutely no intention of ever doing so. However, a few years ago, he ran into my parents in the grocery store and mentioned to them how much it hurt to lose the "perfect girl" because they wouldn't let us date. My parent gave him a blank look and said, "oookay. Sorry about that." He then went on to tell them about his two ex-wives. Both of them broke up with him because their families hated him.
For some people, it will never, ever, ever be their fault.
posted by teleri025 at 11:07 AM on July 10, 2013
I did the whole, "It's just not working out." thing. He jumped to the conclusion that my dad didn't like him because he had long hair. When he told everyone of our mutual friends that I ditched him because I was a Daddy's Girl and just did as I was told, I never said anything. There was no benefit in correcting his view and my friends knew exactly why I dumped him.
We're old enough now to have teenage children and I haven't seen him in decades and have absolutely no intention of ever doing so. However, a few years ago, he ran into my parents in the grocery store and mentioned to them how much it hurt to lose the "perfect girl" because they wouldn't let us date. My parent gave him a blank look and said, "oookay. Sorry about that." He then went on to tell them about his two ex-wives. Both of them broke up with him because their families hated him.
For some people, it will never, ever, ever be their fault.
posted by teleri025 at 11:07 AM on July 10, 2013
Just came back to emphasize. DO NOT get into a hoo-ha about WHY you are breaking up. You don't have to give a reason. Don't mention "core values" or any of that. Just, "I don't think this is working out." That's IT!
And 90% of the folks you date will NEVER be LTR material. That's the point of dating.
So...you gave it a whirl, it's not what you want. Done.
If he tries to suck you into a conversation, "Look, it's just not working out. There's no point in discussing it." Then get up and leave.
If you want to go no contact, do that.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 11:53 AM on July 10, 2013
And 90% of the folks you date will NEVER be LTR material. That's the point of dating.
So...you gave it a whirl, it's not what you want. Done.
If he tries to suck you into a conversation, "Look, it's just not working out. There's no point in discussing it." Then get up and leave.
If you want to go no contact, do that.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 11:53 AM on July 10, 2013
hey all - thanks again so much for all the awesome answers.
I feel more confident about this now.
I think it will go something like:
-------
me: I'm sorry, but it won't be possibles for us to continue dating.
him: is this about the abortion thing? it's hypothetical. it's just politics, like I told you, my grandparents have been married 50 years and they just don't talk about politics.
me: it's many things. I'm sorry it just won't be possible.
him: is it the racism thing? I'm not a racist. I told you that.
me: I know. I'm sorry but it won't be possible for us to go on. I have to go now. /goes to bar he never goes to and has a stiff drink
------
Part of me feels like a dick, but I guess that comes from feeling that my own needs and wants aren't enough as a reason. BUT this is not the relationship I want by a long shot.
I just keep running those words thru my head and working on feeling the impulse to explain but holding back and just saying the Miss Manners line.
a while back, he told me he was an asshole. I should have listened. I know that's another mefi favorite- when someone tells you they're an asshole, listen.
at least it was only 3 months and not 3 years.
I will post back once I've done it. not sure when that will be. definitely this week.
again, thanks so much for the support. it really helps.
posted by inmyhead at 1:37 PM on July 10, 2013
I feel more confident about this now.
I think it will go something like:
-------
me: I'm sorry, but it won't be possibles for us to continue dating.
him: is this about the abortion thing? it's hypothetical. it's just politics, like I told you, my grandparents have been married 50 years and they just don't talk about politics.
me: it's many things. I'm sorry it just won't be possible.
him: is it the racism thing? I'm not a racist. I told you that.
me: I know. I'm sorry but it won't be possible for us to go on. I have to go now. /goes to bar he never goes to and has a stiff drink
------
Part of me feels like a dick, but I guess that comes from feeling that my own needs and wants aren't enough as a reason. BUT this is not the relationship I want by a long shot.
I just keep running those words thru my head and working on feeling the impulse to explain but holding back and just saying the Miss Manners line.
a while back, he told me he was an asshole. I should have listened. I know that's another mefi favorite- when someone tells you they're an asshole, listen.
at least it was only 3 months and not 3 years.
I will post back once I've done it. not sure when that will be. definitely this week.
again, thanks so much for the support. it really helps.
posted by inmyhead at 1:37 PM on July 10, 2013
Remember that two people can be really great, but not great for each other. It is not an awful tragic personal failing when a relationship doesn't work out. You really don't need to feel so bad about this!
posted by meepmeow at 2:13 PM on July 10, 2013
posted by meepmeow at 2:13 PM on July 10, 2013
2- Do I give him back the stuff he gave me? I'd feel weird wearing or owning the things he gave me.
First of all, no, never.
Second, a gigantic like not just like, flashing red warning light but some dramatic submarine movie/star trek type *KABLAAAM* SIR WE'VE BEEN HIT ON DECK 12!! where there's an explosion and sparks shoot out of everything and all kinds of sirens start going off kinda thing happens when ANYONE pulls the old "Well you broke up with me, so you have to give the gifts back".
That is absolute chode behavior.
The only time it's ever ok is when the gift receiver initiates the giveback, and the gift giver accepts it because they both knew that the person who gave the gift couldn't afford it/it was a super special family heirloom/etc. This is one of those things that you'll know before any discussion even happens that yea, that thing is going to be returned.
But generally, 99% of the time you do not give stuff back. And you run for the hills from someone who wants to make a stink about you not. This is one of the only times outside of legally binding contracts that "No givsies backsies!" actually applies to adult life.
Part of me feels like a dick, but I guess that comes from feeling that my own needs and wants aren't enough as a reason.
Keep punching this feeling in the gonads. This is what society teaches women(and in some circumstances, people in general) and it's fucking crap. You don't need to a legally defensible reason to break up with something or honestly to stop doing anything that you don't want to do that involves interpersonal relationships outside of a very narrow set of circumstances that are obvious. And i'm talking "I promised to cat-sit for my friend but now i have this opportunity to go do bla bla cool thing, but they've already left town. is that ok?".
FFS, if a relationship feels bad that's enough of a reason. Never forget that.
posted by emptythought at 2:36 PM on July 10, 2013
First of all, no, never.
Second, a gigantic like not just like, flashing red warning light but some dramatic submarine movie/star trek type *KABLAAAM* SIR WE'VE BEEN HIT ON DECK 12!! where there's an explosion and sparks shoot out of everything and all kinds of sirens start going off kinda thing happens when ANYONE pulls the old "Well you broke up with me, so you have to give the gifts back".
That is absolute chode behavior.
The only time it's ever ok is when the gift receiver initiates the giveback, and the gift giver accepts it because they both knew that the person who gave the gift couldn't afford it/it was a super special family heirloom/etc. This is one of those things that you'll know before any discussion even happens that yea, that thing is going to be returned.
But generally, 99% of the time you do not give stuff back. And you run for the hills from someone who wants to make a stink about you not. This is one of the only times outside of legally binding contracts that "No givsies backsies!" actually applies to adult life.
Part of me feels like a dick, but I guess that comes from feeling that my own needs and wants aren't enough as a reason.
Keep punching this feeling in the gonads. This is what society teaches women(and in some circumstances, people in general) and it's fucking crap. You don't need to a legally defensible reason to break up with something or honestly to stop doing anything that you don't want to do that involves interpersonal relationships outside of a very narrow set of circumstances that are obvious. And i'm talking "I promised to cat-sit for my friend but now i have this opportunity to go do bla bla cool thing, but they've already left town. is that ok?".
FFS, if a relationship feels bad that's enough of a reason. Never forget that.
posted by emptythought at 2:36 PM on July 10, 2013
Seriously, "Sorry, I never have sex with anyone who's not pro-choice. Accidents happen, and I'm just not going to chance it," is enough. Or, "Sorry, your racist jokes were really offensive. I know you don't think you're racist, but when you say the exact same shit that racists do, that's close enough. Peace and fish grease, dude," is enough. Or fuck it, even, "Hey, I thought I could get with a smoker, but I'm just sick of the smell. Adios, paco," is enough. Or, "Dude, you said yourself you're an asshole. I deserve someone who isn't an asshole."
But mostly, you don't have to feel bad that the dude blew it by being a shit, because, hey, fuck it, he's a shit and that's not your problem, that's his, and if he never faces any consequences for being a shit, he's just gonna keep on being a shit. If he wants to argue, direct him to this.
posted by klangklangston at 4:56 PM on July 10, 2013
But mostly, you don't have to feel bad that the dude blew it by being a shit, because, hey, fuck it, he's a shit and that's not your problem, that's his, and if he never faces any consequences for being a shit, he's just gonna keep on being a shit. If he wants to argue, direct him to this.
posted by klangklangston at 4:56 PM on July 10, 2013
so it actually went way better than I expected. I think I had it all built up in my head.
I'm in my 30s but have only had two long term relationships and they did not end well. I've never really dated like this either so I had no idea what to expect.
turns out he is being relocated for his job for about a year anyways and he was looking for me tonight so either way it would have ended. he took it well and we agreed we rushed things, but that we had had a good time. we care about each other but our world views are just very different and it's not something either if us is likely to change. in fact he's the one that said that. but having manners isn't everything.
I am relieved and sad. but not super sad, it's just been rough the past couple weeks as I've been realizing it needed to end.
I hope he finds a girl who wants her uterus bossed around.
I've learned a lot of lessons from this and thank god none of them were hard ones like actually needing an abortion or something. and I no longer have to worry about his drunk ass.
this is probably rambly but I wanted to follow up and it's been an emotional past few days. plus I'm on cold medicine. yay.
thanks folks. I appreciate you all.
posted by inmyhead at 6:49 PM on July 10, 2013
I'm in my 30s but have only had two long term relationships and they did not end well. I've never really dated like this either so I had no idea what to expect.
turns out he is being relocated for his job for about a year anyways and he was looking for me tonight so either way it would have ended. he took it well and we agreed we rushed things, but that we had had a good time. we care about each other but our world views are just very different and it's not something either if us is likely to change. in fact he's the one that said that. but having manners isn't everything.
I am relieved and sad. but not super sad, it's just been rough the past couple weeks as I've been realizing it needed to end.
I hope he finds a girl who wants her uterus bossed around.
I've learned a lot of lessons from this and thank god none of them were hard ones like actually needing an abortion or something. and I no longer have to worry about his drunk ass.
this is probably rambly but I wanted to follow up and it's been an emotional past few days. plus I'm on cold medicine. yay.
thanks folks. I appreciate you all.
posted by inmyhead at 6:49 PM on July 10, 2013
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by destructive cactus at 8:55 AM on July 10, 2013