How to deal with threat of violence against me from gf's stalker?

June 7, 2013 8:28 AM

How do I (male) deal with violent (physical, not shooting) threats from another male who has acted creepy, but not violently, in the past?

I got a facebook message tonight from someone who had minimally stalked my girlfriend, threatening physical violence (not shooting) against me if I attend a particular shared meetup event again. I attempted to mark the message as unread, but even if it worked he may have seen that I read it before that. He doesn't appear to be particularly strong, but I'm definitely on the weaker side. From that shared weekly meetup, it seems he's also not particularly intelligent, and I + others have had the vibe that he was creepy before learning about the stalking or receiving the threat.

My girlfriend has already moved across the country (for other reasons), though she will be visiting for a month, and I am already planning to move to be with her in ~6 months. I'm in the Bay Area, 5-10 minutes from a BART station, and often get back from work late at night.

How seriously should I take this threat, whether or not I stop going to the shared meetup, as I've also seen him in between the BART station and my apartment, but not near my apartment? What steps can I take to prevent him from attempting anything? What can I do to defend myself given that I'm not very coordinated and don't have much time to learn things?

posted by anonymous to Human Relations (15 answers total)

I'd report it the threat to the police, just so they have it on record.
posted by jon1270 at 8:32 AM on June 7, 2013 [17 favorites]

Print out the threat and take it down to your local precinct. You want this on the record, and you want to listen if they have any concrete advice.

I know being threatened is scary shit, but unless he follows up with additional threats, I don't think you need to be making plans to defend yourself. By all means, if it makes you feel better, see if mace is legal in your area, but the threat vs. actual violence odds are much more in your favour than they feel like they'll be, especially given that he doesn't have a history of any kind of assault you're aware of.
posted by DarlingBri at 8:34 AM on June 7, 2013 [7 favorites]

The guy is nuts.... think about it, who does this?! Mace spray in your pocket at the minimum, and, yes, a visit to the police dept. with a printout. Maybe I've seen too many "B" movies but I would be inclined to believe his threat to hurt you. OTOH, I would attend the meetup to put him in his place (tho' his "place" may be jail).
posted by Lornalulu at 8:49 AM on June 7, 2013 [2 favorites]

Cops for sure.
posted by Sara C. at 8:50 AM on June 7, 2013 [2 favorites]

Also, notify the meetup people. They may not want a psycho at their meetup.
posted by musofire at 9:03 AM on June 7, 2013 [26 favorites]

Absolutely report it to the police. Anything you can provide to the police regarding past stalking of your girlfriend will also be useful.

As far as self-defense, traveling mostly in well-lit and busy areas provides a decent amount of deterrence against your average thuggish shithead. Someone mentioned "city face" in a much-favorited comment recently; walking deliberately and looking absolutely unperturbed by minor attempts at indimidation (aggressive panhandling, catcalling, etc.) goes a long way toward convincing people you are not worth the effort. Don't engage or respond to this guy in any way; he is a non-entity as far as you are concerned.
posted by Inspector.Gadget at 9:05 AM on June 7, 2013

Advice given to my SIL by a policeman when threatened by a stalker. Report it to the police, report every threat. Keep a copy of the email somewhere safe. Keep a record of any further interactions with the guy in a notebook somewhere (not on your phone as my SIL did as phones break) include times, dates and any witnesses. Cops can't do a lot without evidence, so help them have it, so if he does get violent it doesn't become your word against his. Do not make any threatening moves towards the guy at the meet up, make obvious attempts seen by witnesses to behave peacefully and avoid conflict, try not to engage him. If he escalates and he swings first, then it's self defense. Do you have friends at the meetup? If so make sure one or more of them are with you at all times not only for safety but to witness anything he might say to you. All advice is based on what the Australian police said to my SIL who had a crazy stalker start hassling her from work.

If you are lucky enough to live in a small country town with friendly not too busy police one of them might have a quiet word with the stalker dude and that might be enough.
posted by wwax at 9:06 AM on June 7, 2013 [1 favorite]

Also, notify the meetup people. They may not want a psycho at their meetup.

Absolutely do this. Because you may not be the only person he pulls this with, and yeah, I would want to know if it was going on at a meetup I was running.
posted by emjaybee at 9:07 AM on June 7, 2013 [4 favorites]

I recommend reading AskMeFi perennial favorite The Gift of Fear. Lots of really good stuff in there about what it means to receive a threat like this and the signs that a threat is more or less serious.
posted by telegraph at 9:24 AM on June 7, 2013

I would notify the meetup people for sure. If the threat seemed serious I might document it for the cops, if only to start a paper trail now for when it becomes more serious later. I don't know how seriously to take this threat because I don't know exactly what he wrote. I don't have any experience in being threatened or stalked like this.

But I would at least consider the possibility of making yourself stronger and more able to fight. It's not a good solution, it's not particularly relevant to most instances of stalking or violent threats, and it's not a quick process, but I've found that being stronger and having at least a little experience fighting improves one's ability to be verbally assertive.

I am quite aware that the problem this guy presents is not best resolved with personal heroics. I'm not saying that stalking victims are best served by taking matters violently into their own hands. I'm not suggesting some macho storyline of beating up a jerk in front of your girlfriend. I'm suggesting, as a secondary measure to involving law enforcement or applying social pressure, putting some effort into feeling less defenseless in the future. If some guy is saying "you show up to [place where you have a right to be] and I'll punch you in the face!", then it is good to know that you're physically stronger than the guy, or to know that you've been punched in the face by worse and come out on top.

With all those caveats in mind: you don't have to stay weak. Squats, deadlifts, dips, and pull-ups done three times a week make humans noticeably stronger (and often more physically intimidating) within months. Sparring twice a week or more at a judo, wrestling, boxing, MMA, or muay Thai gym would give you some experience with getting punched in the face and getting knocked to the ground (and doing the same to others). These steps might help with the tiny portion of your question that relates to defending yourself physically.

But the more relevant answer is to tell the meetup folks what's going on, and bring a copy of his threat (and if possible, evidence of his past stalking of your girlfriend) to the cops.
posted by daveliepmann at 9:52 AM on June 7, 2013 [5 favorites]

If you feel the need to do more than report the threat to the cops and the Meetup organizers (and why not the whole group?), then consider spending a little time learning to box. Learn that you can take a few punches to the face and learn how to deliver a few. Then get on with your life. On the odd chance that this idiot would actually try following through with a threat, chances are that it will be over as soon as you land a punch to his nose or a knee to his groin.
posted by Good Brain at 11:02 AM on June 7, 2013 [3 favorites]

Cops and meet up people definitely. At the meet up, if he's there, avoidance even at the risk of being obvious or appearing as a "coward." If confronted, escape, run away as fast as you can.

If you must defend yourself....

If for whatever reason you cannot avoid him and he is obviously about to become violent (he's shoved you, pushed you etc) and you really have no way out, no amount of squats or boxing training is going to help you in the time frame we're all assuming.

If you absolutely have no recourse and must physically engage him, do not get into some shoving match or yelling; hit him first while he's still talking with your elbow or knee with your full body weight behind it, and hit him someplace likely to do the most amount of damage, such as the windpipe, solar plexus, groin or bridge of the nose. As hard as you can without thinking with all your body weight behind it. It is vital that you strike first. The vast majority of fights come down to who is willing to be the most vicious the fastest.

If it comes down to it and you are "successful" you will almost certainly face felony assault charges, at the very least. This is an action you would take only if you 100% felt you life was in danger and are willing to face the consequences, moral as well as legal.

Really you should just avoid this guy whatever the cost, because the cost of having a confrontation whether you WIN or LOSE is just too high.
posted by digitalprimate at 12:00 PM on June 7, 2013 [1 favorite]

I think all the advice about keeping a record any threats or threatening behavior is good.

Reporting the behavior to the meetup folks or the police could escalate the guys interest in harassing the poster if it gets back to him. Theoretically its good to not tolerate bullies and get the community behind you in situations like this but real life often doesn't work that way. Sometimes the best approach is to be invisible to a stalker/bully for a while. They will likely develop some other fixation. It could well turn out better to let a situation fizzle out than to find out what an escalation would be like.
posted by logonym at 12:13 PM on June 7, 2013

I would go to the cops, but also for chrissakes stop walking home alone at night. Pay for a cab or find an alternate route until this is over. I know it's a hassle, but it's a hassle women have to deal with all the time - do it for now.
posted by you're a kitty! at 1:36 PM on June 7, 2013 [2 favorites]

This is terrorism on a personal level I suppose. I took a beating once from fellows like this, and whilst it wasn't particularly enjoyable, it wasn't anything too terrible. If your concerned for your physical safety, perhaps going to the gym will help you feel more powerful in general. The law is great, but at the same time, you live in a country where people are free to do as they wish, with penalties coming later. Thus, you always have the requirement of maintaining your own personal security. There is no external solution that will help as much as physical strength, or self-defence knowledge.

Whilst this may not be a popular solution, a legal solution is to carry a small folding knife. When I was in your situation, I carried (for many years) a legal lock blade. Whilst the idea of using force on someone is not very attractive, if the situation arises, you are not reliant on non-existant person-to-person combat skills. Also, one person holding a knife to another person will attract A LOT of attention. That being said, don't be Stupid Rambo about it. The primary goal of having a knife is to give you a last option, not an inflated sense of ninja power. There are lots of guns, and you never want to escalate the situation to, as is commonly said, having a knife in a gun fight.

That being said, if he were to physically accost you, in the moment where he is coming perilously close to you, it may be better to have a knife than not to have a knife. But don't wave it around and play games. If he's about to pummel you, then use force. No threats, or any of that. Treat it literally as a last resort for disabling the body of someone who otherwise will cause you trauma.

As far as what to do ahead of these things, first of all, he's probably looking for attention and using fear to get it. Register the complaint with the police, so it's documented (especially if you end up confronting him, that registration will be the basis of your self-defense claim).

She's out of the picture for the moment, so that's good. But don't inflame him. And by that, don't give him attention, for that is most likely what he is looking for. I wouldn't even block him on Facebook, just file with the police and literally ignore him. Believe me, you may think threatening him back or letting him know that you've notified the police are helpful, but they well may be not, if he is as dumb as you say he is, and looking for attention.

Think about terrorism. What is terrorism designed to do? Instil fear and generate publicity. A terrorist wants to hurt people, and the fear will be telegraphed putting their name and their cause everywhere. It's the tactic weaker players can use to overcome barriers set in place by stronger players.

This guy is no different. He's obviously got a malignant process going on, and has transmuted that into assuming some kind of connection with your girlfriend can relieve him of his stress. He sees that you are present as well, so in lieu of her companionship or whatever he thinks he wants, he can have your attention. And he has it. And now all of ours. That's how terrorism works. He scared her, she scared you, now your scaring all of us. This little fellow has managed to gather the attention he so misses otherwise.

So don't give him the attention. Go to the gym, or take self-defense classes. Take taxis for a few weeks. Get a knife. File his email with police, and go on with your life.

One thing with police, is get an officer's direct number, so you can report everything to a person, rather than a desk.
posted by nickrussell at 3:59 AM on June 8, 2013