Partytime! Death threats!
December 15, 2014 8:38 AM Subscribe
Asking for a friend: How seriously to take a jealous ex-boyfriend's drunken threats of violence when you're the new guy?
My friend, C, was at a party this past weekend a cute woman was chatting him up. The woman's ex-boyfriend, who was drunk, saw this and approached him at one point to say something like, "if you ever f*** her, I'll slit your throat. Bring you back to life and kill you again." C reacted in a way like, "okay, good to know," and proceeded with his night. At some point, the ex apologized.
Later that night, C took the woman home and they did sleep together. Apparently she offered to go sleep in her car, but C says she eventually just slept in his bed with him. Now C is wondering when "word will get around" about this, and if the ex will find out and attempt anything. It's a relatively small college town. C says he isn't worried because he's bigger than the other guy. But is there anything he can or should do to protect himself? How serious could the threat be if the guy apologized?
My friend, C, was at a party this past weekend a cute woman was chatting him up. The woman's ex-boyfriend, who was drunk, saw this and approached him at one point to say something like, "if you ever f*** her, I'll slit your throat. Bring you back to life and kill you again." C reacted in a way like, "okay, good to know," and proceeded with his night. At some point, the ex apologized.
Later that night, C took the woman home and they did sleep together. Apparently she offered to go sleep in her car, but C says she eventually just slept in his bed with him. Now C is wondering when "word will get around" about this, and if the ex will find out and attempt anything. It's a relatively small college town. C says he isn't worried because he's bigger than the other guy. But is there anything he can or should do to protect himself? How serious could the threat be if the guy apologized?
Does this guy have a history of violence, or does he have a history of letting his mouth write checks his ass can't cash? Hard to say. What does SHE say about him? Is she afraid, or is this just drunken bluster?
If the guy apologized, it's an indication that he's ashamed of his drunken behavior and probably won't do anything. Of course all bets may be off if he gets drunk.
How would word get around if both parties say nothing? Of course you were told, so....DRAMAZ.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 8:43 AM on December 15, 2014 [3 favorites]
If the guy apologized, it's an indication that he's ashamed of his drunken behavior and probably won't do anything. Of course all bets may be off if he gets drunk.
How would word get around if both parties say nothing? Of course you were told, so....DRAMAZ.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 8:43 AM on December 15, 2014 [3 favorites]
An ex-boyfriend who was a casual acquaintance found me at a gaming store about 3 weeks after I started dating his ex (once she told him), asked to talk to me outside and hit me in the face with a roll of dimes in his hand. My jaw split on the side and ripped down so it looked like I was missing a bottom front tooth.
So there you go. He did not have a history of violence. They had been broken up for over a month when we met at a party and started dating so I was not involved in their breakup.
posted by OnTheLastCastle at 8:47 AM on December 15, 2014 [9 favorites]
So there you go. He did not have a history of violence. They had been broken up for over a month when we met at a party and started dating so I was not involved in their breakup.
posted by OnTheLastCastle at 8:47 AM on December 15, 2014 [9 favorites]
Response by poster: Yeah, it is already pretty dramatic. C is thinking he'll back away from the situation, but is a bit unsettled.
At the party, the woman acted embarrassed that her ex had made the threat, like "oh geez, did he threaten you? I'm sorry." So that makes me think it wasn't the first time the guy had made threats, but from reading The Gift of Fear I'm seeing the possession and threatening behavior (as well as her initial insistence on sleeping in the car after they had sex) as red flags.
posted by elken at 8:48 AM on December 15, 2014 [2 favorites]
At the party, the woman acted embarrassed that her ex had made the threat, like "oh geez, did he threaten you? I'm sorry." So that makes me think it wasn't the first time the guy had made threats, but from reading The Gift of Fear I'm seeing the possession and threatening behavior (as well as her initial insistence on sleeping in the car after they had sex) as red flags.
posted by elken at 8:48 AM on December 15, 2014 [2 favorites]
I think this threat - vocalized or not - is inherent in ex-boyfriends of a specific sort of personality, but the likelihood of follow-through is pretty low.
Probably the best way to avoid a spontaneous confrontation is to not spend too much time in the company of the guy when he's drinking. Other than that, just be aware of his general surroundings like all people ought to do (but generally only women have to, because the threat of being killed by drunk/sober/exes/strangers/acquaintances is ever-present).
If the guy walks up and does it again, your friend can certainly get the names of the other people standing there and go outside and call the police. The chances that they'll show up, or care if they do, are slim, but he might luck out and Drunk Ex has warrants.
C says he isn't worried because he's bigger than the other guy.
Is he bigger than a gun? Bigger than a car? Bigger than 3 of Drunk Ex's bros? This is stupid reasoning, but the whole situation is something short of rocket science anyway. C should watch his back, there's not anything else he can actually do.
posted by Lyn Never at 9:01 AM on December 15, 2014 [6 favorites]
Probably the best way to avoid a spontaneous confrontation is to not spend too much time in the company of the guy when he's drinking. Other than that, just be aware of his general surroundings like all people ought to do (but generally only women have to, because the threat of being killed by drunk/sober/exes/strangers/acquaintances is ever-present).
If the guy walks up and does it again, your friend can certainly get the names of the other people standing there and go outside and call the police. The chances that they'll show up, or care if they do, are slim, but he might luck out and Drunk Ex has warrants.
C says he isn't worried because he's bigger than the other guy.
Is he bigger than a gun? Bigger than a car? Bigger than 3 of Drunk Ex's bros? This is stupid reasoning, but the whole situation is something short of rocket science anyway. C should watch his back, there's not anything else he can actually do.
posted by Lyn Never at 9:01 AM on December 15, 2014 [6 favorites]
C says he isn't worried because he's bigger than the other guy.
It aint the size of the dog in the fight. It's the size of the fight in the dog. Besides, he's the one with a chip, so he's going to pick the place and the time, which is a huge advantage to have. And then, there are weapons.
This is a guy C needs to keep his eye on. This is a situation that C does not have very much control over. I would avoid all contact - find other bars, find other parties. If he sees him, leave.
posted by Pogo_Fuzzybutt at 9:10 AM on December 15, 2014 [9 favorites]
It aint the size of the dog in the fight. It's the size of the fight in the dog. Besides, he's the one with a chip, so he's going to pick the place and the time, which is a huge advantage to have. And then, there are weapons.
This is a guy C needs to keep his eye on. This is a situation that C does not have very much control over. I would avoid all contact - find other bars, find other parties. If he sees him, leave.
posted by Pogo_Fuzzybutt at 9:10 AM on December 15, 2014 [9 favorites]
Take every death threat seriously. Those who don't end up regretting it. It's a little too little a little too late because he already slept with her, but if I were C., I'd leave that girl alone, and stay as far away from her ex as I can.
posted by patheral at 9:58 AM on December 15, 2014 [2 favorites]
posted by patheral at 9:58 AM on December 15, 2014 [2 favorites]
- The ex BF knows who your friend is already
- It's a small town
- She offered to sleep in the car (as if she's normalized to this level of danger, OMG!!)
Your friend should go stay at a friend's place and lay low for a while (no bars, clubs, or parties for at least a month.)
Your friend should assume this poor girl's phone and online presence is not secure and he should not not not contact her, lest the EX find texts or messages from your friend and come after him.
Similarly, people often get back together with their abusers. So, I mean, your friend really must stay away from this. She openly flirted with another man in front of someone who is the type to make violent threats. I sense a pattern and it is not good. She's not showing good judgement.
Your friend has shown exceptionally poor judgement, himself. His best move is to stay out of the way (maybe go home for the holidays?) and pray these two forget about him.
posted by jbenben at 10:00 AM on December 15, 2014 [12 favorites]
- It's a small town
- She offered to sleep in the car (as if she's normalized to this level of danger, OMG!!)
Your friend should go stay at a friend's place and lay low for a while (no bars, clubs, or parties for at least a month.)
Your friend should assume this poor girl's phone and online presence is not secure and he should not not not contact her, lest the EX find texts or messages from your friend and come after him.
Similarly, people often get back together with their abusers. So, I mean, your friend really must stay away from this. She openly flirted with another man in front of someone who is the type to make violent threats. I sense a pattern and it is not good. She's not showing good judgement.
Your friend has shown exceptionally poor judgement, himself. His best move is to stay out of the way (maybe go home for the holidays?) and pray these two forget about him.
posted by jbenben at 10:00 AM on December 15, 2014 [12 favorites]
Did the ex apologize to C in person? Did the apology include the ex saying "you're a great guy" or equivalent? If not, this seems like a high threat. I'd tell the police -- this kind of intimidation is a crime. It's also not clear if this relationship is worth going to war over.
posted by sninctown at 10:10 AM on December 15, 2014 [3 favorites]
posted by sninctown at 10:10 AM on December 15, 2014 [3 favorites]
Police. Now.
EDIT: If only to make sure the threat is recorded somewhere, so if there's a followup they know the situation has escalated.
posted by IAmBroom at 10:29 AM on December 15, 2014 [9 favorites]
EDIT: If only to make sure the threat is recorded somewhere, so if there's a followup they know the situation has escalated.
posted by IAmBroom at 10:29 AM on December 15, 2014 [9 favorites]
Police. If it's just a joke, he can explain it to the law.
posted by corb at 12:18 PM on December 15, 2014 [9 favorites]
posted by corb at 12:18 PM on December 15, 2014 [9 favorites]
Nthing that this is worth a conversation with a police officer, at least. Provided, perhaps, that this dickhead doesn't have dickhead bros on this small town's force.
Knowing the age of those involved, the size of the town and distance from a metropolis, and the regional culture in play would cast more light, but there's my $0.02.
posted by snuffleupagus at 12:41 PM on December 15, 2014 [1 favorite]
Knowing the age of those involved, the size of the town and distance from a metropolis, and the regional culture in play would cast more light, but there's my $0.02.
posted by snuffleupagus at 12:41 PM on December 15, 2014 [1 favorite]
Also, if they're both students or employees or otherwise part of this college town's college, and it's a public institution, there's probably a school police dept or at least community safety office that might be interested. If it's a private institution that's more up in the air but there's usually some kind of security or safety office that might intervene. And either way this sort of threat may be covered by school conduct policy.
posted by snuffleupagus at 12:45 PM on December 15, 2014 [3 favorites]
posted by snuffleupagus at 12:45 PM on December 15, 2014 [3 favorites]
Another thought...getting law enforcement involved might only further enrage the ex and/or stir up something he might have forgotten about after sobering up.
posted by magdalemon at 12:53 PM on December 15, 2014
posted by magdalemon at 12:53 PM on December 15, 2014
Wow, I think its pretty unfair to the lady in this situation to cut off contact with her because of this guy.
I've had friends in this situation, and i always felt bad for them because their shitty exes would scare off potentially good relationships with decent people.
My advice would be don't go to anything you know this guy would probably be at. My friend, in a similar situation, got his ass beat VERY severely(like, he definitely should have gone to the hospital but didnt) six months later because he went to a party the ex and his friends were at. There's a bit more to the story, but it's not really relevant. The guy was still a possessive drunken idiot ex. And yea, he was a much much bigger guy, like your friend. He just wasn't bigger than 3 or 4 guys.
Dropping this would be understandable, but i don't think he's irresponsible or an idiot if he doesn't. Call the cops, try and get a protection order. And try and find out some history on the guy. In the case of the story I described, the guy had a history of violence and drug abuse since the relationship had ended... Which everyone knew about, apparently.
posted by emptythought at 1:04 PM on December 15, 2014 [4 favorites]
I've had friends in this situation, and i always felt bad for them because their shitty exes would scare off potentially good relationships with decent people.
My advice would be don't go to anything you know this guy would probably be at. My friend, in a similar situation, got his ass beat VERY severely(like, he definitely should have gone to the hospital but didnt) six months later because he went to a party the ex and his friends were at. There's a bit more to the story, but it's not really relevant. The guy was still a possessive drunken idiot ex. And yea, he was a much much bigger guy, like your friend. He just wasn't bigger than 3 or 4 guys.
Dropping this would be understandable, but i don't think he's irresponsible or an idiot if he doesn't. Call the cops, try and get a protection order. And try and find out some history on the guy. In the case of the story I described, the guy had a history of violence and drug abuse since the relationship had ended... Which everyone knew about, apparently.
posted by emptythought at 1:04 PM on December 15, 2014 [4 favorites]
> C says he isn't worried because he's bigger than the other guy.
This above is the kind of thing that makes these situations go horribly wrong.
Go to the police? I don't know. Stay away from the girl? I don't know.
Really, the only thing I do know is that C should avoid the ex-boyfriend. When the ex-boyfriend comes in, C needs to leave. Pretty simple.
Except that guys often have this macho / alpha thing going on where they won't leave - because it would be "unmanly", or somesuch. "Why should I leave? He's a punk!" Etc.
I personally knew a guy who got shot six times by a disgruntled husband, while drinking with his buddies at the VFW. Reportedly, his last words were "You're not man enough to pull that trigger, Ray!"
Which makes for an awesome story, but really, everyone would have been happier if he'd just left when he saw Ray walk in the door.
posted by doctor tough love at 1:30 PM on December 15, 2014 [4 favorites]
This above is the kind of thing that makes these situations go horribly wrong.
Go to the police? I don't know. Stay away from the girl? I don't know.
Really, the only thing I do know is that C should avoid the ex-boyfriend. When the ex-boyfriend comes in, C needs to leave. Pretty simple.
Except that guys often have this macho / alpha thing going on where they won't leave - because it would be "unmanly", or somesuch. "Why should I leave? He's a punk!" Etc.
I personally knew a guy who got shot six times by a disgruntled husband, while drinking with his buddies at the VFW. Reportedly, his last words were "You're not man enough to pull that trigger, Ray!"
Which makes for an awesome story, but really, everyone would have been happier if he'd just left when he saw Ray walk in the door.
posted by doctor tough love at 1:30 PM on December 15, 2014 [4 favorites]
These are the kind of questions that AskMe can't answer. I'd quietly ask around this small town, ideally people who won't gossip
about the fact you asked and focusing on the threat (not the rest of the evening).
posted by salvia at 1:58 PM on December 15, 2014
about the fact you asked and focusing on the threat (not the rest of the evening).
posted by salvia at 1:58 PM on December 15, 2014
Response by poster: Thanks for the advice so far. Everyone involved is in their late 20s; C is not affiliated with the university and I'm not sure whether the other people are.
I live out of town and so I can't personally ask around, but I was hoping to advise C. with something he can do to limit his risk (if there is indeed a risk). He seems to waver between "scared" and "unfazed," and I'm concerned, is all.
posted by elken at 2:23 PM on December 15, 2014
I live out of town and so I can't personally ask around, but I was hoping to advise C. with something he can do to limit his risk (if there is indeed a risk). He seems to waver between "scared" and "unfazed," and I'm concerned, is all.
posted by elken at 2:23 PM on December 15, 2014
Death threats should always be taken seriously. Even if he didn't really mean it at that time, when people repeat themselves often enough or if they get challenged on it, it can become self-fulfilling prophesy. This is probably part of why people can sometimes get very hung up about "don't SAY that!", as if our mere words can magically cause a bad thing to actually happen: Because, in some sense, yes, saying it often enough can help it turn into a real event.
It sounds like C is not hugely savvy about how to handle something like this. Anyone who thinks their size will protect them is being foolish. Some of the most dangerous people I have known were skinny little squirts who had been picked on and abused by bigger people for a long time and they learned to escalate things quickly -- they learned to break something, pull a knife, and so on rather than keep on taking the abuse. A big guy can bluster and threaten and hope that people will not insist he put up or shut up. He can hope that his size alone will prevent it from going there. A little person really cannot. So if a smaller person is threatening you, it is a good idea to wonder what the backstory is there and wonder if they are maybe a lot more dangerous than you might think based on their appearance.
Whether C wants to keep seeing this girl or not, he can reduce his risk by, as others have said, just walk away and avoid as much as possible. He already slept with her -- it is kind of too late to side step this entirely. He needs to be watching his back, even if he never sees her again. He also needs to try hard to not do anything that would amount to rubbing it in the guy's face. This policy needs to be held to both online and off, both when C has some idea the guy might be "within earshot" and also when he thinks the guy can't possibly ever get wind of it.
I really really hate to agree with the idea of C refusing to get involved with the girl because of this. This does become a problem for some women who have been in an unhealthy relationship and then just cannot really escape it because the ex keeps shitting on things and other men do not care enough about her to stick around and/or help her extricate herself. However, as someone who did manage to escape an abusive situation with some of those elements of "even if I can't have you, I don't want anyone else having you," I will say that if the ex is really a serious piece of work, staying with the girl is not a good idea if C isn't prepared to be "in for a penny, in for a pound" and rise to the occasion to problem solve.
If he thinks he isn't up to the challenge, he maybe should nicely let the girl know she needs to take action to resolve this situation but he isn't up for it. A girl with this kind of problem is not a great candidate for casual fun. ATM, her life is just not conducive to that and if she and other people fail to recognize that, drama will tend to ensue.
posted by Michele in California at 3:12 PM on December 15, 2014 [3 favorites]
It sounds like C is not hugely savvy about how to handle something like this. Anyone who thinks their size will protect them is being foolish. Some of the most dangerous people I have known were skinny little squirts who had been picked on and abused by bigger people for a long time and they learned to escalate things quickly -- they learned to break something, pull a knife, and so on rather than keep on taking the abuse. A big guy can bluster and threaten and hope that people will not insist he put up or shut up. He can hope that his size alone will prevent it from going there. A little person really cannot. So if a smaller person is threatening you, it is a good idea to wonder what the backstory is there and wonder if they are maybe a lot more dangerous than you might think based on their appearance.
Whether C wants to keep seeing this girl or not, he can reduce his risk by, as others have said, just walk away and avoid as much as possible. He already slept with her -- it is kind of too late to side step this entirely. He needs to be watching his back, even if he never sees her again. He also needs to try hard to not do anything that would amount to rubbing it in the guy's face. This policy needs to be held to both online and off, both when C has some idea the guy might be "within earshot" and also when he thinks the guy can't possibly ever get wind of it.
I really really hate to agree with the idea of C refusing to get involved with the girl because of this. This does become a problem for some women who have been in an unhealthy relationship and then just cannot really escape it because the ex keeps shitting on things and other men do not care enough about her to stick around and/or help her extricate herself. However, as someone who did manage to escape an abusive situation with some of those elements of "even if I can't have you, I don't want anyone else having you," I will say that if the ex is really a serious piece of work, staying with the girl is not a good idea if C isn't prepared to be "in for a penny, in for a pound" and rise to the occasion to problem solve.
If he thinks he isn't up to the challenge, he maybe should nicely let the girl know she needs to take action to resolve this situation but he isn't up for it. A girl with this kind of problem is not a great candidate for casual fun. ATM, her life is just not conducive to that and if she and other people fail to recognize that, drama will tend to ensue.
posted by Michele in California at 3:12 PM on December 15, 2014 [3 favorites]
You're not sure about the threat level?
Let me help you out!
When someone says "I will kill you, resurrect you, then kill you again" - they are very used to violence.
Your friend should go to the police and file a report right now. That means paperwork is generated. He does not have to press charges unless approached a second time.
What happened is called Criminal Threatening and it is a misdemeanor, and I am so so sorry I did not reply with this information sooner.
posted by jbenben at 3:55 PM on December 15, 2014 [8 favorites]
Let me help you out!
When someone says "I will kill you, resurrect you, then kill you again" - they are very used to violence.
Your friend should go to the police and file a report right now. That means paperwork is generated. He does not have to press charges unless approached a second time.
What happened is called Criminal Threatening and it is a misdemeanor, and I am so so sorry I did not reply with this information sooner.
posted by jbenben at 3:55 PM on December 15, 2014 [8 favorites]
No shot at love is worth a shot from her ex-boyfriend.
*ba-dum-bump*
No, seriously. While yes, it sucks that the girl here may never be able to find true love while this jackass is driving off potential suitors, right now it may be literally risking his life to sleep with her. (And really, he should not have done that. This is not a great situation for a one night bang, even.) Is she THAT awesome and worth it? Does C have any idea of how to cope with an abusive ex as a stalker to help her out? Does he WANT to get involved that deeply? If he's not all in, then he needs to get all out.
posted by jenfullmoon at 5:53 PM on December 15, 2014 [2 favorites]
*ba-dum-bump*
No, seriously. While yes, it sucks that the girl here may never be able to find true love while this jackass is driving off potential suitors, right now it may be literally risking his life to sleep with her. (And really, he should not have done that. This is not a great situation for a one night bang, even.) Is she THAT awesome and worth it? Does C have any idea of how to cope with an abusive ex as a stalker to help her out? Does he WANT to get involved that deeply? If he's not all in, then he needs to get all out.
posted by jenfullmoon at 5:53 PM on December 15, 2014 [2 favorites]
This might be a really dumb clarifying question but I'm confused by this:
C took the woman home and they did sleep together. Apparently she offered to go sleep in her car, but C says she eventually just slept in his bed with him.
If you had left it at the first sentence, the assumption is that you're being metaphorical when you say that they slept together. That logically fits with the rest of the question because the threat was in regards to "f***ing" the woman. But then you added the second sentence, which makes me wonder… why? How is that relevant? Did they have sex and for some reason the woman thought it would be less suspicious or inappropriate or damning if she slept in her car? Going to sleep in her car when there's a bed available to sleep on seems like a bizarre thing to do, especially if it's also the depths of winter there (like it is where I am). Or are you saying that they didn't have sex at all, they just literally slept in the same bed? That makes the rest of the question less logical, unless your friend is just worried that her sleeping in his bed will make her ex think that they had sex.
I can't be the only one who read this question and wondered what the heck you mean by saying "they did sleep together…. she eventually just slept in his bed with him" - because obviously we're all assuming this means sex, and therefore your friend did do the thing that he was threatened with death for doing (I think the threat is scary and that he should report this to the police, fwiw).
posted by treehorn+bunny at 11:31 PM on December 15, 2014 [4 favorites]
C took the woman home and they did sleep together. Apparently she offered to go sleep in her car, but C says she eventually just slept in his bed with him.
If you had left it at the first sentence, the assumption is that you're being metaphorical when you say that they slept together. That logically fits with the rest of the question because the threat was in regards to "f***ing" the woman. But then you added the second sentence, which makes me wonder… why? How is that relevant? Did they have sex and for some reason the woman thought it would be less suspicious or inappropriate or damning if she slept in her car? Going to sleep in her car when there's a bed available to sleep on seems like a bizarre thing to do, especially if it's also the depths of winter there (like it is where I am). Or are you saying that they didn't have sex at all, they just literally slept in the same bed? That makes the rest of the question less logical, unless your friend is just worried that her sleeping in his bed will make her ex think that they had sex.
I can't be the only one who read this question and wondered what the heck you mean by saying "they did sleep together…. she eventually just slept in his bed with him" - because obviously we're all assuming this means sex, and therefore your friend did do the thing that he was threatened with death for doing (I think the threat is scary and that he should report this to the police, fwiw).
posted by treehorn+bunny at 11:31 PM on December 15, 2014 [4 favorites]
magdalemon: Another thought...getting law enforcement involved might only further enrage the ex and/or stir up something he might have forgotten about after sobering up.If I understand you right, one shouldn't contact the police when threatened because it might upset the people who are threatening you.
That is NOT a good plan for self-protection.
posted by IAmBroom at 9:22 AM on December 16, 2014 [1 favorite]
emptythought: Wow, I think its pretty unfair to the lady in this situation to cut off contact with her because of this guy.Don't care. If I get to not be murdered by being "pretty unfair" to someone, that someone is going to get an unfair deal. Any other decision is insane.
posted by IAmBroom at 9:24 AM on December 16, 2014 [2 favorites]
IAmBroom, I'm remembering The Gift of Fear, specifically the parts about how a restraining order can often escalate domestic violence and put the victim in even greater danger than before. I've never had experience with this, so I don't know, but this guy doesn't seem like he'll stop just because someone in a uniform asks him to (and he won't be locked away just for making a threat, which would be the other benefit to getting authorities involved).
posted by magdalemon at 11:14 AM on December 16, 2014 [2 favorites]
posted by magdalemon at 11:14 AM on December 16, 2014 [2 favorites]
Re Don't care. If I get to not be murdered by being "pretty unfair" to someone, that someone is going to get an unfair deal. Any other decision is insane.
Well, as much as I think that is a rather dickish framing, I basically agree. A perhaps kinder framing is that if you aren't up to handling this, walking away so you don't get murdered protects the girl from having that on her conscience on top of also being harassed and what not. Also, monsters seem to be made, not born. Right now, he's just an asshole, not a murderer, and, right now, there is still opportunity for this to be resolved with less drama than murder or assault with intent to commit murder. Once someone actually goes so far as to start physically assaulting people, it changes their internal boundaries and makes that kind of behavior more acceptable in their own eyes and they become more likely to do more of that. This is not a good thing for anyone.
Re the police: Tough call. If it escalates, you may wish you had a record. But, yes, if the cops show up but don't arrest, all you have done is provoked him further.
posted by Michele in California at 1:35 PM on December 16, 2014 [1 favorite]
Well, as much as I think that is a rather dickish framing, I basically agree. A perhaps kinder framing is that if you aren't up to handling this, walking away so you don't get murdered protects the girl from having that on her conscience on top of also being harassed and what not. Also, monsters seem to be made, not born. Right now, he's just an asshole, not a murderer, and, right now, there is still opportunity for this to be resolved with less drama than murder or assault with intent to commit murder. Once someone actually goes so far as to start physically assaulting people, it changes their internal boundaries and makes that kind of behavior more acceptable in their own eyes and they become more likely to do more of that. This is not a good thing for anyone.
Re the police: Tough call. If it escalates, you may wish you had a record. But, yes, if the cops show up but don't arrest, all you have done is provoked him further.
posted by Michele in California at 1:35 PM on December 16, 2014 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by empath at 8:42 AM on December 15, 2014 [14 favorites]