I'm new to depression. Please help.
June 4, 2013 10:02 AM Subscribe
Yesterday I admitted aloud to my husband that I think I am suffering from depression. This came after a lengthy argument over something trivial. Lately I have been feeling very, very irritated at the littlest things, and I feel like I could tear the world apart.
posted by ThaBombShelterSmith to health & fitness (39 answers total) 9 users marked this as a favorite
- I had a son 8 months ago. I had a small bout with depression (I guess), the very first week he was born. From my understanding the first week is hell for anyone who has just had a baby. I leveled off after I got out of the hormonal dark zone approximately 6 weeks after his birth (September 2012).
- I stopped breastfeeding at 6 months. My son rejected me outright. I had been struggling up to this point to maintain supply with him and I could never meet his needs without supplementing. While I was breastfeeding, I was on low-e birth control that I believe may have interfered with my milk production. Since I now longer breastfeeding, I am on a new birth control. I have been on it for a little more than a month.
When I finally announced that I thought I was depressed, I felt very strange. Like the header says, I am new to depression (at least feeling it this strongly). I was holding my son at the time and he weighs about 20 pounds. As I was holding him, he began to feel like an anvil. He kept getting heavier and heavier. I felt light headed and I began to shake. He's been fussy for the past few days and he has a diaper rash that won't quit, so he was beginning to cry. I thought that I might pass out while I was holding him so I handed him off to my husband who then went to the other room to change his diaper, give him a bottle, etc. We were in the process of making dinner at the time and I was outside by our grill crying enormous tears, but silently. It was the most surreal moment of my life. I felt nothing; completely blank. It was a beautiful day and I didn't care. The sunshine felt cold. As I was crying my silent tears, my husband asked me to flip the chicken on the grill and I did so. It must have been a very odd sight to our neighbors; me flipping chicken while openly weeping.
I texted my mom to ask if I could talk to her on the phone later after my son was asleep and when my father was not around to hear. She called me a few hours later and I told her. She was very supportive and agreed, based on what I told her and how I was feeling, that I need to see a doctor. I have made an appointment but the earliest I am able to see my GP is next Tuesday.
I feel very ashamed. I have, from what most people can see, a happy life. I am married to an amazing man who is an amazing father. I have a son who is really the easiest and happiest baby on the planet. I have a stable job and income, and I own a home. These things seem to make up the general consensus of happiness. I feel as though I have no right to be depressed. I have all these nice things, right? There are people out there with real problems. I don't feel like I am one of them.
I feel like I am losing my connection to my son. I have never dreamt or fantasized about hurting him in any way. Things were great with him up until six months, when we stopped breastfeeding. Now, I don't want to interact with him. I have been great with him up until this. I hold him because I feel like I have to and I want people to see, out in public, that I am a good mom even though I am not. I know that I have been good in the past. I want to be good again. I want to be great again.
With all of that said, I'm not sure that I'm truly depressed. Perhaps it's related to my hormones fluctuating with the new birth control and stopping breastfeeding. I have an enormous amount of guilt from quitting breastfeeding, even though it was a battle the entire time and I hated every minute of it. I'm not sure if this is late-onset postpartum depression or anxiety. I've read the symptoms of depression, PPD, and PPA, and I seem to fit them all in one way or another. I don't really know where to go from here, other than waiting to see the doctor, and that seems like a very long way away even though it's a week.
I don't really know what's happening to me or where it's going to take me. I'm scared and ashamed. My mom is supportive, but I still feel like she will look at me like some mental patient. I asked her this directly and of course she said that she wouldn't. She said that she would not tell my father and I trust her on that.
Sorry if this isn't clear enough. I feel like I'm trapped in a fog. I literally had to leave work today to take out my contacts and wear my glasses because I felt like I couldn't see straight. Is depression supposed to be this literal?
TL; DR: I think I'm depressed but I'm not really sure. I agree with nearly everything on symptom lists. Is this related to PPD/A or is it actually depression?
Note: I have had one traumatic life event, but it was 17 years ago and I don't think it's relevant.