Dealing with distance when I want constant contact and he doesn't
May 28, 2013 12:51 AM   Subscribe

I've been in a relationship with a guy for 6 months. When one of us is traveling, I prefer to send lots of text messages and emails throughout the day, and I want to get messages back. He dislikes written communication and would prefer to have rare, brief phone calls and just wait until we see each other in-person again. What can I do, which won't result in frustration for one of us?

I'm a woman, and we are both in our 30s. We see each other every day. It is a supportive and fun relationship when we are in person. I'm on a multi-week trip at the moment, away from him.

I prefer written communication. In past relationships, if we were physically apart, we would send at least one email per day. On those trips, whenever I woke up, I'd already have a new email from that person, which was reassuring.

My boyfriend dislikes written communication, and prefers to spend time in-person. He is somewhat okay with phone, but he doesn't initiate. He prefers to have minimal contact when remote and just wait until we see each other again. While we're apart, he's preparing for my return by getting his work and errands out of the way, tidying his apartment, buying food to cook for me, picking up flowers, making a card.

Logically I know that he loves me and that he's showing his love in his own way. But emotionally I feel like "We've been apart for many days. He doesn't email, rarely calls, and doesn't reply to half of my emails. He doesn't love me any more!" Then I feel like a jerk when we talk about it and I find out all the sweet things he's been doing.

This problem is at least partially driven by my childhood experience. When I was a child (1 to 10 years old), there were periods where either one of my parents would be completely unreachable for months at a time. We really needed money, and they would be studying or working in a different city. Long distance phone calls were too expensive, so I would not be able to talk to them for many months at a stretch. I think this caused me to become sensitive when I am long distance from a boyfriend. I need contact every day, or else after 24 hours of no-contact, I feel resentful and then detached. I'm already talking to a therapist about this.

I've told my boyfriend about my childhood experiences and how they affect me, and he listened though I think it is hard to truly empathize. I also told him how much I like to hear from him, and he set up a calendar reminder to send me a daily voice message via a mobile app. That was good at first, but then because I was also sending him messages, he spent energy replying to my messages and stopped initiating messages himself. So now we're back in a pattern where he's replying to some of my messages and ignoring others because he's busy or distracted, and rarely initiates any messages.

My question is what actions I can take to improve this situation. Do I cut back on the number of messages that I send him, and let him set the frequency of contact? That feels artificial to me, and similar to game-playing ("I want to contact him but I'll hold myself back and wait for him to reach out to me first!")

What has worked for you in the past?
posted by cheesecake to Human Relations (28 answers total) 7 users marked this as a favorite
 
Do you send him multiple messages throughout the day? How about maybe just exchanging one message/phone call a day. Or maybe a phone call one day and message the next day? That way you are both getting the short of communication you're comfortable with.

Personally, when I'm on vacation I really don't want to be attached to my phone all the time and so I usually contact my loved ones right before bed.
posted by littlesq at 1:04 AM on May 28, 2013 [3 favorites]


Be busy with your own life.
posted by empath at 1:04 AM on May 28, 2013 [17 favorites]


Ask him to make you a card you can take on your trip that says something about things the two of you will do after you get back, and how much he is looking forward to it.
posted by yohko at 1:05 AM on May 28, 2013


Do I cut back on the number of messages that I send him?

But earlier you said:

I prefer to send lots of text messages and emails throughout the day

The emphatic answer is yes; cut back. Your partner has stuff going on during his travels. And you should have more stuff going on with yours (the comment by empath is good). Otherwise you run the risk of burning out the relationship, of your partner becoming negative about the number of messages and starting to think of moving on to a more relaxed relationship. It's the quality of the communication that counts, not the quantity.
posted by Wordshore at 1:16 AM on May 28, 2013 [8 favorites]


I went through this a while back with Partner. We wouldn't talk for weeks at a time whilst the other was traveling. I wasn't bothered. She was very bothered.

The solution was in what we were communicating. Rather than long conversations at awkward times, we started using a variety of media. I would send her photos of things that reminded me of her throughout the day. Every now and then, I would sit down and record a three or five minute video about something I was doing that I thought she would enjoy. She had her own way. Tagging me in Facebook photos as the food at meals she enjoyed, for example.

If you relax your expectations of what the communication has to be, there's lots of ways a couple can make keeping in touch both non-intrusive and fun.
posted by nickrussell at 1:22 AM on May 28, 2013 [12 favorites]


I was in a relationship until recently, with a person who wanted -- nay, needed and insisted on -- daily contact, without exception. Me, I grew up fairly independently with a distant, not very communicative family; by way of example, I talk to my mother once every few months, my sister every few years, and my best friend in another state and I talk in bursts, then nothing for months on end...even though we all like and love and care about each other very much. So quite extreme opposites. Those are my bona fides for this response.

Now, first: let me say that a person like me can change, at least somewhat. In response to her needs, once I understood them, I worked hard to reach out every day, in writing via text or email at the very least. It took a while, and at first it felt ridiculous and unnecessary, but over time I developed the habit at her behest, and I even started talking with my mother and my best friend a great deal more (well, relatively anyway.) Some other friends of mine have even expressed that I contact them too damn much (seeing as how they're a lot like me, that shouldn't be a surprise, but once I'd developed the habit it seemed odd not to do it with everyone.)

Second: let me say that it might not solve the underlying problem. You see, daily contact was what she needed, and I worked very hard to be that kind of person, but if I didn't talk to her for one day -- just once -- it was a Big Dealtm, and over time I realized that even daily contact wasn't going to be enough; the deeper trust and confidence issues were being placated, not addressed. You can't solve deep problems with shallow patchwork, and it got so bad that I found myself wondering why my friends weren't upset if I missed contacting them one day out of thirty. It was making me quite neurotic, trying to feed that underlying need, and I'm still shaking off the yoke of that.

So, I'd say that in the short term you can ask him to ramp it up, and he can certainly develop that habit -- and that may be what you want -- but what you really need is to ask him to ramp it up to a level that's closer to what you want, but not totally what you want, and then you need to work to develop comfort with that. He'll be a better person for being more communicative, you'll be a better person for having confidence in your relationships in the absence of constant contact, and -- with or without each other -- you'll be better people individually. With luck, you'll meet in the middle, or you'll both realize that you need to be with people who are more like yourselves, and that's okay too.

Good luck.
posted by davejay at 1:51 AM on May 28, 2013 [17 favorites]


Your boyfriend sounds wonderful and IMO you're being very selfish. You both have different preferences, you expressed your need for daily contact and he accommodated you but then you completely disregarded his preference, you're not compromising at all, you want to send multiple texts and emails per day so you do, and you admit that he does reply to some of them so again, he's giving in to your preference. He's giving you as much as he can, you're expecting too much of him. If you liked the once per day voice message then stop texting and emailing him all day. He presumably still has his own life to lead while you're away.
posted by missmagenta at 1:52 AM on May 28, 2013 [15 favorites]


You say you send "lots of text messages and emails throughout the day", and that while he responds to most of your mesages you think he should ALSO be initiating even MORE messages.... I've got to agree with missmagenta: you're being very selfish, because honestly, it sounds like the level of constant contact you want is overwhelmingly smothering. You say he dislikes written communication and that "he doesn't reply to half of my emails", but it also sounds like you don't give him the time to do it (in his own time) before you bury him under an avalanche of NEW texts and emails.

Try this: put down your phone. Send him ONE email a day, one text, and no more than one photo.

(Oh, and re: having been unable to talk to one of your parents for 'months at a time' as a small child; my own father was totally unreachable, by ANY means, for about 60% of my first 16 years. And there are plenty of people who can tell you similar stories, but who don't require this kind of constant electronic handholding.)
posted by easily confused at 2:51 AM on May 28, 2013 [9 favorites]


Do I cut back on the number of messages that I send him, and let him set the frequency of contact? That feels artificial to me, and similar to game-playing ("I want to contact him but I'll hold myself back and wait for him to reach out to me first!")

I think your problem is that you're seeing this is terms of perfect reciprocity. You send him a message, then he sends you a message = good. But then it means that he hasn't really initiated anything, just responded to your message, which doesn't 'count', and...huh?!

Look, his 'default setting' for contact frequency is obviously set lower than yours. You've told him you want more contact, and he's trying, but you're so caught up in this whole response vs initiation thing that the poor guy can't win at this stage.

I would gently suggest that your insecurities stemming from your childhood are not really his to deal with. I think you should contact him when you want to, but not get bent out of shape when you don't get a reply. That's not 'playing games', it's compromising. Enjoy his messages when they come, and stop keeping score. If he's buying you flowers and making you cards and otherwise being awesome, you're kind of borrowing trouble, IMO.
posted by Salamander at 2:52 AM on May 28, 2013 [27 favorites]


My partner and I have a system of our own - we call before we go to bed. Sometimes the calls don't connect or one of us forgets. But mostly, we live together and so whenever one of us goes to bed alone we're thinking of the other (even if sometimes the thoughts are 'thank goodness I can go to bed whenever I want and not have to wait on him/her', it's still a reminder...). He's really good at that - in fact he's pretty pushy about making sure I call him before I go to bed.

But he can't for the life of him manage to send me an email. I've asked however many times, told him that I love waking up to messages from him, etc. I can ask when we're getting off the phone, "when we get off the phone please go write me an email!", he says yes, but no email ever happens. I've had to chalk it up to blind spots. Your partner may be the same way; just doesn't remember to contact you, or doesn't remember it at the right moments. He can try to change but at the end of the day, you may be the one who needs to change.

And you are definitely 'borrowing trouble' when you take one day of no contact - something that you know from experience is normal for him - and blow that up into something horrible waiting when you get home. When you get home, you can see if there's something horrible; no point in catastrophizing about it before then, when there's not even anything out of the norm.
posted by Lady Li at 3:18 AM on May 28, 2013 [3 favorites]


Realize partners under these kind of expectations can/will simply walk away from such a relationship, because you show no flexibility and require high maintenance.

Cut back on the frequency and find a friend/family member to thoroughly vent when that moment arises, and within reason of course.
posted by Kruger5 at 3:38 AM on May 28, 2013 [6 favorites]


I don't even think she needs to cut back on the frequency of emails and so on unless he's complaining about it. He might like to hear from her all the time, even if he doesn't have anything to say.
posted by empath at 3:45 AM on May 28, 2013 [3 favorites]


Friend or SO that would do my head in. We are all different mebbe this makes you incompatible.
posted by BenPens at 4:11 AM on May 28, 2013 [1 favorite]


You refer to this as your "preference" but it seems to be more of a need. It's as if, to you, the relationship ceases to exist if haven't heard from him recently enough. Others are telling you to let go of this and it looks like you can't. I suspect what makes it difficult for you is that there is anger involved which you can't fully experience because you know it's unjustified and because you're afraid of driving him away. It's hard to feel anger towards someone on whom you feel dependent (like a parent.)
posted by Obscure Reference at 4:45 AM on May 28, 2013


I do think that you need to compromise with your expectations if this is an issue you want to resolve.

Your boyfriend is trying to accommodate this request but I think you are asking him to feed your insecurity rather than you dealing with the underlying issue. I say this as someone who had similar challenges early in my current relationship but with different underlying causes.

When I first started dating my boyfriend, I expected similar levels of communication because my previous relationship was one in which if I was not in near constant communication, it would lead to a fight with nasty accusations from a controlling boyfriend. So that level of communication had become my default. My now husband travels A LOT and it was simply not sustainable if that was my expectation

So a few things I would suggest you consider:

1) does everything you send him require a response? Or are you just sharing tidbits? If you are just sharing tidbits, accept that he will get back to you when he is able. It doesn't sound like he is trying to blow you off, but that he can't keep up with your requests.

2) stay busy with your own stuff. Seriously. It will take your mind off him being away. And when he comes back you will have tons of things to tell him over dinner!

3) Take it to heart that he is not doing this to hurt you. Try not to project the concern that he will disappear for months on you. Has he? No? Then try not to act like he will. This will take time. But you won't learn that if you don't allow yourself some space when he is gone. You won't get over this if he constantly feeds your insecurity. It will just make that high level of communication when he is gone the norm which will just make it harder when it's not sustainable.

4) Look for a compromise. When my husband travels, we will text a bit through the day and then text or call to say good night. If I am having an especially lonely day which usually happens around day 7 of him being gone, I will sometimes text him and ask if he can call me at some point that day because I miss him. It may only be a few minutes of talking but it holds me over. But it's a compromise because I know he is traveling for work and is WORKING. Not running off and leaving me alone.

Try and trust that your boyfriend is trying his best. You may want to talk to someone about the underlying issue so you can resolve that rather than ask your boyfriend to accommodate it.
posted by polkadot at 5:41 AM on May 28, 2013 [2 favorites]


Spend more time discussing this with your therapist and less time flooding your boyfriend with messages. If someone needed to constantly keep tabs on me I'd find it incredibly manipulative and controlling. That's not what you're trying to do, but that's how it would feel to me.

He can't fix what is broken in you. Ten thousand text messages can't fix it. You can fix it with help from a mental health professional.
posted by 26.2 at 7:32 AM on May 28, 2013 [4 favorites]


Well, part of this is (in my opinion) just a maturing-in-relationships thing.

If I had met my wife any sooner than I did (entering my mid 30's) it wouldn't have worked out because I wouldn't have been able to deal with the low contact/reassurance level. As it stands, I had a little trouble with it at first, but I came to realize that it's much better to want a little more of someone than to want a little less of someone. And that in the end, it's great to be dating a person who is whole and complete without you and just likes you.
posted by ftm at 7:42 AM on May 28, 2013


I, personally, would not be in a relationship with someone who didn't want to communicate every day. It has nothing to do with maturity, it's just my style.
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 7:53 AM on May 28, 2013 [4 favorites]


Getting someone who dislikes distance communication to reach out to you on a daily basis really is a big deal and really should speak to how much he cares about you, and I think it would help to reframe it as such in your head. "Rarely calls" and "sends daily voice messages" are very much not the same thing; likewise, "doesn't respond to half my emails" suggests that he is responding the other half, and if you're sending him multiple emails a day that means he's emailing you at least once a day ... honestly, if I were him I'd be feeling a little overwhelmed if that weren't enough.

So like others above have suggested, if you want this relationship to succeed I think you need to work on your end of the compromise here. Maybe try to figure out what is most important to you: getting a response to some of your messages, being able to send as many messages as you want, or getting messages that he initiates, and then let him know your preference and ask him if that's something he can accommodate - with the understanding that you probably can't have all three on a regular basis with this particular individual.

This doesn't mean he doesn't love you - if he didn't, I don't think he would be trying to meet your needs by communicating with you on a daily basis - just that time and emotional energy are necessarily finite resources, and maybe distance communication takes him more of each than it takes you. If it turns out that repeated daily communication when you're apart is a must-have for you, that's fine - just understand that it may mean the two of you aren't compatible.
posted by DingoMutt at 8:07 AM on May 28, 2013 [1 favorite]


Oh, and as a sort of silly suggestion: when my partner and I are going to be apart for a while, we'll often bring along a nightshirt or something belonging to the other one to wear or just have with us until we're back together. A little teenager-y, sure, but it makes us happy! And based on what you're saying, perhaps it could help you, too. It sounds like part of your problem is that while you're away your brain starts to reinvent your relationship and your partner, downplaying your relationship and casting you as someone who isn't as important to your partner as you hoped ... maybe having something of his with you - a shirt that smells like him, a trinket you associate with him, a little souvenir from an especially fun outing - will help to anchor you in the reality of who he is and what your relationship is really like.

Obviously this is no substitute for therapy and working things out with your partner, but maybe it could be worth trying as a simple little touch to help counteract the negative messages your brain starts to feed you while you're apart?
posted by DingoMutt at 8:37 AM on May 28, 2013 [2 favorites]


How about you call once or twice a week and instead of sending him messages you can create a memory/ scrap book of your trip that you give to him when you re-unite in person. That way he can look through your pictures adn reflections on the trip and you can talk about them in person (his style) but it also give you the writing release while you're away.
posted by WeekendJen at 8:44 AM on May 28, 2013 [1 favorite]


Do I cut back on the number of messages that I send him, and let him set the frequency of contact? That feels artificial to me, and similar to game-playing ("I want to contact him but I'll hold myself back and wait for him to reach out to me first!")

Letting him set the frequency would be more natural, surely? The rhythm of your communications with this guy just can't be the constant beat you crave. Compromise really does mean that yes, you have to settle for fewer messages than you prefer, and that he has to send them oftener than he normally prefers, which he is doing. As others have said, your childhood anxieties aren't anything to do with your boyfriend. They explain why you want the constant stream of reassurance, but its being understandable doesn't mean you shouldn't try to address it.
posted by tomboko at 10:01 AM on May 28, 2013


On those trips, whenever I woke up, I'd already have a new email from that person, which was reassuring.

Sorry, but that's a really troubling statement. You have childhood abandonment issues, okay sure; but they are not your boyfriend's to fix. They are yours to fix. And you're an adult now, and can apply logic and critical thinking to your feelings. It's OK I guess to feel rejected because you wakeup and there is no email, but when you're a grownup you remind yourself that this does not mean anything bad, and you get out of bed and cheerfully get on with your day.

And FWIW, when my partner and I are apart, I call once every other day to let him know I'm not dead.
posted by DarlingBri at 10:13 AM on May 28, 2013 [6 favorites]


You have childhood abandonment issues, okay sure; but they are not your boyfriend's to fix. They are yours to fix.

I want to underscore this. The primary job of a healthy, adult relationship is not to make up for what we did not receive as children; it is not to fill us up in the ways in which we are empty; it is not to redeem the lost promises and disappointed expectations of our pasts. This is not to say that your abandonment issues aren't real or legitimate; they most certainly are. But the place to work them out is with a therapist, which will allow you to develop greater confidence, self-soothing skills, ability to deal with the unknown, etc. Expecting your boyfriend (whether this one or any boyfriend in the future) to be the proxy for this will ultimately only sabotage the relationship, and/or keep you locked into an unhealthy dynamic.

This book is my go-to recommendation for exactly this sort of thing, and contains a discussion specifically of the ways in which fears of abandonment, if they're not dealt with separately, can play out in destructive ways in relationships.
posted by scody at 10:42 AM on May 28, 2013 [9 favorites]


My question is what actions I can take to improve this situation. Do I cut back on the number of messages that I send him, and let him set the frequency of contact? That feels artificial to me, and similar to game-playing ("I want to contact him but I'll hold myself back and wait for him to reach out to me first!")

By definition it's impossible for him to initiate messages if he can never keep up with replying to your messages in the first place! It sounds like you've asked him for a considerable amount of compromise in his style (and he's made a huge effort...daily voicemails from someone who prefers no contact while travelling?!) but you haven't mentioned adjusting yours at all. Absolutely that is the next step. It's really, really unreasonable to expect him to make 100% of the "compromise", particularly when your expectations are very far from the norm.

Joining your partner in making an effort to compromise after being honest about your needs is literally the opposite of game-playing.

What has worked for you in the past?

Understanding that people have different communication styles, and this is ok. Sometimes you can find a compromise that makes both people happy, and sometimes you are incompatible, and neither person is necessarily wrong.
posted by randomnity at 11:11 AM on May 28, 2013 [1 favorite]


You have childhood abandonment issues, okay sure; but they are not your boyfriend's to fix. They are yours to fix.

I want to underscore this. The primary job of a healthy, adult relationship is not to make up for what we did not receive as children; it is not to fill us up in the ways in which we are empty; it is not to redeem the lost promises and disappointed expectations of our pasts.


Certainly this is often true. I also think you can -- healthy, adult style -- seek and find paths to maturity, fulfillment, acceptance WITHOUT THERAPY within couple-dom. Through the art of coupling. And from the other person!! Sometimes, it works. I come from a family full of joined-at-the-hip couples, who are going strong many many years later. Checking in once a day is just regular for the likes of us. Not weird, not sick, not evidence of abandonment issues.

Just a shout out in this hyper-therapized environment: Sometimes love does save the day. It's happened to me, and I've seen it too.
posted by thinkpiece at 1:42 PM on May 28, 2013 [2 favorites]


Oh, absolutely, I agree that coupledom is an essential place to learn new skills; for example, I only learned how to have healthy, productive conflict within my current (8 years and counting) relationship and specifically through my partner -- it was something I could talk about abstractly in therapy, but I couldn't learn how to actually do it in any meaningful way without my partner's totally different approach to how to negotiate disagreement.

That said, it was only through therapy that I was able A) to break out of the pattern of replicating my old patterns within relationships in the first place, and B) learn that I was in fact capable of unlearning old (unhealthy) coping mechanisms and developing new (healthy) mechanisms.

In other words, when my partner started calling me out on my crappy passive-aggressive fear-of-conflict style of fighting at about the 6-month mark, I was ready to change and had the tools at my disposal to do so. That wouldn't have been the case without therapy. In other words, therapy effectively paved the way for love to save the day.

Checking in once a day is just regular for the likes of us. Not weird, not sick, not evidence of abandonment issues.

No one said she had abandonment issues (or called her "weird" or "sick"!) because of a need of checking in once a day. The OP herself specifically raised the issue of abandonment due to trauma in her upbringing, and mentions being in therapy.
posted by scody at 2:34 PM on May 28, 2013 [2 favorites]


I've been smothered and I've been a smotherer ("I've looked at smothering from both sides now...."), and this is waaaaaaaay too much to expect one human being to constantly be doing to placate you while they are out of town and, y'know, busy doing stuff while out of town. Yes, he's got a way lower need for contact (or specifically, in the ways that you do) than you do and that's kind of a problem, but I honestly think you are asking for more than one human male is going to be able to provide to fix your childhood abandonment issues. Even if you break up with this dude over this incompatibility, you're always going to have this problem with every dude if you don't start seriously working on it in therapy and modifying your expectations.

A lot of dudes go quiet as a way of dumping a woman, but you know overall that this is how he acts--can't you perhaps try trusting that giving him enough space to do his shit won't mean that he's dumping you after 24 hours? He needs to step up his game, but you really need to lower your requirements for constant relationship contact too. You need to negotiate a middle ground--and even though it won't make you 100% reassured and secure and happy, you'll need to learn to let it go and be happy with what you get/go to therapy to modify yourself. Because while yeah, I think it's a little sad to not have that much contact in distance, it'll be sadder if he breaks up with you because he feels like he can never do enough to make you happy.

I hate to be this harsh, but like I said, I've looked at this from both sides and I'd rather you not end up doing the kind of shit I did to drive people away back in the day--and I'd rather you not do the behavior that makes ME want to run away too.
posted by jenfullmoon at 10:47 PM on May 28, 2013 [2 favorites]


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