I may have jumped the gun a bit
May 9, 2013 4:57 PM Subscribe
I may have jumped the gun a bit in promising a friend that they could attend a writing workshop group we are starting. How should I navigate the resulting trickiness without marring any relationships?
Help me out of my latest human relations debacle.
In my excitement at finally finding a writing workshop group, I extended an invitation to a friend of mine who I know is interested in writing. I was not aware at the time that this friend has never participated in a workshop before. She also doesn't seem very familiar with how such a group functions. And I've never read her writing. I also didn't consider that I ought to run this past the group first before inviting new people. I screwed up, and I feel bad – don't admonish me any more than I already have myself.
To explain the "seriousness" concerns: we all want to keep the group limited to people who have our level of experience. I don't know if I feel comfortable bringing someone into the group who has no experience workshopping at all, and if one of the other members were to invite a friend with a similar background, I would probably question whether they should be "allowed" to attend. I want the group to maintain a certain level of seriousness and commitment, both to the group and to writing. This is a little beyond a hobby for us.
We've had problems in the past with members who don't show up to meetings or don't read manuscripts, who clearly don't take the group as a serious commitment as opposed to a fun hobby to do if you have time. I feel like I screwed up by inviting this friend without explaining the commitment, even though I had the best of intentions. This is the sort of thing that we want to keep going for months and years, to help us meet our writing goals, and I fear that my friend doesn't understand the commitment required, or that she doesn't have the same goals as the rest of the group.
Then again, maybe I'm being overly cautious. I'd love for her to join our group, if she could get up to speed and be a contributing workshop member. It's entirely possible that she'll show up, figure it out quickly, and everything will work out fine. But I fear I'll have to "sell" this to the rest of the group. I consulted the other members of the group, and they don't seem too receptive of my friend joining us. I clearly jumped the gun quite a bit.
So now I feel like I'm in a bit of a pickle. On the one hand, I want the group to be focused and serious, but on the other hand, I don't want to reneg on my invitation. And if I do need to back out on the invitation, I want to do so in a way that doesn't damage my relationship with either party.
Would it be totally crazy to write this friend a long email with an explanation of what the group is looking for in members, and explaining the commitment required? Put the ball in her court, so to speak? Or will that just come across as an elaborate way of backing out on the invitation?
Help me out of my latest human relations debacle.
In my excitement at finally finding a writing workshop group, I extended an invitation to a friend of mine who I know is interested in writing. I was not aware at the time that this friend has never participated in a workshop before. She also doesn't seem very familiar with how such a group functions. And I've never read her writing. I also didn't consider that I ought to run this past the group first before inviting new people. I screwed up, and I feel bad – don't admonish me any more than I already have myself.
To explain the "seriousness" concerns: we all want to keep the group limited to people who have our level of experience. I don't know if I feel comfortable bringing someone into the group who has no experience workshopping at all, and if one of the other members were to invite a friend with a similar background, I would probably question whether they should be "allowed" to attend. I want the group to maintain a certain level of seriousness and commitment, both to the group and to writing. This is a little beyond a hobby for us.
We've had problems in the past with members who don't show up to meetings or don't read manuscripts, who clearly don't take the group as a serious commitment as opposed to a fun hobby to do if you have time. I feel like I screwed up by inviting this friend without explaining the commitment, even though I had the best of intentions. This is the sort of thing that we want to keep going for months and years, to help us meet our writing goals, and I fear that my friend doesn't understand the commitment required, or that she doesn't have the same goals as the rest of the group.
Then again, maybe I'm being overly cautious. I'd love for her to join our group, if she could get up to speed and be a contributing workshop member. It's entirely possible that she'll show up, figure it out quickly, and everything will work out fine. But I fear I'll have to "sell" this to the rest of the group. I consulted the other members of the group, and they don't seem too receptive of my friend joining us. I clearly jumped the gun quite a bit.
So now I feel like I'm in a bit of a pickle. On the one hand, I want the group to be focused and serious, but on the other hand, I don't want to reneg on my invitation. And if I do need to back out on the invitation, I want to do so in a way that doesn't damage my relationship with either party.
Would it be totally crazy to write this friend a long email with an explanation of what the group is looking for in members, and explaining the commitment required? Put the ball in her court, so to speak? Or will that just come across as an elaborate way of backing out on the invitation?
Best answer: I think you have an easy out here. I mean, you say that you ran it by the other members of the group and they weren't really sold on the idea...well, how do new people join the group?
Seems like you could say something like, "hey, I think I may have jumped the gun a bit on inviting you to join the workshop. I'd love for you to join, but the group has a vetting process for new members."
And at that point you can tell her all the things that are required, and maybe also ask her to submit a few samples for the group to review, and then if she's down with that, then it'll probably be hunky dory, right?
Remember, this isn't about you or how you feel about your friend or any personal concerns at all. This is about the group and you're just one guy, you really can't speak for the group. It's out of your hands. Obviously.
posted by phunniemee at 5:05 PM on May 9, 2013 [14 favorites]
Seems like you could say something like, "hey, I think I may have jumped the gun a bit on inviting you to join the workshop. I'd love for you to join, but the group has a vetting process for new members."
And at that point you can tell her all the things that are required, and maybe also ask her to submit a few samples for the group to review, and then if she's down with that, then it'll probably be hunky dory, right?
Remember, this isn't about you or how you feel about your friend or any personal concerns at all. This is about the group and you're just one guy, you really can't speak for the group. It's out of your hands. Obviously.
posted by phunniemee at 5:05 PM on May 9, 2013 [14 favorites]
Would it be totally crazy to write this friend a long email with an explanation of what the group is looking for in members, and explaining the commitment required? Put the ball in her court, so to speak? Or will that just come across as an elaborate way of backing out on the invitation?
I honestly think you just have to tell her that you were mistaken about the composition of the group and that it's actually intended for writers with X number of years' experience in workshops and that it isn't a good place for a beginner to get their feet wet, and as such the membership as a whole doesn't feel comfortable extending her an invitation and you are extremely extremely extremely sorry about this and you feel terrible and it is your fault (basically: grovel) but this is the way it is.
It's not fair to put her in the position of either reading between the lines and bowing out or joining the group and not being successful or even liked by her fellow group members.
posted by Snarl Furillo at 5:23 PM on May 9, 2013 [1 favorite]
I honestly think you just have to tell her that you were mistaken about the composition of the group and that it's actually intended for writers with X number of years' experience in workshops and that it isn't a good place for a beginner to get their feet wet, and as such the membership as a whole doesn't feel comfortable extending her an invitation and you are extremely extremely extremely sorry about this and you feel terrible and it is your fault (basically: grovel) but this is the way it is.
It's not fair to put her in the position of either reading between the lines and bowing out or joining the group and not being successful or even liked by her fellow group members.
posted by Snarl Furillo at 5:23 PM on May 9, 2013 [1 favorite]
I don't think it's unfair to put the ball in her court, as you've described. And it will be helpful for your group as a whole to have spelled-out, strict guidelines and expectations for yourselves, and for any new members that may come along. That is, assuming your workshop is open to new members at all. Perhaps it's not, and you just didn't know that. Then it's "Sorry friend, let's talk about our writing in a different setting."
This is about your fear that your friend can't perform up to standards, right? Let her know the standards and decide for herself if she can't. But as of right now, it is an unknown if she's an appropriate addition to the group. She may very well be! You're just guessing and projecting the worst case scenario.
If your group is open to new people in theory, lay out the standards and test her. You can even have a probation period for all involved to get a feel for the dynamics.
posted by Cold Lurkey at 5:35 PM on May 9, 2013
This is about your fear that your friend can't perform up to standards, right? Let her know the standards and decide for herself if she can't. But as of right now, it is an unknown if she's an appropriate addition to the group. She may very well be! You're just guessing and projecting the worst case scenario.
If your group is open to new people in theory, lay out the standards and test her. You can even have a probation period for all involved to get a feel for the dynamics.
posted by Cold Lurkey at 5:35 PM on May 9, 2013
"Friend, I'm embarrassed to say that I jumped the gun on inviting you to the writing group. Turns out they have a whole process for accepting new members and right now they are only accepting members who already have experience with workshopping. Sorry about that! But let's do [another writing thing] together."
optional second paragraph, ONLY if this isn't setting her up for a big disappointment:
"They are looking for people who are willing to commit to [commitments] and who have [level of experience]. If you are still interested in joining I can put you in touch with [person-in-charge]."
posted by bunderful at 5:54 PM on May 9, 2013 [1 favorite]
optional second paragraph, ONLY if this isn't setting her up for a big disappointment:
"They are looking for people who are willing to commit to [commitments] and who have [level of experience]. If you are still interested in joining I can put you in touch with [person-in-charge]."
posted by bunderful at 5:54 PM on May 9, 2013 [1 favorite]
Response by poster:
I like phunniemee's suggestion. Even though this is basically my fault, I could easily blame any resulting hurt onto the machinations of The Group. And then follow it up with an offer to meet outside The Group to discuss her writing, to smooth over any hurt feelings. Does that seem fair?
posted by deathpanels at 6:12 PM on May 9, 2013
Your group as a whole needs guidelines or a protocol. Every new group member needs to read and understand the group guidelines and commitments in order to join the group.I agree. The problem is that this is a sort of splinter group formed from the ashes of a previous group, and we haven't had time to meet yet and discuss the rules and how new members are brought into the fold. In any case, yes, there should be some kind of official "rules" to avoid confusion.
I like phunniemee's suggestion. Even though this is basically my fault, I could easily blame any resulting hurt onto the machinations of The Group. And then follow it up with an offer to meet outside The Group to discuss her writing, to smooth over any hurt feelings. Does that seem fair?
posted by deathpanels at 6:12 PM on May 9, 2013
Just be honest. You jumped the gun and invited her to join the group before getting the group's consent. They don't want the group to be a first-timers group. It's nothing personal, anymore than prerequisites for educational courses are.
posted by gjc at 7:27 PM on May 9, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by gjc at 7:27 PM on May 9, 2013 [1 favorite]
I'm going with the honesty theories. I was in a couple of writing groups that suffered because rules lacked or else weren't honored. Explain to her what you explained to us.
I didn't get a sense, in your narrative, of your estimation of her writing. You can candidly explain to her that, since she's not participated in such a group before, she might not be a good fit--but it's only fair to explain why. You can have a dialogue with her about her writing, and maybe even take a look at some of her work. This is where you tell her that you'll put it to the group, and let her know how it works. A serious first-timer in a group of experienced writers doesn't have to have a negative effect. On the other hand, critique can be bloody even among kind readers, so a person new to the experience--if she's looking only for pats on the head--may be in for a rude experience.
Short version: Don't blame the group for something they haven't done. Yet.
posted by mule98J at 8:27 PM on May 9, 2013
I didn't get a sense, in your narrative, of your estimation of her writing. You can candidly explain to her that, since she's not participated in such a group before, she might not be a good fit--but it's only fair to explain why. You can have a dialogue with her about her writing, and maybe even take a look at some of her work. This is where you tell her that you'll put it to the group, and let her know how it works. A serious first-timer in a group of experienced writers doesn't have to have a negative effect. On the other hand, critique can be bloody even among kind readers, so a person new to the experience--if she's looking only for pats on the head--may be in for a rude experience.
Short version: Don't blame the group for something they haven't done. Yet.
posted by mule98J at 8:27 PM on May 9, 2013
"Hey, buddy, so I kinda fucked up...I mentioned to the rest of the group that I'd invited you, and they all reminded me that there's an admissions process. I'm sorry I forgot that part - I was just so excited at the idea that yay I was in a group and yay you wanted to be in a group and...yeah, so I was dumb. But - here's the admissions process if you wanna try, sorry I forgot that part. You want me to bring them your application?"
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 6:01 AM on May 10, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 6:01 AM on May 10, 2013 [1 favorite]
The other thing is, your group (especially if it's "a sort of splinter group formed from the ashes of a previous group") probably will not serve as a great introduction for your friend, who may feel more comfortable among other beginners, doing beginning exercises. And, it's not about 'blaming the group'; the reason you all left the other group is you had a different shared purpose. I think the fair thing to do is respect that purpose and the consensus. It's not personal, no. Just offer the explanations above and maybe add "I'm sorry, I just got so excited about the idea of you writing!".
posted by nelljie at 6:56 AM on May 10, 2013
posted by nelljie at 6:56 AM on May 10, 2013
This thread is closed to new comments.
If everyone in this group is being serious, and she can't agree to the group commitments, then it's on her. The same goes for anyone that other group members want to bring in.
posted by Crystalinne at 5:03 PM on May 9, 2013 [1 favorite]