How to bail on plans made with a new acquaintance who has my real number?

March 2, 2012 9:57 PM

So I got picked up while visiting a friend in a different city, and I made myself seem available but I have a boyfriend and have a lot of other things on my plate. How do I get out of following up?

I was eating dinner by myself at a cafe where people often take things to go and I got into a conversation with someone who was doing just that. We talked for a while and his food came out. I got picked up and switched numbers/email with a vague promise of emailing each other and seeing each other again since I have friends who live there as well.

After I finished my dinner and started walking home, I checked my phone and got a few text messages about hanging out again a specific point in the future, soon. And in a fit of social anxiety I said I was too busy the rest of the month and then contradicted myself and agreed to meet again the next weekend. I actually am insanely busy with schoolwork and then the weeks after that I'm going to visit my boyfriend for Spring Break then he's coming to visit me.

I was too flirtatious and made myself seem more available than I really am. Now this person knows my real name and school email (why did I do this?). But I'm not keen on starting a new relation since I have a lot on my plate and easily frazzled by the ebbs and flows of normal life.

How can I reasonably let this person down and cut off most relations and especially bail on the plans that I made?

posted by maykasahara to human relations (15 answers total)

Tell the truth?
posted by anildash at 10:00 PM on March 2, 2012 [8 favorites]

Tell him you have a boyfriend.

Also, you might want to anonymize this question.
posted by empath at 10:02 PM on March 2, 2012 [1 favorite]

What most people would do: say that something came up and they can't make the plans, then decline the next offer of plans, then never respond to any text messages/ emails again.

I'm not saying that's the kindest way to do it, but it's the most common. He would figure it out pretty quickly.
posted by insectosaurus at 10:04 PM on March 2, 2012 [2 favorites]

It's not a good sign that you feel like you can't say no. Also, he somehow talked you into seeing him when you originally turned him down? He texted you right away? You're afraid that he knows too much? All this leads me to ask, are you getting the feeling that this guy is kinda scary or pushy?

Regardless, you have to learn to say no. It's crucial. That way, you can point back to clear evidence that you did if he keeps it up.
posted by stockpuppet at 10:08 PM on March 2, 2012 [2 favorites]

Can you block calls & texts from his number?
posted by AMSBoethius at 10:10 PM on March 2, 2012

He's not in love with you and won't be broken hearted. Say you're no longer available and then ignore him.
posted by desjardins at 10:11 PM on March 2, 2012 [5 favorites]

Let him know that you've realized you may have given the impression that you were available because you were enjoying talking to him, but you do have a (long distance?) boyfriend. If he's okay with platonic friendship you'd enjoy hanging out, but you wanted to clear the air first. Etc.

Flirting is fun, being flirted with is always an ego boost, it doesn't mean that you were trying to cheat on your boyfriend or anything... it just means that you got caught up for a moment. Be straightforward from now on and everything should work out with a minimum of drama.
posted by myShanon at 10:21 PM on March 2, 2012 [10 favorites]

And in a fit of social anxiety I said I was too busy the rest of the month and then contradicted myself and agreed to meet again the next weekend. I actually am insanely busy with schoolwork and then the weeks after that I'm going to visit my boyfriend for Spring Break then he's coming to visit me.

I was too flirtatious and made myself seem more available than I really am. Now this person knows my real name and school email (why did I do this?). But I'm not keen on starting a new relation since I have a lot on my plate and easily frazzled by the ebbs and flows of normal life.

How can I reasonably let this person down and cut off most relations and especially bail on the plans that I made?

I think you're making kind of a lot of a very, very limited interaction. If you hadn't replied, he wouldn't have even known that it was your real number. Even now, what's the risk in blowing off a near-stranger? Just tell him that you don't know what you were thinking but you're really not free OR single, apologize, and that's it. He's going to think you odd, but eh, he'll forget about it in a week or so, don't sweat it.
posted by desuetude at 11:26 PM on March 2, 2012 [1 favorite]

You should tell him about your boyfriend. At the worst, he'll get an ego boost from getting your number etc., even if he's disappointed.

You seem rather blase about your current relationship. I think it wouldn't hurt thinking about if you a still feeling it despite the long distance.
posted by DoubleLune at 12:41 AM on March 3, 2012

*are still feeling it
posted by DoubleLune at 12:42 AM on March 3, 2012

Yeah, just come clean with him and offer to hang out as friends, but that's it.

(Also -- when you said "I got picked up" I thought you meant you slept with the guy, so you just exchanging phone numbers was kind of a relief!)
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 4:20 AM on March 3, 2012 [1 favorite]

Not only should you let your "date" know that you are not interested, you should also let your boyfriend know what happened. By the description of your actions, it sounds like you are not really interested in your current relationship anymore. Unless you are in an open relationship and your boyfriend is aware of it it is not fair to him to be making plans for prospective dates. This seems like a really good opportunity to sit down and think about what you want from your current relationship and if you really want to still be in it.
posted by shesaysgo at 6:56 AM on March 3, 2012 [1 favorite]

And if you're going to do this again, which is sounds like you might, please sign up for an email address without your name and school in it, and give that one out instead.
posted by Scram at 7:51 AM on March 3, 2012 [1 favorite]

Just tell the truth. You're making a big deal out of mostly nothing - at least as far as the new guy is concerned - he's a stranger, he'll get over you. But you might want to consider why you're letting yourself get "picked up" in the first place.
posted by sm1tten at 8:27 AM on March 3, 2012

Doesn't make sense:

"Picked up?"
"Switched numbers?"
"Gave your school email id to stranger?"

The phrasing + the school id gives me the impression that you are not culturally aware of the American dating scene, and therefore, not sure how to deal with a very easy thing to solve.

As for flirting at a cafe while eating dinner alone, boyfriend far away, you being a student in a long-distance relationship, came across as "too available," made 2nd plans to meet ... no explanation needed.

And, you want to cut off "most relations" with him, as in, a backup?
posted by Kruger5 at 8:48 AM on March 3, 2012