My girlfriend is very upset with me and might break up with me.
April 14, 2013 8:04 AM Subscribe
I need a little bit of advice, I'm back again, this time in a different situation, as my girlfriend has become very upset with me and might break up with me. I don't know how to handle it, and I'm scared I'm going to lose her.
I'm going to keep this short, over the last week my girlfriend has become increasingly upset with me and I'm scared that she's going to break up with me. Last weekend she thought I was lying to her about something, and even though I told her the truth it took me awhile to do it, so she felt I was being dishonest. Fast forward to last night, and she was upset with me again and she felt like I was ignoring her in front of all my friends to look "cool". I told her that wasn't it at all, I just wasn't talking because I was so upset from the event of earlier in the week. I tried to explain to her, but she got so mad at me and when I was driving her home she said she didn't know if she could do this anymore. She felt she was being treated properly and that was the same as every other guy, meaning that I would treat her like crap . I've tried to reassure her and tell her I would never do that and it's not something I would do on purpose ever. I know it happened but I make mistakes I'm not perfect.
This is really our first fight, we've been going out for 4 months and everything up until last weekend was perfect. In all she feels very, very upset that I haven't been treating her the way she wants to be treated and that she doesn't deserve that kind of stuff. I don't know what to do, I've tried talking but I don't know what to say or what to do, and I'm very scared of making things worse. I didn't text her before bed last night, but she texted me last night and was really upset that I didn't text her, and she thought I didn't care about her at all. I wanted to text her, I just didn't know what to say .
Can anyone help at all? I'm very lost and so scared that she'll break up with me, and I don't know what I'd do if I ever lose her. I know it's a little early but I know she's the one I want to spend my life with
I'm going to keep this short, over the last week my girlfriend has become increasingly upset with me and I'm scared that she's going to break up with me. Last weekend she thought I was lying to her about something, and even though I told her the truth it took me awhile to do it, so she felt I was being dishonest. Fast forward to last night, and she was upset with me again and she felt like I was ignoring her in front of all my friends to look "cool". I told her that wasn't it at all, I just wasn't talking because I was so upset from the event of earlier in the week. I tried to explain to her, but she got so mad at me and when I was driving her home she said she didn't know if she could do this anymore. She felt she was being treated properly and that was the same as every other guy, meaning that I would treat her like crap . I've tried to reassure her and tell her I would never do that and it's not something I would do on purpose ever. I know it happened but I make mistakes I'm not perfect.
This is really our first fight, we've been going out for 4 months and everything up until last weekend was perfect. In all she feels very, very upset that I haven't been treating her the way she wants to be treated and that she doesn't deserve that kind of stuff. I don't know what to do, I've tried talking but I don't know what to say or what to do, and I'm very scared of making things worse. I didn't text her before bed last night, but she texted me last night and was really upset that I didn't text her, and she thought I didn't care about her at all. I wanted to text her, I just didn't know what to say .
Can anyone help at all? I'm very lost and so scared that she'll break up with me, and I don't know what I'd do if I ever lose her. I know it's a little early but I know she's the one I want to spend my life with
Yeah, it does seem like it might be a little early.
What's this event earlier in the week/thing that you took a while to tell her the truth about?
posted by box at 8:09 AM on April 14, 2013 [1 favorite]
What's this event earlier in the week/thing that you took a while to tell her the truth about?
posted by box at 8:09 AM on April 14, 2013 [1 favorite]
Is this the same girlfriend who was getting upset and threatening to break up with you when you were feeling anxious about sex and had trouble keeping an erection?
If she is the same girlfriend, then I'd say that she seems to have a penchant for drama. She seems to be looking for reasons to feel threatened and to believe that you don't really care for her. And unfortunately, if she's determined to find problems in the relationship, she's going to find them, and there's really nothing you can do to stop her from freaking out about every little thing that comes up in her mind. You're both very young, and as both of you get older, it might become easier for her to feel secure in relationships. But for now, all you can do is be honest with her about your feelings and hope that she can trust you enough to feel that security. But I think you need to prepare yourself for the possibility that she's just not ready yet to be in a trusting, open, adult relationship.
posted by decathecting at 8:11 AM on April 14, 2013 [24 favorites]
If she is the same girlfriend, then I'd say that she seems to have a penchant for drama. She seems to be looking for reasons to feel threatened and to believe that you don't really care for her. And unfortunately, if she's determined to find problems in the relationship, she's going to find them, and there's really nothing you can do to stop her from freaking out about every little thing that comes up in her mind. You're both very young, and as both of you get older, it might become easier for her to feel secure in relationships. But for now, all you can do is be honest with her about your feelings and hope that she can trust you enough to feel that security. But I think you need to prepare yourself for the possibility that she's just not ready yet to be in a trusting, open, adult relationship.
posted by decathecting at 8:11 AM on April 14, 2013 [24 favorites]
Fast forward to last night, and she was upset with me again and she felt like I was ignoring her in front of all my friends to look "cool". I told her that wasn't it at all, I just wasn't talking because I was so upset from the event of earlier in the week.
You were ignoring her at a party because she did something to piss you off days earlier?
It sounds to me like you are acting kind of manipulative. Not necessarily for any evil reason-- more like you are very anxious and trying to control things. The thing about taking a while to tell the truth-- that's so common there's a name for it, "trickle truth" and it drives people crazy and yes it does make them feel like you are being dishonest. If you want to save this relationship try having a talk where you are completely forthright and you are not trying to spin things to make it come out the way you want. She may well break up with you-- you can't control that-- but at least if she does, you will have expressed where you really are.
posted by BibiRose at 8:13 AM on April 14, 2013 [16 favorites]
You were ignoring her at a party because she did something to piss you off days earlier?
It sounds to me like you are acting kind of manipulative. Not necessarily for any evil reason-- more like you are very anxious and trying to control things. The thing about taking a while to tell the truth-- that's so common there's a name for it, "trickle truth" and it drives people crazy and yes it does make them feel like you are being dishonest. If you want to save this relationship try having a talk where you are completely forthright and you are not trying to spin things to make it come out the way you want. She may well break up with you-- you can't control that-- but at least if she does, you will have expressed where you really are.
posted by BibiRose at 8:13 AM on April 14, 2013 [16 favorites]
Ask her to spell out EXACTLY how she wants to be treated. Take that list and see if you can live with it. Either live with it or break up with her.
I don't know much about drama, but this seems to me like a text book case. Why wouldn't you talk to her last night? Why is her method of communicating her displeasure with the way you treat her to threaten to break up with you?
posted by JohnnyGunn at 8:17 AM on April 14, 2013 [2 favorites]
I don't know much about drama, but this seems to me like a text book case. Why wouldn't you talk to her last night? Why is her method of communicating her displeasure with the way you treat her to threaten to break up with you?
posted by JohnnyGunn at 8:17 AM on April 14, 2013 [2 favorites]
even though I told her the truth it took me awhile to do it, so she felt I was being dishonest
You know why in court they say "truth, whole truth and nothing but the truth"? Its because being truthful isn't confined to just the avoidance of outright lying. If you leave out key elements of the truth in order to mislead someone then you are being dishonest. So also goes to BibiRose's point that you are manipulative.
posted by biffa at 8:20 AM on April 14, 2013 [8 favorites]
You know why in court they say "truth, whole truth and nothing but the truth"? Its because being truthful isn't confined to just the avoidance of outright lying. If you leave out key elements of the truth in order to mislead someone then you are being dishonest. So also goes to BibiRose's point that you are manipulative.
posted by biffa at 8:20 AM on April 14, 2013 [8 favorites]
It sounds like your fear of losing her is causing you to act in the ways that might make you lose her.
None of us can predict what your gf might do, but it sounds like one of the big things she is wanting from you is honest and open communication, and your fears are holding you back from providing that.
For now, if she is texting you and you don't know what to say to her about your own feelings, you can let her know that you are listening to hers. And you can let her know that you are confused and upset and not sure what to say.
Try writing about what's going on in a journal or talking to a friend to help sort out your feelings enough that you can talk about them.
Try to know that YOU WILL BE OKAY if this relationship ends. Your current level of attachment seems to be less about her and how great the relationship is, and more about something else.
posted by bunderful at 8:22 AM on April 14, 2013 [3 favorites]
None of us can predict what your gf might do, but it sounds like one of the big things she is wanting from you is honest and open communication, and your fears are holding you back from providing that.
For now, if she is texting you and you don't know what to say to her about your own feelings, you can let her know that you are listening to hers. And you can let her know that you are confused and upset and not sure what to say.
Try writing about what's going on in a journal or talking to a friend to help sort out your feelings enough that you can talk about them.
Try to know that YOU WILL BE OKAY if this relationship ends. Your current level of attachment seems to be less about her and how great the relationship is, and more about something else.
posted by bunderful at 8:22 AM on April 14, 2013 [3 favorites]
First of all don't be scared. If you guys are really going to be together for a long time, then it will get easier to be together the longer you're together. Breaking up isn't sometime to be afraid of--if it happens, you'll both be fine in a few months and you'll definitely be happier than you are right now! So try to approach every problem in your relationship like "How is this going to make me happier individually, and the two of us happier as a couple?" A four month relationship is still very much new, and you are young and can find lots and lots of girlfriends your whole life and so on and so forth.
Anyway, it sounds like when your girlfriend is upset with you, you think you can explain why you acted the way you did, and she will immediately forgive you. That's not how people work. Maybe she SHOULD see why she shouldn't be upset, but that doesn't mean it will make her not upset. When she is upset with you--ask her questions about what you could have done differently, and apologize for upsetting her, even if it was based on a misunderstanding. Listen to her--your actions made her feel bad, even if you didn't mean to do it.
On the other hand, if you find that she is often making you feel guilty for stuff you think of as accidents, to the point where you constantly have to watch your tongue around her, and live in fear of pissing her off--she might just be acting like an irrational, argumentative jerk. It doesn't have to be her fault even, maybe the two of you are just incompatible. But if you're going through these crises of trying to please her every week, or every day, at some point you have to seriously consider standing up for yourself and leaving her.
posted by Potomac Avenue at 8:33 AM on April 14, 2013 [2 favorites]
Anyway, it sounds like when your girlfriend is upset with you, you think you can explain why you acted the way you did, and she will immediately forgive you. That's not how people work. Maybe she SHOULD see why she shouldn't be upset, but that doesn't mean it will make her not upset. When she is upset with you--ask her questions about what you could have done differently, and apologize for upsetting her, even if it was based on a misunderstanding. Listen to her--your actions made her feel bad, even if you didn't mean to do it.
On the other hand, if you find that she is often making you feel guilty for stuff you think of as accidents, to the point where you constantly have to watch your tongue around her, and live in fear of pissing her off--she might just be acting like an irrational, argumentative jerk. It doesn't have to be her fault even, maybe the two of you are just incompatible. But if you're going through these crises of trying to please her every week, or every day, at some point you have to seriously consider standing up for yourself and leaving her.
posted by Potomac Avenue at 8:33 AM on April 14, 2013 [2 favorites]
I don't think she's being dramatic. She's trying to tell you how she feels when she's with you, and she isn't happy in this relationship with you.
She's obviously not happy with the dynamic you two have. Why do you want to stay with her when you know you don't make her happy?
posted by discopolo at 8:33 AM on April 14, 2013 [4 favorites]
She's obviously not happy with the dynamic you two have. Why do you want to stay with her when you know you don't make her happy?
posted by discopolo at 8:33 AM on April 14, 2013 [4 favorites]
Last weekend she thought I was lying to her about something, and even though I told her the truth it took me awhile to do it, so she felt I was being dishonest.
Could you please expand on this a little? Specifically: What did she think you were lying about, and why did it take you a while to tell her the truth?
posted by FAMOUS MONSTER at 8:43 AM on April 14, 2013 [5 favorites]
Could you please expand on this a little? Specifically: What did she think you were lying about, and why did it take you a while to tell her the truth?
posted by FAMOUS MONSTER at 8:43 AM on April 14, 2013 [5 favorites]
Stop trying to control her reaction. Start telling her the truth about how you feel. If you're upset about your previous fight, tell her, but don't bottle it up and then ignore her when you're out with a group in public.
That's embarrassing and she could read it is an attempt to punish her (for, I might add, rightly getting upset with you for being less than forthright with her). I don't know that you were trying to punish her. But if you weren't, i think the problem is your inability to communicate honestly.
posted by J. Wilson at 9:01 AM on April 14, 2013 [5 favorites]
That's embarrassing and she could read it is an attempt to punish her (for, I might add, rightly getting upset with you for being less than forthright with her). I don't know that you were trying to punish her. But if you weren't, i think the problem is your inability to communicate honestly.
posted by J. Wilson at 9:01 AM on April 14, 2013 [5 favorites]
If I had never read your previous questions, I'd say:
You need to actually talk to your girlfriend. Even telling her that you want to talk to her, and that you are listening to her, but you aren't sure what to say, is better than just saying nothing. You might not intend to treat her in a way that she perceives as negative, but that's cold comfort and no excuse if you actually know and agree with her expectations. But that last part is not clear from your question.
Also, it sounds like you were dishonest with her. Be upfront about that, at least with yourself.
But... to sort of drag your other questions into this one, this relationship does not seem satisfactory for her, and it seems like an unending source of anxiety for you. It's not really a new situation at all -- you seem to be on high alert/concern that she's going to dump you for some reason, and she's said multiple times that she's unsure about the relationship for those reasons. This sounds like, to me, a painfully slow breakup, not an opportunity to fix things.
posted by sm1tten at 9:07 AM on April 14, 2013 [5 favorites]
You need to actually talk to your girlfriend. Even telling her that you want to talk to her, and that you are listening to her, but you aren't sure what to say, is better than just saying nothing. You might not intend to treat her in a way that she perceives as negative, but that's cold comfort and no excuse if you actually know and agree with her expectations. But that last part is not clear from your question.
Also, it sounds like you were dishonest with her. Be upfront about that, at least with yourself.
But... to sort of drag your other questions into this one, this relationship does not seem satisfactory for her, and it seems like an unending source of anxiety for you. It's not really a new situation at all -- you seem to be on high alert/concern that she's going to dump you for some reason, and she's said multiple times that she's unsure about the relationship for those reasons. This sounds like, to me, a painfully slow breakup, not an opportunity to fix things.
posted by sm1tten at 9:07 AM on April 14, 2013 [5 favorites]
Goodness, how old are you guys? Sounds like some poor communications multiplied by petulant behaviors and drama.
Here is the thing, IF you guys break up, it'll hurt, but knock off the ''I don't know what I will do'' thinking. You'll hurt then get better that is what you will do, also hopefully learn.
As to the relationship, appoligize, say you are scared and may be acting defensively. Ask her what exactly she wants from you and the relationship. Figure out if it is reasonable.
posted by edgeways at 9:09 AM on April 14, 2013 [6 favorites]
Here is the thing, IF you guys break up, it'll hurt, but knock off the ''I don't know what I will do'' thinking. You'll hurt then get better that is what you will do, also hopefully learn.
As to the relationship, appoligize, say you are scared and may be acting defensively. Ask her what exactly she wants from you and the relationship. Figure out if it is reasonable.
posted by edgeways at 9:09 AM on April 14, 2013 [6 favorites]
First, your partner has a right to be pissed if you're dishonest with them. It's not clear if you got caught in a nasty lie, or took a while to come out admitting something awkward, or got bullied into changing your opinion to what your partner thought it should be, or what.
Since I don't know, I'll just say that actually lying to your partner is certainly grounds for a breakup. If you did it, don't do it any more. This is the only advice I have for you about keeping your current girlfriend. You can take this advice into all future relationships also.
> This is really our first fight, we've been going out for 4 months and everything up until last weekend was perfect.
This is inconsistent with your post from a month ago, where you also closed with the idea that you couldn't bear the idea of losing your girlfriend.
It didn't sound like you were happy then. It doesn't sound like you're happy now. Obsessed, yes. Happy, no.
> Can anyone help at all? I'm very lost and so scared that she'll break up with me, and I don't know what I'd do if I ever lose her. I know it's a little early but I know she's the one I want to spend my life with
This attitude is what you need help with. My read is that you are staying in a relationship that is actually making you unhappy--maybe miserable--because you can't bear the thought of losing it. Maybe I am projecting, since I've done that exact thing myself. (I feel like I'm giving advice to my former self, honestly.)
You've been with this girl for four months. She is not your life partner, not yet. Maybe you guys are good for each other, and maybe not. If not, this relationship should and will end. If it ends, you will survive it, and you can learn from it to make a better match next time. Good luck.
posted by mattu at 9:21 AM on April 14, 2013 [5 favorites]
Since I don't know, I'll just say that actually lying to your partner is certainly grounds for a breakup. If you did it, don't do it any more. This is the only advice I have for you about keeping your current girlfriend. You can take this advice into all future relationships also.
> This is really our first fight, we've been going out for 4 months and everything up until last weekend was perfect.
This is inconsistent with your post from a month ago, where you also closed with the idea that you couldn't bear the idea of losing your girlfriend.
It didn't sound like you were happy then. It doesn't sound like you're happy now. Obsessed, yes. Happy, no.
> Can anyone help at all? I'm very lost and so scared that she'll break up with me, and I don't know what I'd do if I ever lose her. I know it's a little early but I know she's the one I want to spend my life with
This attitude is what you need help with. My read is that you are staying in a relationship that is actually making you unhappy--maybe miserable--because you can't bear the thought of losing it. Maybe I am projecting, since I've done that exact thing myself. (I feel like I'm giving advice to my former self, honestly.)
You've been with this girl for four months. She is not your life partner, not yet. Maybe you guys are good for each other, and maybe not. If not, this relationship should and will end. If it ends, you will survive it, and you can learn from it to make a better match next time. Good luck.
posted by mattu at 9:21 AM on April 14, 2013 [5 favorites]
even though I told her the truth it took me awhile to do it
I just wasn't talking because I was so upset from the event of earlier in the week
I know it happened but I make mistakes I'm not perfect
I didn't text her before bed last night, but she texted me last night and was really upset that I didn't text her, and she thought I didn't care about her at all. I wanted to text her, I just didn't know what to say
It sounds like she has a few expectations that aren't being met in the way of honesty, trust, communication, owning up to any issues, as well as expectations about quality/regularity/reliability of contact.
You lied by omission; your behaviour was manipulative; your apology contained excuses; and you avoided her knowing she likely expected a text? This may be your first fight, but this may be a pattern that's become evident, and when you write In all she feels very, very upset that I haven't been treating her the way she wants to be treated and that she doesn't deserve that kind of stuff, well, she's maybe not being unclear. I can't think of anyone that wants to be treated that way.
You've mentioned your anxieties - you need to manage them better. Please consider getting some therapy. You've mentioned your inexperience. This is how you gain experience.
The anxieties seem to be influencing how you perceive rather typical adult interactions. We are viewing her through your lens, and her being "very, very upset" about your treatment of her may indeed be extreme - or it may be justifiable frustration if she's at a different stage of life, or has more experience in relationships and progress in yours isn't being made.
The problems you describe are normal issues that are worked out in various ways, both subtle and unspoken or clearly stated and hardlined, at the beginning of couplehood: "How much do we share?" "How do we argue/disagree/fight?" "How do we apologize?" "How often do we keep in contact?" and none of these ought to be speed bumps that derail a relationship - they're there to slow things down so you can learn, and build something viable together.
Thinking your way through isn't going to help. You're going to have to talk and listen and act in a way that actively creates a good quality of life together. Knowing she's the one and feeling scared isn't the same as doing what needs to be done and acting in good faith.
posted by peagood at 9:33 AM on April 14, 2013 [10 favorites]
I just wasn't talking because I was so upset from the event of earlier in the week
I know it happened but I make mistakes I'm not perfect
I didn't text her before bed last night, but she texted me last night and was really upset that I didn't text her, and she thought I didn't care about her at all. I wanted to text her, I just didn't know what to say
It sounds like she has a few expectations that aren't being met in the way of honesty, trust, communication, owning up to any issues, as well as expectations about quality/regularity/reliability of contact.
You lied by omission; your behaviour was manipulative; your apology contained excuses; and you avoided her knowing she likely expected a text? This may be your first fight, but this may be a pattern that's become evident, and when you write In all she feels very, very upset that I haven't been treating her the way she wants to be treated and that she doesn't deserve that kind of stuff, well, she's maybe not being unclear. I can't think of anyone that wants to be treated that way.
You've mentioned your anxieties - you need to manage them better. Please consider getting some therapy. You've mentioned your inexperience. This is how you gain experience.
The anxieties seem to be influencing how you perceive rather typical adult interactions. We are viewing her through your lens, and her being "very, very upset" about your treatment of her may indeed be extreme - or it may be justifiable frustration if she's at a different stage of life, or has more experience in relationships and progress in yours isn't being made.
The problems you describe are normal issues that are worked out in various ways, both subtle and unspoken or clearly stated and hardlined, at the beginning of couplehood: "How much do we share?" "How do we argue/disagree/fight?" "How do we apologize?" "How often do we keep in contact?" and none of these ought to be speed bumps that derail a relationship - they're there to slow things down so you can learn, and build something viable together.
Thinking your way through isn't going to help. You're going to have to talk and listen and act in a way that actively creates a good quality of life together. Knowing she's the one and feeling scared isn't the same as doing what needs to be done and acting in good faith.
posted by peagood at 9:33 AM on April 14, 2013 [10 favorites]
"even though I told her the truth it took me awhile to do it, so she felt I was being dishonest."
If it took you a while to tell the truth and you saying anything before you got around to the truth, the stuff that came before the truth wasn't the truth, which means it was dishonest. That's not healthy for a relationship. You should give thought to why it takes you a while to get to the truth. The truth is always the best place to begin.
posted by 2oh1 at 10:13 AM on April 14, 2013 [3 favorites]
If it took you a while to tell the truth and you saying anything before you got around to the truth, the stuff that came before the truth wasn't the truth, which means it was dishonest. That's not healthy for a relationship. You should give thought to why it takes you a while to get to the truth. The truth is always the best place to begin.
posted by 2oh1 at 10:13 AM on April 14, 2013 [3 favorites]
Multiple AskMe questions about the same girlfriend and you're only four months into the relationship is not a great sign about said relationship's future potential.
That said, I agree with others who've pointed out that you seem to be leaving out a larger issue that was the cause of the initial arguments, truth-telling or lack thereof, party ignoring, etc. If you're leaving it out in hopes that we'll take your side, there's not much we can really do for you, now is there?
If you're leaving it out because it didn't occur to you to mention it, or because you can't explain what exactly happened, or because it doesn't seem like a big deal to you (despite claiming that you ignored her at the party because you were still upset about it), you've got a problem. Your girlfriend feels (possibly rightly) that you're treating her like crap. You can't see clearly what that crappy behavior was and how you can do better going forward. Or maybe you do know what it was and how to do better, but you're not really interested in owning up and doing the work to fix this. This is not going to end well, unfortunately.
posted by Sara C. at 10:20 AM on April 14, 2013 [9 favorites]
That said, I agree with others who've pointed out that you seem to be leaving out a larger issue that was the cause of the initial arguments, truth-telling or lack thereof, party ignoring, etc. If you're leaving it out in hopes that we'll take your side, there's not much we can really do for you, now is there?
If you're leaving it out because it didn't occur to you to mention it, or because you can't explain what exactly happened, or because it doesn't seem like a big deal to you (despite claiming that you ignored her at the party because you were still upset about it), you've got a problem. Your girlfriend feels (possibly rightly) that you're treating her like crap. You can't see clearly what that crappy behavior was and how you can do better going forward. Or maybe you do know what it was and how to do better, but you're not really interested in owning up and doing the work to fix this. This is not going to end well, unfortunately.
posted by Sara C. at 10:20 AM on April 14, 2013 [9 favorites]
I feel like there isn't enough information here to be coming to some of the conclusions that are above, and that hell, I myself jumped to at first.
Reading the entire thing and reflecting on it, I think you're doing something that's a lot more understandable than even the people who pointed out you were trying to "manage her reaction" were implying.
Basically, were you afraid to tell "the truth" in this situation for fear of it being some drama bomb or causing her to make a scene/act completely unreasonably/etc? Because that isn't some horrible awful thing to do, or some illegitimate anxiety driven action.
Picking and choosing when to bring things up, mention them at all, or have discussions about certain topics or situations becomes a survival mechanism when you have a drama llama for a partner. And making the assumption that this is the same partner from your previous ask, this person sounds like a fucking drama bomb.
Being pushed in to the position of constantly being on the defense and worrying what you say will trigger the unpredictable reaction of your partner flipping out. It's almost an emotionally abusive dynamic, that reminds me of the tests they did on mice. The ones where one mouse got food every time it pushed a button, and the other mouse only randomly got food. That mouse went insane pushing the button non stop trying to find any sort of pattern or order.
I feel like people were two quick to jump and go "you did x wrong, she did y wrong. You're both wrong!" When your behavior, while not the best response, is a reaction to her behavior and a defensive mechanism therein.
That said,
she felt like I was ignoring her in front of all my friends to look "cool".
This is incredibly shitty and high school. Who the hell actually acts this way? It doesn't imply great maturity that this is the first conclusion she jumped to. How angry she gets a few sentences later doesn't bode well either.
However, your reaction of still being mad about last weekend is drama fuel as well. And I have to ask, were you that frustrated by that specific event? Or by a pattern of behavior. And that, as well comes back to a way I've seen people who at least sound like your partner act. You're frustrated about a pattern or repeating issue, they want to paint it as you being upset about one small thing and blowing it out of proportion, when its really the straw that broke the camels back.
I realize this is a charitable reading of your behavior, but it's plausible to me and I've seen it happen in my own life and that of friends. Especially after reading this:
She felt she was being treated properly and that was the same as every other guy, meaning that I would treat her like crap
This is baiting, start a fight drama fuel bs in the sheeps clothing of "but I'm just expressing my doubts and frustration!". Bringing up past partners in a fight with a current partner is almost always bullshit. Discuss what's frustrating you, how/why, and maybe what you propose the other person could start or stop doing, but leave other people out of it.
You have have to take this as a tree in a Forrest here. You showed us a couple this time, and a couple last time. And on the whole she sounds like an irritating stressful person to be around, who really has some growing up to do.
To be clear, your reactions and responses while understandable aren't the best. She shit the bed, but you smeared it around. I'm saying though, that I think it's plausible that you aren't really the one shitting here.
posted by emptythought at 11:04 AM on April 14, 2013 [1 favorite]
Reading the entire thing and reflecting on it, I think you're doing something that's a lot more understandable than even the people who pointed out you were trying to "manage her reaction" were implying.
Basically, were you afraid to tell "the truth" in this situation for fear of it being some drama bomb or causing her to make a scene/act completely unreasonably/etc? Because that isn't some horrible awful thing to do, or some illegitimate anxiety driven action.
Picking and choosing when to bring things up, mention them at all, or have discussions about certain topics or situations becomes a survival mechanism when you have a drama llama for a partner. And making the assumption that this is the same partner from your previous ask, this person sounds like a fucking drama bomb.
Being pushed in to the position of constantly being on the defense and worrying what you say will trigger the unpredictable reaction of your partner flipping out. It's almost an emotionally abusive dynamic, that reminds me of the tests they did on mice. The ones where one mouse got food every time it pushed a button, and the other mouse only randomly got food. That mouse went insane pushing the button non stop trying to find any sort of pattern or order.
I feel like people were two quick to jump and go "you did x wrong, she did y wrong. You're both wrong!" When your behavior, while not the best response, is a reaction to her behavior and a defensive mechanism therein.
That said,
she felt like I was ignoring her in front of all my friends to look "cool".
This is incredibly shitty and high school. Who the hell actually acts this way? It doesn't imply great maturity that this is the first conclusion she jumped to. How angry she gets a few sentences later doesn't bode well either.
However, your reaction of still being mad about last weekend is drama fuel as well. And I have to ask, were you that frustrated by that specific event? Or by a pattern of behavior. And that, as well comes back to a way I've seen people who at least sound like your partner act. You're frustrated about a pattern or repeating issue, they want to paint it as you being upset about one small thing and blowing it out of proportion, when its really the straw that broke the camels back.
I realize this is a charitable reading of your behavior, but it's plausible to me and I've seen it happen in my own life and that of friends. Especially after reading this:
She felt she was being treated properly and that was the same as every other guy, meaning that I would treat her like crap
This is baiting, start a fight drama fuel bs in the sheeps clothing of "but I'm just expressing my doubts and frustration!". Bringing up past partners in a fight with a current partner is almost always bullshit. Discuss what's frustrating you, how/why, and maybe what you propose the other person could start or stop doing, but leave other people out of it.
You have have to take this as a tree in a Forrest here. You showed us a couple this time, and a couple last time. And on the whole she sounds like an irritating stressful person to be around, who really has some growing up to do.
To be clear, your reactions and responses while understandable aren't the best. She shit the bed, but you smeared it around. I'm saying though, that I think it's plausible that you aren't really the one shitting here.
posted by emptythought at 11:04 AM on April 14, 2013 [1 favorite]
My quick judgement is that your insecuritys and weak points are incompatible with her insecuritys and weak points, and this can cause a lot of feedback cycles. She could be..... ...delicate for the rest of her life, is this tiptoeing around what you really want forever? You can't fix her. You cant change her. You can't be perfect 24/7.
In fact, the reality is, you can lose her for all sorts of reasons, or none at all, no matter what you do or don't do.
(And I kinda worry about her expectations and reactions..... not sure this is a healthy relationship for either of yall, honestly)
posted by Jacen at 11:51 AM on April 14, 2013
In fact, the reality is, you can lose her for all sorts of reasons, or none at all, no matter what you do or don't do.
(And I kinda worry about her expectations and reactions..... not sure this is a healthy relationship for either of yall, honestly)
posted by Jacen at 11:51 AM on April 14, 2013
There are a lot of ellipses in your story that make it hard to tell if you're trying to keep it short, or if you're omitting things to paint a better picture of yourself. The bit about how you told the truth to her eventually doesn't help the impression. That said, you're one of us and we're here to help you, so I don't mention that to pick on you, just to suggest there are parts of this you may be glossing over, even to yourself.
Like Sara C. said: multiple AskMes this early on does not bode well. This early on is supposed to be the fun part. You're supposed to be laughing, talking, and making out all the time at this point, not riddling each other with anxiety. I don't have to know you to know you deserve better.
posted by DirtyOldTown at 11:57 AM on April 14, 2013
Like Sara C. said: multiple AskMes this early on does not bode well. This early on is supposed to be the fun part. You're supposed to be laughing, talking, and making out all the time at this point, not riddling each other with anxiety. I don't have to know you to know you deserve better.
posted by DirtyOldTown at 11:57 AM on April 14, 2013
We've been going out for 4 months and everything up until last weekend was perfect.
Um... no, it hasn't been perfect.
she feels very, very upset that I haven't been treating her the way she wants to be treated and that she doesn't deserve that kind of stuff.
That implies a general sense, not just "Why did you do this just once?" Not perfect.
I just wasn't talking because I was so upset from the event of earlier in the week.
Not perfect. Not a perfect setup; not a perfect reaction.
Previous post:
The first time it happened my girlfriend was very upset, as was I, but we were able to work through it. However this time she's become even more upset because it happened again, and now is starting to question whether or not we can be together, because she feels sex is a very strong and bonding connector.
Not perfect.
I know that you're saying "things were perfect" because on the whole you've enjoyed your time with her. How do I know this? I've been there, too. I had a perfect" marriage, too. It was pretty much the best roommate situation ever (NOT a marriage), until that sucked too. After that, it was kind of awful.
You have feelings and needs and things that make you nervous. Avoiding them, even for part of the time, even to people on the internet, will only make them worse. You need to be honest with yourself and accept things, good or bad... and then you can make some progress in actually making them change.
posted by Madamina at 2:18 PM on April 14, 2013 [2 favorites]
Um... no, it hasn't been perfect.
she feels very, very upset that I haven't been treating her the way she wants to be treated and that she doesn't deserve that kind of stuff.
That implies a general sense, not just "Why did you do this just once?" Not perfect.
I just wasn't talking because I was so upset from the event of earlier in the week.
Not perfect. Not a perfect setup; not a perfect reaction.
Previous post:
The first time it happened my girlfriend was very upset, as was I, but we were able to work through it. However this time she's become even more upset because it happened again, and now is starting to question whether or not we can be together, because she feels sex is a very strong and bonding connector.
Not perfect.
I know that you're saying "things were perfect" because on the whole you've enjoyed your time with her. How do I know this? I've been there, too. I had a perfect" marriage, too. It was pretty much the best roommate situation ever (NOT a marriage), until that sucked too. After that, it was kind of awful.
You have feelings and needs and things that make you nervous. Avoiding them, even for part of the time, even to people on the internet, will only make them worse. You need to be honest with yourself and accept things, good or bad... and then you can make some progress in actually making them change.
posted by Madamina at 2:18 PM on April 14, 2013 [2 favorites]
Peagood said most of what I was going to, so I'll just add one note: In regard to her sense that you aren't treating her well, your response was this:
I've tried to reassure her and tell her I would never do that and it's not something I would do on purpose ever. I know it happened but I make mistakes I'm not perfect.
See that "It's not something I would do on purpose" and that "but I'm not perfect"?
Those are excuses. Those are you defending your own bad behavior. That's how it reads to her. Those are the same words that have come out of every terrible abusive guy's mouth I have dated, and what they essentially mean are "I know I'm screwed up but I'm going to minimize it and say that it's not my fault and that as long as I don't do it on purpose it doesn't count." I am here to tell you: wrong. It does count. If you are actually treating her poorly (and lying/ignoring her are both pretty poor treatment, tbh) then you will get the best results (both in this relationship and in your own personal future regardless) by admitting them without qualification, and taking steps to ensure that they do NOT happen again, whether "on purpose" or not. Period.
posted by celtalitha at 11:35 PM on April 14, 2013 [3 favorites]
I've tried to reassure her and tell her I would never do that and it's not something I would do on purpose ever. I know it happened but I make mistakes I'm not perfect.
See that "It's not something I would do on purpose" and that "but I'm not perfect"?
Those are excuses. Those are you defending your own bad behavior. That's how it reads to her. Those are the same words that have come out of every terrible abusive guy's mouth I have dated, and what they essentially mean are "I know I'm screwed up but I'm going to minimize it and say that it's not my fault and that as long as I don't do it on purpose it doesn't count." I am here to tell you: wrong. It does count. If you are actually treating her poorly (and lying/ignoring her are both pretty poor treatment, tbh) then you will get the best results (both in this relationship and in your own personal future regardless) by admitting them without qualification, and taking steps to ensure that they do NOT happen again, whether "on purpose" or not. Period.
posted by celtalitha at 11:35 PM on April 14, 2013 [3 favorites]
I sadly agree that a lot of what you wrote doesn't make her look like she's being unreasonable. The snippets you've divulged actually point to your being not the best boyfriend ever. Ignoring her communication (texts) and purposefully not talking to her at the party "because you were upset" were both pretty shitty things and not what happens in healthy grown up relationships. Ignoring people is rude at the best of times. You are withholding, and it sounds like you are doing it deliberately, and that is intensely manipulative. Making excuses and trying to pre-emptively cover your ass with the "on purpose" and "I make mistakes" is also manipulative.
The whole "I told the truth... evenutally" thing is the biggest red flag for me, frankly. I'm guessing she was picking up on the fact that you had lied about something and pressed you on it. You denied for a while but eventually gave in and told the truth. You think you should get credit for eventually fessing up.
That isn't 'telling the truth' and that isn't how the adult world functions. That is 'having to tell the truth after getting caught'. I don't know the context, obviously, but I'm going to guess that you didn't just volunteer the truth, but instead she had to coax it out of you. if that is the case... sorry, but your girlfriend has every right to be upset with you and question the relationship. It sends her a crystal clear message that you were pretty likely to have NEVER told the truth. Your behaviour is showing her that you:
a) can't always be trusted
b) won't always tell the truth
c) will withhold affection and communication
d) will make excuses for unacceptable behaviour and not really take responsibility
She isn't perfect either, it sounds like she is handling your uneven and manipulative behaviour not terribly well (the "you're like every other man" thing was baiting), but from my very limited perspective it does sound like she has a point. It does sound like you're treating her like crap. It sounds like a breakup is maybe a good idea. I don't think you are doing right by her, and I think you need to think hard about the type of boyfriend you want to be next time.
posted by PuppetMcSockerson at 8:40 AM on April 15, 2013 [1 favorite]
The whole "I told the truth... evenutally" thing is the biggest red flag for me, frankly. I'm guessing she was picking up on the fact that you had lied about something and pressed you on it. You denied for a while but eventually gave in and told the truth. You think you should get credit for eventually fessing up.
That isn't 'telling the truth' and that isn't how the adult world functions. That is 'having to tell the truth after getting caught'. I don't know the context, obviously, but I'm going to guess that you didn't just volunteer the truth, but instead she had to coax it out of you. if that is the case... sorry, but your girlfriend has every right to be upset with you and question the relationship. It sends her a crystal clear message that you were pretty likely to have NEVER told the truth. Your behaviour is showing her that you:
a) can't always be trusted
b) won't always tell the truth
c) will withhold affection and communication
d) will make excuses for unacceptable behaviour and not really take responsibility
She isn't perfect either, it sounds like she is handling your uneven and manipulative behaviour not terribly well (the "you're like every other man" thing was baiting), but from my very limited perspective it does sound like she has a point. It does sound like you're treating her like crap. It sounds like a breakup is maybe a good idea. I don't think you are doing right by her, and I think you need to think hard about the type of boyfriend you want to be next time.
posted by PuppetMcSockerson at 8:40 AM on April 15, 2013 [1 favorite]
She felt she was being treated properly and that was the same as every other guy, meaning that I would treat her like crap .
maybe that was just something she said in the heat of passion, but if that's how she really feels the problem may be with her.
posted by cupcake1337 at 6:07 PM on April 15, 2013
maybe that was just something she said in the heat of passion, but if that's how she really feels the problem may be with her.
posted by cupcake1337 at 6:07 PM on April 15, 2013
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by spunweb at 8:08 AM on April 14, 2013 [1 favorite]