I want to help and I really mean it!
April 2, 2013 5:17 PM Subscribe
Help me write a note to my neighbor, offering help if needed...
The nice lady who lives two houses down has/had a deadbeat boyfriend, and tonight he was carted off by the police after screaming curses and banging on her door. (This was the latest incident of at least three that I can recall where he's acted completely foolish, and the cops were called at least one other time.) The neighbors (guys) across the street came over to divert him (calmly and effectively!), and I came over to give her my name and number in case she needed it later - I told her to call anytime, day or night.
She stood in the doorway, near tears, and said "I'm sorry. I'm so humiliated." I told her not to be, that we've all been in similar situations.
I'd like to leave her a brief note, reinforcing that I really mean that it's ok to call if she's scared and needs someone there quickly (say, if she's waiting for the police again), and something along the lines of "no humiliation, it's a reflection on your (former?) partner, not you."
I want to *not* make it an overly big deal and make her feel worse, though - I'd like ideas on what I might write in such a note, and also if it might be better to just not write it at all - was the number enough? If you were the recipient of such a note and in a bad relationship that is possibly not over, what would you want to read?
I should mention that her boyfriend doesn't seem particularly dangerous (just stupid and a drunk), and if I did go over there, I'd be going with the full knowledge/assistance of my own sweet and kind boyfriend.
The nice lady who lives two houses down has/had a deadbeat boyfriend, and tonight he was carted off by the police after screaming curses and banging on her door. (This was the latest incident of at least three that I can recall where he's acted completely foolish, and the cops were called at least one other time.) The neighbors (guys) across the street came over to divert him (calmly and effectively!), and I came over to give her my name and number in case she needed it later - I told her to call anytime, day or night.
She stood in the doorway, near tears, and said "I'm sorry. I'm so humiliated." I told her not to be, that we've all been in similar situations.
I'd like to leave her a brief note, reinforcing that I really mean that it's ok to call if she's scared and needs someone there quickly (say, if she's waiting for the police again), and something along the lines of "no humiliation, it's a reflection on your (former?) partner, not you."
I want to *not* make it an overly big deal and make her feel worse, though - I'd like ideas on what I might write in such a note, and also if it might be better to just not write it at all - was the number enough? If you were the recipient of such a note and in a bad relationship that is possibly not over, what would you want to read?
I should mention that her boyfriend doesn't seem particularly dangerous (just stupid and a drunk), and if I did go over there, I'd be going with the full knowledge/assistance of my own sweet and kind boyfriend.
I think this is the sort of place where a gesture may go further than words. Can you make her some cookies, or something similar? Food is great because everyone needs it and, when times are tough, it's comforting. And even if she somehow doesn't like the cookies you bring, it still makes the message loud and clear: you're thinking of her, and you're there to help.
The reason why I'd caution away from a note, specifically, is because words on paper don't always work that well. Sometimes they feel hollow, because they're just words. Other times, they feel unhelpful, because everything else is so overwhelming that "figuring out what help to ask for" is just one more insurmountable burden. Sometimes they don't work because the person receiving them isn't comfortable accepting help from others.
But cookies make the message loud and clear. They're tasty, they're simple, and they would say everything you want to say.
posted by meese at 5:45 PM on April 2, 2013 [19 favorites]
The reason why I'd caution away from a note, specifically, is because words on paper don't always work that well. Sometimes they feel hollow, because they're just words. Other times, they feel unhelpful, because everything else is so overwhelming that "figuring out what help to ask for" is just one more insurmountable burden. Sometimes they don't work because the person receiving them isn't comfortable accepting help from others.
But cookies make the message loud and clear. They're tasty, they're simple, and they would say everything you want to say.
posted by meese at 5:45 PM on April 2, 2013 [19 favorites]
Since you don't have any specific help in mind (are you really going to fight past a screaming drunk to get inside her door to wait for the police?), I think it'd be better and nicer to strike up a low-key friendship.
posted by acidic at 5:45 PM on April 2, 2013
posted by acidic at 5:45 PM on April 2, 2013
Best answer: (1) This is a kind gesture and I want to give you a hug for being so proactively supportive!
(2) I think you should consider the possibility that the deadbeat (former?) boyfriend might discover this note and get ticked at you and/or your nice lady neighbor.
(3) With this in mind, I'd keep anything written to just your name and phone number. I wouldn't put any reference to the boyfriend in writing.
posted by The Girl Who Ate Boston at 5:45 PM on April 2, 2013 [8 favorites]
(2) I think you should consider the possibility that the deadbeat (former?) boyfriend might discover this note and get ticked at you and/or your nice lady neighbor.
(3) With this in mind, I'd keep anything written to just your name and phone number. I wouldn't put any reference to the boyfriend in writing.
posted by The Girl Who Ate Boston at 5:45 PM on April 2, 2013 [8 favorites]
If you're not comfortable initiating another conversation with her about this, and really want to drop off the note, keep it just to your name and phone number with a casserole/meal for one with a couple of sides/gift certificate to a massage or pedicure/some other thing you think she's appreciate based on what little you know of her. Do not identify yourself as a neighbor (she'll figure it out, but if she leaves the paper lying around it won't have tooooo much context for him, some plausible deniability for her) maaaaybe include an invitation to dinner out or at your place, or coffee or whatever.
Actions speak louder than words, as they say. So if you offer to help, and it's actually combined with something helpful and pleasant she may be more likely to take your word for it.
Though. I say this as someone who has survived multiple kinds of traumas and crappy relationships and not only does every person react differently in the aftermath of these things, but each person may react differently after each episode. She may want to cry to her mom privately this time, and then NEXT time realize that her mom isn't a safe person to talk to about this after all. Or something. Be prepared for things to not make sense. (please! Do not think poorly of her if she takes this schmuck back immediately after he gets out of jail. It's kind of par for the course.)
And for the record, some of the most terribly abusive men seem "like such a nice guy" to everyone, except (but sometimes even including!) the person they are abusing. So please, do not assume that he is harmless. Please. Do not confront him.
screaming curses and banging on her door
This is not the work of a "just a drunk." This is an angry man that she didn't want in her house for some reason. I'd bet money it was a very good reason, if I were the betting kind.
posted by bilabial at 5:53 PM on April 2, 2013 [3 favorites]
Actions speak louder than words, as they say. So if you offer to help, and it's actually combined with something helpful and pleasant she may be more likely to take your word for it.
Though. I say this as someone who has survived multiple kinds of traumas and crappy relationships and not only does every person react differently in the aftermath of these things, but each person may react differently after each episode. She may want to cry to her mom privately this time, and then NEXT time realize that her mom isn't a safe person to talk to about this after all. Or something. Be prepared for things to not make sense. (please! Do not think poorly of her if she takes this schmuck back immediately after he gets out of jail. It's kind of par for the course.)
And for the record, some of the most terribly abusive men seem "like such a nice guy" to everyone, except (but sometimes even including!) the person they are abusing. So please, do not assume that he is harmless. Please. Do not confront him.
screaming curses and banging on her door
This is not the work of a "just a drunk." This is an angry man that she didn't want in her house for some reason. I'd bet money it was a very good reason, if I were the betting kind.
posted by bilabial at 5:53 PM on April 2, 2013 [3 favorites]
It's a very good thing that you've done, and a very good thing you want to do. Many people freeze in the face of real life situations, others are able to give of themselves, not feel embarrassed or awkward but rather to reach a hand out, open a heart out. Seems to me that you're a good person, and competent.
If you do reach to her further, I believe that you've got to be willing to back it up; no stepping back if she wants or needs to talk about the very human situation that she is in. It's sortof an unusual piece of life, that if you really show up in someones life then you are bound to them and they are bound to you. Maybe not bound, maybe that's not the right sense of it, but you are in it together. All the pretense and all the bullshit drops to the floor, no time for small talk and no need for it, either, it's eye to eye and heart to heart.
Plz don't reference her boyfriend being a mope, she may not be done in that relationship and would perhaps feel judged by you. She may not ever get done in that relationship -- can you be open to supporting her even then? It's difficult. Human beings, we have dumb hearts; I sure do. I have two people in my life who are in relationships with tons of yelling and bullying, yet they love their women, and they're not leaving -- to tell them what I see without calling them down or calling their women down, it's difficult, but it's way more helpful to them.
I think a card or a short note is a great idea, a good thing. Just a few words maybe, it can sit on her dresser, warm her. Just let her know you're there and thinking of her, open to her, with her in spirit.
posted by dancestoblue at 6:07 PM on April 2, 2013 [1 favorite]
If you do reach to her further, I believe that you've got to be willing to back it up; no stepping back if she wants or needs to talk about the very human situation that she is in. It's sortof an unusual piece of life, that if you really show up in someones life then you are bound to them and they are bound to you. Maybe not bound, maybe that's not the right sense of it, but you are in it together. All the pretense and all the bullshit drops to the floor, no time for small talk and no need for it, either, it's eye to eye and heart to heart.
Plz don't reference her boyfriend being a mope, she may not be done in that relationship and would perhaps feel judged by you. She may not ever get done in that relationship -- can you be open to supporting her even then? It's difficult. Human beings, we have dumb hearts; I sure do. I have two people in my life who are in relationships with tons of yelling and bullying, yet they love their women, and they're not leaving -- to tell them what I see without calling them down or calling their women down, it's difficult, but it's way more helpful to them.
I think a card or a short note is a great idea, a good thing. Just a few words maybe, it can sit on her dresser, warm her. Just let her know you're there and thinking of her, open to her, with her in spirit.
posted by dancestoblue at 6:07 PM on April 2, 2013 [1 favorite]
I don't think I'd give her a gift, because that might make her feel even more indebted/ humiliated. I would just talk to her one day and present it as a done deal: "I expect you to call me if he shows up and harrasses you again." As in, she won't be imposing on you for calling, and in fact you'll be upset if she doesn't call - because this is what friends are for.
posted by MexicanYenta at 6:09 PM on April 2, 2013
posted by MexicanYenta at 6:09 PM on April 2, 2013
Be careful, as others have said.
If you want her to feel that she can call on you, maybe you could ask her for a favor. Make yourself indebted to her. You'll have to use your brain to come up with something that won't make her bf mad, something she can actually do for you or lend you.
posted by amtho at 6:22 PM on April 2, 2013 [3 favorites]
If you want her to feel that she can call on you, maybe you could ask her for a favor. Make yourself indebted to her. You'll have to use your brain to come up with something that won't make her bf mad, something she can actually do for you or lend you.
posted by amtho at 6:22 PM on April 2, 2013 [3 favorites]
I would just, like, invite her over for dinner or dessert one night and mention how much you like living on such a neighborly street and say you hope you can call her if you and BF ever need anything. She'll probably say yes and you can just reaffirm that you would do the same for her if ever she needed it.
I like this approach -- she's embarrassed, she has said so, and a general offer of friendship can restore the balance of mutual respect in her head. Really the best thing you can offer her is her dignity, so approaching this apart from 'an offer of help' would be really nice--just treating her as a neighbor--and you can still reinforce your phone number and email address and just generally be a friend.
posted by A Terrible Llama at 6:28 PM on April 2, 2013 [2 favorites]
I like this approach -- she's embarrassed, she has said so, and a general offer of friendship can restore the balance of mutual respect in her head. Really the best thing you can offer her is her dignity, so approaching this apart from 'an offer of help' would be really nice--just treating her as a neighbor--and you can still reinforce your phone number and email address and just generally be a friend.
posted by A Terrible Llama at 6:28 PM on April 2, 2013 [2 favorites]
Best answer: I'm one of the least conflict-avoidant people out there, but I am going to suggest you stand down on this one. You already gave her your name and number. To inject yourself any further into her drama is to risk creating an unhealthy triangulation, where you get sucked into the dynamic between the two of them, and possibly inadvertently enable it. Or end up waaaay over your head.
If you hear trouble coming from her place, call the cops.
posted by nacho fries at 7:23 PM on April 2, 2013 [10 favorites]
If you hear trouble coming from her place, call the cops.
posted by nacho fries at 7:23 PM on April 2, 2013 [10 favorites]
I know you mean well, but no, I wouldn't go any further than you have. If anything, she might now spend more energy dodging you to avoid being reminded of her humiliation. The unsolicited offer of help from a stranger may well be interpreted as (further) evidence of weakness she already feels. (If this happened elsewhere and you didn't live nearby, imo, I think she might have been more inclined to take you up.. she would then feel more in control of the interaction, and freer to feel and behave 'normally' in her hood.) If it helps you feel better, the police very probably gave her some numbers to call.
Be cool, maybe smile if you see her. If the opportunity for chat even emerges, let her initiate it, & keep things light, impersonal, and short.
(You're also younger than this woman? I would not expect a call. But what you did was earnest and nice.)
posted by nelljie at 8:09 PM on April 2, 2013 [2 favorites]
Be cool, maybe smile if you see her. If the opportunity for chat even emerges, let her initiate it, & keep things light, impersonal, and short.
(You're also younger than this woman? I would not expect a call. But what you did was earnest and nice.)
posted by nelljie at 8:09 PM on April 2, 2013 [2 favorites]
i think your heart is in the right place but i'd stay out of it. what nacho fries said is very true and you may also be attracted to other people's drama which is not particularly healthy. you can give her resources to shelters, counselors, etc. but i'd suggest not becoming her new best friend/personal counselor as you will likely get sucked in way deeper than you imagined into an unhealthy and possibly abusive situation. then, if you decide you want to extricate yourself it will be very awkward because you live so close to each other and will still be seeing each other around. make friendly neighbor chit chat and point her in the direction of trained professionals only if she asks for help.
posted by wildflower at 8:41 PM on April 2, 2013
posted by wildflower at 8:41 PM on April 2, 2013
About her humiliation: have you ever had a friend or family member in your neighbor's situation?
If so you might include that in the note, but keep it short (2-3 sentences with no more than 2 clauses each.)
Example: "One of the reasons I wanted to offer help is that my sister was once in a rough situation with her boyfriend. She lives out of town and I was always worried if she would be okay or not. It would have meant a lot to me to have someone local watching out for her who could help her if she needed it."
If you say this, then she doesn't need to cast herself as bringing trashy low class drama to a neighborhood of stable upright citizens who would never associate with such people, if that's what she's telling herself. It becomes something that's in your own life too not just hers.
posted by cairdeas at 9:35 PM on April 2, 2013 [2 favorites]
If so you might include that in the note, but keep it short (2-3 sentences with no more than 2 clauses each.)
Example: "One of the reasons I wanted to offer help is that my sister was once in a rough situation with her boyfriend. She lives out of town and I was always worried if she would be okay or not. It would have meant a lot to me to have someone local watching out for her who could help her if she needed it."
If you say this, then she doesn't need to cast herself as bringing trashy low class drama to a neighborhood of stable upright citizens who would never associate with such people, if that's what she's telling herself. It becomes something that's in your own life too not just hers.
posted by cairdeas at 9:35 PM on April 2, 2013 [2 favorites]
Best answer: She'll take action when she's ready to, when it's right for her, and not a second sooner.
Until then, you have already done the very best thing for her: you have established yourself as a Resource. Believe me, she has probably filed you away in her (perhaps unconscious) list of Safe People. Your house is one of the places she has mentally triangulated as a refuge if she should need it. Collecting enough of these Resources is a very important step toward her getting ready to take action.
All you have to do now is reinforce that by being friendly and neighborly. Don't force anything. You've already done what needed doing.
posted by (F)utility at 10:13 PM on April 2, 2013 [5 favorites]
Until then, you have already done the very best thing for her: you have established yourself as a Resource. Believe me, she has probably filed you away in her (perhaps unconscious) list of Safe People. Your house is one of the places she has mentally triangulated as a refuge if she should need it. Collecting enough of these Resources is a very important step toward her getting ready to take action.
All you have to do now is reinforce that by being friendly and neighborly. Don't force anything. You've already done what needed doing.
posted by (F)utility at 10:13 PM on April 2, 2013 [5 favorites]
I would leave things as they are. As a few people have said, she may feel humiliated or embarrassed. Just be friendly in the usual neighborly way. I have no doubt she heard your message and appreciates it. I don't think you should do any more right now.
posted by oneirodynia at 10:16 PM on April 2, 2013
posted by oneirodynia at 10:16 PM on April 2, 2013
Best answer: Just wanted to explain a bit more, and add a bit to bilabial’s comments. As she said, your neighbour may still believe she loves this guy she knows you have judged a laughable, weak, stupid drunk. (It will come across, even if you haven’t said it.) She may identify with him. At the same time, this ‘stupid drunk’ has power over her, in her daily life. She may think: if you see him as contemptible, what must you think of her?
When I was with my ex, the few people I felt ok talking about things with were those who were least judgemental. People who had actually been through similar experiences themselves. Who understood the intensity and effects of that kind of traumatic bond, and could see that my ex might have redeeming qualities. And I might talk about breaking it off, and they’d listen, and get that I meant it when I said it, but might slip. And just quietly encouraged. Could you suspend judgement, and negotiate that kind of conversation?
People (acquaintances; friends who knew my strengths) to whom I might not divulge things, but who were equally important, were those who reminded me what normal was supposed to feel like. Not by saying ‘you know your life isn’t normal’, but by just hanging out. Accepting my presence as an individual. Those distractions offered a breather, and were important in subtly forcing a comparison with what was going on at home. Could you offer relaxation and relief, or in some way recognize the individuality of the 'nice lady’? Do you have much in common? Is yours the kind of neighbourhood that has barbecues, and if so, would she fit in?
You witnessed three events, and got involved in the last, so it feels final and urgent to you. It’s on a continuum of normal for her. As has been said, the actual straw that breaks etc might be a year or three or never from now. Maybe the public nature of this event will make it a milestone towards progress, maybe not.
As I see it, you’ve put yourself in a sort of crisis worker role. But you are neighbours. It’s possible she might call on you, but unless you have something in common, or it’s some extreme situation (and ‘extreme’ is a relative term, her bar is probably higher now), I would doubt it. Or yeah, she might call you, in which case you’d have to very quickly become a crisis worker. Meanwhile you’re right there, all the time. If you don’t think you could withhold judgement, or think she’d feel comfortable at a barbecue with the young guys and your boyfriend, I’d stick to being friendly from a distance. And 2nd calling the police if there is reason.
(I apologize if I sound harsh or got things wrong, and acknowledge that I’m no authority on what your neighbour might feel. If it were me, I'd have been mortified.)
posted by nelljie at 1:17 AM on April 3, 2013 [1 favorite]
When I was with my ex, the few people I felt ok talking about things with were those who were least judgemental. People who had actually been through similar experiences themselves. Who understood the intensity and effects of that kind of traumatic bond, and could see that my ex might have redeeming qualities. And I might talk about breaking it off, and they’d listen, and get that I meant it when I said it, but might slip. And just quietly encouraged. Could you suspend judgement, and negotiate that kind of conversation?
People (acquaintances; friends who knew my strengths) to whom I might not divulge things, but who were equally important, were those who reminded me what normal was supposed to feel like. Not by saying ‘you know your life isn’t normal’, but by just hanging out. Accepting my presence as an individual. Those distractions offered a breather, and were important in subtly forcing a comparison with what was going on at home. Could you offer relaxation and relief, or in some way recognize the individuality of the 'nice lady’? Do you have much in common? Is yours the kind of neighbourhood that has barbecues, and if so, would she fit in?
You witnessed three events, and got involved in the last, so it feels final and urgent to you. It’s on a continuum of normal for her. As has been said, the actual straw that breaks etc might be a year or three or never from now. Maybe the public nature of this event will make it a milestone towards progress, maybe not.
As I see it, you’ve put yourself in a sort of crisis worker role. But you are neighbours. It’s possible she might call on you, but unless you have something in common, or it’s some extreme situation (and ‘extreme’ is a relative term, her bar is probably higher now), I would doubt it. Or yeah, she might call you, in which case you’d have to very quickly become a crisis worker. Meanwhile you’re right there, all the time. If you don’t think you could withhold judgement, or think she’d feel comfortable at a barbecue with the young guys and your boyfriend, I’d stick to being friendly from a distance. And 2nd calling the police if there is reason.
(I apologize if I sound harsh or got things wrong, and acknowledge that I’m no authority on what your neighbour might feel. If it were me, I'd have been mortified.)
posted by nelljie at 1:17 AM on April 3, 2013 [1 favorite]
It sounds like you really do not know this person well enough to know if they have other social support to call on, if they are drama prone themselves, etc. At this point, I think letting them forget the incident would probably be the best way to minimize their sense of embarrassment.
If you happen to get to know her better, a different answer might make sense. But it is generally not a good thing to relate to someone you barely know solely through some problem they have and your desire to fix things/be supportive. Without context, you will be highly likely to either vastly underestimate or vastly overestimate the importance/weight of this detail of her life.
That doesn't mean you were wrong to try to be supportive at the time. Just tread lightly.
So I would say either no note or a note very carefully emphasizing that you just wanted to make sure she got your number. A good excuse might be "Here is the typed version just in case you had trouble reading my handwriting." Something like that should emphasize to her that it really is okay to call you without getting all weird and co-dependent-y in character.
posted by Michele in California at 7:07 AM on April 3, 2013
If you happen to get to know her better, a different answer might make sense. But it is generally not a good thing to relate to someone you barely know solely through some problem they have and your desire to fix things/be supportive. Without context, you will be highly likely to either vastly underestimate or vastly overestimate the importance/weight of this detail of her life.
That doesn't mean you were wrong to try to be supportive at the time. Just tread lightly.
So I would say either no note or a note very carefully emphasizing that you just wanted to make sure she got your number. A good excuse might be "Here is the typed version just in case you had trouble reading my handwriting." Something like that should emphasize to her that it really is okay to call you without getting all weird and co-dependent-y in character.
posted by Michele in California at 7:07 AM on April 3, 2013
Response by poster: Thanks, everyone. I'm just going to let this slide, and not leave a follow-up note. I like (F)utility's idea of being a passive 'Resource.'
"And for the record, some of the most terribly abusive men seem "like such a nice guy" to everyone, except (but sometimes even including!) the person they are abusing. So please, do not assume that he is harmless. Please. Do not confront him."
Yeah, I know this, I was in an abusive relationship myself. I don't think he's a nice guy, nor do I have any plans to confront him.
"you may also be attracted to other people's drama which is not particularly healthy. you can give her resources to shelters, counselors, etc. but i'd suggest not becoming her new best friend/personal counselor"
Not even close to the case. I'm a huge introvert, and the idea of becoming involved in someone else's drama is abhorrent to me. Even a simple suggestion like inviting neighbors over for a barbecue (Snarl Furillo) gives me the willies.
posted by HopperFan at 7:24 AM on April 3, 2013
"And for the record, some of the most terribly abusive men seem "like such a nice guy" to everyone, except (but sometimes even including!) the person they are abusing. So please, do not assume that he is harmless. Please. Do not confront him."
Yeah, I know this, I was in an abusive relationship myself. I don't think he's a nice guy, nor do I have any plans to confront him.
"you may also be attracted to other people's drama which is not particularly healthy. you can give her resources to shelters, counselors, etc. but i'd suggest not becoming her new best friend/personal counselor"
Not even close to the case. I'm a huge introvert, and the idea of becoming involved in someone else's drama is abhorrent to me. Even a simple suggestion like inviting neighbors over for a barbecue (Snarl Furillo) gives me the willies.
posted by HopperFan at 7:24 AM on April 3, 2013
This thread is closed to new comments.
Or maybe have like a cook-out (invite the nice neighbor guys, too!) and invite her and some other neighbors and say the same type of thing if she comes and if she doesn't then you can send a note that says, "Oh, we missed you at the barbecue, hope you'll come to the next one. It's so much fun to get to know everyone on STREET, and we feel lucky to have such great neighbors. Hope to chat with you soon!" Then include your phone number or whatever.
posted by Snarl Furillo at 5:39 PM on April 2, 2013 [1 favorite]