I'm having a hard time with my breakup and with life in general, and I am trying to figure out if I am a barking up the wrong tree / being a crazy person / within the realm of normal, for some value thereof. Wall of text ahoy.
posted by anonymous to human relations (27 answers total) 4 users marked this as a favorite
So my biggest problem in this is the whole thing just seems so unfinished. The short details: together two years, had talked about getting married, lived together (though, having been burned before, I kept my apartment just in case … which turned out to be wise). We had been having trouble and started couples therapy, but hadn't really gotten to the heart of talking about things when we got in a huge fight and he decided it was enough. But we never really talked about it. Got in a fight (about making coffee — nearly all our fights were about small things that I can see were also about big things, but never the big issue explicitly), he said he had "things to think about", didn't really talk for two days to one another — he went to his friends and to our shrink — and then it was just over. I stayed home from work, packed up my things, and he had the movers bring them back to my place. This was extra hard because we had planned the place together, I had done pretty much all the decoration (I am a designer), we had a roof garden with all these plants I had planted still growing, and really I was leaving my home. I was also working crazy hours, so altogether, not at my best.
I guess it is weird that I didn't say anything more in between the fight and the end, but I wanted to give him the time to think he asked for and then he sort of refused to discuss things once he wanted it to be over. I was also getting to the end of my rope with our arguments and his general inability to understand/respect my feelings. All of which is to say, it is ok things ended. It's sad, because I think we had a lot of important things in common and that our issues were solvable, but he couldn't see his way to my point of view (in general this was true about issues big & small), so then it makes sense to end things.
After we broke up, we mostly didn't talk, though I did text a little. Things like work was going well, etc. Then I had an incredibly craptastic day (about a month after the breakup) and asked if we could suspend breakup and grab a drink. This ended with us getting in another fight and him throwing a drink in my face (just the liquid, not the glass). He apologized profusely, but damage done. In general when we disagreed, he would say mean things and on occasion break stuff, so the drink throwing certainly seemed like an escalation. So I told him I felt like if not exactly abusive, his behavior was problematic and we shouldn't talk for a while.
Then my grandma's dementia got worse and I had to fly to my parents and other personal drama and I finally cracked and called and asked if we could have brunch. It is hard for me to feel connected to people and with getting all life's lumps at once, maintaining an open line with someone who I once felt close to seemed important. His response was basically "leave me alone, maybe we can be friends in six months". And as far as I am concerned, the fact that he couldn't set aside other things to be friendly when I was getting a shit sandwich kind of means I have no interest in being friends ever. That wasn't to blackmail him, just the truth that if someone isn't there for you, then what's the point later? I wouldn't ever trust them.
So now I'm worried that I am being totally unreasonable and way too demanding. I mean, we did break up, and I hurt his feelings and he doesn't owe me anything. At the same time, I am having a hard time with the idea that we didn't really communicate about the breakup and I am really hurt by his response about my grandma. To me, at least, there is something about having been that close that is still important. Like, I don't think we need to be spending tons of time together or even be friends exactly, but the idea that he just doesn't give a shit is hard to take. It makes everything that went before seem false and makes me feel like a fool.
I plan on leaving him alone, of course; he made his feelings totally clear. But I guess I wonder am I being totally unreasonable to be shocked / hurt / uncomfortable with the ease of him just writing everything off like it never mattered? Is this how people become stalkers?
I have a shrink who I love and I am doing this self-esteem class and trying to reach out to other folks I know (which is hard because trust), but this is totally tearing me up. I'm honestly not sure if I am more upset about what happened or upset by how upset I am.
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