Should I move out ASAP or wait it out?
March 9, 2013 6:18 PM Subscribe
I'm a 22-year-old college grad living home with my dysfunctional family after being away at school for four years. I want to go to dental school but need to take pre-requisite science courses first. These courses should take me 1-2 years to complete. I work about 35 hours per week, but I have no savings and ~40K in student loan debt. My dad is an alcoholic and my mom is frighteningly codependent on him. The environment in my house is miserable and stale. That being said, financially it makes the most sense for me to live home for a couple more years. Should my focus be on moving out ASAP or learning to adapt to the dysfunction while I get my shit done?
Sorry if this post seems long-winded. Like I mentioned above, my dad is an alcoholic. There is little to no chance that he will seek help for this, because he is also depressed and does not believe in God/therapy/any sort of higher power/spirituality. I imagine him walking into AA and scoffing at the first mention of anything religious. He is not physically violent and mostly keeps to himself. He goes to work every day, and gets drunk off of wine every night until he passes out. During this time I stay closed up in my room watching TV or browsing the internet. My mom is aware of the problem but chooses not to address it in any real way. They have a terrible marriage, no affection whatsoever, and I think my mom's self-esteem has taken a real hit from being with an alcoholic. My brother lives on his own, but he was/is also a drug addict, so growing up there has always been some sort of dysfunction in my family life.
Given this information, the obvious response would be to get the F out of my house. However, there is a huge financial component. I went away for college and it was great having the physical and emotional distance from my family. I am now $40K in debt and have deferred my loan payments (I just started working recently). My goal is to become a dentist; I have to take 1-2 years worth of pre-reqs in order to apply. Basically, I have 3 options on how to go about taking these classes:
1) Live home, learn to ignore or detach from the problems of my family, save up money, and take the classes at a school about 30 min. away. The school is cheap enough that my parents can pay for it, but I do hate having to depend on them for anything.
2) Same as above except rent a room in a neighborhood near my house. This is easier said than done because I live in the suburbs so it would be a challenge finding roommates, etc. I like this option least because it seems the loneliest.
3) Move to a different city, take the classes at a school there (the program I found is pretty inexpensive), find a new part-time job in said city, and take out loans to cover some part of the cost of living.
I see a therapist, and he thinks it's ideal for me to move out, but understands staying home to save money IF I am able to detach from the madness via Al-Anon or some other method.
I should add that I do not have a boyfriend and am really weird about intimacy (another issue I'm working through with my shrink). I feel like I'll never be able to meet guys or have a normal relationship while living at home with my parents. I have deep-rooted self esteem issues and a strong propensity for clinical depression. My depression comes in waves, and I suffer from quite a bit of anxiety.
Just about all of my friends have "grown-up" jobs or are in grad school and have moved into NYC, so I feel like my social life has really taken a hit since graduating college. I barely ever go out, because it's just become a hassle to make the trip in to see them, then come back alone to my house that I hate living in.
So what do you all think? Has anyone seen major improvement by going to Al-Anon? Is it unrealistic to believe that I can learn to detach with the help of such a program, coupled with therapy? Is the financial aspect worth it? Will I regret taking out loans for living now in ten years, and wish I had just sucked it up?
It's hard to put a price tag on one's sanity. But, if I am overreacting, I'd like to know how best to cope with my situation. Thanks in advance for all responses.
Sorry if this post seems long-winded. Like I mentioned above, my dad is an alcoholic. There is little to no chance that he will seek help for this, because he is also depressed and does not believe in God/therapy/any sort of higher power/spirituality. I imagine him walking into AA and scoffing at the first mention of anything religious. He is not physically violent and mostly keeps to himself. He goes to work every day, and gets drunk off of wine every night until he passes out. During this time I stay closed up in my room watching TV or browsing the internet. My mom is aware of the problem but chooses not to address it in any real way. They have a terrible marriage, no affection whatsoever, and I think my mom's self-esteem has taken a real hit from being with an alcoholic. My brother lives on his own, but he was/is also a drug addict, so growing up there has always been some sort of dysfunction in my family life.
Given this information, the obvious response would be to get the F out of my house. However, there is a huge financial component. I went away for college and it was great having the physical and emotional distance from my family. I am now $40K in debt and have deferred my loan payments (I just started working recently). My goal is to become a dentist; I have to take 1-2 years worth of pre-reqs in order to apply. Basically, I have 3 options on how to go about taking these classes:
1) Live home, learn to ignore or detach from the problems of my family, save up money, and take the classes at a school about 30 min. away. The school is cheap enough that my parents can pay for it, but I do hate having to depend on them for anything.
2) Same as above except rent a room in a neighborhood near my house. This is easier said than done because I live in the suburbs so it would be a challenge finding roommates, etc. I like this option least because it seems the loneliest.
3) Move to a different city, take the classes at a school there (the program I found is pretty inexpensive), find a new part-time job in said city, and take out loans to cover some part of the cost of living.
I see a therapist, and he thinks it's ideal for me to move out, but understands staying home to save money IF I am able to detach from the madness via Al-Anon or some other method.
I should add that I do not have a boyfriend and am really weird about intimacy (another issue I'm working through with my shrink). I feel like I'll never be able to meet guys or have a normal relationship while living at home with my parents. I have deep-rooted self esteem issues and a strong propensity for clinical depression. My depression comes in waves, and I suffer from quite a bit of anxiety.
Just about all of my friends have "grown-up" jobs or are in grad school and have moved into NYC, so I feel like my social life has really taken a hit since graduating college. I barely ever go out, because it's just become a hassle to make the trip in to see them, then come back alone to my house that I hate living in.
So what do you all think? Has anyone seen major improvement by going to Al-Anon? Is it unrealistic to believe that I can learn to detach with the help of such a program, coupled with therapy? Is the financial aspect worth it? Will I regret taking out loans for living now in ten years, and wish I had just sucked it up?
It's hard to put a price tag on one's sanity. But, if I am overreacting, I'd like to know how best to cope with my situation. Thanks in advance for all responses.
Al-Anon can help, for sure. It's certainly worth going to a few meetings before making any big decisions. You don't have to be religious to get help from a 12 step program, by the way.
Really, this is 100% up to you in the end. Some people are able to figure out how to survive in this type of situation without letting it ruin their lives. It's really about learning to emotionally detach from other people's problems and figure out what is and is not acceptable in your own life. Nobody can make those decisions for you.
I encourage you to give Al-Anon a decent shot. Hearing other people's stories has been really so helpful for me over the years in dealing with situations like this.
posted by something something at 6:30 PM on March 9, 2013 [1 favorite]
Really, this is 100% up to you in the end. Some people are able to figure out how to survive in this type of situation without letting it ruin their lives. It's really about learning to emotionally detach from other people's problems and figure out what is and is not acceptable in your own life. Nobody can make those decisions for you.
I encourage you to give Al-Anon a decent shot. Hearing other people's stories has been really so helpful for me over the years in dealing with situations like this.
posted by something something at 6:30 PM on March 9, 2013 [1 favorite]
Best answer: Everyone in this thread is going to tell you to move out because that's the answer you get if you ask people if you should move out.
I was in a situation like yours, moved out late because of family and financial problems, so I hear you. I'm also going to tell you to move out, but it's not just because "everyone over 18 should move out of their parents' house".
This is the voice of first-hand experience: In this environment your depression and anxiety are not going to get better and are going to hold you back and get in the way of your dreams. Don't let your family's problems become your life-long handicap.
It's also really hard to have a relationship out of your parents' house. Don't discount the importance of romantic experience.
posted by bleep at 6:46 PM on March 9, 2013 [6 favorites]
I was in a situation like yours, moved out late because of family and financial problems, so I hear you. I'm also going to tell you to move out, but it's not just because "everyone over 18 should move out of their parents' house".
This is the voice of first-hand experience: In this environment your depression and anxiety are not going to get better and are going to hold you back and get in the way of your dreams. Don't let your family's problems become your life-long handicap.
It's also really hard to have a relationship out of your parents' house. Don't discount the importance of romantic experience.
posted by bleep at 6:46 PM on March 9, 2013 [6 favorites]
Psychologically, it's probably best to move out. But to help you figure out how best to do that, we need more data:
- What did you study in undergrad and what are the income prospects for the type of work you are doing now?
- Will you keep working while you do pre-requisites?
- Do you have other family members who might support you financially?
- How is your credit?
- Can your loans be put into forbearance?
- How much are your parents willing to help with school expenses if you move out?
- Are your parents abusive to you (meaning, will they sabotage your plans if you rely on them) or are they just unpleasant to be around?
posted by 3491again at 6:56 PM on March 9, 2013
- What did you study in undergrad and what are the income prospects for the type of work you are doing now?
- Will you keep working while you do pre-requisites?
- Do you have other family members who might support you financially?
- How is your credit?
- Can your loans be put into forbearance?
- How much are your parents willing to help with school expenses if you move out?
- Are your parents abusive to you (meaning, will they sabotage your plans if you rely on them) or are they just unpleasant to be around?
posted by 3491again at 6:56 PM on March 9, 2013
I'm going to tell you to move out because there's no good reason not to. I could see if you were unemployed, but it sounds like you have a job and are just living at home because it enables you to pay down your student loans faster. That's a noble goal, but it sounds like you're miserable and your living situation is untenable. Some things are more important than money, and having a sane day to day existence is one of those things.
As far as where to live, live wherever is closer to work and/or school and allows you to continue your plan of working full time and taking dental school prereqs. If that means continued existence in suburbia, so be it. There have to be some rooms for rent or students needing housemates or the like. There are everywhere. It's not that hard to find. Assuming you are already racking up the prereqs or have an eye on where you'll be doing that, maybe try student resources? My alma mater had a housing office with a bulletin board full of "roommate wanted" type listings.
posted by Sara C. at 7:07 PM on March 9, 2013
As far as where to live, live wherever is closer to work and/or school and allows you to continue your plan of working full time and taking dental school prereqs. If that means continued existence in suburbia, so be it. There have to be some rooms for rent or students needing housemates or the like. There are everywhere. It's not that hard to find. Assuming you are already racking up the prereqs or have an eye on where you'll be doing that, maybe try student resources? My alma mater had a housing office with a bulletin board full of "roommate wanted" type listings.
posted by Sara C. at 7:07 PM on March 9, 2013
Best answer: I did this sort of thing a while back. I'm still not sure if it was worth it.
The mental cost was quite high, but it did raise my tolerance of other people's insanity quite a bit (or maybe I'm just telling that to myself). On the other hand, it could have easily gone the other way and I could have snapped. I also sort of believe that intentionally living around deep dysfunction is a lot more likely to etch patterns in your life that you're going to be more likely to repeat later on subconsciously, so there's that argument.
In short, if you're asking if you should move out, then it's on the table financially and you should probably go ahead and do it. It's just money, and what with your student loans that solvency ship sailed already.
posted by hobo gitano de queretaro at 7:09 PM on March 9, 2013 [3 favorites]
The mental cost was quite high, but it did raise my tolerance of other people's insanity quite a bit (or maybe I'm just telling that to myself). On the other hand, it could have easily gone the other way and I could have snapped. I also sort of believe that intentionally living around deep dysfunction is a lot more likely to etch patterns in your life that you're going to be more likely to repeat later on subconsciously, so there's that argument.
In short, if you're asking if you should move out, then it's on the table financially and you should probably go ahead and do it. It's just money, and what with your student loans that solvency ship sailed already.
posted by hobo gitano de queretaro at 7:09 PM on March 9, 2013 [3 favorites]
You can find roommates anywhere on Craigslist, and find a room in a group house for a few hundred dollars a month. Just move out. Leave your stuff at your parents house if you have to, but go rent a room somewhere.
posted by empath at 8:35 PM on March 9, 2013
posted by empath at 8:35 PM on March 9, 2013
It sounds like you live on Long Island or somewhere else in the tri-state area? Please update!
I grappled with this exact decision at your age, dyfunctional family, when to move out....
Hmmm.
I had the added complication of having been severly emotionally abused growing up. For me, the choice was (a) career now, mental breakdown and inability to create a normal marriage and family of my own later, or (b) career on the backburner, do self-work NOW.
It sounds like you are not exactly me.
You have more options. In your place, I would ruthlessly choose option #1 and focus on myself and my career ENTIRELY. I would live there, accept money for school and keep the roof over my head. I would put a date on the calendar when I was able to matriculate into a good dental program (NYU?) and I would work my hardest to get there.
Forget about boyfriends or socializing. Just get that degree!!!!
-
I did not do this. I tried to half-ass it. I meant well. In some ways, per my particular circumstances, I chose correctly.
You are not me.
It sounds like you are 3/4's to the way of having a viable career you want for the rest of your life. Part of my problem was that I did not have a single vocation in mind. You do.
-
It sounds like therapy and Al-Anon + studying will push you over the threshold and get you to dental school! Add some yoga, meditation apps on your smartphone, maybe a gym membership or regular hiking schedule, participate on a volleyball team or other group sport - and you are GOLDEN.
You are young. Don't quit now hen you are so close.
This is my advice to you.
posted by jbenben at 8:49 PM on March 9, 2013 [1 favorite]
I grappled with this exact decision at your age, dyfunctional family, when to move out....
Hmmm.
I had the added complication of having been severly emotionally abused growing up. For me, the choice was (a) career now, mental breakdown and inability to create a normal marriage and family of my own later, or (b) career on the backburner, do self-work NOW.
It sounds like you are not exactly me.
You have more options. In your place, I would ruthlessly choose option #1 and focus on myself and my career ENTIRELY. I would live there, accept money for school and keep the roof over my head. I would put a date on the calendar when I was able to matriculate into a good dental program (NYU?) and I would work my hardest to get there.
Forget about boyfriends or socializing. Just get that degree!!!!
-
I did not do this. I tried to half-ass it. I meant well. In some ways, per my particular circumstances, I chose correctly.
You are not me.
It sounds like you are 3/4's to the way of having a viable career you want for the rest of your life. Part of my problem was that I did not have a single vocation in mind. You do.
-
It sounds like therapy and Al-Anon + studying will push you over the threshold and get you to dental school! Add some yoga, meditation apps on your smartphone, maybe a gym membership or regular hiking schedule, participate on a volleyball team or other group sport - and you are GOLDEN.
You are young. Don't quit now hen you are so close.
This is my advice to you.
posted by jbenben at 8:49 PM on March 9, 2013 [1 favorite]
How apart from your family are your living quarters? Can you exchange rooms for something where you can duck out of an entrance that isn't used much? If you can separate yourself from your parents so that you don't see them more than a few times a week, you can probably swing it. However, I wouldn't put that down as a done deal. Try removing yourself from their daily life as much as possible, even getting a mini fridge and hotplate so you can cook for yourself, and see if you can tolerate it for a month or two. If you find yourself unable to thrive in that environment, then you are going to have to move out. It's scary as hell but you can make it!
posted by Foam Pants at 8:56 PM on March 9, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by Foam Pants at 8:56 PM on March 9, 2013 [1 favorite]
Definitely move out, this isn't a good living situation for you.
You're 22- it's totally fine to work like a mofo for a year or two to get your debt down, THEN do all the dental school stuff if that's how you make moving out financially feasible.
posted by Snarl Furillo at 9:14 PM on March 9, 2013 [1 favorite]
You're 22- it's totally fine to work like a mofo for a year or two to get your debt down, THEN do all the dental school stuff if that's how you make moving out financially feasible.
posted by Snarl Furillo at 9:14 PM on March 9, 2013 [1 favorite]
In this environment your depression and anxiety are not going to get better and are going to hold you back and get in the way of your dreams. Don't let your family's problems become your life-long handicap.
This is very good advice.
posted by medusa at 10:02 PM on March 9, 2013 [3 favorites]
This is very good advice.
posted by medusa at 10:02 PM on March 9, 2013 [3 favorites]
2) Same as above except rent a room in a neighborhood near my house. This is easier said than done because I live in the suburbs so it would be a challenge finding roommates, etc. I like this option least because it seems the loneliest.
Why does this seem more lonely than your current option of spending almost all your time at home in your room alone?
Personally, however, I think you should absolutely stay at home to save the money, especially if your parents will not pay tuition once you've moved out. And absolutely 100% do not move out without at least a few thousand dollars in savings, unless you have a much better reason than 'my parents ignore me and are miserable and it makes me depressed'. (If it's going to take you all 1-2 years to build up that much savings even while living at home not paying rent, you certainly can't afford to move out now).
posted by jacalata at 1:06 AM on March 10, 2013
Why does this seem more lonely than your current option of spending almost all your time at home in your room alone?
Personally, however, I think you should absolutely stay at home to save the money, especially if your parents will not pay tuition once you've moved out. And absolutely 100% do not move out without at least a few thousand dollars in savings, unless you have a much better reason than 'my parents ignore me and are miserable and it makes me depressed'. (If it's going to take you all 1-2 years to build up that much savings even while living at home not paying rent, you certainly can't afford to move out now).
posted by jacalata at 1:06 AM on March 10, 2013
Best answer: I'd say move out. Being alone is not the same as being lonely.
posted by BlueHorse at 1:13 AM on March 10, 2013
posted by BlueHorse at 1:13 AM on March 10, 2013
I wanted to comment that you're not alone in experiencing a drop in social life after graduating college. You're no longer surrounded by age matched people with similar interests. You and most others have jobs that make it harder to go out at night. The couple of years after college were really hard for me and for other people I've talked to. Don't feel alone in this.
posted by sciencegeek at 4:14 AM on March 10, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by sciencegeek at 4:14 AM on March 10, 2013 [1 favorite]
Best answer: I have a family situation a lot like this. I did not so much as CONSIDER moving home for post-college pre-professional coursework because I cannot stand to live with those people.
It was really, really hard to do work and science classes both together. I do not get along with my family AT ALL, but if I had known how it would all shake out, I might not have moved back home...but I would have given it serious thought instead of zero thought. So I think you're doing the right thing to weigh your choices, whatever you decide. Good luck!
posted by skbw at 7:26 AM on March 10, 2013
It was really, really hard to do work and science classes both together. I do not get along with my family AT ALL, but if I had known how it would all shake out, I might not have moved back home...but I would have given it serious thought instead of zero thought. So I think you're doing the right thing to weigh your choices, whatever you decide. Good luck!
posted by skbw at 7:26 AM on March 10, 2013
Best answer: Hi! I was you, about four months ago!
Although several other circumstances put me in a different place, I ended up returning home in January. Within the first 24 hours, I felt a significant change in my mood and self-confidence. It stopped being safe to live in my parents' house by the end of the week, so I packed a duffel bag and couch-surfed until I could move into the apartment I'm in now. Although I'm barely surviving - and I do mean barely - I regret nothing.
Your home situation may be significantly less violent than mine was, but dynamics like that are toxic to be around on a constant basis. Do not adapt further to the dysfunction - part of you already has if you've grown up in that environment for years. Further exposure is going to be harder to undo in therapy. In fact, I'd wager that staying in that house much longer is going to undermine every goal you've ever had for yourself, by making your depression harder to control. You would save money, sure, but make significant losses in stability and well-being.
You have an opportunity to move out on a much more controlled timeline, and I strongly encourage you to do it. It will give you a clearer mind to focus on your coursework. After a while, you'll also realize that you feel more empowered to make good decisions on your own, and then make them. Among other positive benefits of living independently of a bad situation.
If you worry about or miss your parents, you can keep an eye on them from a distance and detach whenever it becomes overwhelming. Give them a call or, if it's safe, visit - and then go home. Because you'd have a safe space to call your own.
Craigslist is your friend. Come up with a list of things you want in a potential housemate, and then start reaching out. My housemates have been awesome, and we pretty much all hang out after we've all come home from work. I wish the same for you.
MeMail me if you'd like. I'm rooting for you!
posted by Ashen at 8:10 AM on March 10, 2013 [3 favorites]
Although several other circumstances put me in a different place, I ended up returning home in January. Within the first 24 hours, I felt a significant change in my mood and self-confidence. It stopped being safe to live in my parents' house by the end of the week, so I packed a duffel bag and couch-surfed until I could move into the apartment I'm in now. Although I'm barely surviving - and I do mean barely - I regret nothing.
Your home situation may be significantly less violent than mine was, but dynamics like that are toxic to be around on a constant basis. Do not adapt further to the dysfunction - part of you already has if you've grown up in that environment for years. Further exposure is going to be harder to undo in therapy. In fact, I'd wager that staying in that house much longer is going to undermine every goal you've ever had for yourself, by making your depression harder to control. You would save money, sure, but make significant losses in stability and well-being.
You have an opportunity to move out on a much more controlled timeline, and I strongly encourage you to do it. It will give you a clearer mind to focus on your coursework. After a while, you'll also realize that you feel more empowered to make good decisions on your own, and then make them. Among other positive benefits of living independently of a bad situation.
If you worry about or miss your parents, you can keep an eye on them from a distance and detach whenever it becomes overwhelming. Give them a call or, if it's safe, visit - and then go home. Because you'd have a safe space to call your own.
Craigslist is your friend. Come up with a list of things you want in a potential housemate, and then start reaching out. My housemates have been awesome, and we pretty much all hang out after we've all come home from work. I wish the same for you.
MeMail me if you'd like. I'm rooting for you!
posted by Ashen at 8:10 AM on March 10, 2013 [3 favorites]
Sure you can't move into a house with roommates that's not too far away? It seems that would be the least lonely, even if you are not friends there would be people around; it always made a big difference to me and I was never close friends with my post-college roommates. You already have a job to cover rent. While you're still working that many hours I think you should also take a crack at paying those student loans for now - the longer you defer, the more interest on that debt will pile up.
I really think getting away from a dysfunctional environment that takes up so much of your headspace would give you the opportunity to take a fresh look at your goals and come up with a reasonable timeframe that works for you financially and emotionally.
posted by citron at 8:57 AM on March 10, 2013
I really think getting away from a dysfunctional environment that takes up so much of your headspace would give you the opportunity to take a fresh look at your goals and come up with a reasonable timeframe that works for you financially and emotionally.
posted by citron at 8:57 AM on March 10, 2013
Response by poster: Wow, thank you all so much! I can't believe the influx of support and great advice I'm getting on here.
To provide some more info:
I have a degree in Psych, so my employment prospects aren't great in that field. I work in a dental office and make $15/hour-- that figure would cap out at about $18/hour.
I will keep working while taking my pre-requisites, but probably for fewer hours a week. I want to start classes this summer, but that would require 5 days a week of coursework, so I'm not sure if I can manage it. IF I were to move out, I could spread the classes out over a longer period of time-- part of the appeal of starting in the summer is to get me closer to my end-goal ASAP (away from parents + dental school).
All of my relatives live overseas and cannot support me financially. My parents are immigrants.
My credit could use improvement. I've got about $3000 in CC debt, but I have started to pay that down by a few hundred a month since I started working, so hopefully that'll help my score.
My parents are terrible at managing their money so it is hard to talk with them about solid numbers and figures, how much they can contribute, etc. My dad has a respectable job and makes good money, but they have a lot of debt. Therefore, I think they could only contribute a couple thousand a semester. My dad also makes payments to my credit cards every month. I'm a bit of a compulsive shopper, but I have been making a concerted effort to pay off my credit cards.
I live and work on Long Island, and the schools I'm looking at are all in the CUNY system to ensure affordability. The other school I'm looking at is in Boston, but the tuition and cost of living would shake out to be about the same as living in NY.
posted by DayTripper at 10:41 AM on March 10, 2013
To provide some more info:
I have a degree in Psych, so my employment prospects aren't great in that field. I work in a dental office and make $15/hour-- that figure would cap out at about $18/hour.
I will keep working while taking my pre-requisites, but probably for fewer hours a week. I want to start classes this summer, but that would require 5 days a week of coursework, so I'm not sure if I can manage it. IF I were to move out, I could spread the classes out over a longer period of time-- part of the appeal of starting in the summer is to get me closer to my end-goal ASAP (away from parents + dental school).
All of my relatives live overseas and cannot support me financially. My parents are immigrants.
My credit could use improvement. I've got about $3000 in CC debt, but I have started to pay that down by a few hundred a month since I started working, so hopefully that'll help my score.
My parents are terrible at managing their money so it is hard to talk with them about solid numbers and figures, how much they can contribute, etc. My dad has a respectable job and makes good money, but they have a lot of debt. Therefore, I think they could only contribute a couple thousand a semester. My dad also makes payments to my credit cards every month. I'm a bit of a compulsive shopper, but I have been making a concerted effort to pay off my credit cards.
I live and work on Long Island, and the schools I'm looking at are all in the CUNY system to ensure affordability. The other school I'm looking at is in Boston, but the tuition and cost of living would shake out to be about the same as living in NY.
posted by DayTripper at 10:41 AM on March 10, 2013
If you are a compulsive shopper with 40k in student loan debts and a $15/hour salary, I'm not sure moving out is financially feasible unless you live with roommates. So your first task is to find some roommates to live with.
posted by twblalock at 12:19 PM on March 10, 2013
posted by twblalock at 12:19 PM on March 10, 2013
I've got about $3000 in CC debt, but I have started to pay that down by a few hundred a month since I started working,
You should be bringing home something like $400 per week after tax, if you are working 35 hours at $15/hour. What else are you spending money on - are you still having trouble with compulsive shopping? If you're not paying rent, not buying groceries and you say barely even going out, I would expect you have at least $1000/month discretionary cash (probably more). I'd suggest $500 to credit cards, $400 to moving-out-savings, and $100 to student loans (to cover interest), and as much extra as possible also going either to cards or savings. In six months you should have no credit card debt and a few thousand in savings.
Do you pay anything for your own health care or do your parents cover it? Do you have and pay for your own car? Would either of these change if you moved out? Would they still pay tuition fees if you move out? Would they still pay towards your credit cards if you moved out?
I think it would be good for you to start investigating all of these options more actively. Have you started going to Al-Anon? Have you looked for any rooms available to rent in your neighbourhood, or near your school? If you can calculate your actual expenses if you were to move out, you could make a much better informed decision. Say you go looking around for a room to rent and find somewhere nearby for $300/month, and you work out you'd also be spending $300/month on groceries, you'd have to pay x in utilities, y in transport costs your parents would no longer cover, and you'd be left with (making it up) $500 month to go towards tuition, student loan and your credit cards if you never spent money going out socialising. That might be worth doing. But if the numbers came out a little differently and you'd be spending $1500 per month on rent/food/bills/transport, and your parents were not going to be contributing to anything, then you'd be unable to afford your classes without more loans, barely paying interest on your credit card debt, and basically just digging yourself deeper into a financial hole.
posted by jacalata at 1:09 PM on March 10, 2013 [1 favorite]
You should be bringing home something like $400 per week after tax, if you are working 35 hours at $15/hour. What else are you spending money on - are you still having trouble with compulsive shopping? If you're not paying rent, not buying groceries and you say barely even going out, I would expect you have at least $1000/month discretionary cash (probably more). I'd suggest $500 to credit cards, $400 to moving-out-savings, and $100 to student loans (to cover interest), and as much extra as possible also going either to cards or savings. In six months you should have no credit card debt and a few thousand in savings.
Do you pay anything for your own health care or do your parents cover it? Do you have and pay for your own car? Would either of these change if you moved out? Would they still pay tuition fees if you move out? Would they still pay towards your credit cards if you moved out?
I think it would be good for you to start investigating all of these options more actively. Have you started going to Al-Anon? Have you looked for any rooms available to rent in your neighbourhood, or near your school? If you can calculate your actual expenses if you were to move out, you could make a much better informed decision. Say you go looking around for a room to rent and find somewhere nearby for $300/month, and you work out you'd also be spending $300/month on groceries, you'd have to pay x in utilities, y in transport costs your parents would no longer cover, and you'd be left with (making it up) $500 month to go towards tuition, student loan and your credit cards if you never spent money going out socialising. That might be worth doing. But if the numbers came out a little differently and you'd be spending $1500 per month on rent/food/bills/transport, and your parents were not going to be contributing to anything, then you'd be unable to afford your classes without more loans, barely paying interest on your credit card debt, and basically just digging yourself deeper into a financial hole.
posted by jacalata at 1:09 PM on March 10, 2013 [1 favorite]
Best answer: Go find a student share over by wherever you're looking at taking your prereqs.
Seriously, you live in one of the easiest cities in the US to find an apartment share in, you have a job that pays a living wage, and your medium term plans (attend classes part-time at an affordable local educational institution) are perfectly consistent with you moving away from your parents and into a share with some roommates.
Just go do it. Why are we even still debating this?
posted by Sara C. at 2:36 PM on March 10, 2013
Seriously, you live in one of the easiest cities in the US to find an apartment share in, you have a job that pays a living wage, and your medium term plans (attend classes part-time at an affordable local educational institution) are perfectly consistent with you moving away from your parents and into a share with some roommates.
Just go do it. Why are we even still debating this?
posted by Sara C. at 2:36 PM on March 10, 2013
Best answer: In this environment your depression and anxiety are not going to get better and are going to hold you back and get in the way of your dreams. Don't let your family's problems become your life-long handicap.
I wanted to quote this again for truth. I was in a very similar position to you at your age, but for some reason, I believed I just had to suck it up and get my work done, like some kind of prison sentence. I believed that it was my responsibility to just deal with my family's dysfunction and be the better person emotionally. It didn't really work out that way. I did get my classes done and moved out, eventually, but those were some hard years and I'm still dealing with the emotional fallout. I can't help but feel like if I had just found some way, any way to move out, work hard to complete my goals, and spend most of my time around people of my age instead of my family with all their dysfunction, I would be better off now. Their dysfunction rubbed off on me and gave me my own problems, and they stay with me even now that I'm not around my family much anymore.
If you can find a way to move out, absolutely do it. You can't fix your family, and expecting yourself to simply be stoic and not engage with them is probably not possible and may be damaging to your self-image.
posted by malapropist at 6:35 PM on March 10, 2013 [4 favorites]
I wanted to quote this again for truth. I was in a very similar position to you at your age, but for some reason, I believed I just had to suck it up and get my work done, like some kind of prison sentence. I believed that it was my responsibility to just deal with my family's dysfunction and be the better person emotionally. It didn't really work out that way. I did get my classes done and moved out, eventually, but those were some hard years and I'm still dealing with the emotional fallout. I can't help but feel like if I had just found some way, any way to move out, work hard to complete my goals, and spend most of my time around people of my age instead of my family with all their dysfunction, I would be better off now. Their dysfunction rubbed off on me and gave me my own problems, and they stay with me even now that I'm not around my family much anymore.
If you can find a way to move out, absolutely do it. You can't fix your family, and expecting yourself to simply be stoic and not engage with them is probably not possible and may be damaging to your self-image.
posted by malapropist at 6:35 PM on March 10, 2013 [4 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
Get thee to Craigslist pronto.
posted by bananafish at 6:27 PM on March 9, 2013 [9 favorites]