post-breakup fallout

May 4, 2009 9:24 PM

Questions on post-breakup insomnia, anxiety, and making decisions about my future.

I'm a 26 year old female, coming out of a bad breakup. My ex and I were together for 5 years (living together since Sept), until he cheated on me while I was away visiting relatives. What was supposed to be a two-week stay with my sister has now been a month, and I'm being encouraged to consider settling down in my sister's city. My sister has a strong personality, and I've been appreciating her pushing me to work through this and apply for jobs. She would like to have me around (in part, I think, b/c I'm a bit of a project for her - which I appreciate at the moment, as I've got no drive of my own), but she's incredibly busy in her own grad program. It has been a rough few weeks though, and I'm finding I can't cope with looking for work, finding an apartment, and planning for a future that up till 2 weeks ago I thought I would share with the love of my life.

I was unemployed while living with my boyfriend, having recently graduated from an MA program in a not terribly useful field. My university is in a different country, so I can't simply move back and try to find work there, where I'd be comfortable. I moved down to be with him, after years of a long-distance relationship - my end goal was to get into a library program, but I didn't apply for next year as both he and I were planning to go abroad next year. The unemployment was unpleasant, but I thought temporary.

My family and friends have been wonderful, and very supportive of me. I couldn't ask for more from them. Which makes me upset that I have to continue asking for more - I've been with my sister and her husband for so long already, and I know they'd like their lives back. But without a job, and being thrown out of my apartment, and not having any savings of my own, I'm at a loss for what else to do.

I've been looking for jobs in this city, as well as another where I have a few friends (on the other coast). Nothing's come through. My sister is encouraging me to take a retail job and get my own sublet, to get some of my independence back, and I think I'd like to, only I'm incredibly anxious about moving out here. In this city, I only have her and her husband, and I'm worried about relying on them too much. I'm also incredibly awkward socially, and the thought of living with strangers is a bit daunting after how comfortable I had been on my own and then with my boyfriend.

Also, I think my indecisiveness about where to live and what to do is not being helped by my insomnia. Ever since this happened, two weeks ago, I've been waking up every night at 2:30, usually staying awake till 6 and then getting another hour or two (if I'm lucky) before I get up for good. At night, as soon as I wake up, I relive everything about my relationship, thinking on all the details of our lives together, and how my current situation simply isn't possible. And then I relive, over and over again, the cold way he told me it was over, that he found someone new, that he wanted my stuff packed and out of the house.

He has become another person altogether. While he was sweet and supportive while we were together (5 years is a long time, I had grown to trust him more than anyone), he's now nothing but callous to me. A week after the breakup, I had a friend write to him trying to work out how my stuff would be retrieved. He wrote back that he intended to keep half of the furniture I had brought with me from my previous apartment, that he would not pay back the money we had borrowed from my mother to pay rent ($2000), and that he wanted my stuff out as soon as possible. My sister thinks I should just write off all that as a loss - our parents had a terrible divorce, and she'd rather see me cut all ties and move on than live with that kind of extended animosity.

I'm trying to get over this as best I can, and move on with my life. I'm trying to tell myself that I've just graduated from my grad program this month, and am now looking for work in the two cities where I know people, my sister in one and friends in the other. I've started running. I'm trying to think of practicalities instead of emotions (eg: if I stay here, in my sister's town, I'll be eligible for in-state residency & tuition in 1 year, and the uni here has a fantastic library program). As much as I want to crawl up in a ball and pray that all of this never happened, I know that I have to deal with it.

So, my questions are complex and multiple. With no job to distract me, how can I move on from a breakup? Should I stay in a city I don't know (and now associate with this breakup), where I might potentially, eventually begin a library program? Or do I get on a flight, go back to my home coast (closer to him) and move in with friends (who will only be living there for a year)? Is it better to start over and be potentially isolated, or to go back and continue being stuck in a temporary position?

But if you can only answer one question it'd be this: How can I start sleeping through the night again?

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posted by anonymous to human relations (23 comments total)

Oh, darlin', only one month after a breakup is nothing in terms of recovery.

It's important that you're trying to push yourself into doing other things, but I also get the sense that you're trying to push yourself into FEELING over him already - and that's just not going to happen. And that may be part of what's fueling the insomnia -- you are squelching all the very natural post-breakup feelings that suck to go through, but they are important to go through. Of course you relive everything, and of course you're hurt and betrayed -- you were with him for YEARS, and you only broke up with him a month ago.

I would try taking a big deep breath and letting yourself just feel whatever it is you're feeling in the moment, without worrying about all the other gazillion life things you've got going on unless you have to. You may find that you end up having a few days of being a total screaming mess, but...you kind of need to do that, and I sense that you're trying to stop yourself FROM doing that and trying to snap out of it in a hurry because of all the other stuff weighing on you -- but the only way to get past this is through it.

Venting and expressing some of those emotions will help you cope better with all the other crap, I promise. Yes, you have a HUGE amount of other logistical problems on your plate, and yes they are important to deal with, but tending to your emotional self will let you tend to that other stuff as well. Your head's in a chaotic state right now, partly because things are chaotic -- but partly, I suspect, because you're trying to suppress your emotional reaction because you're trying to be strong and pull it together. But that emotional reaction has to come out, and it's going to confound things until you do, so letting it happen will get it out of the way so you can finally think about "what do I do about college" with a clearer head.

Good luck.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 9:37 PM on May 4 [1 favorite has favorites]

These things take time. Two weeks isn't enough time to truly begin moving ahead. Everything you're experiencing sounds normal, if painful.

Your sister sounds right about a lot of things, the least of which is your stuff. Just forget it about it. It's less to move anyway and the less you have to interact with this guy the better.

There will be time for introspection months, maybe even years from now. For right now you need to focus on taking care of yourself, making sure you maintain healthy habits (or adopt them if you haven't) and move forward.

I can't say for sure what you should do about moving here or there (as I'm kind of confused about your current location) but I would say that you should go wherever there are opportunities for you to build an independent life. Maybe that means you lean on the sister for support for a while, maybe it means you follow job prospects, etc. You'll figure it out, but hey, it's just moving. If it doesn't work out, you can always moving again! There are very few choices we can make in life which can't be changed or re-thought.

How can I start sleeping through the night again?

Some restlessness is to be expected. You can counteract it with exercise and/or drugs. Cut out caffeine. Over the counter sleep aids are reasonably safe and generally speaking it may only take a few days and nights of steady sleep to break you out of this habit. Everyone's sleep becomes screwy every now and then during such events. Also, there is no reason why you shouldn't talk to a doctor about this, whether the solution is a sleep aide or not, you'll find something that works.

Hang in there!
posted by wfrgms at 9:40 PM on May 4 [2 favorites has favorites]

You need to make a deal with him: you will trade your furniture for him promising to never, ever call you again.

This guy is a jerk. A-1

It is a good sign you are not sleeping, difficult, but good. It means you are actually suffering instead of denying, or worse.

You suffered a trauma you didn't deserve. Remember that as you are going to be reliving the pain for this short time.

The secret is you have X amount of pain to get through here. You can postpone it with drugs, alcohol, or acting out. But you must feel bad, you can't escape it. So I advise going through it at the speed it comes, which is usually fast and furious if you're doing it right. So to sleep through the night quicker, think it through when it comes. Write out how you feel. Actively work on the pain.

Him being a douche totally makes me think that the only flaw you have is picking total douches for boyfriends. Attend to that via therapy.

Go to the place with the best job market. Get on your feet, then move wherever you want to.
posted by Ironmouth at 9:46 PM on May 4 [1 favorite has favorites]

You are unemployed, but you say that you are just graduating from your master's program this year. Most universities require that students have some sort of health insurance, so I'm going to recommend going to a doctor (yes, you are in a new city and it will be terribly inconvenient to find one, but it's something for you to do!) and getting a prescription for Ambien. If you worry about the cost of a prescription, most psychiatrists can give you a ton of free samples for the asking.

Also, even if you don't have private insurance, as long as you are still enrolled at your university, you can take advantage of their student health services--call, explain your situation, and a doctor will be able to phone in a prescription for you (make sure to establish an account with a local pharmacy beforehand, and have their phone number handy). I know this because I've been there.

I got a prescription when, five years ago, ex-boyfriend and I broke up. Every time I would go to sleep, I'd dream that everything was all right, and then over the course of a few terrible minutes every morning I would realize that I was on my own all over again. I was, quite literally, afraid of sleeping, and Ambien helped tremendously.

Also, you seem to be handling this better than most--you're already doing everything right. This too shall pass.
posted by halogen at 9:50 PM on May 4

After my last difficult breakup, I had sleeping troubles too. They will eventually pass, but in the meantime, fill the time with something other than thoughts of the ex. Get books to read (maybe something related to your future library program plans?). Get crosswords to do. Take up a quiet hobby (knitting? drawing?) that you can do at night. Me, I started reading way too much Metafilter.

Find a method to get those thoughts about the ex out of your head; for me I used a small journal and filled pages of it. You might also try talking it out with friends and/or a counselor. Punching pillows would be appropriate too.

Otherwise it sounds like you're doing the right things (getting physical exercise, looking for work, trying to deal with technical aspects like getting your stuff back, relying on your friends/family but trying not to overload them). Keep it up, this too shall pass (although the appropriate time scale for that is likely multiple months rather than just two weeks).
posted by nat at 9:51 PM on May 4

Your sister and family may want to go back to their normal lives, but they do understand that you got the rug pulled out from under you in every way and you couldn't move out tomorrow if you wanted to. Keep on job hunting in anything you can (retail included), but right now, you can't really speed up the moving out process. Wherever you go, I definitely think you need a support system nearby, so living in sister's town if you get a job there doesn't sound bad to me. It actually sounds pretty good to me, since it's not associated with Your Life Before the way the other coast might be, and it helps to know you won't run into the ex there. And odds are your sister isn't likely to pull up stakes and leave the way your friends sound like they will in a year. But realistically, whatever town you get a job in will probably determine it for you since you have no savings. Just keep job hunting where you have people.

Your ex is a colossal ass to pull this shit on you. (And yeah, you're not getting your stuff back short of sending in a burglar.) It will, however, help you to get over him in the long run since he burned that bridge so thoroughly. But yeah, after five years you're going to be in agony for quite awhile, I'm sorry. It'll take time. Lean on people, slowly try to get your own life, and eventually you'll look back on this dick and say, "Wow, I can't believe I went for that guy."
posted by jenfullmoon at 9:52 PM on May 4

Volunteer, volunteer, volunteer. Find a cause or an organization that you feel passionate about and find out a way to help. You'll meet people as friends and for networking, it will keep you busy and it will give you something positive in your life to feel good about. Also exercise keeps your endorphins up and will probably help you sleep better.
posted by easy_being_green at 9:53 PM on May 4

Oh, hey there! This sounds eerily like a question from myself half a year ago, when my previously-loving ex-boyfriend kicked me to the curb in a seriously cold-hearted way and morphed into a completely different person who wanted nothing whatsoever to do to me, essentially overnight. It basically nearly destroyed me at the time. I am familiar with the insomnia, and the weird drifting "Wait, what is going on? What am I doing?" feeling of just moving through the day. This feeling of wandering through the wreckage of what used to be your familiar everyday life will pass. You will keep pushing and pushing through the days, moving on with your new life one day at a time, until you have a new, better, equally familiar everday life, and one day it will sort of hit you that you feel good and like your old self again. The whole key, I think, is going easy on yourself right now and giving yourself time to heal. I applaud you for trying to think through some strategic life choices right now in a clear-headed, objective way--I know it isn't easy when emotions are running so high. To that end, my advice:

1) You are lucky to have loving family support at the moment. Are your friends in the other city on the opposite coast as supportive? Are you as close? Will the social pluses of being in near proximity to that friend group during this tough time outweigh the potential accumulated benefits of practical/emotional support from your family, in-state tuition, and the chance to attend this top-notch library program? Furthermore, is it worth those social pluses to uproot yourself now during this tough time, then potentially uproot yourself again in the near future when you want to start grad school? These are factors that only you can weigh, but if I were in your shoes, I might consider the potential benefits of giving myself some time to just be for awhile, staying in one place, relaxing, re-centering, and just practicing being happy on your own for awhile. This could be a good opportunity to get solidly on your own two feet in a good strategic location for school.

2) Re: grad school, congratulations on your decision to attend library school! I'm just graduating from my own library program this semester, and I will echo what every single MLS graduate/librarian I spoke to when entering school told me: you need as much work experience as you can get before you graduate with that degree. Start thinking about this now. Your sister's suggestion of a retail job is a great one, but have you also considered looking for a library job to get some good experience in the field and your foot in the door right now? I don't know what your current experience level is, but even a page job at the local public or university library would be excellent. From a strategic point of view, working at the library at the university which offers the grad program you're looking at (even in a volunteer position) starting right now could be a fantastic way to make some contacts in the library who can recommend you for the MLS program later on, work experience aside. Huge bonus: this kind of rewarding work could distract you and keep your time occupied, could help you meet new, like-minded friends (seriously), and could also help give you something enjoyable to look forward to that makes you feel good about the bright new future you're working toward on your own. Even if it's just a day or two a week.

I hope this helps! If you want to talk about anything with somebody who sympathizes--terrible breakups or planning for library school after an MA--feel free to memail me. I've been there, and I've got those tshirts.

P.S. Sorry this turned into a novel.
posted by sarabeth at 9:53 PM on May 4

I got a prescription when, five years ago, ex-boyfriend and I broke up. Every time I would go to sleep, I'd dream that everything was all right, and then over the course of a few terrible minutes every morning I would realize that I was on my own all over again. I was, quite literally, afraid of sleeping, and Ambien helped tremendously.

------
This. what halogen said. I remember waking up each morning with the visceral sensation of a heavy slab of rock on my chest as I remembered the words "he left me". Entirely gone now, but it did seem to take months before the next phrase was "well, so he did. Wait, I have a date tonight. Nice. Okay - Breakfast time!"
posted by anitanita at 10:06 PM on May 4 [1 favorite has favorites]

How can I start sleeping through the night again?

Well, benadryl is sort of my go-to drug for insomnia: it's enough to make me drowsy, but it doesn't make me feel hungover the next day. That said, for lots of people, going through a big upheaval in your life is sort of bound to disrupt your sleep patterns for awhile, no matter what. The last time I went through a really wrenching breakup, I found that one of the things that at least made the insomnia not so unbearable to have at the ready a few positive mental images/goals/projects/etc. that did not involve my ex in any way whatsoever. So when I'd wake up at 4 in the morning yet again, I learned to start thinking of my writing projects or upcoming trips instead of brooding about him. It was a good way to train my mind to go to a soothing place, rather than a stressful one.
posted by scody at 10:24 PM on May 4 [2 favorites has favorites]

Final thought: My mom has a saying that goes something like "Never get a drastic haircut when you're having a bad day." Translation: Don't make big life choices that are hard to undo when you aren't 100%. Maybe sitting tight and recuperating right now wouldn't be the world's worst thing.
posted by sarabeth at 10:26 PM on May 4 [4 favorites has favorites]

Get a bottle of the Wal*Mart version of Benadryl. It'll cost ~4 bucks. That will get you sleeping again. Think positive thoughts & look to the future. Don't dwell on the past. Everything will work out in time.
posted by torquemaniac at 11:51 PM on May 4

Back where I was after (or rather ‘during’) a horrible breakup, I wanted to deal with this parasympathetic nervous system response by exhausting it. The thinking behind it was: since you honestly cannot stop your brain from wondering, maybe your tired body can.

The way to do it is most probably very different and dependent on personality. Think of what could help you get through the day – one hour at a time, one day at a time, one 2.30-6.00 portion of the night at a time – but not to push it all in the background, only to incrementally decrease.

I doubled and tripled the distance to run each morning. It did not work the way intended: no matter how much, I could not get exhausted through exercise (this was the surprising part). However I learned to properly run, and was happy with my body as a result. This spring I had to redraw the map of forest paths where I run – if I take the same itinerary, I get a dose of negative emotions. But back then it did help to have the routine, exactly same timing for the run, exactly same route every day. I am a fan of Sarabeth’s idea above: to not make drastic changes. Especially to not do anything destructive: you are on a good path!

It also helped me to compartmentalize the whole situation (as much as I could, this is normally what men do much better), and think that what was going on was a whack reaction with all the hormones and chemicals produced because of a prolonged stress. Suffering is real. And yet it is propelled by these mechanisms in-built into us by biology. I tried to see, as objectively as I could, what would remain of my psychological state if this ‘mechanism’ was removed from the equation.

For the finals… He wouldn’t have wanted this same done to him. What a clown.
posted by Jurate at 12:37 AM on May 5

Agreed that exercise can be really good. Running, yoga, or something similar.

When I went through my last really painful breakup (wow, almost a decade ago... had to believe) I played a lot of video games. It might sound dumb but the repeated actions of shooting aliens and such was both really satisfying and super distracting.

Remember that although you shouldn't make any decisions for the long term, it's perfectly reasonable to make a short-term decision-- i.e. I will stay here for six months, get a job, and see how I like it.
posted by miss tea at 4:31 AM on May 5

I think staying close to family is the best idea. Your sister probably loves and cares for you more than anybody right now and she and her husband are a much needed support system.

I think finding a retail job and applying for a program in your sister's city sounds very smart. Your sister and brother-in-law sound like caring, decent people and will shelter you (physically and emotionally) in this rough time.

Your heart is broken and it will take some time to recover. It is important that you take care of yourself as much as possible. Proper self-care such as getting some exercise, eating three meals, and doing comforting things you enjoy (reading good books, going for walks in nature, spending time with animals, listening to good music, cooking good meals for yourself and your sister and brother-in-law) are essential. The sleep will probably improve as your heart heals and your physical activity increases. Be very kind to yourself and good luck. You're going to make it.
posted by Fairchild at 4:53 AM on May 5 [1 favorite has favorites]

Not to mention finding a job will preoccupy your thoughts and introduce you to people.
posted by Fairchild at 4:54 AM on May 5

You can get a part-time job right now without making any commitment to staying in the area. Get some money, give some to your sister to compensate for staying there, save the rest. You'll meet some people and get out of the house. Your family sounds great - spend a summer re-connecting with them and make your decisions in the fall.

I would recommend that you seriously think about what you want from your old apartment and take a friend or family member there with you to get it. While avoiding your (asshole!!!) ex may seem like a good idea, you're going to kick yourself for not getting at least some of your stuff back. Do it now - you'll be amazed at how much better you will feel after standing up to him.
posted by The Light Fantastic at 8:25 AM on May 5 [1 favorite has favorites]

lunesta
posted by debbie_ann at 8:42 AM on May 5

Wow, I went through something very similar to you, too. So, here's what seemed to work for me:

I'm not much of a drinker, so I found that having a glass of beer every day helped me whenever my heart started pounding from anxiety. It helped me concentrate and it helped me sleep. I weaned myself off caffeine too, which also reduced my anxiety--I'm still very happy about this.

Furthermore, I found that being as present as I could be--by being aware of my immediate surroundings and what I was presently doing--helped a lot. All those negative thoughts and feelings about your partner and your breakup will pull you from the here-and-now and into your head, where you can cycle around endlessly in miserable thoughts. In fact, I found that by being stupider from beer (just a glass) helped me focus on the here and now and on the problems that I needed to solve right then, like tying my shoes or polishing my resume. Beer: helps you be zen.

I also found that having small things to look forward to helped me get through the day. Things such as a bowl of ice cream (that I would plan to eat later in the day), a good read, or a day trip somewhere interesting. You might find it hard to enjoy anything for a little while, but when you start feeling pleasure again, little things will provide comfort.

Finally, while I agree you shouldn't be making Big Life Decisions right now, it doesn't hurt to start brainstorming about plans for your future. Knowing that I had lots of options in life helped me feel much better about my present situation. And having some distant goals to work towards kept me busy and eventually gave me pleasure by giving me something to look forward to.
posted by blisterpack at 10:01 AM on May 5

Just addressing the insomnia facet of your question - Sonata is another great prescription sleep aid. It has an extremely short half-life (one to three hours) so it can be taken when you wake up in the middle of the night and can't get back to sleep. A Sonata in the middle of the night makes me less groggy than an Ambien at bedtime, and more guaranteed to get a full night's sleep to boot.
posted by rhiannon at 9:47 PM on May 5

Stick with the running! Work up to a point where you start to recognize that endorphin high- and remember the 'good' you feel about yourself when you feel it. Make sure you don't run yourself into an injury, buy some good shoes (shop therapy for good running shoes is a GREAT investment), set a few goals or work up to an event. Look for opportunities to socialize with others while doing it- some of the best 'getting over it' conversations I've had have been on a meditative run with another sympathetic soul and all we've exchanged are just a few words.

You will feel better about yourself, and the regularity of that time you've set aside each day can feel very grounding, can be a way to meet new people, clears your head, and your body will want to sleep soundly.

This doesn't address the thought patterns you're having in the middle of the night, which is a cycle of worry/analysis which you can work over and over without growing or changing a thing. The problem is that a big part of you _wants_ to think about that, and you're going to have to figure out how to create something that that part of you will want to think about instead- a new interest, a job, a goal... if you're depressed, this new thing won't easily reveal itself to you and you may just have to stick a placeholder and there and do all you can to discipline the negative thought (especially in the late evenings) until you find something that is 'real' to you.

However you spend the day- try to plan ahead to end it in a way conducive to sleep (good conversations, no chocolate/sugar binges),etc. Alcohol, over/under the counter drugs, food... might feel good in the moment- but deep down feed a 'you' that probably doesn't resemble your best self.
posted by iiniisfree at 10:37 PM on May 5

By food, I mean- the 'binge'/unhealthy junk. Eating healthy and meals with family/friends are strongly recommended! I've also taken 2 tylenol PM when my advice above didn't work on myself... but knowing how rapidly I glom onto habits I sure try to stay off the 'crutches'. You probably have a sense as to how susceptible you are to habit/addiction- just pay attention to whether you're feeding you or your little inner monster :).
posted by iiniisfree at 10:48 PM on May 5

Here's some music recommendations for those early morning crazy-making hours of insomnia. Drink warm milk, or herbal tea. Chamomile, lavendar, valerian... these teas could help you sleep. Stretch. Draw. Journal it all out. Cry your guts out. I recommend crying in the shower if you feel like really letting it out and you don't want people to hear.

My family and friends have been wonderful, and very supportive of me. I couldn't ask for more from them. Which makes me upset that I have to continue asking for more - I've been with my sister and her husband for so long already, and I know they'd like their lives back.

I would mention this to them. They might not be thinking that, and if they're not, it would be really good for you to hear it. You might be thinking they're getting resentful, when really they're getting more concerned for you and wondering how they can be more helpful.

I'm trying to get over this as best I can, and move on with my life.

Gently, gently. Start to think about that 8 months from now. Give yourself time to grieve. Is there an interim plan you can think of where it would be safe for you to find a mindless job, hang out with friends and family, and get back into a better sleeping pattern and a clearer head space? If you had just been through a terrible car accident, no one would expect you to be back on your feet yet. Give yourself time. You're worth it.
posted by heatherann at 3:22 PM on May 6