going against the norm...
March 9, 2013 6:41 PM Subscribe
What have been your positive experiences of being/having an only child?
Husband and I have a 2 year old daughter that we love the shit out of. We are pretty sure that we don't want any more kids. I have no desire to have another. I won't go into all the reasons, suffice to say that I understand "you can't have it all" and there are too many other things I/we want that conflict with having any more children. I feel pretty resolved about that decision.
However... I am amazed at how panicky I feel about going against the social norm in this context. Usually I am not at all bothered by going against social norms, (in fact I pride myself on it :) but for some reason, I'm finding this a challenge. Basically, all my friends either have two kids or are planning their second. I don't have a single friend who is, like us, into the idea of just having one. It is just "abnormal" to only have one in my social world. I'm embarrassed to say that I'm feeling anxious about making a decision that noone else seems to be making!
Also, I am one of four kids, and I had a great time being part of a big family. My mum was an only child and longed for a sibling. I don't think my daughter will be badly off, because we have lots of friends, and my husband and I know we can give her a good life. She is an extremely happy, easy-going child.
I'm just interested in hearing from other folks who've decided to have one and are further down the track than me, and happy with their decision. Did you feel pressured by social norms to have another one? How did you get past that?
Or folks who are only children and had a positive experience. What opportunities were open to you that were not open to people with siblings? Did/do you have good relationships with your parents?
Husband and I have a 2 year old daughter that we love the shit out of. We are pretty sure that we don't want any more kids. I have no desire to have another. I won't go into all the reasons, suffice to say that I understand "you can't have it all" and there are too many other things I/we want that conflict with having any more children. I feel pretty resolved about that decision.
However... I am amazed at how panicky I feel about going against the social norm in this context. Usually I am not at all bothered by going against social norms, (in fact I pride myself on it :) but for some reason, I'm finding this a challenge. Basically, all my friends either have two kids or are planning their second. I don't have a single friend who is, like us, into the idea of just having one. It is just "abnormal" to only have one in my social world. I'm embarrassed to say that I'm feeling anxious about making a decision that noone else seems to be making!
Also, I am one of four kids, and I had a great time being part of a big family. My mum was an only child and longed for a sibling. I don't think my daughter will be badly off, because we have lots of friends, and my husband and I know we can give her a good life. She is an extremely happy, easy-going child.
I'm just interested in hearing from other folks who've decided to have one and are further down the track than me, and happy with their decision. Did you feel pressured by social norms to have another one? How did you get past that?
Or folks who are only children and had a positive experience. What opportunities were open to you that were not open to people with siblings? Did/do you have good relationships with your parents?
Ours is 7 and an only. He is also a happy kid. We put a lot of effort into making sure he gets playdates and social interaction with other kids. We don't feel the pressure you do, our friends have one or none. But for a long time we still struggled over the decision. Getting past it was mostly a matter of realizing how many more resources we have for him alone than we would for two, and that his welfare is more important than whatever another person might think. And it is really very common for couples to just stop at one..look outside your immediate circle, there are a lot more out there doing just fine.
posted by emjaybee at 6:59 PM on March 9, 2013
posted by emjaybee at 6:59 PM on March 9, 2013
Best answer: I'm not even as far down the parenting track as you--Baby Stomper is 17 months old--but we've decided that we only want one child, and I understand feeling this weird pressure to change your mind, even though we have very good reasons for stopping with one (career concerns, health, possible global climate disaster on the near horizon, etc.).
Stuff keeps going through my mind like, what if something happens to him? Won't I regret not having a "backup"child? (Which is a terrible reason for having a second child. Plus, I'd only be worrying about the dangers of life for TWO children.) Won't I miss having a little guy who's cuddly and needs me? What if he's lonely? What if he becomes all spoiled and bossy from being the only child and grandchild?
My husband is an only child, who never wanted siblings, and he seems much more settled with the decision to stop with one than I am. It's not even that parents or friends or anyone has directly pressured me to have another...it's all in my own head, filtering down as a combination of cultural norms and hormones. I'm periodically swerving toward this emotional state of WANT ANOTHER BABY NOW! and having to reason myself back to the decision to stop with one child. I remind myself all the time that another child will be a big, big drain on our resources; and that our family is quite happy as it is. I suppose I'll be more settled with this decision sometime soon, but until then I accept that I'll be conflicted, due to the subconscious drive to reproduce mostly.
posted by daisystomper at 7:01 PM on March 9, 2013
Stuff keeps going through my mind like, what if something happens to him? Won't I regret not having a "backup"child? (Which is a terrible reason for having a second child. Plus, I'd only be worrying about the dangers of life for TWO children.) Won't I miss having a little guy who's cuddly and needs me? What if he's lonely? What if he becomes all spoiled and bossy from being the only child and grandchild?
My husband is an only child, who never wanted siblings, and he seems much more settled with the decision to stop with one than I am. It's not even that parents or friends or anyone has directly pressured me to have another...it's all in my own head, filtering down as a combination of cultural norms and hormones. I'm periodically swerving toward this emotional state of WANT ANOTHER BABY NOW! and having to reason myself back to the decision to stop with one child. I remind myself all the time that another child will be a big, big drain on our resources; and that our family is quite happy as it is. I suppose I'll be more settled with this decision sometime soon, but until then I accept that I'll be conflicted, due to the subconscious drive to reproduce mostly.
posted by daisystomper at 7:01 PM on March 9, 2013
Growing up an only child was fine. There are a lot of upsides - you get all the attention, no sharing necessary, lots of love for me. Downsides - no built in playmates, when there is no one else to focus on it can get a bit smothering.
When I really wished I had a sibling is as my parents have aged. When my mom died, I really wanted someone to share the burden of all that entails (decisions, grief, helping my dad, etc.), but there wasn't anyone. Now that it's just my dad and I, I seriously dread having to go through losing him one day all alone.
I now often wish I had a large family. I envy my friends who have big family holidays, big family dinners, hanging out with siblings, etc.
posted by cecic at 7:03 PM on March 9, 2013 [19 favorites]
When I really wished I had a sibling is as my parents have aged. When my mom died, I really wanted someone to share the burden of all that entails (decisions, grief, helping my dad, etc.), but there wasn't anyone. Now that it's just my dad and I, I seriously dread having to go through losing him one day all alone.
I now often wish I had a large family. I envy my friends who have big family holidays, big family dinners, hanging out with siblings, etc.
posted by cecic at 7:03 PM on March 9, 2013 [19 favorites]
I'm an only child. I don't regret it. (I do regret having dysfunctional parents, but I don't think having siblings would have made a difference.) The other only children I've known as friends, acquaintances, and kids of friends all seem very well adjusted and aren't eating their hearts out over not having a sibling. I occasionally hear "gosh, it would have been nice to have a brother/sister to do things with" but never "If only I had a sibling my life would have been SO! MUCH! BETTER!"
My observations as an adult only child:
- Plenty of folks who have siblings are estranged from them or don't get along with them - my dad and his brother spoke maybe once or twice in twenty years. Having another child is no guarantee that they will love one another.
- Making an effort to keep your child in the family loop with her cousins and the children of family friends is important. My mom did a terrible job with this and that is one thing she could have done better. She was Not Speaking to her dad's side of the family, so, between her and my dad Not Speaking to almost all of his family, I only got to know one set of cousins and their parents (my mom's brother, his wife and their kids - all either dead or estranged from me now, hah) who were not close to me in either age or outlook. Keep in touch with as much of your extended family as you can.
- My experiences with regards to having more opportunities and individual attention from my parents was the same as immlass. We weren't rich - merely middle-class - but with just me my parents could afford nice things. No private school or international travel, but other opportunities were there.
- I learned to amuse myself and not rely on other people to entertain me. I'm not afraid of doing stuff by myself, dining out in restaurants by myself, going places by myself, etc.
- This won't be for a long time, but now that I'm middle-aged and dealing with my mom being dead and my dad in a care home - being the only child to take care of things DOES have its upside. No acrimonious battles over Mom's estate or Dad's medical wishes. Managing Dad's care has gone so smoothly - we've talked about his wishes, I talk to doctors and do my best to see that they are carried out, everyone is happy, there are no fights. Some of the absolute worst family rifts I have ever seen have been over elder care and estates. And, of course, when it comes to elder care, even with siblings, there is no guarantee that the siblings will all pitch in to help.
If you want to stop at one child, then do so without guilt. One is great! Again, if you stay close to your extended family and friends and make sure your child has lots of opportunity to play with other kids and shore up her "chosen family" that is the optimal path for your only child and the ONE thing my parents did not do that I really, really regret.
posted by Rosie M. Banks at 7:07 PM on March 9, 2013 [12 favorites]
My observations as an adult only child:
- Plenty of folks who have siblings are estranged from them or don't get along with them - my dad and his brother spoke maybe once or twice in twenty years. Having another child is no guarantee that they will love one another.
- Making an effort to keep your child in the family loop with her cousins and the children of family friends is important. My mom did a terrible job with this and that is one thing she could have done better. She was Not Speaking to her dad's side of the family, so, between her and my dad Not Speaking to almost all of his family, I only got to know one set of cousins and their parents (my mom's brother, his wife and their kids - all either dead or estranged from me now, hah) who were not close to me in either age or outlook. Keep in touch with as much of your extended family as you can.
- My experiences with regards to having more opportunities and individual attention from my parents was the same as immlass. We weren't rich - merely middle-class - but with just me my parents could afford nice things. No private school or international travel, but other opportunities were there.
- I learned to amuse myself and not rely on other people to entertain me. I'm not afraid of doing stuff by myself, dining out in restaurants by myself, going places by myself, etc.
- This won't be for a long time, but now that I'm middle-aged and dealing with my mom being dead and my dad in a care home - being the only child to take care of things DOES have its upside. No acrimonious battles over Mom's estate or Dad's medical wishes. Managing Dad's care has gone so smoothly - we've talked about his wishes, I talk to doctors and do my best to see that they are carried out, everyone is happy, there are no fights. Some of the absolute worst family rifts I have ever seen have been over elder care and estates. And, of course, when it comes to elder care, even with siblings, there is no guarantee that the siblings will all pitch in to help.
If you want to stop at one child, then do so without guilt. One is great! Again, if you stay close to your extended family and friends and make sure your child has lots of opportunity to play with other kids and shore up her "chosen family" that is the optimal path for your only child and the ONE thing my parents did not do that I really, really regret.
posted by Rosie M. Banks at 7:07 PM on March 9, 2013 [12 favorites]
I am an only. We plan for our little bug to be an only.
I never though about having siblings when I was little. I was a very independent child turned independent adult. I think being an only broadened my imagination, made me self sufficient, and I am totally fine being alone. I wouldn't have it any other way.
We are choosing to be one and done for all the financial reasons previously stated & the personal reasons I gave. My husband is one of 2 but likes the idea of stopping with one.
posted by MayNicholas at 7:14 PM on March 9, 2013 [1 favorite]
I never though about having siblings when I was little. I was a very independent child turned independent adult. I think being an only broadened my imagination, made me self sufficient, and I am totally fine being alone. I wouldn't have it any other way.
We are choosing to be one and done for all the financial reasons previously stated & the personal reasons I gave. My husband is one of 2 but likes the idea of stopping with one.
posted by MayNicholas at 7:14 PM on March 9, 2013 [1 favorite]
I am only child and so is my fiance. Neither of us regrets growing up as only children. I enjoyed getting my parents' undivided attention, and as the only grandchild on both sides for a good while, I got a lot of attention from aunts, uncles and grandparents as well. I was definitely showered with affection. There were fewer financial constraints. I know that if I get into trouble my parents will definitely have my back, and moreover have the financial resources to back that up. I don't recall being particularly lonely as a child -- I had plenty of friends, and loved to retreat into the world of books in any case. I enjoyed talking to adults early and would join in on conversations on equal terms.
For my fiance the equation is somewhat different. His parents are divorced and his dad has remarried. His mom probably can't continue supporting herself independently for much longer. He knows that at some point in the future his mother is going to move near to where we live so he definitely keeps that in mind with all his decisions. My parents are fiercely independent at the moment, but they too will get old and a lot of responsibilities will fall on me -- but I don't think I'm really scared of it or resentful of it. They've done a lot for me and I expect to have to do a lot for them at some point. It's just something that my fiance and I have come to terms with.
posted by peacheater at 7:28 PM on March 9, 2013 [1 favorite]
For my fiance the equation is somewhat different. His parents are divorced and his dad has remarried. His mom probably can't continue supporting herself independently for much longer. He knows that at some point in the future his mother is going to move near to where we live so he definitely keeps that in mind with all his decisions. My parents are fiercely independent at the moment, but they too will get old and a lot of responsibilities will fall on me -- but I don't think I'm really scared of it or resentful of it. They've done a lot for me and I expect to have to do a lot for them at some point. It's just something that my fiance and I have come to terms with.
posted by peacheater at 7:28 PM on March 9, 2013 [1 favorite]
Also an only, and glad of it for many of the reasons listed above. I'm very glad to be able to entertain and rely on myself. I am getting nervous about parental care as they get older (they are divorced and geographically far from both me and from each other), and every situation has downsides, but overall I have never felt my life lacking for want of a sibling.
posted by PaulaSchultz at 7:33 PM on March 9, 2013
posted by PaulaSchultz at 7:33 PM on March 9, 2013
I'm with Rosie M. Banks on this. I think about 70% of the people I know with siblings are NOT warm and fuzzy with them. I know some folks who are super close and loving and awesome with theirs, but most people are just distant, estranged, or flat out hate theirs. Watching the sibling drama with my parents and their sisters alone sure as hell didn't make me crave the experience of having a sister who didn't really like me and was a drastically different personality. I don't miss having screaming fights with siblings at all. And I entertain myself very nicely.
The money issues are nice, I'm sure. I didn't have to take out student loans for college because my parents could afford me. More trips, more fun, less in-house drama with only 3 people fighting rather than 4 or 5 or worse.
The only things that suck about being an only are that (a) my mom would love grandchildren and I'm the asshole who doesn't want any, so she'll have to miss out on that, and (b) I'll be the only option for a caregiver and I suck at it. (But that would happen anyway--I have only known one person whose siblings helped when their parent was ill. It's always the kid nearest to the parent, especially if they're female.)
posted by jenfullmoon at 7:33 PM on March 9, 2013 [3 favorites]
The money issues are nice, I'm sure. I didn't have to take out student loans for college because my parents could afford me. More trips, more fun, less in-house drama with only 3 people fighting rather than 4 or 5 or worse.
The only things that suck about being an only are that (a) my mom would love grandchildren and I'm the asshole who doesn't want any, so she'll have to miss out on that, and (b) I'll be the only option for a caregiver and I suck at it. (But that would happen anyway--I have only known one person whose siblings helped when their parent was ill. It's always the kid nearest to the parent, especially if they're female.)
posted by jenfullmoon at 7:33 PM on March 9, 2013 [3 favorites]
Best answer: It's weird to me that whenever I hear versions of this question it's usually framed as depriving the child of the sibling experience, when of course the converse is also true - having siblings means your kid will never experience being an only child.
I was an only child until my early teens, and I remember being briefly jealous of others' siblinghood in elementary school just because I was kind of the odd one out for not having one, but overall I never really ached for one - nor do I feel now like my childhood before my sibling was empty or weird.
My mom was a stay-at-home mom when I was growing up, and we took a few road trips when I was young that was just her and me because my dad couldn't take the time off. I really love those memories and it would have been a totally different experience if she had been wrangling two kids by herself (or maybe she would have never done it in the first place with two kids!)
I guess this totally depends on the person, but my mom also had the energy & good grace to let me bring my best friend on several family camping trips, etc. so I'd have a playmate. Again, if I had a sibling, well, I would have had a sibling there, but again she probably would have been less likely to add another kid to the mix, and so I might have missed getting to have my friend be a big part of my family too.
posted by nakedmolerats at 7:49 PM on March 9, 2013 [6 favorites]
I was an only child until my early teens, and I remember being briefly jealous of others' siblinghood in elementary school just because I was kind of the odd one out for not having one, but overall I never really ached for one - nor do I feel now like my childhood before my sibling was empty or weird.
My mom was a stay-at-home mom when I was growing up, and we took a few road trips when I was young that was just her and me because my dad couldn't take the time off. I really love those memories and it would have been a totally different experience if she had been wrangling two kids by herself (or maybe she would have never done it in the first place with two kids!)
I guess this totally depends on the person, but my mom also had the energy & good grace to let me bring my best friend on several family camping trips, etc. so I'd have a playmate. Again, if I had a sibling, well, I would have had a sibling there, but again she probably would have been less likely to add another kid to the mix, and so I might have missed getting to have my friend be a big part of my family too.
posted by nakedmolerats at 7:49 PM on March 9, 2013 [6 favorites]
Best answer: I just asked my 9 year old daughter, and her response was "I have more peace at home than my friends with brothers and sisters have."
As an only child myself, I'd say that growing up, I really, really enjoyed all of the space and time I had to myself too. I read early and voraciously, and spent hours and hours daydreaming. I taught myself to cook, and I doodled and drew for hours. Even tonight my husband and daughter went to a movie, and I chose to stay home and putter around.
When I did want a sibling, I know now that I didn't want a younger one - I wanted a playmate.
For a time as a tween, I watched my friends with siblings and their relationships with a mixture of horror and envy. Imagine a longing to be held down and farted on by three hockey-playing cute older brothers who would teach you Monty Python Quotes and tickle you until you peed? Then I realized I could benefit from the hanging out there and laughing along, and then go home to a smelly feet-free existence.
My parents were fortunate enough to recognize that when I was a teen, it was smart to bring a friend with us on some vacations. I now appreciate how awkward it must have been to have a stranger's kid with them for a week, but now I see that they had some relief because I didn't have to wander around cities and amusement parks and cottages alone. No more standing in line for the roller coaster and hearing the carny call out "SINGLE!" and waiting to see who I'd get stuck with. We plan to do that for our daughter too. She gets lots of camps and activities and we do long road trips and we love the flexibility and portability of just one - but she'll have different needs soon, and my own experience will help me to meet them. I understand how important good friendships are to her, and I work really hard to support and cultivate them.
Now, at my age, with my parents aging and seeing what my husband's family is going through, I am both sad and glad I don't have siblings. I had to have a talk with mine about what I could reasonably be expected to do (what with living in another country and all) in caring for them (for example, they need to start shopping for their own care facilities.) My extended family is estranged, pretty much, and I feel for my daughter that she doesn't know that side - but then, they're estranged for good reasons so... but either way, I can't count on them. My husband's sisters and he were never that close, but their parents' illnesses brought us all together more often, at least. Having siblings is no guarantee of an affectionate, supportive relationship later in life.
Many, many of my friends have two and three. I see their lives are busier. They have twice the camp fees, twice the bills when we eat out, twice the movie ticket prices... it all adds up. One friend, whose children are almost five years apart, says it's more like having two only children. I see less of these friends because of this too, and that makes me feel left out. But then, that gives me more time for my daughter, and that is one of the things we enjoy most about having an only child - the luxury of time and togetherness.
Just before I turned 40, when my daughter was 5, I got pregnant - as an "oops!" - with twins. It was not a happy accident - it was rather devastating. We were finally getting comfortable. Things were finally getting easy. We knew very early on, and had some time to make decisions - mulling over whether or not having an only child was our choice, or merely what worked for us. Was this a gift? Fate? But in that time, I lost one, and the other was not doing so well. When it was no longer viable, we were so relieved; and now we know for sure it's the right decision for us.
posted by peagood at 7:56 PM on March 9, 2013 [9 favorites]
As an only child myself, I'd say that growing up, I really, really enjoyed all of the space and time I had to myself too. I read early and voraciously, and spent hours and hours daydreaming. I taught myself to cook, and I doodled and drew for hours. Even tonight my husband and daughter went to a movie, and I chose to stay home and putter around.
When I did want a sibling, I know now that I didn't want a younger one - I wanted a playmate.
For a time as a tween, I watched my friends with siblings and their relationships with a mixture of horror and envy. Imagine a longing to be held down and farted on by three hockey-playing cute older brothers who would teach you Monty Python Quotes and tickle you until you peed? Then I realized I could benefit from the hanging out there and laughing along, and then go home to a smelly feet-free existence.
My parents were fortunate enough to recognize that when I was a teen, it was smart to bring a friend with us on some vacations. I now appreciate how awkward it must have been to have a stranger's kid with them for a week, but now I see that they had some relief because I didn't have to wander around cities and amusement parks and cottages alone. No more standing in line for the roller coaster and hearing the carny call out "SINGLE!" and waiting to see who I'd get stuck with. We plan to do that for our daughter too. She gets lots of camps and activities and we do long road trips and we love the flexibility and portability of just one - but she'll have different needs soon, and my own experience will help me to meet them. I understand how important good friendships are to her, and I work really hard to support and cultivate them.
Now, at my age, with my parents aging and seeing what my husband's family is going through, I am both sad and glad I don't have siblings. I had to have a talk with mine about what I could reasonably be expected to do (what with living in another country and all) in caring for them (for example, they need to start shopping for their own care facilities.) My extended family is estranged, pretty much, and I feel for my daughter that she doesn't know that side - but then, they're estranged for good reasons so... but either way, I can't count on them. My husband's sisters and he were never that close, but their parents' illnesses brought us all together more often, at least. Having siblings is no guarantee of an affectionate, supportive relationship later in life.
Many, many of my friends have two and three. I see their lives are busier. They have twice the camp fees, twice the bills when we eat out, twice the movie ticket prices... it all adds up. One friend, whose children are almost five years apart, says it's more like having two only children. I see less of these friends because of this too, and that makes me feel left out. But then, that gives me more time for my daughter, and that is one of the things we enjoy most about having an only child - the luxury of time and togetherness.
Just before I turned 40, when my daughter was 5, I got pregnant - as an "oops!" - with twins. It was not a happy accident - it was rather devastating. We were finally getting comfortable. Things were finally getting easy. We knew very early on, and had some time to make decisions - mulling over whether or not having an only child was our choice, or merely what worked for us. Was this a gift? Fate? But in that time, I lost one, and the other was not doing so well. When it was no longer viable, we were so relieved; and now we know for sure it's the right decision for us.
posted by peagood at 7:56 PM on March 9, 2013 [9 favorites]
I'm an only child, and generally had a very good childhood -- lots of opportunities to participate in activities that might not have been possible with siblings, and a close relationship with my parents that continues to this day. However, I was very envious growing up (and, honestly, even now...) of my friends and cousins who had close relationships with their siblings. I do know my parents wanting another child, but that it didn't happen for health reasons.
All that said, I always figured I would have one kid - seemed like the right balance to have a child that I could provide abundant time, resources and opportunities, while not having to sacrifice as much on my own professional goals. But my partner, who are two siblings, wants 2 or 3 children, so I'm slowly shifting over to wanting two children.
posted by purplevelvet at 8:05 PM on March 9, 2013
All that said, I always figured I would have one kid - seemed like the right balance to have a child that I could provide abundant time, resources and opportunities, while not having to sacrifice as much on my own professional goals. But my partner, who are two siblings, wants 2 or 3 children, so I'm slowly shifting over to wanting two children.
posted by purplevelvet at 8:05 PM on March 9, 2013
I was an only child, and I have an only child. When I was a kid, I got to do a lot of things and take a lot of classes that my parents probably wouldn't have been able to afford if there were more than just me.
Frequently we'll get 4 tickets when we go to events and invite one of her friends to come with us. We'd be less likely to do that if we had more than one.
posted by mogget at 8:06 PM on March 9, 2013
Frequently we'll get 4 tickets when we go to events and invite one of her friends to come with us. We'd be less likely to do that if we had more than one.
posted by mogget at 8:06 PM on March 9, 2013
I am an only child. I am SO happy to be an only child. I am positive it is what has made me such an independent person. I have no issues with entertaining myself, going to a movie or bar alone, etc.
Also, from a practical perspective, things would have been SO financially tight if my parents had had another kid. I can't even imagine where I would be if there were siblings to compete for parental resources.
posted by joan_holloway at 8:33 PM on March 9, 2013
Also, from a practical perspective, things would have been SO financially tight if my parents had had another kid. I can't even imagine where I would be if there were siblings to compete for parental resources.
posted by joan_holloway at 8:33 PM on March 9, 2013
I wished I was an only child growing up!
We are open to another now that our son is your age... But not really.
I know equal amounts of "only one" parents and multiple child families. Everyone seems happy enough, but what do I know about what goes on behind closed doors?
The parents who have a lot of money with multiple children do seem less stressed out, on average.
Like the first comment from Immlass, I do a lot of cultural stuff with my son, plan to do more, and for certain there will be a lot of international travel in our future.
The thought of attempting to maintain my current lifestyle with two children scares the piss out of me when I contemplate it. We have no family nearby. I don't know how I would/will function.
In short, I think it is OK to buck the trend in your neighborhood! Do what makes your family happiest!!
Emotional resources were scarce for me growing up in a two sibling household. I truly desire that my son has an AWESOME childhood. My husband agrees. We probably won't have another. I do understand your dilemma, tho.
YMMV.
posted by jbenben at 8:33 PM on March 9, 2013
We are open to another now that our son is your age... But not really.
I know equal amounts of "only one" parents and multiple child families. Everyone seems happy enough, but what do I know about what goes on behind closed doors?
The parents who have a lot of money with multiple children do seem less stressed out, on average.
Like the first comment from Immlass, I do a lot of cultural stuff with my son, plan to do more, and for certain there will be a lot of international travel in our future.
The thought of attempting to maintain my current lifestyle with two children scares the piss out of me when I contemplate it. We have no family nearby. I don't know how I would/will function.
In short, I think it is OK to buck the trend in your neighborhood! Do what makes your family happiest!!
Emotional resources were scarce for me growing up in a two sibling household. I truly desire that my son has an AWESOME childhood. My husband agrees. We probably won't have another. I do understand your dilemma, tho.
YMMV.
posted by jbenben at 8:33 PM on March 9, 2013
I can actually sort of answer this from both sides, since my sister and I are 12 years apart, so I got to get into adolescence as an only child and then had a sibling. I never longed for one, for the record, or felt I was missing anything.
I got to have a lot more fun as an only child. I was pretty well behaved and herding one kid around was obviously logistically easier, so we did a lot more things and I got to do more fun grownup things, whereas with two kids everything was a compromise or a "lowest common denominator that will roughly amuse them both" rather than something one or the other wanted to do. My sister was much more rambunctious than I was, so all the sort-of-grownup experiences I'd had (thinking about things like really interesting museums that young-me would gobble up) were off the table with her around.
Likewise, as the family grew, the strain of two kids on the budget also meant there was less money. My mom and I had a number of really cool vacations, but when my sister came along, we didn't really do anything anymore. Some of that was obviously financial, but some of that was, like I said, she was much less likely to behave at "grownup" things and there were plenty of "kid" things to do where we lived, so why bother with the hassle of two kids in the car?
And, of course, there's the split in everything. Gifts become less personal and more about making sure everyone gets something "Fair" and there's no hurt feelings or crying or "you love him/her more!" It also cut down on spontaneous things, since everything has to be planned with two kids around, but you also have to way the fact of doing something really fun with one may lead to hurt feelings from the other. Like there were much fewer "Don't tell Dad about this" adventures just because if my sister found out there might be tears or interfamily drama or the constant showing-the-kids-we're-all-equal.
Like others are saying, I'm completely independent about everything simply because I had to be. If I wanted to make friends, I had to go out and make them. If they weren't around, I had to engage my imagination.
And of course everyone assumes that siblings will be friends forever and all that, whereas my sister and I don't talk at all. I don't mean it in the vindictive sense or anything, just that we're not close and never really were. I think my mom's always been disappointed because she assumed like you or everyone else we'd be really close and all that. Don't have kids under the starry eyed assumption they'll be best friends forever.
posted by Ghostride The Whip at 8:42 PM on March 9, 2013 [5 favorites]
I got to have a lot more fun as an only child. I was pretty well behaved and herding one kid around was obviously logistically easier, so we did a lot more things and I got to do more fun grownup things, whereas with two kids everything was a compromise or a "lowest common denominator that will roughly amuse them both" rather than something one or the other wanted to do. My sister was much more rambunctious than I was, so all the sort-of-grownup experiences I'd had (thinking about things like really interesting museums that young-me would gobble up) were off the table with her around.
Likewise, as the family grew, the strain of two kids on the budget also meant there was less money. My mom and I had a number of really cool vacations, but when my sister came along, we didn't really do anything anymore. Some of that was obviously financial, but some of that was, like I said, she was much less likely to behave at "grownup" things and there were plenty of "kid" things to do where we lived, so why bother with the hassle of two kids in the car?
And, of course, there's the split in everything. Gifts become less personal and more about making sure everyone gets something "Fair" and there's no hurt feelings or crying or "you love him/her more!" It also cut down on spontaneous things, since everything has to be planned with two kids around, but you also have to way the fact of doing something really fun with one may lead to hurt feelings from the other. Like there were much fewer "Don't tell Dad about this" adventures just because if my sister found out there might be tears or interfamily drama or the constant showing-the-kids-we're-all-equal.
Like others are saying, I'm completely independent about everything simply because I had to be. If I wanted to make friends, I had to go out and make them. If they weren't around, I had to engage my imagination.
And of course everyone assumes that siblings will be friends forever and all that, whereas my sister and I don't talk at all. I don't mean it in the vindictive sense or anything, just that we're not close and never really were. I think my mom's always been disappointed because she assumed like you or everyone else we'd be really close and all that. Don't have kids under the starry eyed assumption they'll be best friends forever.
posted by Ghostride The Whip at 8:42 PM on March 9, 2013 [5 favorites]
Technically, I'm not an only child, but my handicapped older half-brother didn't live with our family most of the time -- he was in group homes, hospitals, facilities, special summer camps. I don't call myself an only child, but I really identify with only children -- I was usually the only kid around our house, and felt quite comfortable on my own. Big families always seemed really chaotic and stressed out to me. Lots of fighting for attention and other resources. I've never related to people with big families. My boyfriend of 5 1/2 years is an only child, and I think that's a big part of why we get along so well.
I'm pretty sure children are out of the question for me, but if I were inclined to reproduce, I'd stop at one. (It's my uterus; it's my decision.)
posted by mirepoix at 9:22 PM on March 9, 2013
I'm pretty sure children are out of the question for me, but if I were inclined to reproduce, I'd stop at one. (It's my uterus; it's my decision.)
posted by mirepoix at 9:22 PM on March 9, 2013
I am a single mom of a single child (he is 23 now). I had not expected motherhood quite as early in my life as it arrived so taking care of one adult and one kid, working 2-4 jobs to make that happen, was about all I could manage. I love that I got to have a selfishly wonderful, funny, healthy relationship with my boy. I got to read all the stories I read at night in bed only with him. I got to be really clear and face-forward with one little person and I suspect I would have been strung way too thin had I more. I like that as a single mom with one kid I didn't have to make any future kids feel bad for having fewer photos other resources, etc. to offer them.
As one of five sibs I learned how to navigate the world by listening and watching my brother and sisters. I spent lots of time with kids, little time with grownups, and didn't figure out how to have relationships with grownups until much later in my life. I really like watching my son figure these things in a very different way than I did, I like it that he he's developed friendships early and independently.
There are a few things that I sigh over with the solo kid -- when he hit puberty he was not always completely lovely, and whenever we'd knock heads there was nobody else in the house to rant about what an awful, awful mother I was, and he was sometimes angry in demonstrative ways that I'm not sure would have been the case had he siblings to help release the steam. He sometimes found it a challenge to keep himself occupied because there was noone else to make up stupid games or interrupt him or sit on his head and fart ... though he has many cousins, all younger than him, and he's become a road marker for them as they're growing up ('I want to be like him when I get big').
If you're most comfortable having one child for heaven's sake have only one child. No explanations, no apologies, only lots of contentment and a very, very loved little family! I reckon the Duggars have more than made up for the whole balanced childbearing thing.
posted by mcbeth at 9:47 PM on March 9, 2013 [1 favorite]
As one of five sibs I learned how to navigate the world by listening and watching my brother and sisters. I spent lots of time with kids, little time with grownups, and didn't figure out how to have relationships with grownups until much later in my life. I really like watching my son figure these things in a very different way than I did, I like it that he he's developed friendships early and independently.
There are a few things that I sigh over with the solo kid -- when he hit puberty he was not always completely lovely, and whenever we'd knock heads there was nobody else in the house to rant about what an awful, awful mother I was, and he was sometimes angry in demonstrative ways that I'm not sure would have been the case had he siblings to help release the steam. He sometimes found it a challenge to keep himself occupied because there was noone else to make up stupid games or interrupt him or sit on his head and fart ... though he has many cousins, all younger than him, and he's become a road marker for them as they're growing up ('I want to be like him when I get big').
If you're most comfortable having one child for heaven's sake have only one child. No explanations, no apologies, only lots of contentment and a very, very loved little family! I reckon the Duggars have more than made up for the whole balanced childbearing thing.
posted by mcbeth at 9:47 PM on March 9, 2013 [1 favorite]
I am an only child and so is my fiance. I loved being an only child; so much so that I used to have dreams that my parents would tell me I was getting a sibling and I'd wake up crying. I got tons of attention, all the financial resources I needed so I could go to some great but expensive universities and some fun trips, both with my parents and with my schools. Being an only child gave me a chance to really bond with my parents; my friends often comment that we have one of the best relationships they've ever seen. I think this has made it very easy for me to make genuine friendships with people much older than me. I believe that I would not have been as well-behaved if I'd had a sibling, especially because I have a bit of a competitive nature. Only childhood gave me a chance to have some crucial alone time (which, if your child turns out to be an introvert, is essential; I'm not fully an introvert but it gave me a chance to explore and appreciate my introverted side); being left alone to read helped my intellectual development and made me more curious and introspective. I have no trouble making friends and have a rich social life.
Though any of these things can be true for a child with siblings as well, an only child can definitely have an amazing life. The only downside might be a bit more internal pressure to do well, as your parents' only progeny. The most important thing is that if you only want one child, you should only have one.
posted by ilana at 10:38 PM on March 9, 2013 [1 favorite]
Though any of these things can be true for a child with siblings as well, an only child can definitely have an amazing life. The only downside might be a bit more internal pressure to do well, as your parents' only progeny. The most important thing is that if you only want one child, you should only have one.
posted by ilana at 10:38 PM on March 9, 2013 [1 favorite]
For the past 10 years I've been a single parent raising an only child (she's now 15). I was one of 4 kids and I knew very few only children when I was growing up, but these days I don't think it's so unusual. Many of my daugher's friends at school are also only children. I don't know what the statistics are on this, but being an only child seems to be just as normal as having siblings.
I never felt serious pressure from friends or family to have more children. There may have been a few comments made in the early years, but they were easy to dismiss with "Our family is exactly the right size for us."
posted by kbar1 at 10:40 PM on March 9, 2013
I never felt serious pressure from friends or family to have more children. There may have been a few comments made in the early years, but they were easy to dismiss with "Our family is exactly the right size for us."
posted by kbar1 at 10:40 PM on March 9, 2013
Best answer: Only child here. If anyone gives you any stick over only having one, smile sweetly and say "quality over quantity".
Of course it doesn't mean that your child will necessarily turn out "better" but that your resources (time and money) do not need to be split and diluted. Picture the mother bird having to look after and feed 5 chicks versus one.
You can send one kid to tennis lessons etc whereas you might not be afford to send 2. I definitely had more opportunities like this than if I'd had a sibling. It's not even just the money, it's also the time spent chauffeuring and supervising practice or whatever.
Similarly, your attention doesn't get divided. You can devote whatever time the kid needs without having to balance it out with the other one, or worry that one will be neglected. I'm sure that whether your kid is gifted, struggling in school, or somewhere in between, the extra time and attention will be worthwhile. Be careful not to helicopter though!
I wasn't even aware that there was anything different about being an only until I kept getting asked a) what it was like and b) was I spoilt. I never experienced anything else so it was "well, it's just normal life for me".
I'm really close with my parents, but I don't know if I'd put that down to being an only child or just the nature of our family. I definitely got used to interacting with adults at a younger age, but I don't know if this is a good or bad thing...
You only asked for positives so I'm not giving downsides. Like with everything, there are some, memail me if you want my thoughts. But overall it was fine and I'd like to think I turned out OK...
/ppl presuming I'm spoilt is one of my bugbears. Parents who are inclined to spoil their kids will do so whether there's one or more than one. I was not spoilt in a material sense; perhaps I had more parental attention than multi-child families, but it's not like I'm always demanding to be the centre of attention. end rant/
posted by pianissimo at 10:55 PM on March 9, 2013 [1 favorite]
Of course it doesn't mean that your child will necessarily turn out "better" but that your resources (time and money) do not need to be split and diluted. Picture the mother bird having to look after and feed 5 chicks versus one.
You can send one kid to tennis lessons etc whereas you might not be afford to send 2. I definitely had more opportunities like this than if I'd had a sibling. It's not even just the money, it's also the time spent chauffeuring and supervising practice or whatever.
Similarly, your attention doesn't get divided. You can devote whatever time the kid needs without having to balance it out with the other one, or worry that one will be neglected. I'm sure that whether your kid is gifted, struggling in school, or somewhere in between, the extra time and attention will be worthwhile. Be careful not to helicopter though!
I wasn't even aware that there was anything different about being an only until I kept getting asked a) what it was like and b) was I spoilt. I never experienced anything else so it was "well, it's just normal life for me".
I'm really close with my parents, but I don't know if I'd put that down to being an only child or just the nature of our family. I definitely got used to interacting with adults at a younger age, but I don't know if this is a good or bad thing...
You only asked for positives so I'm not giving downsides. Like with everything, there are some, memail me if you want my thoughts. But overall it was fine and I'd like to think I turned out OK...
/ppl presuming I'm spoilt is one of my bugbears. Parents who are inclined to spoil their kids will do so whether there's one or more than one. I was not spoilt in a material sense; perhaps I had more parental attention than multi-child families, but it's not like I'm always demanding to be the centre of attention. end rant/
posted by pianissimo at 10:55 PM on March 9, 2013 [1 favorite]
I'm one more happy only: when you're an only you get lots of attention, both bad and good, and you pick up on adult social cues much more easily than other kids do. I was much, much closer to my parents than most of my friends were -- and still am. There are no inherent downsides: I learned to make lots of good, loving friends and I'm supported by them just as much as I would be by siblings. Don't try to make their cousins substitute for siblings: my parents tried this, but the side of the family I spent the most time with were not all that great and now don't speak to each other, let alone me. My other cousins are lovely people, and I like them very much when I see them, but we're not super close.
My Dad has recently died, and dealing with the estate is a massive, exhausting job, but my cousins are still quarreling over their mother's will -- more than a year after her death her estate is still not through probate and the only ones who are winning are the lawyers. Meanwhile, Mom and I are fine, if sad. Siblings would only be an impediment.
I was an only in the 60s, when *no-one* was an only, so I experienced many of the downsides, none of which were inherent. I got beaten up and bullied a lot before I got the hang of dealing with other children -- I didn't have older brothers and sisters to fight for me, so I was a target in a school with no other only children. And I was from *Mars*, socially, because I didn't know the standard unwritten rules that everyone else learned growing up with siblings (when someone beats the shit out of you, you're *not* supposed to tell an adult, for example). Also, adults often assumed that I was spoiled and so would take things away from me "for my own good". For years I couldn't eat candy in public or have dessert in a school lunch, even if every other kid had the same thing. These attitudes seem to have died, thank god.
Enjoy your daughter. She'll enjoy you. Don't worry about anything else.
posted by jrochest at 11:13 PM on March 9, 2013 [1 favorite]
My Dad has recently died, and dealing with the estate is a massive, exhausting job, but my cousins are still quarreling over their mother's will -- more than a year after her death her estate is still not through probate and the only ones who are winning are the lawyers. Meanwhile, Mom and I are fine, if sad. Siblings would only be an impediment.
I was an only in the 60s, when *no-one* was an only, so I experienced many of the downsides, none of which were inherent. I got beaten up and bullied a lot before I got the hang of dealing with other children -- I didn't have older brothers and sisters to fight for me, so I was a target in a school with no other only children. And I was from *Mars*, socially, because I didn't know the standard unwritten rules that everyone else learned growing up with siblings (when someone beats the shit out of you, you're *not* supposed to tell an adult, for example). Also, adults often assumed that I was spoiled and so would take things away from me "for my own good". For years I couldn't eat candy in public or have dessert in a school lunch, even if every other kid had the same thing. These attitudes seem to have died, thank god.
Enjoy your daughter. She'll enjoy you. Don't worry about anything else.
posted by jrochest at 11:13 PM on March 9, 2013 [1 favorite]
Just my data point here, but I was almost five when my brother was born and I definitely wanted him at the time, though I didn't want any other brothers or sisters later on.
Now that I have him, he's occasionally a pain (we're both in our 30s) but our last remaining grandparent (our mom's mom) is 94 and change and someone from the family basically has to visit her at the residence she's at every day, for a variety of things, including (but not limited to) giving her daily doses of medication.
Our grandmother has two children, our mom and our uncle, but our uncle no longer lives in the area. Worse, our uncle's only child (our cousin) doesn't live around here either. For all intents and purposes, my mother is an only child and the strain of helping to take care of her mother (and her aunts and uncle before her, all of whom were without children and spouses of their own) has really taken its toll on our mother. Not only that, but there's been significant strain on us family members.
While my brother isn't as active in our grandmother's care as I personally would like, he's got a lot going on in his own life right now, but I would like to think that when the time comes for us to start taking care of our own parents, he'll be there to help me out, along with his soon-to-be wife.
Having one child can often mean a lot of advantages growing up (lessons, attention, etc) but seeing what the effects of being an only child are when dealing with the older generations has made me consider wanting more kids than I ever thought I would want. My brother's even talking about having three of his own.
It's a personal decision and if you're coming from a large family who's close, then having cousins chip in with care later in life might not be a big deal, but from where I'm coming from, two kids are better than one. Just my two cents. Do whatever will make you happy. :)
posted by juliebug at 1:34 AM on March 10, 2013
Now that I have him, he's occasionally a pain (we're both in our 30s) but our last remaining grandparent (our mom's mom) is 94 and change and someone from the family basically has to visit her at the residence she's at every day, for a variety of things, including (but not limited to) giving her daily doses of medication.
Our grandmother has two children, our mom and our uncle, but our uncle no longer lives in the area. Worse, our uncle's only child (our cousin) doesn't live around here either. For all intents and purposes, my mother is an only child and the strain of helping to take care of her mother (and her aunts and uncle before her, all of whom were without children and spouses of their own) has really taken its toll on our mother. Not only that, but there's been significant strain on us family members.
While my brother isn't as active in our grandmother's care as I personally would like, he's got a lot going on in his own life right now, but I would like to think that when the time comes for us to start taking care of our own parents, he'll be there to help me out, along with his soon-to-be wife.
Having one child can often mean a lot of advantages growing up (lessons, attention, etc) but seeing what the effects of being an only child are when dealing with the older generations has made me consider wanting more kids than I ever thought I would want. My brother's even talking about having three of his own.
It's a personal decision and if you're coming from a large family who's close, then having cousins chip in with care later in life might not be a big deal, but from where I'm coming from, two kids are better than one. Just my two cents. Do whatever will make you happy. :)
posted by juliebug at 1:34 AM on March 10, 2013
I'm an only child. Pros:
-I got attention growing up without having to compete for it.
-I was/am very capable of entertaining myself and doing things alone.
-I didn't have to deal with the fighting and conflict with siblings that my friends did growing up, or the sadness over adult distance from siblings that some people I know deal with as adults.
-Though my parents didn't have a lot of money, I was able to do things like take dance classes, get braces, go to Europe a few times, have surgeries I needed, and attend my first choice college, which my parents could not have managed (at least not without a lot of hardship) for two or more kids.
-School was an extremely difficult place for me, from kindergarten to HS. Having a quiet house to come back to where no other kids could be mean to me and my parents had time to give me positive feedback to make up for the negative I got all day from teachers and bullies meant that I'm not scarred for life. Yay!
-I can deal with my parents and their whole aging/medical/etc situation without the disagreements that friends w siblings have over this.
-There are probably more, but I can't think of them now...
Cons: can't think of any.
Note: I never had any idea it was abnormal to be an only child, and no one ever told me it was. I guess the norm was 2 children, but the fact that most of my friends growing up had a sibling somewhere never impacted...well, anything. My two best friends had much older brothers, so they were effectively only children outside of some family situations. Other friends had a younger sibling they ignored, or something. Totally not a big deal unless you decide to make it one.
posted by DestinationUnknown at 6:22 AM on March 10, 2013
-I got attention growing up without having to compete for it.
-I was/am very capable of entertaining myself and doing things alone.
-I didn't have to deal with the fighting and conflict with siblings that my friends did growing up, or the sadness over adult distance from siblings that some people I know deal with as adults.
-Though my parents didn't have a lot of money, I was able to do things like take dance classes, get braces, go to Europe a few times, have surgeries I needed, and attend my first choice college, which my parents could not have managed (at least not without a lot of hardship) for two or more kids.
-School was an extremely difficult place for me, from kindergarten to HS. Having a quiet house to come back to where no other kids could be mean to me and my parents had time to give me positive feedback to make up for the negative I got all day from teachers and bullies meant that I'm not scarred for life. Yay!
-I can deal with my parents and their whole aging/medical/etc situation without the disagreements that friends w siblings have over this.
-There are probably more, but I can't think of them now...
Cons: can't think of any.
Note: I never had any idea it was abnormal to be an only child, and no one ever told me it was. I guess the norm was 2 children, but the fact that most of my friends growing up had a sibling somewhere never impacted...well, anything. My two best friends had much older brothers, so they were effectively only children outside of some family situations. Other friends had a younger sibling they ignored, or something. Totally not a big deal unless you decide to make it one.
posted by DestinationUnknown at 6:22 AM on March 10, 2013
Best answer: I am an only child.
Your child's experience with that will depend quite a lot on you. My parents were overcontrolling and very fearful-you will need to guard against overparenting, and the normal fears parents have times infinity because, hey, you only have one.
If I may-make sure your child spends lots of time with cousins, if there are any, and other children. Being an only can be very lonely.
As to relationship with parents-again, what you make it, but onlies tend to identify more with adults than peers, in general.
The good news is these days there are lots more onlies than there used to be.
One other thing. Please plan very well for your own needs in later life. Your child will be responsible for you and your spouse with no one else to share the burden. Any planning you can do to ease that would be a good thing.
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 6:23 AM on March 10, 2013 [1 favorite]
Your child's experience with that will depend quite a lot on you. My parents were overcontrolling and very fearful-you will need to guard against overparenting, and the normal fears parents have times infinity because, hey, you only have one.
If I may-make sure your child spends lots of time with cousins, if there are any, and other children. Being an only can be very lonely.
As to relationship with parents-again, what you make it, but onlies tend to identify more with adults than peers, in general.
The good news is these days there are lots more onlies than there used to be.
One other thing. Please plan very well for your own needs in later life. Your child will be responsible for you and your spouse with no one else to share the burden. Any planning you can do to ease that would be a good thing.
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 6:23 AM on March 10, 2013 [1 favorite]
Oh, and in my case, I felt I can't miss what I have never had-so I don't particularly mind having no siblings. I simply "adopt" friends for that role!
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 6:25 AM on March 10, 2013
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 6:25 AM on March 10, 2013
Oh, also, I never once wished I had a sibling. Ever. It seems to me that wanting "a sibling" is silly, because you can't pick what kind you get. What you would be wanting is some ideal playmate or (as an adult) friend or sort of team member. But lots of people have siblings who don't turn out that way at all.
posted by DestinationUnknown at 6:29 AM on March 10, 2013
posted by DestinationUnknown at 6:29 AM on March 10, 2013
Best answer: The subject of an only child being solely responsible for aging parents has been brought up and I want to raise some positive points about this:
- As I and several others have mentioned, no sibling quarrels or horrific family rifts about one sibling feeling unfairly burdened with caregiving, issues of end-of-life care, and, most of all, inheritances and estates. Hoo boy, the tales I could tell about that last one. An only child may have more responsibilities on his or her shoulders in these areas, but will not have to deal with any of these giant pitfalls either.
- Having only one child means not only more money for educational enrichment, college, etc. but also more opportunity for you, the parents, to save for your own retirement as you have only one child to support. You are not going to be taking out parent loans to send three children to expensive colleges and then have NO savings when you turn sixty. (I hope!) One reason my dad can afford a nice care home now is that my parents had only one child (me) to raise, and were able to put a lot into their IRAs. (And a good thing, too, because like jenfullmoon I am a lousy caregiver. Anything that requires more care than a cat and I cannot deal - which is one reason I have not had kids.)
- Your child won't be writing letters to Ask MeFi about what to do about sixtysomething Mom and Dad spending their retirement savings on propping up/enabling a drug-addicted and/or wastrel sibling, and what is going to happen when Mom and Dad can no longer work especially since all their money is going to Sibling and they will have no income other than Social Security? Or, worse, "Help, my drug-addicted sibling is stealing from my elderly mother!" Neither you nor your child will be dealing with this shit! Your only is MORE likely to be self-sufficient in adulthood because you will have been able to provide her with a good educational and emotional support in her childhood.
I mention these scenarios because IME, it is more the exception than the rule that siblings all pull together and chip in when elderly parents need care. I am at that age where friends and acquaintances have elderly and dying parents and I can think of maybe ONE family where this is true. Otherwise, at best, one or two siblings get stuck with the majority of the care, and at worst, there are soap-opera horror stories of theft and drained bank accounts and fistfights and lawsuits and God knows what.
tl;dr: Don't count on siblings to help out with elderly parents. Only children manage just fine in that regard, and often better than those WITH siblings. I, for one, am glad to not have to deal with any more PITAs than I have to.
posted by Rosie M. Banks at 7:50 AM on March 10, 2013 [3 favorites]
- As I and several others have mentioned, no sibling quarrels or horrific family rifts about one sibling feeling unfairly burdened with caregiving, issues of end-of-life care, and, most of all, inheritances and estates. Hoo boy, the tales I could tell about that last one. An only child may have more responsibilities on his or her shoulders in these areas, but will not have to deal with any of these giant pitfalls either.
- Having only one child means not only more money for educational enrichment, college, etc. but also more opportunity for you, the parents, to save for your own retirement as you have only one child to support. You are not going to be taking out parent loans to send three children to expensive colleges and then have NO savings when you turn sixty. (I hope!) One reason my dad can afford a nice care home now is that my parents had only one child (me) to raise, and were able to put a lot into their IRAs. (And a good thing, too, because like jenfullmoon I am a lousy caregiver. Anything that requires more care than a cat and I cannot deal - which is one reason I have not had kids.)
- Your child won't be writing letters to Ask MeFi about what to do about sixtysomething Mom and Dad spending their retirement savings on propping up/enabling a drug-addicted and/or wastrel sibling, and what is going to happen when Mom and Dad can no longer work especially since all their money is going to Sibling and they will have no income other than Social Security? Or, worse, "Help, my drug-addicted sibling is stealing from my elderly mother!" Neither you nor your child will be dealing with this shit! Your only is MORE likely to be self-sufficient in adulthood because you will have been able to provide her with a good educational and emotional support in her childhood.
I mention these scenarios because IME, it is more the exception than the rule that siblings all pull together and chip in when elderly parents need care. I am at that age where friends and acquaintances have elderly and dying parents and I can think of maybe ONE family where this is true. Otherwise, at best, one or two siblings get stuck with the majority of the care, and at worst, there are soap-opera horror stories of theft and drained bank accounts and fistfights and lawsuits and God knows what.
tl;dr: Don't count on siblings to help out with elderly parents. Only children manage just fine in that regard, and often better than those WITH siblings. I, for one, am glad to not have to deal with any more PITAs than I have to.
posted by Rosie M. Banks at 7:50 AM on March 10, 2013 [3 favorites]
I have an only child - a 17-yo daughter. Very occasionally, I'll ask her if she would have liked to have sibling. Her usual response is yes, sometimes she was lonely. But most of the time, she was quite glad she didn't have to share anything - her parents, her room, her stuff. And although she's generally an introvert, she's much more outgoing and social than either of her parents ever were. After all, she didn't have the social interaction with siblings, so if she wanted to play with another kid, she had to seek one out.
She's also the only child of an only child - kind of an Only Squared - and is very much doted on by her paternal grandparents. And she knows exactly how to work this to her advantage.
Also, you owe no one an explanation about this kind of thing.
posted by SuperSquirrel at 8:27 AM on March 10, 2013
She's also the only child of an only child - kind of an Only Squared - and is very much doted on by her paternal grandparents. And she knows exactly how to work this to her advantage.
Also, you owe no one an explanation about this kind of thing.
posted by SuperSquirrel at 8:27 AM on March 10, 2013
I'm an only child, my husband is functionally an only child (his brother is 13 years older and lives abroad, so for all general purposes of his parents' care etc, it's just him). My best friend and "chosen sister" is an only child.
We're all totally fine.
1. Economics: As many people above have said, my parents only had to care for me, and so economically, things were really good for me growing up, even when my dad didn't have a job for a little while.
2. Attention: This was brought home to me my senior year when one of my classmates said to me, "You have no idea how lucky you are; you've never had to compete for your parents' attention."
3. Economics 2: Because there were no other kids, my choices in college were literally pretty limitless. I got to go exactly where I wanted to go, because no one was coming up behind me. Keep in mind the flip side is that I was never going to get any "sibling also in college" credit but then again, lots of people didn't becuase their siblings ended up being ne'er-do-wells, so there's that.
I was never lonely. My parents really made a point of my being able and willing to entertain myself, and really, I hung out with my parents a LOT. They also really gave me the opportunity to develop independence and happiness on my own. Everyone, at some point, is an only - because everyone goes off to college or somehow starts their life in some way, and their siblings aren't there - you need these skills to survive in the world. I was prepared to be on my own and I was never, ever upset about it.
Being an only has all kinds of advantages, and I think it's weird, honestly, that people think it's weird. 2 of my friends with kids that I can think of are not having any more kids. It's just so expensive, and literally my one friend said she can't imagine having the energy or ability to do as good a job with a 2nd kid. She's one of two; I think her spouse is one of three or four. Lots of people choose to have just one kid. And that kid is just as likely to be fine as s/he would be if there were siblings.
posted by Medieval Maven at 8:32 AM on March 10, 2013 [1 favorite]
We're all totally fine.
1. Economics: As many people above have said, my parents only had to care for me, and so economically, things were really good for me growing up, even when my dad didn't have a job for a little while.
2. Attention: This was brought home to me my senior year when one of my classmates said to me, "You have no idea how lucky you are; you've never had to compete for your parents' attention."
3. Economics 2: Because there were no other kids, my choices in college were literally pretty limitless. I got to go exactly where I wanted to go, because no one was coming up behind me. Keep in mind the flip side is that I was never going to get any "sibling also in college" credit but then again, lots of people didn't becuase their siblings ended up being ne'er-do-wells, so there's that.
I was never lonely. My parents really made a point of my being able and willing to entertain myself, and really, I hung out with my parents a LOT. They also really gave me the opportunity to develop independence and happiness on my own. Everyone, at some point, is an only - because everyone goes off to college or somehow starts their life in some way, and their siblings aren't there - you need these skills to survive in the world. I was prepared to be on my own and I was never, ever upset about it.
Being an only has all kinds of advantages, and I think it's weird, honestly, that people think it's weird. 2 of my friends with kids that I can think of are not having any more kids. It's just so expensive, and literally my one friend said she can't imagine having the energy or ability to do as good a job with a 2nd kid. She's one of two; I think her spouse is one of three or four. Lots of people choose to have just one kid. And that kid is just as likely to be fine as s/he would be if there were siblings.
posted by Medieval Maven at 8:32 AM on March 10, 2013 [1 favorite]
I'm an only child. It's fine; I never think about what my life would be/would have been like with siblings and am surprised that so many people here do. I'm very close to my mom. The one thing that makes me feel bad is that because I don't want children, she doesn't get to have grandchildren. If she'd had more kids, she'd have other opportunities for that.
posted by ecsh at 9:24 AM on March 10, 2013
posted by ecsh at 9:24 AM on March 10, 2013
I never think about what my life would be/would have been like with siblings and am surprised that so many people here do.
Well, I have, but I figured out that my imaginary younger brother would have turned out to be a total juvenile delinquent/rebel. As an only child, I'm both "the good kid" and "the bad kid" at the same time (which is fair), but if there'd been another kid, I would have been "the good one" by default, and any kid after me would probably feel compelled to rebel in comparison. I've also heard enough stories where the first kid comes out great and then the second kid is a hellion (Bill Cosby did a great bit on this), or vice versa, to think that we were all lucky my dad put his foot down on having a second.
posted by jenfullmoon at 9:51 AM on March 10, 2013
Well, I have, but I figured out that my imaginary younger brother would have turned out to be a total juvenile delinquent/rebel. As an only child, I'm both "the good kid" and "the bad kid" at the same time (which is fair), but if there'd been another kid, I would have been "the good one" by default, and any kid after me would probably feel compelled to rebel in comparison. I've also heard enough stories where the first kid comes out great and then the second kid is a hellion (Bill Cosby did a great bit on this), or vice versa, to think that we were all lucky my dad put his foot down on having a second.
posted by jenfullmoon at 9:51 AM on March 10, 2013
Only child here. I didn't think about being an only when I was a kid, and I was a happy kid, but then I hit 25 and realized that my parents will die one day and I won't have anyone left of my nuclear family. This is a hard thought. One, if will be hard to make decisions and shoulder this aspect alone, and two, it will be sad that no one else will know my parents as parents and intimately know how great they were. Spouse and friends will kinda know, but it will be second hand knowledge and not quite like a sibling would know and share in your memories and experiences. Also, spouses divorce, friends have their own families. The older I get, the more I miss siblings. What I'm trying to say is that you could have a happy kid because she's naturally a happy kid, but could end up missing this aspect of life only later on. Have you asked your kid how she feels about siblings before you make decisions that impact her life in a huge way?
posted by gardenbex at 10:57 AM on March 10, 2013
posted by gardenbex at 10:57 AM on March 10, 2013
One more only child anecdata point. I never wished for siblings and have never regretted being an only child. (I remember when it first occurred to me that my parents *could* have another child, and crying myself to sleep that night.) I'm very close with my parents. Growing up, I was an avid reader and learned to entertain myself; I'm quite an introvert and I'm not sure if that was caused or just nurtured by being an only child, but I can't imagine having to share space and my parents' attention with a sibling.
As many others said, my parents are not rich, and I am sure that I would not have been able to have some of the experiences (music and riding lessons, travel, private elementary school) I did if I had siblings to compete with for family resources.
Now that I'm older, I understand why people appreciate siblings -- my boyfriend's family is lovely and I am kind of curious about the relationships he has with his sister and brother -- but I still don't regret growing up an only. I feel like my family of origin is so much closer since there's only me, my mom, and my dad.
One last point: I don't like or understand children and don't want any of my own. I don't know if this comes from never being around kids, though I recall from the earliest age I have always said I wasn't having children and I never played with baby dolls. Sometimes I wonder if I had had younger siblings if I'd want children, but I guess we'll never know.
posted by fiercecupcake at 11:13 AM on March 10, 2013 [1 favorite]
As many others said, my parents are not rich, and I am sure that I would not have been able to have some of the experiences (music and riding lessons, travel, private elementary school) I did if I had siblings to compete with for family resources.
Now that I'm older, I understand why people appreciate siblings -- my boyfriend's family is lovely and I am kind of curious about the relationships he has with his sister and brother -- but I still don't regret growing up an only. I feel like my family of origin is so much closer since there's only me, my mom, and my dad.
One last point: I don't like or understand children and don't want any of my own. I don't know if this comes from never being around kids, though I recall from the earliest age I have always said I wasn't having children and I never played with baby dolls. Sometimes I wonder if I had had younger siblings if I'd want children, but I guess we'll never know.
posted by fiercecupcake at 11:13 AM on March 10, 2013 [1 favorite]
Best answer: my brother is 5 years older than me, so a lot of the time we weren't totally at the same stage to really be playmates for each other - but what my parents did to get around that is to make a point of letting me invite friends along on a lot of family excursions - like going to the cottage for the weekend, or even a couple of weeks in florida. It didn't cost them that much to have an extra kid around, I had someone around of my own age to play with, and it strengthened my friendships outside of the family. This was especially true of their best friends' kids, we took them along all the time, and they took me along just as frequently. Both my parents and theirs got a break from taking care of us occasionally. And we loved it so much! That family is still just as much family to me as my own, and we had such a blast together - it was like having a sister for all the hanging out and closeness, with none of the territory squabbles that happen when you live together all the time. So just borrow a sibling occasionally - and when your two-kidded friends give you guff about only having one, you can tell them about the plan to borrow their kids sometimes to take along places and watch their eyes light up at the idea of free babysitting.
posted by 5_13_23_42_69_666 at 1:39 PM on March 10, 2013
posted by 5_13_23_42_69_666 at 1:39 PM on March 10, 2013
Response by poster: Thanks everyone for weighing in!
Just a note - I live in Australia, a very comfortable life in a country that somehow managed to largely dodge the bullet of the GFC - and the financial thing isn't really a big problem for us or our friends who are having 2 kids... maybe that's why it's so rare here to have just one. I really wish I knew more people that were just having one, like so many of you.
I guess the fears I have are around the fact that our little daughter is quite social, and I think she would love a sibling in a lot of ways... but then also she gets SO much attention from us and she obviously loves that too, she gets to do so many things she loves, and has such a great relationship with her dad and with me, and much of that time would be sacrificed if we had another. So although I know she would love a sibling, I think she would also be sad to give up a lot of the time and attention she gets from both of us. I hadn't really thought about that before.
Also, we have a lot of close friends with kids her age and we see them frequently. I will make absolutely sure that we continue to do so throughout her life. I'm close to my two sisters and although they don't have kids yet (one is pregnant) I will make sure we see plenty of them when they do. And the thing about taking a friend on holidays - YES, have already imagined that.
The main thing is that if we had another kid, we would just have less time for ourselves and each other (my husband and me). We both love time on our own, time to do our projects, time with our friends separately and together, and time for just the two of us, as well as time with our daughter together and separately. Having another kid would just cancel out so much of our together time and our solo time, and I think both of us would be more stressed and less happy. I honestly believe we can be better parents to one kid.
Such a good point about one kid having to shoulder the burden of ageing parents, but a great counterpoint about how it can actually be less stressful in lots of ways. "You can't have it all." :)
(Not to mention the thought of being pregnant, giving birth, and breastfeeding again make me shudder, not in a happy way.)
Thanks for all your in-put. Much appreciated.
posted by beccyjoe at 1:39 PM on March 10, 2013 [1 favorite]
Just a note - I live in Australia, a very comfortable life in a country that somehow managed to largely dodge the bullet of the GFC - and the financial thing isn't really a big problem for us or our friends who are having 2 kids... maybe that's why it's so rare here to have just one. I really wish I knew more people that were just having one, like so many of you.
I guess the fears I have are around the fact that our little daughter is quite social, and I think she would love a sibling in a lot of ways... but then also she gets SO much attention from us and she obviously loves that too, she gets to do so many things she loves, and has such a great relationship with her dad and with me, and much of that time would be sacrificed if we had another. So although I know she would love a sibling, I think she would also be sad to give up a lot of the time and attention she gets from both of us. I hadn't really thought about that before.
Also, we have a lot of close friends with kids her age and we see them frequently. I will make absolutely sure that we continue to do so throughout her life. I'm close to my two sisters and although they don't have kids yet (one is pregnant) I will make sure we see plenty of them when they do. And the thing about taking a friend on holidays - YES, have already imagined that.
The main thing is that if we had another kid, we would just have less time for ourselves and each other (my husband and me). We both love time on our own, time to do our projects, time with our friends separately and together, and time for just the two of us, as well as time with our daughter together and separately. Having another kid would just cancel out so much of our together time and our solo time, and I think both of us would be more stressed and less happy. I honestly believe we can be better parents to one kid.
Such a good point about one kid having to shoulder the burden of ageing parents, but a great counterpoint about how it can actually be less stressful in lots of ways. "You can't have it all." :)
(Not to mention the thought of being pregnant, giving birth, and breastfeeding again make me shudder, not in a happy way.)
Thanks for all your in-put. Much appreciated.
posted by beccyjoe at 1:39 PM on March 10, 2013 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
Relationship-wise, my relationship with my mother is up and down, but not for reasons that I would imagine to be different if I had siblings (I don't think that would change how she feels about some of my life choices). My father died when I was 19.
I have no children but I would only have wanted one if I'd had any, even though most of my friends and both my sisters-in-law have at least two.
posted by immlass at 6:55 PM on March 9, 2013 [7 favorites]