Had sex with someone I (maybe) shouldn't have. Help?

March 3, 2013 8:14 AM

I slept with a person I have to deal with in an educational setting now and in the future - how to proceed when that kind of relationship ends up getting sexual by accident?

I (female) am taking a photography class for mostly for my own enjoyment but possibly for future professional advancement. It's being offered by an association in my town, not a college or university. A week ago, I ended up at a party with my instructor (male) and we hooked up. It was a great time. Both of us are single, so no complications in that area, thankfully.

The course isn't over for another month, and he is still pretty "friendly" with me. I could easily see doing a repeat of last week again sometime, and in fact would like to. Thing is, I am really passionate about my hobby and want to continue learning - and guess who is the only person who teaches the next level course in my area?

I should also mention he is not responsible for grading the course, only instruction (the tests are sent away to an external organization).

I am looking moreso for coping hacks for future interaction with this guy, especially should my ovaries defeat my brain once again. I'm blessed with very poor impulse control and really no moral compunction about doing this, so it could recur reasonably easily. I don't currently have any feelings for this guy outside of the physical, and I am competent and practiced at emotionally compartmentalizing where necessary sex-wise. I am generally pretty indifferent to "taking things further" with people in most cases.

Any suggestions on how to handle this, and what to watch out for? Thank you very much in advance!

posted by anonymous to human relations (13 answers total)

Have you discussed this concern with him?
posted by BibiRose at 8:18 AM on March 3 [1 favorite]

Try telling him you had a lot of fun, no hard feelings, but you'd like to keep things professional from here on out. Then never ever spend time alone with him, don't talk to him for a long time at parties (at which you should remain relatively sober), and just generally treat him like a colleague. If he's not a total sleaze he'll do the same and it'll all be fine.
posted by the young rope-rider at 8:34 AM on March 3 [1 favorite]

I'm a little puzzled as to why you're so worried. If it's a hobbyist organization does it even matter how you are graded?

If you really want to keep it simple just tell him "hey I enjoyed that, but an ongoing thing would be a distraction from my educational goals, so until the course is over let's keep it strictly teacher-student." It's just a few weeks more, right?
posted by fingersandtoes at 8:40 AM on March 3 [10 favorites]

You don't mention how you feel about what happened. Do you like this guy? Do you want to keep seeing him but feel like you shouldn't for ethical reasons, or is it something you genuinely feel was a mistake, personally, the way you might regret sleeping with anybody?

I think you have a lot more to lose through awkwardness or bad feelings than you do because of some kind of breach of ethics. I'd spend more time asking yourself what happens when you break it off and then decide to take his other course, or what it might mean down the road when your only professional connection in this field is an ex, than fretting about abstract ethical concerns.
posted by Sara C. at 8:50 AM on March 3

Sexual by accident? I'm visualizing slipping on a banana peel and landing on a schlong.

You are good at compartmentalizing; so, theoretically, you could slip on that banana peel again, and be OK. How about him? Is he able to compartmentalize as well?

Perhaps have a chat with him to discuss how he feels, and decide cooperatively how to proceed in a way that does no harm to either party. Frankly, it sounds like you are in the power position here -- you know you can have casual dalliances without getting hooked; he may or may not be wired thusly -- so use that power wisely. Part of that might mean thinking about the concept of volition vs. accident, re: sex.
posted by nacho fries at 8:54 AM on March 3 [10 favorites]

Then never ever spend time alone with him, don't talk to him for a long time at parties (at which you should remain relatively sober), and just generally treat him like a colleague.

I agree with this. I don't even think you need to tell him anything, unless he directly approaches you for another hookup. Treat it just like you would any casual sex encounter you don't really want to repeat but you want to remain on friendly terms after. For example, don't think of it as "great" but rather as "potentially (future) bad."
posted by sm1tten at 8:55 AM on March 3

Any reason you can't just put things on hold for the duration of the class, and then, ovaries willing, pick it up afterwards?
posted by Sunburnt at 8:56 AM on March 3 [2 favorites]

I am looking moreso for coping hacks for future interaction with this guy, especially should my ovaries defeat my brain once again. I'm blessed with very poor impulse control and really no moral compunction about doing this, so it could recur reasonably easily.

There isn't really an ethical quandary here (it's a non-college course taken for hobby reasons, so the opportunity cost of not pursuing this is not taking his next course - if you were to pursue professional photography, you'd need to take college level courses anyways - unless this is some kind of proxy) so I don't see a whole lot of downside here other than potential awkwardness.

If you truly would like to keep it professional, avoid him outside of the classroom, but if you're open to more sexual encounters don't hold yourself back because you think there's something wrong. Often times when people suggest meeting other single people, they suggest getting a hobby or taking a class - well guess what, this is that scenario played out in the flesh. Yes, maybe someday it gets awkward, but that goes for any social situation - and the power imbalance in this is minimal if it's a hobby.
posted by Rodrigo Lamaitre at 9:02 AM on March 3 [3 favorites]

I'm not clear on how your relationship would be a conflict of interest, especially if he's not grading the class. Given that you said you would like to continue this thing, I'd recommend that you go for it. You'll probably learn tons more than your classmates by having "extracurricular" time with the instructor.
posted by matkline at 9:05 AM on March 3 [5 favorites]

Agreed with other posters in that I don't understand why you wouldn't want to keep it going. If you have the ability to compartmentalize like you say you do, then it shouldn't distract you from your continuing studies. It only becomes a problem if it becomes a problem for him it sounds like.
posted by greta simone at 9:10 AM on March 3

Example of why not: suppose he wants more than sex, she decides she doesn't, and he becomes super upset about this and can't be civil to her in classes, so instead of being able to take the convenient next-level class from the association, she would have to take a course elsewhere, and this would be less convenient or even highly impractical [far away, costly, requiring long hours in the lab during her 9-5 job, I don't know].

Anyway, OP, that's my advice to you, identify the worst case scenario and decide if it's a risk you're willing to take. If the worst case scenario is a course that costs just $25 more, maybe it's no biggie if this doesn't work out.
posted by salvia at 10:21 AM on March 3 [2 favorites]

You are good at compartmentalizing ... How about him? Is he able to compartmentalize as well?
posted by nacho fries at 10:54 AM on March 3

Example of why not: suppose he wants more than sex, she decides she doesn't, and he becomes super upset about this and can't be civil to her in classes, ...
posted by salvia at 12:21 PM on March 3

Being someone who is not always able to compartmentalize, even if/when I am determined to keep everything casual, and also someone who has been with others who are not always able to compartmentalize even if/when they are determined to do so, I came in here to this thread to be a voice for that situation, and now find out I'm the third voice in here with that same idea.

My experience has been that people can really get twirled once they experience physical intimacy with someone else, and this twirling can come out of nowhere, no matter what the person wanted and/or told you. Sexuality seems to sometimes have the keys to doors that we are positive are locked solidly, from the inside. Which is to say: I've been hurt in this, and others have been hurt in these sorts of things with me, too. No matter what we determined ahead of time.

So I've pretty much come to the conclusion that I have a responsibility, both to myself and to anyone I climb into the sheets with, to hang with them should things get left-handed on them, and to hope that they'll do the same for me. Not that I'm going to marry them, not that they should marry me, more that we let one another down kindly, should things get all south-footed.

Just one of those human decency things, seems to me; we are all of us frail, or can be, and depend upon one another more than we sometimes intended.
posted by dancestoblue at 11:04 AM on March 3 [8 favorites]

Who cares? It's a class you are taking for your hobby, not in a university setting where he could be fired. And just because you are sleeping with him doesn't mean you can't still get everything out of your last month left of classes. Heck, maybe you will learn even more if you keep hanging out outside of class because he can give you some more photography tips! If you want to hook up again with him and he is on the same page, I think you should go for it. Just don't make it too obvious or awkward to the rest of the class.
posted by AppleTurnover at 8:36 PM on March 3