Do you experience a hierarchy of affection for your friends?

March 3, 2013 8:13 AM

If you suspect your friend likes you more than you like them, should you still be friends with them?

Being out of college and in an environment where it’s a lot harder to make friends has made me think long and hard about the nature of my friendships. The ones that are less substantial, in particular.

I have a few college friends I’ve kept in touch with since graduating. All of them are pleasant people, but I don’t experience the same level of fun and excitement as I do when I’m hanging out with my closest friends. I feel that the reason I like them is because they like me, and that makes me feel good about myself. But when I think about the fact that I personally feel that I could take them or leave them, that makes me question whether I’m being a good friend, or even a friend at all. For example, I had a friend over the other day to watch a movie, and while it was nice seeing her and talking to her, I felt that I could have easily had as nice a night just hanging out by myself.

Another one of my friends is someone who doesn’t like to talk about herself—not in a low self-esteem sort of way, though. To me, she seems very self-assured, and she’s really interested in what’s going on in her friends’ lives and what they have to say. She’s even admitted that she doesn’t like to talk about herself. For me, this trait is nice because I really enjoy having someone to rant to when I need it and a person who is so invested in the goings-on of my life. However, it feels wrong that a majority of our conversations focus on me. She does ask me for advice sometimes, so I like to think that I give during our conversations, rather than just take. But again, I feel guilty, because she seems to like me more than I like her. I rarely set up dates to talk, because she seems to be the one who always sets them up. If she didn’t do this, I don’t know if I would take that initiative.

On the flip side of this, however, I wonder if for some people, I am the “nice but not great” friend of theirs. And I’m torn, because I don’t want to be in that position, so for a split second I’m determined to never again call my best friend from high school who never calls me. (Our friendship is like the one I described above, except the roles are reversed, and when I think of myself in that role, I feel uncomfortable.)

But then I waver, because I think of how much fun we have whenever we’re together. Until now, I always thought the frustration of being the one to make plans for hanging out was outweighed by the joy I experience when we’re together. I'm shy and introverted, and I don't make friends easily, so I'm loathe to let a deep friendship like that go, even if it means I have to work to stay in touch with this person.

I guess, in the end, I’m wondering this: Should I maintain a friendship if the levels of emotional investment are different? I’m asking from both points of view, here. Am I devaluing myself for wanting to continue to be friends with someone whom I love hanging out with, but who doesn’t initiate contact? Likewise, am I taking advantage of the friends who seem to get more out of our interactions than I do? If so, how should I handle the "break up" process? I don't feel that I have reason enough to stop being friends with them, besides the fact that I don't have that warm-and-fuzzy-BFF feeling when we're together.

posted by anonymous to human relations (12 answers total)

I can only address one of your questions: "Am I devaluing myself for wanting to continue to be friends with someone whom I love hanging out with, but who doesn’t initiate contact?"

There are some people who are just bad at initiating contact. The way you can tell if your contact initiation is appreciated is the quality of your hanging out when it happens, and the enjoyment the friend expresses during and after. If your friend seems to genuinely be having a blast, fuzzy-BFF feelings included, and recalls the times fondly, then they are probably just one of those people who are bad at initiating contact, but appreciate it when you do and value you highly.
posted by Pwoink at 8:44 AM on March 3 [1 favorite]

No exchange of affection is ever completely fair and equitable; it's usually within the same realm, but you might in fact be that "nice but not great" friend for someone you feel is great. If you enjoy the friendship you have, don't sweat your exact standing.
posted by RainyJay at 8:46 AM on March 3 [1 favorite]

It's not your job to decide whether someone else is getting enough out of hanging around you to justify the friendship. Don't sweat it.
posted by Andrhia at 8:46 AM on March 3 [4 favorites]

You should stay friends with everybody you love hanging out with, even if you have to initiate contact every time. You like them, you have a good time, you're not hurting anybody. Maybe they just don't enjoy making plans. If they don't want to see you le them say no.

As for people you don't absolutely love hanging out with who like you, consider whether you are marginally happier to be friends with them rather than being alone. If you enjoy spending time with them then you should stay friends. People who don't like to talk about themselves still need company. However, if you actually don't like being with them then you should not hang out with them no matter how convenient they are.

Don't assume everyone secretly hates and resents you because they probably don't.
posted by steinwald at 8:48 AM on March 3 [5 favorites]

I dunno. It sounds like you think there's something necessarily bad or shameful about these little imbalances in affection or in social reciprocity. And I think you should probably reexamine that idea, for a couple reasons:

1) It's almost impossible for two people to like each other exactly the same amount. If you limit yourself to friendships where you're both totally evenly matched all the time, you'll miss out on a lot of great friendships.

2) If someone calls you less often, it doesn't necessarily mean they like you less, and vice versa. It might just be a difference in social style or communication style: some people really like to give invitations, and some people really like to get invitations, and that's basically independent of how fond they are of a specific person. (Think of it like dating. Some people just really like to be asked out; some people like to do the asking; people in the first category aren't inherently less loving or less affectionate than people in the second, they're just playing a different role.)

3) This stuff varies over the lifetime of a friendship. If you know someone for two decades, there will probably be some years in there where you're the one doing all the reaching out, and some years in there where she's the one doing all the reaching out.
posted by Now there are two. There are two _______. at 8:49 AM on March 3 [4 favorites]

It doesn't sound as if you have a problem with any of the people involved, just that you don't like being in the position of being the one who cares more and therefore think you should not put anyone else in that position. One of the ways you illustrate the discrepancy of caring is by noting who suggests spending time together.

However, some people just reach out more. I reach out a lot, without keeping score. Sometimes I do the reaching out to people who are not my top-tier friends, but with whom I have things in common and enjoy myself. There is nothing wrong with this, and it's not an accurate measure of care.

Also, I think your life is poorer if you only hang out with people you feel extra close to. Every friendship is different. They can change over time as well, as you and you friends change. Who you feel close to and look up does not remain the same for all time.

There's a problem if spending time with someone starts to feel like a burden, or if they need more than you can give, or if they have poor boundaries. Otherwise...

If you like hanging out with someone then accept their invitations. Otherwise, don't. If you insist on a perfect 1:1 equal friendship, where both people like each other in the same amount ... think about how that's going to limit your life.
posted by bunderful at 8:52 AM on March 3 [1 favorite]

You have so many great friends that you can afford to toss some overboard? Impressive.

It is very easy to misjudge how our contributions to relationships are valued by the other person. We know, without even thinking about it, the worth of what we get from them, though, while often under-valuing what we bring to the table because we have no idea.

One of my very good friends and I both feel we receive far more than we put in. She tried to discount something she did, to tell me it wasn't as important as I thought, but I told her, "You don't get to decide the value I put on it." She accepted that although we both still feel very much in debt to each other, relationship-wise. It's actually a good thing.
posted by trinity8-director at 11:45 AM on March 3 [1 favorite]

The old sociology thinking was that friendship is composed of a variety of factors. The higher similarity is on these factors, the stronger a "friendship" two people feel.

Those factors are:
1) Proximity (strongest)
2) Similarity
3) Familiarity
4) Reciprocity

There are a lot of configurations there that are possible. If Proximity and Familiarity are high – a coworker, for example – yet Similarity is low – a friendship can result but will probably not last if one person's work circumstances change.

If Reciprocity and Similarity are high yet Proximity is low – long distance friends – the friendship can ensure for quite sometime, even if it is practically inconvenient.

Great friends often share a variety of these traits. They live in the same neighbourhood (or building), they have similar values and interests, they spend their time doing similar activities, and they celebrate each other's successes (birthdays, promotions) and mourn each other's losses.

In your case, if reciprocity is low, but the other factors are high, you have a perfectly valid friendship on your hands.

The transition from university friends to "real-world" friendships can be difficult to navigate for these reasons. At university, proximity is often very high. Similarity can be very high as well – as universities recruit similar types of people (compared to a random sample of the real-world). Familiarity will be quite high, due to the very close proximity. Again, reciprocity is a mixed bag, but given that so many people are forming identities at that point, there is a lot of modelling, and hence a zeitgeist culture of reciprocity.

In terms of your specific friendship, one consideration is that all the factors are constantly changing. People find new hobbies, drop old ones, move jobs, move neighbourhoods, fall into relationships, fall out of relationships. So whilst you may have a good friend, her lack of reciprocity will make the friendship less stable probably. That is, if that factor is already low, if something else goes low, chances of the friendship continuing may be reduced significantly.

Overall, it sounds like you (and your friends) are in the legacy friendship stage – where you're friends because you have been friends, rather than having high core constituent components of friendship. Nothing wrong with that – familiarity is very high. It doesn't sound like your personal investigation of "nice but blah blah" kind of friend is helpful for you. The reality is that you would probably be much happier spreading your wings and finding new friends, who are perhaps more appropriate to the person you are becoming.

It's a very process of becoming friends in the twenties. It was so simply in childhood – "do you want to be friends?". In university, things are so dynamic, that it's very easy for friendship to form without even realising how it happens. In the "real-world", it's a bit different. It takes a bit more effort, since socialisation is very different than whilst in educational institutions. That being said, I think many people find the friendships much more rewarding. There's also the opportunity to really diversify your own life experience, as you will come in contact with such different people, given the population has expanded beyond the remit of an admissions committee.

All that being said, if you do want to break-up with a friend, it's easy. Just reduce the time you spend with them. It doesn't have to be a big de-facto situation. It's different from romantic relationships in that way. Romantic relationships are often defined, because they're often exclusionary. Friendships are often inclusionary, so if you want to shift away from a person, simply stop including yourself in their lives. Eventually, gradually, the friendship will disappear and become the domain of nostalgia and old photos.
posted by nickrussell at 12:23 PM on March 3 [19 favorites]

I think the older you get, the more you will value having people in your life who care enough to stay in touch with you and want to spend time with you. Even if they are not your very closest friends. At some point in the near future, you might find that many close friends have moved away or are too busy with work or families. And if you just would like to spend some time with someone you know pretty well, who is pleasant and kind when you see them, it is really worth it to hang on to as many friendships as you can. I just wouldn't worry about hierarchies here, it's not like there is a limited amount of friends you can have?
posted by citron at 12:51 PM on March 3 [4 favorites]

About your high school best friend, I have at least one, maybe two, friends who are so much more together than I am about making plans. Even when I think "I should email them to make plans," I log in and discover that they just emailed me!! What I'm saying is that just not all instances of "Person A emails Person B instead of vice versa" stem from the "Person B likes A more than vice versa" cause. Sometimes Person A is just more organized or oriented toward planning than Person B.

I can't tell you how many times I've said "gah! Joe never emails me back!" and had someone else say "me too! I think he's super busy this summer."
posted by salvia at 3:17 PM on March 3

Maybe it would help to think of it more as "friendships are all different" than a hierarchy. You get different needs met with different friends, they're all looking for different things from you. You may be happy to have diversity in your friendships as things shift over time.
posted by momus_window at 6:39 PM on March 3 [2 favorites]

I have people that I've been friends with for years that I communicate with almost exclusively over IM, even though we live(d) in the same city.

I have friends that I will invite over to watch a movie every 6 months or whatever, and we have a lovely time, and its another 6 months before we see each other again.

I have friends that I share my deepest secrets with, who are more like family.

They all have value to me and in my life, and I would perish the thought of having to 'rank' them in any way. These people are in my life in different ways, and I cherish the different ways.

Not everyone has to be a bestie in order to be a valued and valuable part of your time on the planet.
posted by softlord at 4:30 PM on March 4