I want it all?

November 30, 2006 8:36 AM

What do i do about bad sex? And confusion about my sexuality? This is really scary for me. And, frankly, getting pretty boring.

Oof. Okay. I am 30. I am a woman. I have been with men and women over the years. Mostly men when I was younger, more women recently (two year relationship with "good" sex ended last year.) I have always been slightly at odds with myself for really finding men more attractive than I find women (for the most part) and really enjoying and having good sex with women whereas the sex I have had with um...ALL the men in my life has pretty much led me to think I am a lesbian.

I am open minded, verbal about my needs, curious about the desires of my partners, and a fairly well rounded lover. I like sex. I had never loved it. It never made me bump into things thinking about it, and I certainly never wanted it every day.

So this spring, I entered into a theoretical "purely physical" relationship with a man. A shy novice with a desire to learn. He gave me the first "g-spot" or "vaginal" orgasm I have ever had with out me having to say a word. The very first time we had sex. And it just kept getting better. Um, okay. I get it. Sex is clearly the center of the universe. How silly of me. I repent.

We really were a bad fit, however, emotionally and intellectually and I finally had to end it. I promise, it was the right decision. It didn't break my heart, but I sure wish he was the one to put me to bed every night...

So, a guy I dated in college, who I absolutely adore, has resurfaced and I deeply love this man with every fiber of my being. Always did. Can't seem to recall why it ended.... My "bits" really don't seem to agree.

The sex is just plain bad. Like, BAD bad. He seems to enjoy it, which baffles me. (Trust me, he wants to do it all the time!) So we clearly have sex in VERY different ways. Fine. Fair enough.

But there are other problems. The last man I was with had a large penis. Which I always though was neither here nor there. But...this man has a pretty small one. It's not why the sex is bad. Really, I'm pretty sure we could overcome that. It's the "sex" itself. But it sure doesn't help.

What is going on? I'm suddenly boy crazy due to the fact the I think some man will make me feel this way again. For the first time in my life, I'm absolutely NOT gaining ANY pleasure from sex at all with this present man that I love and respect and am attracted to (intensely...).

I suddenly have no attraction to women, but I know I could have at least "good" sex.

Did this "wonder" sex destroy my life?

Will I constantly compare every lover to him?

And how do I stop myself from thinking upon meeting a nice man, "um...can we have sex first, just to be sure it's worth the emotions?"

Have I completely lost my mind?

Anyone out there have any words of advice at all?

posted by anonymous to human relations (27 comments total)

You just need to find a penis > 6.5".
posted by four panels at 8:40 AM on November 30, 2006

Well, probably a combination of technique, size, and passion. No easy answers there.
posted by voidcontext at 8:43 AM on November 30, 2006

what about a woman with a huge strap-on?
posted by matteo at 8:45 AM on November 30, 2006 [2 favorites]

Don't have bad sex. It's better to have no sex than bad sex. Also, perhaps try to separate this recent bad sex experience from your sexuality. You need to stop having sex with this particular man. But that doesn't mean you can't keep trying to have (good) sex with other men.

Also, based on my own experience and the comments/stories of my friends, some women tend toward the vagina-g-spot-focused kind of sex for climax, and some toward the oral-clit-focused kind of sex for climax. (And, of course, some women are both, neither, etc.) So, while the full range of activities can all be good and fun and sexy, if you're the first type of woman, and assuming hetero sex w/out strap-ons, (minimum) dick size can be important. If you're the second type of woman, oral sex skills can be important.
posted by ClaudiaCenter at 8:53 AM on November 30, 2006

practice and communication can work wonders.
posted by th3ph17 at 8:55 AM on November 30, 2006

The scientific method is your friend. Experiment. Examine the results. Lather, rinse, repeat. Get toys and experiment with those. Talk with your present lover and get him to experiment with you. And count your blessings, you have an idea of the results you want which is a lot better than just random holy-grailing.
posted by jet_silver at 8:56 AM on November 30, 2006

You mention you're verbal about your needs - I'm curious how your male lovers responded to your requests? Did they try and fail, or just generally not try? (Sadly, unless you sign up, we'll never get more information that might allow us to respond constructively, because your topic is fairly broad.)

It's clear from WonderGuy that you can have satisfying sexual relationships with men, so that's a positive. So when you date guys and have sex with them, see how open they are to listening to what you want, and giving you what you need. I don't know there's much we can suggest beyond that. Have you discussed the sex with the old flame? (It sounds like you're dating him again?) How did he respond?
posted by canine epigram at 8:57 AM on November 30, 2006

Sexual enjoyment isn't just physical technique but emotional. Is it possible that wonderboy aroused you emotionally (either in the bedroom or in generally) in a different way from other men?

Was he phyiscally attractive? Did he have characteristics you found sexy (e.g., powerful, innocent, mysterious, dangerous, caring, confident, etc.)? How did he treat you?
posted by anonymous_k at 8:59 AM on November 30, 2006

Heh. My first girlfriend and I had great sex. She was 18, I was 21. We had a mutual orgasm the first time around. After we broke up, I heard from a mutual friend who told me that she'd run through about 5 guys in the first year after we dated, and then switched to women.

My 2nd, 3rd, 4th, 5th, 6th, 7th, 8th, 9th, 10th, 11th, 12th, and 13th partners were nothing to write home about.

The 14th and I have been dating on and off for the past year, and she's said I've ruined her for other men. She's come fairly close to ruining me for other women.

Good sex has to do with size, technique, motion, rythm, ability to read your partner and not be wrapped up in your enjoyment so much. Some people fit together well, some people don't. Some people fit together at some times and not at others, like my current girl. Some people fit together in some ways and not in others, like you and your current boy.

My advice: You love him, but you can love him as a friend if sex is important to you. A person who you're going to enter into a long-term relationship should be able to please you in every way -- mentally, physically, and intellectually. If he can't be trained into giving you an orgasm in some way, shape or form... Either go find someone else, or find a way to get interesting reading material projected into the ceiling.
posted by SpecialK at 8:59 AM on November 30, 2006

Oh dear. Bad sex is such a problem. I think you can help someone become a better lover by guiding them towards things you like, but if you're sexually incompatible it's not been my experience that you can change that.

I once had a lover who could have penetrative sex for approximately 10 seconds, or enough time to penetrate me three times. Then he would climax. To make up for this he would go down on me for approximately a quarter of a millenium. I like it but not *that* much. I, to put it politely, need dick. He didn't see this as a problem and I did, and I could not stay with him.

I don't think there is any way I can be with someone I can't get with in bed. I guess the thing is whether or not this is a fixable situation.

Is he open-minded? Is he teachable? Does he know about women's sexual anatomy? Does he have a holistic approach to sexuality? These would all be good signs. If they aren't present then it's hard to have hope for a situation like that.

As for being "ruined" by someone's too-amazing sex, this honestly has happened to me. Fortunately I have had a few other lovers since then, who were amazing in their own quite different ways, and now it's mostly a fond memory with a twinge of animal desire. It does fade.
posted by loiseau at 8:59 AM on November 30, 2006

I hate to say this but if any integral part of the relationship just doesn't work out, you will never be fully happy. make a decision - how important is this to you - and act upon it.
posted by krautland at 9:00 AM on November 30, 2006

Some people are going to be sexually compatable with you. Some people are going to be emotionally compatable with you. Some people will be both. Decide whether the emotional is good enough to work on the sexual; if not, get out there and look for your "both."

(I know I'm paraphrasing Dan Savage, I just can't find the column in which he addresses this question...)
posted by AV at 9:01 AM on November 30, 2006

Need more details on why the sex is bad, frankly. You might want to email Jessamyn and have her post for you. I've seen it done on other questions like this.

Anyway, are you certain you've been clear with him? Have you told him that you think the sex could be better? That it is downright bad and you need more for a relationship to continue? That might break you guys up or maybe get things done. I'd suspect that he isn't getting your message.

If you're relying on "vaginal orgasms" as being the standard for good, good luck. Some of my gf's have gotten them, others no. I've always been able to provide otherwise, so it hasn't been a problem for those that couldn't.

I just read something like 30% of women never have them.

Also what part of your ideas about sex are playing into this, i.e. are you staying away from oral? I doubt it if you have done so well with women in the past, but I thought I would just check.
posted by Ironmouth at 9:04 AM on November 30, 2006

Thank you, AV, for mentioning Dan Savage.

I am a regular reader of "Savage Love" and this question (in a variety of forms) comes up quite regularly. City Pages keeps an archive of his columns and you may wish to look through them.

Often, he has advised people in similar situations to think about staying with the one they love and exploring the possibility of an open relationship to meet their sexual needs.
posted by melangell at 9:16 AM on November 30, 2006

It seems so unfair that "voyage" is usually followed "discovery" only to be closely followed by "compromise/sacrifice". Not long after we discover what we are capable of, we have to determine the extent to which it will play a role in our expectations.

I believe you when you say that you are verbal about your needs with partners, because you have expressed yourself so finely here. And while it's frustrating to be anonymous, it was smart to protect yourself from EVER having to defend the fact that you said publicly that sex with this particular guy was bad (BAD!). That's the kind of thing that could really screw things up even years down the road if you guys stay together. I advise you plunk down the $5 and invest in a sock-puppet for this (and possibly future) discussions about your sexuality.

How sexually experienced is this guy you're seeing now? It's possible that he's not as experienced as he lets on, and it's also possible that he's picked up habits or a mentality about sex that might have worked for someone, but not for you. It can be hard to break those habits, especially if people are so gentle with your feelings that they never let you know that it's just. not. working.

From the way you describe your feelings for him, I think you should try to keep this going and see if you can overcome this barrier. Obviously you've overcome just as large a barrier in the past, this is just a new one. Before you had to try to evolve so that you could enjoy intimacy with anyone, now you have it narrowed down to just one person you'd like to find the key to.

Don't compare this guy to that other great one-- you are giving too much credit to that great one for the intensity of what you experienced. And you will definitely get there again, maybe even with this dream guy if you continue to explore your options (and his) and consider this just another part of that ongoing voyage, not a sacrifice you must make or a conclusion you must draw.

Now go pay your $5 and come back and tell us all about it.
posted by hermitosis at 9:22 AM on November 30, 2006 [1 favorite]

Bring another woman into bed with you. Your guy will love you forever and she can get you off. Just throwing ideas out there.
posted by GalaxieFiveHundred at 9:29 AM on November 30, 2006

He seems to enjoy it, which baffles me.

Did you try asking him? Did you tell him you were getting much satisfaction?

and WHY is the sex so bad, bad BAD. That seems to be core, so a better explanation would help.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 9:29 AM on November 30, 2006

As stated above. Bad sex is bad sex. If it was bad years ago and it's still bad now after he's likely had several other lovers... what hope is there it's going to improve?

Yes, do separate the issue with the amazing man sex from your sexuality. If you've enjoyed sex with women for the most part and have had an amazing encounter with a man... well that's all it is. Your sexuality isn't necessarily tied to the quality of the sex that you have with a particular gender, it's much more than that.

Do you tend to date only one type of woman or one type of man? I ask because I've known a couple of lesbians that loved being with women, but felt their sex life wasn't all it could be. One of them started dating a male identified butch and fell nicely into a butch/femme relationship. She loves it. Says it's the most satisfying sex she's ever had. I'm not saying this is for you, but just as a data point, that sometimes it's about energy.

Drop me a line if you want to dialog about this.
posted by FlamingBore at 9:47 AM on November 30, 2006

If you really like this person, you're open to talking about what you want, and he is motivated about having a lot of sex, I think that things look good for you two.

I'd suggest you really try to boil down WHAT was hott about the hott sex you've had (with this last guy or whoever) and try to work those qualities into your current sexual relationship. Tell the guy you love that you want to have sex, but you need to try some new things to make it better for you. Tell him that you want to be turned over and spanked, or gently caressed and whispered to, or licked from head to tow or whatever it is.

I'd also suggest watching some high quality porn together or reading erotica aloud. If doing these things don't turn you on (which they might), at least they'll give you an opportunity to talk about what's hot for each of you. (My personal favorite of the moment is The Crash Pad, but maybe you guys would be more into straight porn or something else.

Taking a tantra class together, going to a sex party together, or inviting a third person into your bed are also other ways to 'work' on new ways to have sex without feeling like you're doing homework.

Finally, I think toys are a Good Thing. Let him fuck you and get off if that's cool with you, and then have him fuck you with a big giant dildo (or do yourself with it.) Use a vibrator. get a butt plug in him or you before you go at it.

Good luck and have fun!
posted by serazin at 10:14 AM on November 30, 2006

You said it yourself: The relationship with Wonderboy was, and was always meant to be, purely physical. He was inexperienced, and he came to you to learn. That says to me that he was probably very deliberate about things, and very focused on learning your body and finding ways to please you. In other words, he probably approached sex with beginner's mind. (Also, if he's anything like the inexperienced people I've known, I bet he was also a whole lot slower about things then the other guys you've dated.)

If I'm right about this (and who knows if I am) the question then becomes one of how to get your current, better-fitting sweetie to approach sex like it's something new. One way to do that might be to try to learn an unfmailiar technique together. You could do this by taking on something huge, like Tantra or pegging, or by doing something less intense, like taking a couples' massage class, or a seminar on kissing at your local yuppie sex-toy shop.

Having offered a potential fix, I do have to echo the other posters who have said that, if ultimately, you can't make the sex work, the rest of the relationship will probably not work either. Sexual misery is a cancer on the soul.
posted by palmcorder_yajna at 10:27 AM on November 30, 2006

Have you considered an open relationship? Admittedly, this can easily lead to disaster and must be an incredibly difficult topic to broach. But if everyone is mature and understands the ground rules it can work. Its absolutely crucial that everyone is on the same page though. Again, just throwing ideas out there.

Personally, I think it's ridiculous to expect one person to be able to be everything to you. Having said that, I'm a one woman man. Grudgingly so I admit, but life is full of difficult choices I suppose.

IMO, finding a good lay is easy. Finding someone who fulfills you emotionally and intellectually is much more difficult. So, I think it's worth it to try and make it work with this guy. Think outside the box. Good luck!
posted by GalaxieFiveHundred at 11:44 AM on November 30, 2006

Also (and I couldn't post this from work earlier) there are positions that maximize penetration in cases where the dude ain't as big as, well, other dudes. Read up on that (Savage Love mentions this a lot).
posted by hermitosis at 11:48 AM on November 30, 2006

Ack, open relationships have already been covered. I second the motion then.
posted by GalaxieFiveHundred at 11:53 AM on November 30, 2006

If you're relying on "vaginal orgasms" as being the standard for good, good luck. Some of my gf's have gotten them, others no. I've always been able to provide otherwise, so it hasn't been a problem for those that couldn't.

I'm going to disagree a bit here -- I'm not sure this is a helpful way to consider your individual sexual experiences and preferences. I mean, it may be helpful to know what other people experience, but your body is your body and you like what you like. Your experience may be very different from the "norm" that you hear or read about.
posted by ClaudiaCenter at 12:21 PM on November 30, 2006

Serazin, that interview with the lesbian porn director you linked to was fascinating. And her own site links here where the women are absolutely gorgeous. I just wish they didn't call them girls, though.
posted by hazyjane at 12:39 PM on November 30, 2006

My partner and I have been together about 8 years -- without an open relationship, we would have parted ways years ago, when we realized that we just weren't very compatible sexually. Not saying this is the right path for you, just throwing out some anecdotal evidence that such arrangements can sometimes work (to the contrary of conventional wisdom).
posted by treepour at 12:55 PM on November 30, 2006

I'm not saying that the poster shouldn't consider leaving if that's what she wants--just that it sometimes works and sometimes doesn't, depending on the partner etc. I'm saying that she may have to search a long time to find someone compatible on that one thing and that if her expectations are different, then she should be prepared for the search.

We need more info here.
posted by Ironmouth at 1:19 PM on November 30, 2006