A woman I'm seeing has an ex who was abusive, and is now back in her life and an active violent threat. Help us respond appropriately.
I'll try to keep it calm and concise...
I've been seeing W for a few months and she told me that she was in a relationship that became abusive and ended with police intervention, but it was in the past. Recently her ex came back into the picture by somehow talking his way into her flat and then assaulting her (thankfully this time no lasting injury resulted, but it easily could have, she was violently thrown to the floor before it ended). She called the police and got some kind of provisional restraining order, she is in the process of getting a permanent one right now. This is in Berlin, and W is a German citizen, while ex is an expat from another 1st world country.
Since she got the temporary restraining order, ex, who is educated, has a known name in his field and a reputation to maintain, has started harassing her digitally and publicly (example: WARNING - very much triggering, anonymized, sexually violent language here
) and showing up at the homes of common friends who live too close to not run afoul of the restraining order. We think that the nature of these outbursts indicate that he is having some kind of psychotic break.
Ex is not aware that I exist, something that W made sure of because she thought my safety would be endangered if he knew of me. We've documented and reported every online outburst, and we're in the process of moving through the legal steps and considering pressing criminal charges to get him deported, but we're worried about what may happen before the legal system reacts.
We're getting W out of her apartment and into a sublet until this blows over, communicating the situation to every bystander we can think of that may also be in danger, and so on.
Things we're considering that I'd like to get some feedback on:
- Being armed with basic defensive stuff like pepperspray.
- Contacting all family and close friends of ex and asking them to intervene, because he seems mentally ill and if criminal proceedings actually go through, his life may be damaged. He has no real life to speak of in this country and we would ask them to try to get him back to his native country. We're not sure if this is a wise course of action because we think it may set him off even more.
- We're worried about any direct communication with ex (phone or email) because, although he should not be able to physically locate myself or W, he may lash out at the next best target. Then again, we would like to put him on notice and ask him to leave the country.
I think in the next month or so this problem can be solved within the legal system. But, we want to make sure that we do everything properly in the next few weeks before the legal system can react, so any feedback would be very welcome.