December 11, 2012 4:30 PM Subscribe
How do I deal with not knowing if my relationship is over or not? If it is, how do I heal from losing the love of my life?
posted by Pericardium to Human Relations (14 answers total) 6 users marked this as a favorite
Note: I'm female.
Our relationship started out great, then we both went through some horrible things at the same time and treated each other poorly. We had a heart-to-heart and decided that we never had a chance to grow as a couple due to us having outside difficulties so soon into the relationship and taking it out on each other. We thought we'd gotten comfortable in the wrong dynamic and agreed to work to change things.
It's been two weeks and her certainty about us is dwindling. She loves me, she wants to be with me and wants a future with me, doesn't want to break up, has hope for us but (long story short) worries that there is no coming back from our past. She told me this today and I reminded her that she said she wanted to try two weeks ago and that wasn't very much time. She said she will give it more time.
I'm terrified. I can barely get out of bed. I have a constant pain in my chest. I have important things going on in my life and I fear that she's just waiting for that to be over so she can leave me without me fucking up my life.
The thing that gets to me is that this isn't my first relationship. It's my fifth. And my second love. It doesn't help me to think that I'll heal and find someone else because I don't think I will. I told myself that the first four times, and I only met one other person I fell in love with. And she's eerily similar to the first person I fell in love with only better. I feel like I'm losing the love of my life for stupid mistakes I made. I mention my mistakes alone because she hasn't lost me over hers. I'm feeling like I met this wonderful person after so long of searching and I messed it up. I love everything about her, she makes me so happy. We make each other laugh, we cry in each other's arms, I love all the little silly things she does and her ambition and her caring and just everything about her. We talked about marriage, kids, our life together, even while the bad things she's telling me she isn't sure we can overcome were happening.
How do you deal with feeling like someone's a perfect fit for you and if you had made an effort to fix things sooner you wouldn't be losing them right now?
How do you go on with your regular life knowing that your partner is probably going to come to you any minute and tell you they've been thinking and it's over?
I don't know how to live. She wants to spend time with me and every time she comes over I'm going to worry she's coming over to break up with me. I can barely spend time with her without second guessing everything she does, if she really wants to kiss me, if she's thinking of leaving me, if I show any pain if that'll be a bad thing, if we talk about the relationship if she'll leave me, if our happy times together are just facades and she's really hurting inside.
If I don't see her, she's going to conclude that I'm happier without her and leave me. I can't talk to her about how I feel because she's going to see it as her still hurting me and leave. Of course I'm hurting, she's talking about leaving!
My friends don't like her and I can't talk to them without hearing good riddance. I understand why, but they've told me things about their relationships that are far worse than what I've been through and they're still with the person! I feel so frustrated and alone. I can't go on a rebound (the way I normally heal) because we're still together. I feel like I'm in a suspended state where we're already over but I can't begin to heal. I don't want to leave her preemptively because if she is going to give it time and isn't just waiting for certain things to be over I don't want to ruin that.
In case this counts she said she wanted to work things out as friends and that maybe we could have our future together when we were in better places in our lives. But we both talked about a "break" in the past and both agreed that it does more harm than good so I think she was just trying to let me down easy.
I don't have hard feelings for her. I know she's human and she's struggling with wanting to be with me and being in love with me but wanting to make the decision that will make us both happy in the future. I don't feel like she's stringing me along, I can walk away at any time. I don't disagree with her decision to leave with the relationship the way it is now. Without making this too much longer, I'll just say that there's a lot of factors in the relationship that make me feel that things can get better that have nothing to do with me being in love with her. And I'm only pushing her to keep trying because she just told me two weeks ago that that's what she wanted.
I would love to hear from people who have been in a similar situation. It would be nice to know that I'm not alone, that it does get better, no matter how your relationship turned out. I've tried to sift through the breakup askmes but they're either posted by the dumper (painful!) or it was a first love type situation.