The 39 year old semi-virgin
November 23, 2012 4:29 PM Subscribe
I'm dating someone new who is 38 and considers herself to be more or less a virgin. She's nervous about sex but also pretty interested. How can I make this ok for her?
Total NSFW oversharing below...
posted by mockpuppet to Human Relations (15 answers total) 4 users marked this as a favorite
I'll try to skip all the snowflakes and give you the meat.
I've been out 5 times with someone I like a whole lot. She's 39, and confessed to me the other night that she's had sex only a few times, never with the same person. She's fooled around a lot with some partners while in long term relationships (she was formerly religious, so PIV sex was not on the table). Sounds to me like she was in the sort of late 30s thing of trying to find a partner and being frustrated, a little picky and maybe just never moving forward very much.
She came over my house the last night and we had some pretty awesome naked making out. I felt like she was meeting me more than halfway in every sense. But as far as actual sex goes, she was way too nervous to do it.
So I'm just looking for some suggestions on how to handle this. I'd like her to be comfortable. I do find it difficult to be totally rational and supportive in that situation because my own hormones are going into total high gear, but I'm doing my best, and she's expressed that she feels really comfortable with me.
Something I noticed is that she's super, super easily aroused. I never saw someone who could almost climax just from gentle touching of her pubic hair. Breasts, likewise. She said everything felt great, and she looked like she was very much into it, but she said that she feels like she's losing control, and she's not totally comfortable with that feeling.
She volunteered that she has not been abused. I really do feel like she desires to figure all of this out. And she has a nice, natural way of being physically affectionate...not awkward at all. It was really enjoyable being with her. I have a personal problem moving too fast with sex, which has been a tremendous relationship killer in the past.
If I didn't feel a tremendous amount of chemistry between us, I would probably not choose to date someone who considers herself a virgin. But I like her quite a bit, and she seems to feel similarly. So, I'm looking for thoughts or advice on how to make her more comfortable. I can only imagine how nervous I'd be about sex if I hadn't really had any at our age. That said I feel like I can only dig in so deep with someone in a relationship before I'm wondering what sex would be like between us.
Fundamentally there's just a basic question on making her feel relaxed enough to be able to try to have sex. She was saying that she feels like it might help her to get really drunk, which is not really appealing to me. Maybe a valium or something might help. But she definitely is pretty nervous about the basic sensation of sex and that's manifesting itself physically.
Anyway, thoughts, observations, anequdotes would be very appreciated.