I need you guys to kick some RelationshipFilter sense into me. I am currently in a pretty serious relationship with a great person, but we are in a bit of a slump. I have been dealing with real mental and physical health issues, and we have been working through them, but it is tough. We are both facing a possible move at the end of this academic year, and we will have to make some serious decisions pretty soon.
Of course, at this moment, the ex from this post
has decided to resurface. We have been pretty good at staying friends and I know he is in another long-term relationship as well, even though I secretly sorta kinda miss him and always have. But not in a very active or important way, since I started seeing this current person. And, despite that other post, I left well enough alone and did not make some huge declaration of feeling at that time. It seemed to be the right move.
Except now, we met for coffee (which we do occasionally) and he suddenly blurted out that he can't stop thinking about me and misses me. This, in the middle of everything, threw me for a loop. In response, I gave him a hug and said I liked seeing him, or some similar innocuous response. Since then we have been emailing each other a lot more and had one phone call. I've told my SO about all of this and neither of us has said anything that is unkosher , so to speak, in these emails. But this is bringing all up kinds of old feelings and making it hard, mostly because I also miss this guy. My current relationship, though wonderful in so many ways, still isn't what I had with that ex. I've noticed they have very different "love languages" - my current guy is much more of a doer, expressing his feelings by doing things that demonstrate the extent of his feelings. I know this is how he shows love and I understand it, but I sometimes miss the intense verbal exchanges that my ex and I used to have. I don't know if he is unhappy with his current girlfriend, and I still feel like things are unresolved between us. The fact that I still feel like this after four years, and that I sort of maybe threw something so special away, makes me so unbearably sad.
I also, logically, know a lot of other important things. I know that I am probably thinking about him because of all the current issues I have going on in my life. I know that I do not want to do anything to hurt my current SO and that it would be unwise to really think too much about this right now. I also know that we have both changed a lot and the person I miss probably isn't the same as the person he is now (or I am now). But now I am starting to relive all the pain and sadness from that last breakup, including how often I wished I had not done it and how I have never told him how much I miss him, too. My heart is aching a little bit.
Mefi, is there any good to be had from talking to this guy about our past now? I don't know if his intentions are entirely platonic or clear, and I don't know if I should ask him or not - I guess I will have to if these emails continue. Maybe we are eventually headed for a point where we can end up together, but I really don't know if that is possible. Moreover, I don't want to be wallowing in pain from a breakup four years ago. How do I reconcile myself to just living my life and trying not to let this get to me too much? Do I cut off all contact? Learn to live with the fact that maybe I'm still not over this guy and might never have something so special again? I guess this happens all the time, but it is pretty damn sad.
Thanks, as always.