The one that got away?
January 11, 2010 9:19 AM Subscribe
How on earth can this work out alright?
posted by bookgirl18 to human relations (19 answers total) 2 users marked this as a favorite
I can't believe I'm posting another Long Ridiculous RelationshipFilter question. But here I am, in a pickle.
I have an ex. He is my ex because I broke up with him, in September of 08. I loved him more than I've ever loved anyone. But we were long-distance after I graduated college (leaving him still there finishing school, actually) and found ourselves faced with what seemed like insurmountable obstacles. Neither one of us wanted to change our lives enough for the other, and I got resentful and restless.
Here's the kicker: One drunken evening, while confessing my worries about Ex to a friend, the friend kissed me. And I didn't pull away. In fact, I kissed back.
Shamefully, cowardly, I never told Ex. Instead, I took this to be the final nail in the coffin and ended things without confessing. (I also stopped drinking around said friend. He is in a relationship with someone else. He is not a present issue.)
Fast forward to now. Ex and I have stayed in sporadic contact and seen each other every now and then since the breakup. He just moved to my city for work, ironically enough. I just got out of another relationship, which wasn't working at all, perhaps in part because I never stopped having feelings for ex. I've compared everyone I've dated (or been on dates with) since to him, unfavorably. Ex recently called me up and we met for coffee. It was really lovely, and I'm thrilled to have him back in my life at all. But, deep down, I know I want more. I miss him. I want to tell him I'm sorry, to tell him I never stopped loving him, that I think he's the real deal.
Problems with this idea:
1) Ex is seeing someone. I don't know how serious they are. That feels unkosher to me. (Imagine how I'd feel if I were in her shoes!)
2) I don't know if I am in the best place to start another relationship. I am still reeling from the last one. The thing to do would be to work on myself, figuring out my own dreams and goals and trying not to pin them on a guy. I don't want to drag someone into my own confuzzled life when it would only make him unhappy.
3) The prior drunken kiss.
Can Ex and I build a (hypothetical) future without that kind of disclosure? If we do end up giving things another try, would telling him be the right thing, or would it only cause him pain?
Bottom line is that I'm afraid if I don't tell him the truth about my feelings while I still can, I'll regret it forever. Really forever. Dream-about-it-in-the-middle-of-the-night-when-I'm-an-old-lady forever. Even if I get shot down, at least I'll have tried and will be able to move forward. Right? Maybe? Or am I just being selfish?
Lay it on me, MeFites. Thanks.