How do I help my friend find a boyfriend?
October 19, 2012 4:13 PM Subscribe
DatingFilter: What dating advice do I give to my friend?
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (12 answers total) 5 users marked this as a favorite
I've known my friend forever and she is both very much like me and very much unlike me. We're both intelligent, competitive, hyper-rational, loyal, ambitious, career-focused, well-traveled, well-educated and generous with the people we care about. We both grew up with somewhat conservative families and both had no dating experience until college. (We're both in our mid-20s.) We're both curvy and probably slightly overweight. I can't speak for myself, but when my friend dresses up--which she does more than I do--she's smoking hot. Even my boyfriend says so. (And yes, that's cool by me.)
We both suffer the same problem with dating: We come off as very domineering women when really we both want to be pursued. We come off as confident--and we are, in most areas--but we're actually very insecure when it comes to romance and our own attractiveness.
I have solved this problem with a very practical approach: I identify as kinky, and specifically sought out dominant men. On or before my first dates, before I found my partner, I was always very explicit on both how I present to others and what I am actually looking for in a relationship. This has worked well for me, and I have been in 2 long term relationships, despite never really caring if I was single or not.
However, my friend wants romance and serendipity. She's still getting over the "but it doesn't mean as much if I have to tell him to do it" mentality, which I've been slowly trying to convince her of otherwise. She's too embarrassed to post up a profile online, and vehemently defends her vanilla-ness, which is okay. (Though in my experience, because kinky people do things in so many different ways, kinky people are usually more explicit about the type of relationships they want.) My friend also does not have time to really meet people in person outside of her rigorous grad program, and the grad program does not have any potential boyfriends.
She has always wanted a relationship for as long as I've known her, and at this point gets kind of offended if people offer her casual sex. (She's hot, and they do, on a regular basis. But she's actually conservative and would not be comfortable with physical intimacy until the emotional intimacy is there. And it's not like she never wants to have sex, just not until there's some other connection.) She wants to have monogamy she can trust before physical intimacy. And yet, she has not had any experience that she would call a "serious relationship." At this point, it's become something of a sore point, and a (possibly only) source of insecurity.
I want to do my bestie duty, but I don't know how to help her. To me, she has all the qualifications of being a great girlfriend and is definitely more "qualified" than I am, by most measurements. She is slowly dipping her toe into online dating, and in the meanwhile meeting interested people and kinda-sorta telling them she's interested in very roundabout ways. (She says it's because they have mutual friends, and doesn't want it to backfire if the guy is not interested.) I don't know any single guys who would be a good fit for her (either because of age, or because they would want physical intimacy before monogamy, or some other deal breaker). And I'm wondering if there's anything she or I can do to help her find a significant other.
(She's very aware that her first relationship might fail, due to lack of relationship skills or probability. However, she's willing to give it her all regardless.)
[If it matters, I'm an Asian American dating a caucasian and she's a caucasian American whose ideal boyfriend is an Asian American.]