Bad Relationship Anxiety--And I'm Utterly Single Right Now
October 7, 2012 6:18 PM Subscribe
How reasonable is it to expect my future/potential boyfriend or husband to NOT fantasize / masturbate to other women? Is it off-my-rocker to expect this from a man I'm in love with?
posted by rhythm_queen to Human Relations (73 answers total) 9 users marked this as a favorite
This is going to be random, but...How do I deal with the idea that a potential boyfriend may be masturbating/fantasizing to other ladies...who are not me? And is it reasonable to expect a boyfriend to think I am the sexiest lady of all time? =P
As I even write that, I know it's not reasonable. While I have been told often that I am very attractive, and know that all kinds of guys find me to be pretty darn sexually titillating, I know there are plenty of other women who are probably more so. Like celebrities, or porn stars, or even the chick in my finance class with the great ass (though that's debatable). But is it totally unreasonable to expect my future boyfriend to avoid having these thoughts and fantasies of other women? Or at least, to have me as the forefront of all his sexual fantasies?
I feel perturbed by the news from one of my guy friends that all men apparently masturbate and fantasize about women they're not technically with. I realize this is probably true considering how many married men stare at me up and down, but I fooled myself with the notion that it couldn't possibly be true for ME, considering I'm so bloody special....
I don't even have a boyfriend, mind you. I haven't had one in years. I just heard from a guy friend of mine about how sometimes, a photo is just sexier than your girlfriend to jerk off to and if anyone says they don't jerk off to other people, they're lying. That kind of sickens me and makes me sick with anxiety and jealousy. Part of the reason is probably that it's taken me so long to feel comfortable in my body and my sexuality--and some internet naked lady is going to take that away from me? Or even some other girl in class with a nice ass?
I guess it hurts but it hurts more not knowing if I'm being unreasonable. Is it unreasonable to expect that a guy not jerk off to other women? I really don't think so, but...at the same time, I'm not a guy, you know?
I know part of it is that I'm just not experienced in relationships--sexual or otherwise. If I were in my ideal relationship, I feel as though my man would want me and solely think of me--I'm no cookie cutter, sexually, and I have a lot of potential to be fantasy material!--and vice versa. I feel as though our intimacy would depend on complete, total, physical and mental monogamy.
But this leads me to my other relationship anxiety: I read EVERYWHERE that men are not wired for monogamy, that their minds and eyes naturally stray, and that it's completely normal to do so. Is it really that unnatural, monogamy? I haven't had a serious relationship in a VERY long time, but I've seen a lot of great monogamous couples. Is it really true that men are not wired for monogamy? It makes me sick when married men check me out because this means that my future husband will be checking out other beautiful women, too! Is this normal: both my feelings, as well as the reality that guys check out pretty ladies?
Also, I do realize that my future boyfriend or husband could possibly find other women more beautiful than me. I can't control that! I do want to control how sexually stimulating I am to my man, though--and if another woman does it for him more, would it be a good reason to break up?
I have been ruminating on this for far too long!
Please help my anxiety out! What has helped me so far is realizing that everyone's relationships will unfold uniquely, that my friend's words are not All Men Of Everywhere's law, and that people have been having successful relationships forever. Knowing this helps me feel better, no matter if I am being reasonable or not.
Thank you so much for reading this!