Friends of exes - always off limits?
October 5, 2012 7:23 AM Subscribe
Briefly dated someone - is his friend off limits?
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (22 answers total) 2 users marked this as a favorite
I dated a friend in my wider social circle, X, for two months. We get along great but there wasn't much relationship potential, he ended it, that was three months ago. We're friendly but don't see much of each other.
X has a close friend Z. They work in the same field and hang out often, and so naturally I got to know Z a little while dating X. They both have good taste, senses of humor, both my type. Now I've seen Z around a handful of times without X, we had good chats but nothing flirty, and I've developed a crush. Now I'm kicking myself because I pursued X openly in front of Z the whole time, when I could have gone for him, but X was more extroverted and returned my attention, but he was the poorer choice in terms of potential boyfriend material.
Is it insulting or stupid to make moves on Z? Normally I would just ask for a date like I did with X, but in this case I feel like I can't because there's no way it won't seem like Z is a second choice. I don't think X would mind, would maybe even be happy about it if it meant the three of us spent more time together. But it may change their dynamic in some way and without question they would both put their friendship before me if it came to that.
If it's not a terrible idea, is there any way to avoid giving Z the impression that he is less desirable, a rebound, etc.? I only got to talking to him because of X anyway, and I feel richer for knowing both of them. It just took more time to click with Z, but should I drop it for the sake of avoiding drama and keeping both of them as friends? I know the rule of thumb is don't do this, and it feels like I'm trying to have my cake and eat it, but then I don't know how either guy feels for sure. we're all late 20s.