How can I step up my kissing game?

September 29, 2012 12:48 PM

How can I step up my kissing game?

I've kissed many women in my life, but only twice have I been with really, really good kissers—and every time with them it's been electric. Most of the time I get really slack-jawed women who are sort of passively kissing, but not being very muscular and forceful with their mouths. So, two questions:

- Are there just different kissing styles different people are attracted to?
- Can I improve my kissing to create that same forceful, intense feelings with others?

posted by Hot Like Your 12V Wire to human relations (18 answers total)

IAAK, IANYK.

Kissing is about pacing, giving cues, and paying attention to cues. If I were any good at dancing, I'd say it was like that. But I am not.

I started to try and rationalize a kiss in a decision tree, but then realized I would NEVER GET LAID AGAIN except perhaps by Commander Data. So I won't do that.

Instead, here is one path from that tree.

It starts when the two of you are ready to kiss. You move closer. Your mouth is not parted, repeat NOT PARTED: you are neither a lamprey or a remora.

And kiss with closed but soft lips. Because making firm chimpanzee lips would be weird most times, ESPECIALLY NOW.

After a bit, if you want to go further, and if you think the kissee does too (you're paying attention to cues, remember? Their head tilting, their breath quickening, their holding of a sign saying "IS THIS ALL YOU GOT?"), you might part your lips. If they do too, congratulations, you are onto STAGE TWO OF SMOOCHING!

In general, take your time, do not treat anything as forever or inevitably moving forward, but instead be in the moment, and at times receptive, decisive, and playful.

Soon you will be the smooch-envy of your peers.
posted by zippy at 1:06 PM on September 29, 2012 [13 favorites]

Empathy. All of the empathy.
posted by cmoj at 1:08 PM on September 29, 2012 [3 favorites]

"muscular and forceful with their mouths"?

Ick.

In my opinion, an aggressive kisser is a bad kisser. I mean, you don't want to be a slackjawed mushmouth either, but I really hate it when I'm kissing a dude and he's, like, Taking Care Of Business on my face.

Generally this goes hand in hand with my frustration about the way some guys have sex -- that I Am Doing Sex To You Now (drill baby drill) thing is not the best approach.

Zippy makes good points.
posted by Sara C. at 1:14 PM on September 29, 2012 [9 favorites]

Ok no offense, but have you considered you might be the "bad" kidder here -- from the perspective of the women who were kissing more gently?

If I'm understanding you right, you like the kind of kissing where your mouths a smushed up together with the force of a thousand warriors. Well, I'm sure there are women who like that; I'm not one of them, though I've kissed guys like you. They were the bad kissers. They made me feel like they were trying to suffocate me. There was nothing sensual or romantic about it.

Now, I consider myself a good kissers. I've been told so. I've made guys swoon. I don't go slack-jawed, but I imagine it might feel like that with a guy who was trying to suck the life out of my face. The same kind of guy who wants to suffocate me by sticking his tongue so far down ky throat I can't breathe.

When I kiss, I vary the pace. I use pressure and gentleness. I've kissed plenty of guys who kissed me like this, and ZOMG swoon. It takes my breath away - and not because my airways are getting cut off. They... definitely vary the pace, go excruciatingly slow, gentle tongue action.

I suggest you practice lightening it up, being gentle, going for the feather touch, even gentler and slower than you think you ought to. See how that feels, because I'd it feels amazing and you've just never tried it.

If you still want to be that guy who makes me feel like my mouth is going to be bruised in the morning... well, there's probably some girls out there who kiss like that, but as you already know they are few and far between.
posted by DoubleLune at 1:19 PM on September 29, 2012 [16 favorites]

*kisser
posted by DoubleLune at 1:20 PM on September 29, 2012

To answer your first question, yes, there are different kissing styles different people are attracted to. However, this varies really widely within an individual, too. Different moods and occasions demand different kisses. Maybe you're feeling more forceful and passionate and the woman is still in the slow and gentle zone? Just because she's responding to you at one point in one way doesn't mean she won't respond to you differently in a different situation. Pre-sex kisses are vastly different than making out kisses or getting to know you kisses.
posted by Mizu at 1:22 PM on September 29, 2012

- Are there just different kissing styles different people are attracted to?

Yes.

- Can I improve my kissing to create that same forceful, intense feelings with others?

Probably not. Some women have been socialised into not expressing passion because of the whole liking sex=slut thing. Some women are naturally passive and not aggressive. Someone women like soft kisses, not strong ones. Some women are crap at kissing. Etc.

Asking them to grab you and kiss you may help, but really, most women are not going to be compatible with your style - it's not necessarily you, it's not necessarily them, it's just how it goes.
posted by heyjude at 1:24 PM on September 29, 2012

I'm a woman and my experience has been exactly like that of DoubleLune's.
posted by whitelily at 1:24 PM on September 29, 2012

"Are there just different kissing styles different people are attracted to?"

Yeah, pretty much.

One thing that occurs to me: how aggressive are you in your kissing? The slack jawed ladies might be stepping back a little in the hope that you step up and bring some forcefulness, because they, like you, like aggressive kissing.
posted by MadamM at 1:25 PM on September 29, 2012

At this point I pretty much just kiss Mr. Pterodactyl but that is super awesome so I will share some thoughts. All of this is of course contingent on positive feedback from your partner; if s/he isn't into it, dial it back a bit. If s/he is pushing for something more intense and you're comfortable with that, go for it! Kissing is great! That said, here is my advice:

1. Don't underestimate lips! They are nice and soft and pillowy. Make sure you take care of yours with chapstick so your kissing compatriots are having a pleasant experience.

2. Start slow. Gently explore lips with lips first, don't rush it. Sometimes just keeping lips gently together and kissing and sort of feeling someone else's lips will be REALLY nice. Think about how delicate elephants are with the tips of their trunks as they twitch and examine. That's about what your lips should be doing.

3. If you start exploring gently with lips, you will often naturally get to a point where you explore more forcefully with lips, then begin to open your mouth. If everything is going well, it's not so much a decision as a compulsion. Just feel the lips, experience that, and then if you feel a need to be more intense (but still gentle!) go for it.

4. At this point you might begin to open mouths a little bit, just to keep the sensation going. You've explored lips...what else is there to explore? Inside lips, carefully inside mouths...at this point pressure will increase.

5. Now that you're going open mouth, just be careful about teeth. In general, people don't really want their teeth banging together. I wouldn't do anything with tongues until you're already full-on open mouth kissing; as a general rule of thumb, if your tongue could be seen don't stick it out! Wait until that becomes a natural area for further exploration.

6. At this point you're pretty much on your own, sport! See what feels right and go for it! I just got my wisdom teeth out so unfortunately further detailed research at this point is not in the cards but I am happy to do some field work and get back to you when the swelling goes down.
posted by Mrs. Pterodactyl at 1:28 PM on September 29, 2012 [2 favorites]

When I kiss, I vary the pace. I use pressure and gentleness. I've kissed plenty of guys who kissed me like this, and ZOMG swoon. It takes my breath away - and not because my airways are getting cut off. They... definitely vary the pace, go excruciatingly slow, gentle tongue action.

Seconding this. If you can manage to be varied, and not just moving forward to MORE INTENSE LIP MASHY SMOOCHING but also easing up, yes, actually kissing less forcefully, that can itself be a much more intense experience.

Many people don't do this unless prompted; like, it wasn't taught in smooch ed or something. If you can figure this out, you will be awesome.
posted by zippy at 1:33 PM on September 29, 2012 [2 favorites]

Just an errant thought: also be aware of how long you're doing this whole kissing thing.

Not everyone wants to make out for five minutes or more every time.

A nuanced, restrained yet passionate one to three second kiss will always make a better impression than 30-90 seconds of haphazard, spitty, forceful tongue penetration, no matter how impassioned or well intentioned the kisser.
posted by Temeraria at 1:55 PM on September 29, 2012 [2 favorites]

2. Start slow. Gently explore lips with lips first, don't rush it. Sometimes just keeping lips gently together and kissing and sort of feeling someone else's lips will be REALLY nice. Think about how delicate elephants are with the tips of their trunks as they twitch and examine. That's about what your lips should be doing.

The funny thing is that back in the day when I was kissing lots of people I think I was a pretty awful kisser. Pretty much I went from zero to sixty tongue instantly, and I feel bad for those poor women now.

Now that I'm mostly kissing one person and have given it a lot more thought, kissing has become all about the lips, with much less tongues-down-the-throat, kind of like the step 2 I quoted above. I'm not saying that this defines good kissing -- the real point is that good kissing involves adapting to the person you are with, and finding the things that make them shudder (with pleasure, not horror!) and that are also good for you. If they are a good kisser, they will be doing the same thing, and looking for the things you like, and both of you will win.
posted by Forktine at 2:45 PM on September 29, 2012 [2 favorites]

I think it's a great idea to talk about it with whoever you're kissing. "What's your favorite thing about kissing? I really like the way you do that thing with your tongue, what do you like about my kissing? Is there anything you'd like me to try? I'd really like it if you tried ..."

If you want your partner to be more aggressive with you, take a step back. Keep kissing them, be responsive, but let go of being in charge. Some people will take the lead then. Others might just echo your step back, if they are naturally passive. You can always say "kiss me" or "kiss me the way you want to be kissed" and see what happens.

Generally I'm just happy to be kissing. But my least favorite way of being kissed is the type that *starts* with an open mouth and lots of tongue and forcefulness and doesn't leave me much room to respond. Most of the dudes that I kiss are strong than me, and if they don't make an effort to back off and be gentle I won't get to take charge of the kissing from time to time, which I do want to do.

I love a kiss that starts off really light and gentle with a touch of closed lips - then back off for some eye contact, then back to the kiss, taking time to just explore the lips before getting the tongue involved. And taking breaks from tongue once it does get involved.

And taking breaks from kissing on the mouth to kiss other areas. Neck, earlobes, collarbones, fingers.

Whatever the hands and the rest of the body are doing during a kiss can definitely enhance the experience. Hands in hair, on the back, holding hands ... the longer you can stay away from the breasts and the butt, the more exciting it is when you get to them.

And moving from gentle kissing to biting. (Some people hate biting, but some of us love a good firm bite on the lower lip).

And talking. A little muttering about whatever you are feeling or whatever is turning you on about the other person can be great.
posted by bunderful at 2:51 PM on September 29, 2012 [7 favorites]

*stronger than me
posted by bunderful at 2:53 PM on September 29, 2012

How to kiss the seemingly passive (seemingly because that passivity often restrains a very intense passion):

Lips need to be brushed, to be coaxed, to be teased. Lips are so sensitive that they can feel the brush of a single hair across them. They are easily desensitized or overwhelmed.

The woman's mouth is gently closed, her jaw loose, waiting. The man must not force his way in. He brushes across them gently, pulls away, brushes again, perhaps with a little of the inside of his lower lip touching her now so that she can feel the tiny moistness, be intrigued by it, but not enough to be jarring or repulsive.

The kiss must create a sort of trance for the lovers to fall into together, and she must not be jarred out of that dream they are making. He might move forward a little, open his mouth a bit more, pull away. His lips close gently on her lower lip, no teeth, tugs just a little, slowly, gently pulls and coaxes and nudges her lips apart. He pulls away again, touches her cheek, her jaw, runs a thumb over her mouth.

He changes things just a little so that she's not desensitized by too much sensation directed to one area too soon, or too repeatedly- to do the same thing over and over without variation in the same place will cause numbness. So he kisses the palm of her hand, he squeezes her hand in his own, he nuzzles his cheek against hers. He occasionally changes rythm, direction, force, pace, but not frenetically. He restrains himself while letting it be very, very obvious that he is restraining himself.

Their bodies still have not touched. Anticipation and longing make kisses powerful. He returns to kissing her lips; she's more receptive now, lips parted perhaps, and his tongue can slip inside her mouth- not all the way- just a little. The tip of his tongue just barely brushes the tender inside part of her lip, perhaps just bumping her tongue, perhaps he now has one hand around her waist. He continues to come close and pull away with his tongue, with his lips, but not robotically- it's like a dance they're engaged in together, because now she's leaning towards him too, her lips and tongue are chasing his, catching and releasing eachother's lip and tongue and they chase each other and hide from each other, catch eachother, almost fight, perhaps nip gently, pull away, it's a game, they're close together,coming closer and closer together, he stops first.

Kisses the cheek gently and unteasingly, firmly. He holds her hand with both of his. The kiss is done.

I suspect that's how the girls that you describe are wanting to get kissed. IANYK
posted by windykites at 3:56 PM on September 29, 2012 [12 favorites]

I don't know if I'm a good kisser or not. I do get compliments from women I've dated, but I tend to dismiss those since to a certain degree people who care about you will rarely critique sexual elements since they don't want to hurt your feelings. Most people who think they're good kissers are just full of themselves, so I encourage you to disregard the highly specific and subjective advice on this thread. Personally, I have found that generally when I let the other person set the pace - and then mirror their general kissing style and follow the general approach they are using - I get rewarding results in terms of repeat kisses. Everybody is different, and I don't think there's any one "perfect kiss" - regardless of what Disney says.
posted by wolfdreams01 at 5:30 PM on September 29, 2012 [1 favorite]

Most people who think they're good kissers are just full of themselves, so I encourage you to disregard the highly specific and subjective advice on this thread.

Yup. (The same holds true for guys who talk about how much they looooove eating pussy. Always disappointing). Sometimes gentle kisses are what the situation calls for. Sometimes you're making out with someone and taking their pants off and you're eating each others' faces - no gentle kissing. Just roll with the punches, and take your cues from your kissing companion. Don't over think this shit with florid romance novel stuff - it's kissing. It's primal. Pay attention to your partner, and tap into your lizard brain, and put your mouth on her mouth, etc.

But still, if I may throw my hat into the ring:

I am a small-boned, small-mouthed lady, and if a dude can't manage to not color outside the lines (i.e., why is he kissing my chin?), it weirds me out to no end. A certain ex-boyfriend: I am talking about you!

What you do with your hands is important, but no blatant ass squeezing, mkay? Touch my butt, but don't try to check my prostate. I don't have one, anyway.

An ex told me that I have a "toothy" kiss. This was supposedly a good thing, but it was weird to hear. But I like biting a lot, so with the right person, lots of teeth can be a good thing. A lot of tongue, IMO, is never a good thing.

If you want a woman who sits in the driver's seat, so to speak, that's fine. I get frustrated by passive guys, so I can imagine that sexually passive women can be frustrating, too. Different strokes for different folks.

Re: Neck Kissing - Pretty much the greatest thing ever. Be careful not to dwell too long on one spot, though. Hickies are awkward when you're an adult with a job.

I like kissing, but I like fucking more, so there's that.
posted by ablazingsaddle at 5:43 PM on September 29, 2012 [3 favorites]