What's a little friendly sexual competition amongst amigos?

September 5, 2012 4:44 PM

How do I manage this potentially awkward social situation and win the girl?

Last year while abroad a started hanging out with a new group of really fun people. One of my new friends I will refer to as THE GERMAN. He's a friendly, fun guy, but one of those friends you make while traveling. We're not particularly close or anything.

One evening he hooks up with a cute ARGENTINA and the same night I hook up with a different one. Both were casual hookups. Good for all four of us!

So a few weeks later, cute ARGENTINA sends me a message about going out that night through Facebook or something. Shes a cool girl, nice lady, so I said, "OK, I'm going to a party, don't yet know exactly where, but I'll text you when I get there." On my arrival the GERMAN is there and successfully putting the moves (the dude's a dog) on an attractive American. So, I decide not to send the address of the party to the ARGENTINA thinking I'd look out for my boy. I apologized to ARGENTINA for flaking the next day and all was cool.

The ARGENTINA invites me for a drink the next week and I flake on her again due to another event going a lot later than expected.

Next weekend is my last weekend in town and I want to see all my friends and invite the GERMAN and the ARGENTINA. I was a little concerned about it being awkward as I wanted to see them both and my intentions towards her were not exactly innocent. When she arrives he's chatting up a hot Isreali, they look at each other exchange an uncomfortable hello and she comes over to hang out with me. All seems to be working out. He's making a new friend while she and I are slowly separating from the group and flirting a bit. soon I get a tap on my back, it's the GERMAN come to wish me goodbye, "I gotta go home, it's been nice knowing ya." he says. Suddenly she tells me, "I'm not good at goodbyes", kisses me on the cheek and runs to the cab where the GERMAN is waving her over behind my back. I'm left a little confused, amazed, and amused. Apparently I may have misunderstood her intentions or he has some serious Jedi mind tricks over women. I wasn't really offended or upset. It's kind of funny.

ARGENTINA and I stay in touch over Facebook and one day discuss a cool looking restaurant we both wanted to try. "Maybe one day when I return we can go together" we decide. So nine month's later I'm returning and I invite her to my arrival party at a bar. She says yes and I ask her about going to the restaurant sometime, she says yes and suggests we go before we meet with my friends.

The GERMAN is still with the same group of friends and will be aware of the party next Saturday. I have a legitimate date with the ARGENTINA, they casually hooked up a couple of times. I'd like to see my GERMAN friend, BUT HEY ladies and gentlemen, I have a date with a cute girl. A man has got to have PRIORITIES. Both of them together will be awkward for her, probably me, and honestly I don't think he will care. I don't want to blow this for me though.

I could blow him off and he will either find out (probably won't care) or show up because one of our mutual friends will tell him to come. I could tell him about my date before Saturday, which will still be awkward for me. Ask him not to come? ARGENTINA's cool girl, I'd like to get to know her better. They were just a fling. How would you guys work this situation out?

posted by Che boludo! to human relations (14 answers total)

This sounds like a situation where you can be pretty direct with ARGENTINA about hoping you can steal her away from ZEE GERMAN on your date with her that should definitely be happening as a one on one thing before your arrival party.

So find whatever flirty, charming words you feel comfortable with to tell her that.
posted by skrozidile at 4:52 PM on September 5, 2012

You say he won't care? So give ZEE GERMAN a heads-up, if only so he doesn't say something stupid / unknowingly compete with you.

And for her, I'm not entirely clear if it's both of you that consider it a date or if she feels you're friends that are trying out a restaurant together. In either case, but especially in the second one, I second skrozidile. Be direct about it being a date - or really, since it's just the two of you at dinner anyways, during dinner you can ask her out for another time, make your intentions clear at that time - then the two of you go to the party all clear about this sort of being a date.
posted by Lemurrhea at 5:16 PM on September 5, 2012 [2 favorites]

Are you sure it is a date? This all reads to me like ARGENTINA thinks you are a FRIEND. Her wanting to hang out with you on your return sounds like more of the same and not a date. She likes to hook up with the GERMAN and it doesn't sound like that has anything to do with your friendship with her, except maybe she wants to hang out where you are because she knows he will be there.

Even if you are a cool WHATEVER, maybe she doesn't want to legit date within a group of people who treat women like an international bingo game? Therefore she is your friend and gets good conversation with you and off the hook sex with the GERMAN without having to endure his doubtless magnetic personality.
posted by cakebatter at 5:18 PM on September 5, 2012 [9 favorites]

just do a one on one date. ergo no german
posted by zia at 5:21 PM on September 5, 2012

What you're not picking up on here is that ARGENTINA is just a friend, not a date. She likes the GERMAN, not you. She beat a hasty retreat last time because you were expecting date-ness from her, not friend-ness.

Your wording and capitalization ("GERMAN", "ARGENTINA") would make me feel nervous if I were the girl. I get the feeling like you are treating her more like a piece in a game of Risk than an actual human being.
posted by dunkadunc at 5:25 PM on September 5, 2012 [6 favorites]

is this an actual date?

ARGENTINA is a grown person and will wind up with whomever she feels like, no matter how sweetly you ask the GERMAN LOVE JEDI to back up off your game. if ARGENTINA ditches or otherwise ignores you in favor of the GERMAN LOVE JEDI, go pursue some other nifty babe. it sounds like you only really want a friendly bonedown, so it shouldn't bum you out too hard.
posted by quiteliterally at 5:25 PM on September 5, 2012 [3 favorites]

Yeah, I should add that in real adult relationships, you don't ask your buddy to lay off his mojo so you can have a chance with the lay-dies.

If she likes him, she likes him. If she likes you, she'll blow off his obnoxious advances and go for you. Or she'll do neither, and both of you should respect that.
posted by dunkadunc at 5:30 PM on September 5, 2012 [7 favorites]

I have a legitimate date with the ARGENTINA,

Doesn't sound that way, actually.

Why is telling her that this guy might be at the party, and getting her response, not an option?
posted by sm1tten at 5:51 PM on September 5, 2012

Interesting responses. Could be she doesn't think its a date. It had crossed my mind. Those faceless electronic communication make it more difficult to read a situation. I did make the effort to ask though. Any thing beyond being friendship is less likely to happen without any effort. I got a girlfriend once through the friendly dinners. Then there's that whole cultural difference thing to account for too.

I capitalized the country names thinking it would be easier to follow the post. I don't think its a game of Risk or Bingo. I asked the pretty lady out because I think she's cool. Regarding Bonetown? Not such a bad thing. It's been known to happen once or twice before when two people go out. There are those that might say it goes there when you let nature take it's course.

Bottom line, it's a potentially weird situation, but I'd like to make the best of it. Could be that it's not as complicated as I've made it out to be too.
posted by Che boludo! at 6:21 PM on September 5, 2012

It doesn't sound like a date, and a woman - not "girl" - is a person with free will, not a prize to be won.

She's into the German, whether it's for casual sexytimes or more. If she liked you that way, something would have happened by now.
posted by ablazingsaddle at 6:31 PM on September 5, 2012 [1 favorite]

Play it cool, forget about whether it's a date or not.
posted by rhizome at 7:03 PM on September 5, 2012 [1 favorite]

It sounds like a hookup to me, which is not a date or a meal with a friend, so that's another possibility that you should be ready for--that she will want to sleep with you but have no interest in an exclusive relationship, and may sleep with other people who you know. Go to the restaurant with her before the party (as she suggested) and play it by ear from there, don't do a dramatic dance trying to keep her and ZEE GERMAN apart unless things significantly change.
posted by anaelith at 3:31 AM on September 6, 2012

It doesn't necessarily sound like a date to me, and it's also not clear that she's still into the German guy. I think you're overcomplicating the awkwardness factor here. If you want to hang out with the Argentinian and get to know her better, do it. If you have an actual reason to think everyone showing up at the party will be awkward for either of them, talk with them about it in advance and don't make a big fucking deal out of it.
posted by J. Wilson at 6:27 AM on September 6, 2012 [2 favorites]

So, I decide not to send the address of the party to the ARGENTINA thinking I'd look out for my boy.

That wasn't very nice to COUNTRY OF ORIGIN. Why didn't you want her there? Because it would upset her, even though it was a casual thing? Or because it was OK for your Teutonic friend to flirt with everyone until he flirts again with the person you are interested in.

I've been in big friendship groups where people hook up or date then split up then do the same with other people. Unless it's a bad breakup or that someone involved has problems that hooking up can't solve, it's not drama-filled at all. This just happens.
posted by mippy at 8:10 AM on September 6, 2012 [1 favorite]