Anxious and depressed
August 27, 2012 4:21 PM Subscribe
I find day to day life really stressful, and I'm not sure what I can do about it.
I'm a 26 year old female, engaged to an amazing man, with good relationships with my family. I used to be a very laid-back person, and I didn't really have a problem with stress until I went back to school last year. I now have a job in the health care profession. My stress levels are less than when I was in school, but I am still worrying and unhappy a lot.
I am a massive worrier, a procrastinator, and a perfectionist. I was in a very intense/competitive academic program in the health care field. During school I would wait until the night before the test to study, so I'd study from 4pm-11pm and then get up and study 4am-7am on test days. I tried over and over again to study after school but I would just get distracted. I ended up making great grades but they could have been perfect if I had just studied every day after school. This has been my pattern my whole life, I have a bachelors degree and I would wait until 8pm the night before to start massive research papers, but for some reason it didn't stress me out during my undergrad.
It carries over to other parts of my life. Sometimes I don't open my mail because I am worried about what I'll find inside, and then I put it off for weeks until I either pony up and go through it or have a melt down. I am constantly trying to find the perfect routine of when to go to the gym, what to eat, when to cook meals for the week, how to maximize time spent with my fiance, etc. Planning really soothes me but I don't follow through with my plans. It sounds like I am super type-a but in reality I can spend HOURS in front of the computer, and I do several days a week to the detriment of other aspects of my life.
My job is so stressful. I'm brand new in an already stressful profession, and I feel like I'm juggling 20 balls in the air all the time, and I have never before been in a profession where literal life-or-death situations arise and it's my assessments that determine whether or not to call the doctor, give a med, etc. However, I really like many aspects of my job and the facility I work in is fantastic. Everyone at work says that I am always so calm, even when the shit hits the fan but in my head I am screaming.
I feel like once I get settled in to my job, which can take up to a year, the stress will decrease. But what worries me is that I don't feel happy like I used to. I just feel nothing a lot of the time. The other day I was making dinner with my fiance after a particularly stressful day, and something so stupid triggered me to start crying/hyperventillating. My fiance tried to talk me through it but for some reason in my head all I could think about is how I know he is going to die soon (?? he's completely healthy) and the rest of my family will eventually die. It was completely irrational but in the moment it was all I could think about, even though it was unrelated, and I just could not let it go until I fell asleep. I think it might have been a panic attack. It was so scary the way my thought process was out of my control.
I also have had no sex drive since starting school. I think I need to see my doctor about depression/anxiety but I am worried about taking an anti-anxiety med and dulling my thought process. And it almost seems like I have ADHD but I have no clue. I am scared to call my doctors office because I had an appointment in July that I missed because I was scheduled to work that day and was unable top take off, so I didn't show up. I know I need to just do it but I can hardly think about it. Does this sound like anxiety? What meds have worked for those of you with anxiety/depression?
FWIW I go to the gym every day and run 4+ miles. If I didn't I would have driven myself crazy long before this.