Meeting the sexual needs of a disabled man
August 17, 2012 11:39 PM Subscribe
How to meet the sexual needs a disabled person?
posted by loveandlife to Society & Culture (12 answers total) 6 users marked this as a favorite
Hi everyone. I’m writing on behalf of my friend. He unfortunately has a nervous system condition that’s left him almost completely paralysed from the neck down. This condition comes with a number of complications – e.g. inability to independently perform activities of daily living and chronic problems. One problem that most people might not think about, though, is the inability to meet one’s sexual needs.
My friend is a healthly mid-thirties worker otherwise. He’s friendly, witty and charismatic. He’s gay (as am I). To provide additional background, my friend has been trying to find someone to help him out in this area for quite some time (the sexual bits are not affected by his condition at all). I actually really sympathised with him and thought, why not help him out, so for a while did (i.e. basically just helped him masturbate). Due to various events in my life, however, I’m not able to help him out anymore (hence, the Metafilter)
In terms of things he's tried, he’s tried asking his close friends for help (at least those that would not be weirded out by the request) with no luck. He’s then tried this gay-themed forum where we live (Melbourne Australia) called Samesame. He’s posted on there and had a few back and forths trying to find someone (that’s how I met him). He’s gotten a few bites, unfortunately but no one’s followed through.
He has considered hiring a sex worker, but it’s easier said than done. Neither he nor I know any gay sex workers to call, and it'd have to be someone fairly understanding, flexible and willing to make a home visit. He’s obviously in a vulnerable position and so we would really want to find someone completely trustworthy (and ideally someone recommended). Cost is also a big consideration. I have no experience with sex workers personally, and have no idea how it would actually work.
I thought a good idea would be to have a carer who could also take care of his sexual needs. He currently has a few paid people who come over to help him out with things like grooming and personal care. I thought maybe he could have like a carer with benefits. He’s posted an ad on Samesame to that effect, again with no takers (if you know any way to find someone who would do that job, please let me know).
The other option (which I don’t think is really a good one) is to give up. But being completely celibate is really hard for anyone, and especially for my friend. It’s like he’s stuck with a body that doesn’t really work for him, and has a lot of physical and psychological pain associated with it; sex is like the only time he doesn’t feel like crap.
So we don’t know what to do. My friend really is an awesome guy. Anyone who’s met him would want to do everything they could to help him too. It would be nice find someone who wouldn’t mind helping out, but any other options or ideas are worth considering.
If you’ve any ideas or leads about any of this please, post here or message me (email@example.com) or the friend (firstname.lastname@example.org). Thanks so much for your time.