How to help a disabled friend lose his V-Card?

January 28, 2008 4:44 PM

My brother has a longtime friend who has a degenerative neurological condition that will ultimately be fatal. This friend is approaching 30 and still a virgin, and he wants to hire someone to help him experience that part of life. He has asked my brother for help (which he will need in order to make this happen) - what should he/can he do without running afoul of the law?

Specifically, my brother is concerned about his friend's well being - that this not be a negative or demeaning experience for him. Secondly, he is concerned about protecting himself (i.e. not breaking the law if possible). He wants to help him, as long as these two issues can be skillfully handled.

Logistical note: the person in question lives with his parents and would need someone to help him - mainly driving to another location.

So, what are some options and logistical advice for making them a reality?

posted by man on the run to Human Relations (32 answers total)

You're probably going to get more info/resources if you tell us which country or state this friend lives in.
posted by fluffy battle kitten at 4:48 PM on January 28, 2008

Response by poster: Not comfortable saying which state, but he is in the United States. - Thanks.
posted by man on the run at 4:50 PM on January 28, 2008

If potentially long distance travel is not an obstacle, prostitution is legal in the state of Nevada.
posted by Rock Steady at 4:56 PM on January 28, 2008

you have mefi mail
posted by meeshell at 4:57 PM on January 28, 2008

I think you could find someone to do the deed, legal or illegal. But, I would find someone HAWT!!!1!! to do the deed, because you want something to talk about later on. Depending on where you are, I suppose you should check your local paper or online for escort and/or massage services and maybe say you want to meet one at a bar or place away from where you would usually hang out and then describe the situation, that the condition is not contagious, and that you are looking for someone to help your friend out and does the escort know anyone. Odds are in your favor.
posted by parmanparman at 4:57 PM on January 28, 2008

I would find someone HAWT!!!1!! to do the deed, because you want something to talk about later on.
Huh?
posted by LobsterMitten at 5:02 PM on January 28, 2008 [2 favorites]

Prostitution is legal in Nevada. It's regulated so that it's as safe as it reasonably can be. I think it would probably be a good idea to phone some particular "house" ahead of time and see what they think about helping out a handicapped guy that way, rather than just showing up. But I bet they won't mind.
posted by Steven C. Den Beste at 5:03 PM on January 28, 2008

dont have much experience, but i feel confident saying that i bet the less money he spends, the more likely he will be to have a negative experience. all other things being equal, of course.

and (following rock steadys lead), vegas.

walking the strip, you have to wade through the people handing out mini-flyers for girls. these flyers iltter the streets. theres gotta be good odds there.

money money money
$$$$$$$
posted by gcat at 5:03 PM on January 28, 2008

Of course, such things can be lined up and prearranged in Nevada , but flying may be necessary.

If it's legal and paid for, you can interview the staff to make sure they can handle whatever limitations he may have in a professional and somewhat caring way, rather than a pity-type thing which could end badly.
posted by Gucky at 5:06 PM on January 28, 2008

HBO Undercover did two specials featuring the Moonlite Bunny Ranch in Nevada, and from watching them I can tell you that the women that work there are used to dealing with all kinds of people (men and women), situations, limitations and interests. Have your brother give them a call, they should be able to help his friend out, I can't imagine it'll be the first time they'll deal with that particular request.
posted by lia at 5:09 PM on January 28, 2008

certainly you might find a prostitute, but you might just want to place a frank ad on craigslist and whatever other online sites will allow something that straightforward. i bet you'll get more than a few responses. just be sure to meet the girl before arranging the deed.
posted by thinkingwoman at 5:10 PM on January 28, 2008 [1 favorite]

If Nevada is out of the question, are there any upscale strip clubs near you? I'm talking the nicer ones where businessmen entertain clients (you can often find them around the airport in larger cities). Inside there are probably fliers and free newspapers with classifed ads where you'll find escort services and the like. The higher-priced services are usually discreet and probably used to "special circumstance" situations. Your brother could help make the arrangements for his friend, drop him off at a nice hotel room, and return after his session is done.
posted by Oriole Adams at 5:11 PM on January 28, 2008

yeah, thats true, what thinking woman said.

surely a real-deal, no b/s situation will elicit some response? maybe even a good or great one?
posted by gcat at 5:14 PM on January 28, 2008

Isn't it legal in Canada? If he's closer to the border than to Nevada, what the hey, eh?
posted by desjardins at 5:15 PM on January 28, 2008

There are sex workers who specialize in working with disabled people. You can hear an interview about it here. And this is the website of one of the people interviewed. Perhaps you could write to them and see if they have American contacts?
posted by The corpse in the library at 5:17 PM on January 28, 2008 [2 favorites]

To clarify, prostitution is legal in the state of Nevada, but not in the city of Las Vegas. So, outside of the city, you're good.
posted by FlyByDay at 5:25 PM on January 28, 2008

you might just want to place a frank ad on craigslist and whatever other online sites will allow something that straightforward.

Just make sure you don't offer to pay, or your replies will most likely come from the cops.

I just glanced up at the title and saw "V-Card," and thought of the electronic address book format by the same name. My momentary confusion over the term was just to ironic not to mention.
posted by fogster at 5:30 PM on January 28, 2008

You kind of wonder if there's some kind of sex positive culture for this that would really welcome the guy, instead of just taking his money. Craigslist ad would help you out, I think.
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 5:33 PM on January 28, 2008 [1 favorite]

ok tried again check your mail....
posted by meeshell at 5:38 PM on January 28, 2008

Nevada, like everyone has suggested, fits your friend's need for legality. I think that a buddy-movie style roadtrip across the great American West to get your neurodegenerating buddy laid is exactly the kind of epic lulz he needs. If his parents aren't cool with the notion—which I gather they aren't, since you mention that they're a logistical problem—then you have the cover of Vegas and gambling and shows or whatever, on top of general Boys' Own Vacation.
posted by mumkin at 5:43 PM on January 28, 2008 [1 favorite]

desjardins writes "Isn't it legal in Canada? If he's closer to the border than to Nevada, what the hey, eh?"

Prostitution is legal, solicitation isn't which puts the friend in a potentially awkward position. If you go this route tread lightly.
posted by Mitheral at 6:05 PM on January 28, 2008

Your friend should consider calling the Lex and Terry show. They're based out of DFW I think, but w/e. They've often got Bunny Love, who's a..er...girl from the Moonlight Bunny Ranch on their show. I bet a call to them would either A) field ladies close to his hometown willing to do the deed or B) get an inside number or w/e to call for a hookup from Bunny of one of her...uhm...cohort.
posted by TomMelee at 6:22 PM on January 28, 2008

For the record, prostitution is legal in some counties in Nevada. It is not legal in Reno, but Mustang Ranch (a short drive east of Reno on 80) is in Storey county, where it is legal. Also for the record, I am speaking as a native Nevadan, not as a frequenter of brothels (not that there's anything wrong with that).
posted by bricoleur at 6:54 PM on January 28, 2008

Australia is the place to be.
posted by dmd at 8:15 PM on January 28, 2008

there are sex surrogates who have sex with people for therapeutic purposes. i believe you can contact them through a regular therapist. here is the account of one disabled person and his experiences with a sex surrogate.
posted by be11e at 10:10 PM on January 28, 2008

You may want to speak to the UK charity Outsiders, which deals with this exact issue, and ask them if there are any similar charities in the US.
posted by skylar at 2:20 AM on January 29, 2008

I'm totally unclear from your post whether your friend is currently disabled in some way at this point or if he will be in the future. If he's working with a disability now and you all want to make sure that the person he is with is tolerant, careful, experienced and respectful, then a sex surrogate is the way to go. Mark O'Brien, a severely disabled writer wrote a very touching article about his experiences seeing a sex surrogate that I think is required reading for anyone thinking about going down this path.
posted by jessamyn at 6:08 AM on January 29, 2008 [1 favorite]

2nd the recommendation for a sex therapist or surrogate. Call a good therapist and ask for a recommendation. More likely to be safe and able to cope w/ disability. Or able to help him find a good, safe professional for return visits.
posted by theora55 at 6:45 AM on January 29, 2008

I can't imagine that, wherever you are, there does not exist a nice woman of appropriate age who would enjoy being nice to a nice guy, who happens to have physical problems, and the desire to cure his virginity. I mean, a virgin in serious need scores about +5 automatically, in attractiveness points. Doesn't take much more than hygiene and a pleasant smile to tip the scale well in favor.
posted by Goofyy at 7:42 AM on January 29, 2008

Chiming in to recommend an interesting film that addressed this same topic. The Theory of Flight with Helena Bonham Carter as the person with the disability and Kenneth Branagh as a friend who attempts to help her.
posted by terrapin at 8:11 AM on January 29, 2008 [1 favorite]

There was an interesting BBC documentary last year about Nick Wallis, a young man in the same situation. His story may add a bit of context for you, from the emotional rather than legal perspective. Eg:

Looking back, I am pleased I had the tenacity and commitment to see it through. The experience, while not emotionally fulfilling, gave me confidence and a sense that I was not missing out. I did not have unrealistically high expectations and perhaps in this respect I was luckier than some of my friends who found their first experience disappointing. I regret that I couldn't be like everyone else and share a first sexual relationship with someone I knew and loved, and part of me feels that having to resort to paying a woman for sex reflects something lacking in society, not least because I know that some people disapproved of my actions.
posted by wilko at 9:56 AM on January 29, 2008

Response by poster: Thanks everyone for your informative responses (and emails). There are too many good ideas and links here to select a "best answer. Needless to say there are some great options that we never would have thought of on our own. The article by Mark O'Brien shared by at least two of you really puts this "problem" in a much more meaningful perspective than just the need to "get laid." It's really about the important validation that comes with sexual contact, allowing a person with a physical disability to be a full participant in adult life and in control of their own life, despite a disability.
posted by man on the run at 11:17 AM on January 29, 2008