I think my desire to not date is hurting my career

July 11, 2012 4:45 PM

Broke up with my boyfriend a month or so ago and still reeling from that. Now it seems every guy in the tech community wants to date me and I don't want to date anyone. How can I avoid this problem?

I've been kind of a wallflower my entire life and this kind of comes out of nowhere, especially since I am in a bad place emotionally. Another complication is he was cheating and there was an STD scare. I had chlymydia, took antibiotics and my OBGYN says I need to come in October for a re-test. This makes me really just not want to have sex until then. I was in therapy after the breakup, but I found it made me feel so much worse, so I quit going and I'm looking for a new therapist because I'm hoping it was just that psych and I can find someone to help me. I went on a date and I really wasn't into it and it also made me feel worse. I just don't want to date anyone, I want to hang out with friends and work on myself.

But I work in a male-dominated profession and I'm surrounded by single young men pretty much constantly. I have been asked out five times since the breakup and each time I have told the guys I just went through a breakup and I'm not interested in dating, they react quite badly. This is awkward and I almost get the feeling it's bad for my career since they now avoid me at tech conferences/hack nights. Yeah, I guess if they are that way I probably shouldn't have wanted to work with them anyhow, but it stresses me out. Even if I weren't a depressed emotional wreck, I feel like it's totally inappropriate to ask out people you barely know...and especially in a professional setting. However, I can't change the culture and I either need to find a better more graceful way to reject men or to project unavailability.

posted by anonymous to Human Relations (23 answers total)

"Thank you, but I'm not interested". Anything else is on them.
posted by brainmouse at 4:47 PM on July 11, 2012 [3 favorites]

Buy a ring. Wear it on your left ring finger. Presto.
posted by Fister Roboto at 4:48 PM on July 11, 2012 [3 favorites]

If it doesn't bother you to tell people "my cheating ex gave me chlamydia and I won't have the all clear until x time", I have found it extremely effective to occassionally mention that I am curently celibate for medical reasons. I make a point of sometimes bringing that up without harping on it. When men start getting too friendly again, I start looking for socially acceptable opportunities to mention it.
posted by Michele in California at 4:51 PM on July 11, 2012

If a guy reacts badly to your polite refusal of a date, you have my permission to treat him like the insensitive asshole that he is.

Don't worry too much about the effect of this on your career; you said it yourself: these aren't the kind of people you want to work with anyway.

Hang in there.
posted by Specklet at 4:53 PM on July 11, 2012 [5 favorites]

"I don't date people I work with" would be an acceptable answer, too.

You think NOT dating is hurting your career, but dating someone you work with is likely to be at lot worse for it.
posted by caryatid at 4:57 PM on July 11, 2012 [23 favorites]

This has little to do with your breakup! You might not want to date these guys anyway, even if you felt like dating. The real problem is feeling like they're icing you out.

I wouldn't worry too much about learning how to reject them more nicely. You've already given them a great reason, and they're still acting like jerks.

It may seem hard right now, but what you have to do is rise above it and act like it never happened. Don't let them ignore you -- be assertive and join conversations, lunches, activities, with them, whatever it is you tech people do.
posted by yarly at 4:58 PM on July 11, 2012

You can just have a standard policy of not dating anyone in your field. It's not that unusual, it helps prevent awkward work situations with exes. You're just keeping things professional.

Years ago when I was coming out of a bad painful breakup, I knew I needed some alone time before getting back into dating. I developed a breezy "my last relationship ended really badly, so for my next relationship, I think I'm getting a dog." It made it clearly not a personal rejection.
posted by ambrosia at 5:00 PM on July 11, 2012

my cheating ex gave me chlamydia

I would not go there at all.

Just be firm. No opening, no niceness. Not interested. If these guys have the mindset of the guys I know, any niceness, any pause, anything that could be interpreted as "welllll....." is an opportunity. Not because they are heartless jerks, but because hormones are driving them and they are attracted to you, or one or the other.

Shut them down, next topic. Just reject the idea to the point where it is clear you're not even entertaining the thought. Act like "Want to go out with me on a date" is them saying "Want to get on a single engine plane to Iran and spend 3 weeks in a factory?"

No, I don't. "thanks." Next topic. About that code....I missed tech week and I wish I'd gotten to see x... I am wondering about those Ivy Bridge processors and the improvements in speed.

Just have a topic you can transition to. Once you get the hang of doing this, you'll see that it works even though it's a perilous few seconds each time you turn the topic of conversation.
posted by cashman at 5:01 PM on July 11, 2012

Hi fellow woman in tech! This happened to me after a hard breakup, too. Hang in there. The number of people lining up to be your rebound will tail off significantly after a month or so. The awkwardness with the ones who asked you out will fade over time as well.

I think your wording is fine. You could be more brief ("I am not interested in dating anyone right now"). Sometimes that helps limit the amount of bargaining and arguing that ensues. If they're reacting extremely poorly, I would suggest talking over the phrasing of your rejections with your friends, in case there's something you can pinpoint in your phrasing as being particularly apt to rile the weirdos. I doubt there is, though. You're being as graceful as one can be when put into such an awkward situation. Their bad behavior reflects on them, not you.
posted by rhythm and booze at 5:16 PM on July 11, 2012 [5 favorites]

I don't date people I work with.

That's it. Some of them will continue to be jerks, but don't take it on board - they're just behaving like children because of their egos.

If it helps at all, a lot of this has absolutely nothing to do with you at all.
posted by heyjude at 5:18 PM on July 11, 2012 [1 favorite]

I'm really sorry for what you're going through, I experienced something similar after ending things with my ex. Dealing with hordes of sexually entitled assholes while healing from a breakup is tough.

My coping strategy in the workplace: I started to pretend I was still in a relationship. If things veered flirty with anyone at work, I would casually reference my imaginary boyfriend. "Oh you think this about xyz? My boyfriend thinks blah blah." That shuts things down quickly with no hard feelings.

I'm not proud of this strategy, but it deterred dudes from saying things they couldn't take back, and made my work day easier. For whatever reason, my imaginary boyfriend's boundaries are more respected than my strong single lady vibe.

And if anyone in your personal life pulls that crap, remember: you didn't lose a friend, you just got an opportunity to dump a bad friend.
posted by pluot at 5:22 PM on July 11, 2012 [2 favorites]

A tactic that worked for me at the big company I used to work for: Tone down the warmth. Say "Thanks" not "Why thank you very much! That's so sweet of you! (gush, gush)" Avoid excessive eye contact. Avoid sharing too much personal info.

In some settings, I let it all hang out (so to speak). I have found that if it is generally known that I am unavailable and why, men just won't go there. And they aren't offended. If you don't want to handle it that way, then do the opposite: Divulge essentially no personal info.

Chatting about yourself is easily misinterpretted as an opening when it isn't intended to be. So my policy is to either be so open that their question is already answered before they can ask it or to be closed enough so as to not give men an opening. I think the gray area in between those extremes, where it is not completely clear whether or not you are available, is where all kinds of trouble and awkward missteps occur. I try to avoid that gray area.
posted by Michele in California at 5:33 PM on July 11, 2012

Goodness. Tell your colleagues the internet told then to grow the hell up. You don't have to give them a single word of an excuse. "I'm not interested. And I move from not interested to actively hostile if someone fails to respect my stated choice."
posted by ead at 7:12 PM on July 11, 2012

It would help if you had explained what "react quite badly" meant. I'm not sure there's any deliberate attempt to ice you out - they're probably just ashamed to be around you because they got rejected. (And if my experience with techies are any indicator, they probably hit on you in a particularly clumsy way, putting their hearts on the line.) If you want to be welcomed back into the fold, one good way to do it would probably be to apologize for "accidentally leading them on,", and explain that you like them as friends but "not in that way". It sucks that you need to be the one to apologize simply because their delicate little egos can't handle a few bruises, but that's probably the easiest way to accomplish your stated goal. Besides, once you're their manager you can always remember which ones were the biggest douchebags and make them pay for it.

Also, you have my deepest sympathy for what happened with your boyfriend. Breakups are seldom easy but this one sounds especially traumatic and I hope you find a way to get over this.
posted by wolfdreams01 at 7:54 PM on July 11, 2012

Have you been avoiding the ones you've asked out? Make it cool again by being friendly! How would you act around a cute boy that had rejected you if he didn't try to talk to you again? You'd just assume he was making up some liessss to get ridda ya.
posted by 200burritos at 7:57 PM on July 11, 2012

Oh, goodness, please don't apologise for "accidentally leading them on". I know it's been suggested with the best intentions, but it's absolutely ridiculous that a woman should have to consider apologising for being single and uninterested in dating her colleagues.
posted by Georgina at 8:08 PM on July 11, 2012 [23 favorites]

"Thanks for asking, but, well, no. Can I just say that, even though I have to say no, I'm really really glad that you're not one of those guys who's going to avoid a person after asking something like this. We're cool, right? I'll see you [later|at the UG meeting|tomorrow|tonight at the place|online] -- you're a cool guy and I'll let you know if someone I meet is right for you."

The problem may be that the guys feel self-conscious for whatever reason. If you can somehow reassure them, verbally or otherwise, that they have nothing to be ashamed of and that they are worthy persons -- without giving them hope that you actually secretly fancy them -- it should help alleviate some of their awkwardness.
posted by amtho at 8:37 PM on July 11, 2012 [4 favorites]

I feel like it's totally inappropriate to ask out people you barely know...and especially in a professional setting.

You are absolutely right about this, and I suspect that you're stressing about the guys who asked you out because your emotions are all over the place right now. You've done nothing wrong, and honestly, the only thing I think you might want to try differently is to leave out mention of the break-up. "I don't date people I work with" or "I'm not interested in dating right now" are more than sufficient responses to people who barely know you. (If you're feeling generous, you could open with a "That's nice/kind/flattering of you, but...)

I've been kind of a wallflower my entire life and this kind of comes out of nowhere

Which makes it harder to deal with, since you haven't been practicing a polite rebuff to the point where it feels natural. Sorry that it's hitting you now, when your emotions are fragile. If it wouldn't be the kind of behavior that would feel overly awkward or bad to you, minimizing your "friendly" interactions with colleagues to people who you know aren't trying to hit on you might help. Being cool, polite and task-focused reduces openings that could lead to getting asked out.
posted by EvaDestruction at 8:53 PM on July 11, 2012

There is some horrible magic that ensures that someone one will always attract others the most when you least want to. I have idea why, but I know I have never been hit on as much as when I was in the early stages of my divorce. And it wasn't because I was glowing and looked great or was going anywhere that could be remotely characterised as a pick up place.

I would simply say as others have suggested that you don't date work colleagues. Be firm and be polite, but don't feel you have to say anything else. Sometimes people are a little sore about being turned down and, honestly, I can understand that. But if it goes beyond just a little awkwardness and they take your refusal out on you, then you've dodged a real bullet because they'd be ten times worse if you went on a date and then didn't want to go with a relationship. Trust me on that one: I learned my lesson the hard way.
posted by lesbiassparrow at 8:55 PM on July 11, 2012

I get hit on quite rarely. But two (two!) of the times that I *was* hit on, that stick in my mind, I was *crying in public*. Guys are weird, aren't they?

Anyway, I love antho's wording, above. Shuts down the interest, changes the topic, yet is at the same time pleasant and warm. "I have to say no, although you seem very nice, which is lucky, since you won't be one of those guys who acts awkward after asking someone out. I will definitely keep my eye out for someone who'd be great for you."
posted by fingersandtoes at 9:03 PM on July 11, 2012 [1 favorite]

Really these guys are not doing too badly. They're better than the Nice Guy who becomes friends with you only because he thinks friendship -> dating -> sex. Or the guy who thinks the first rejection just means he needs more romantic comedy behavior (if you receive an anonymous banjo--run). Or the guy who invites you out to a casual group thing that turns out to be just the two of you and some candles...

It's too bad these are coming at an awful time for you, but unless you've been talking about it they don't know how cruddy this particular breakup was. Not suggesting that you talk about it more in public, but just keep in mind that these guys can't read your mind. They're asking you out in good faith based on your public appearance.

How to reject people: As a woman who sometimes asks out men, I think it's best if you keep it short and non-specific except for being clear that it's a permanent no. "Thank you for asking, but I am not interested in going on a date." You can end with some variation of "So, are we cool?" but you can still expect some awkwardness. These guys are asking you out because they find you romantically attractive. It will take a little time and distance for them to get out of the crush headspace and back into the casual colleges headspace. The thing is, even if they hadn't asked you out, it's still crazy awkward if they're sitting around having a crush on you and knowing you're single without asking you out. This way is at least very straightforward, results in a short period of serious awkwardness, but also leads to moving on and getting over it. Give them some time and space and they'll work their way back around to normal.

I suppose it would be better if we were all robots at work who didn't have emotions, but unfortunately we're still humans who are spending a whole lot of time surrounded by people we happen to have a lot in common with, and socializing is a fairly typical human behavior in those conditions.
posted by anaelith at 6:15 AM on July 12, 2012

An alternative you can use if you think you might want to date in your field later (and that also works with people who aren't in your work field at all): "I'm on a dating moratorium." Your sense that hitting on barely-known professional colleagues in a work-related situation is dead-on, though, and a rule against dating people in the field is perfectly reasonable. Amtho's wording is also really great.

Your health history is none of their business and neither is your dating history. You're better off not bringing that drama to the table. Sad but true: guys will often think less of you as a woman for discussing that stuff even if they all talk about it freely.
posted by immlass at 9:05 AM on July 12, 2012 [1 favorite]

If you're not comfortable having to constantly say "Thanks but I'm not interested," wearing a ring isn't a bad idea, actually. If anyone asks, just say you're in a long distance relationship. Pick a vague basic story and always stick to it (It's easier if you have a quick line or two about who he is in case anyone asks). And then, when you decide you're ready to date again... presto! You take off the ring as if post-breakup.

You don't even have to wear a ring, really. You can just say "I'm seeing someone." And if anyone asks, tell them it's a long distance thing.
posted by 2oh1 at 12:51 PM on July 12, 2012