Help me help my girlfriend have her first orgasm
June 21, 2012 1:00 PM Subscribe
My 35 y/o girlfriend has never had an orgasm... [NSFW details]
My girlfriend and I have been dating for a few months now. Our sex life is a lot of fun and she initiates sex at least as much as I do. Unfortunately, she can't come. Not just with me.. she has never had an orgasm at all. Never by herself (and she has never had an interest in masturbation) and never with prior partners. She loves the idea of having her first orgasm and I do my best to make sure she knows I am looking forward to helping her have it without putting any kind of pressure on her.
During sex (especially oral sex), she often seems to be building towards an orgasm, but never actually gets there. She says the feelings get more and more intense (and from my perspective her body reacts like she is approaching an orgasm), but never feel like they are going to peak. She has said that she often feels a disconnect when her clit is stimulated. Essentially her body is reacting but it isn't reaching the pleasure centers in her brain. Spending a lot of time teasing her before going down on her or fingering her makes a huge difference in that respect.
A few times when I was going down on her, she got to the point where she seemed like she was on the edge of orgasm, but pulled away. Well, more accurately she pulled me up so she kiss me and have me inside her. Our current plan is for me to tie her down (something we both enjoy) then tease her and eventually go down on her. When (if) she gets to the point where she would normally pull me up to her, I will keep going until she hopefully has an orgasm.
So, have any of you been confronted by this situation (from either side)? If so, how did you get past it? Any specific tricks (mental or physical) that helped? You can email me at shesnotorgasmicyet@gmail.com
My girlfriend and I have been dating for a few months now. Our sex life is a lot of fun and she initiates sex at least as much as I do. Unfortunately, she can't come. Not just with me.. she has never had an orgasm at all. Never by herself (and she has never had an interest in masturbation) and never with prior partners. She loves the idea of having her first orgasm and I do my best to make sure she knows I am looking forward to helping her have it without putting any kind of pressure on her.
During sex (especially oral sex), she often seems to be building towards an orgasm, but never actually gets there. She says the feelings get more and more intense (and from my perspective her body reacts like she is approaching an orgasm), but never feel like they are going to peak. She has said that she often feels a disconnect when her clit is stimulated. Essentially her body is reacting but it isn't reaching the pleasure centers in her brain. Spending a lot of time teasing her before going down on her or fingering her makes a huge difference in that respect.
A few times when I was going down on her, she got to the point where she seemed like she was on the edge of orgasm, but pulled away. Well, more accurately she pulled me up so she kiss me and have me inside her. Our current plan is for me to tie her down (something we both enjoy) then tease her and eventually go down on her. When (if) she gets to the point where she would normally pull me up to her, I will keep going until she hopefully has an orgasm.
So, have any of you been confronted by this situation (from either side)? If so, how did you get past it? Any specific tricks (mental or physical) that helped? You can email me at shesnotorgasmicyet@gmail.com
vibrators (not battery operated) often work for this. But once she's started having orgasms and figuring out how her muscles work down there, it might be a good idea to vary things so as not to get too habituated to one method.
posted by fingersandtoes at 1:13 PM on June 21, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by fingersandtoes at 1:13 PM on June 21, 2012 [1 favorite]
Vibrator! On her own, in her own good time.
posted by DarlingBri at 1:15 PM on June 21, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by DarlingBri at 1:15 PM on June 21, 2012 [1 favorite]
Hi! I'm your girlfriend. Well, not literally, but I have had difficulties reaching orgasm my whole life. The biggest problem for me, for a long time, was this weird fear of anyone seeing my "oh" face -- I was convinced I was going to scrunch up my face in a weird/unattractive way, and I had only ever climaxed on my own for that reason.
For starters, your girlfriend may not be interested in masturbation, but that's too bad. What I mean is, masturbation is vital. A woman needs to get acquainted with her own body, because everybody gets to their "oh" in a different way. And, as a data point, your girlfriend can't tell you how close she's getting until she knows her own rhythms. If she doesn't want to do it alone, you could try mutual masturbation, or side by side masturbation.
Masturbation is awesome, is what I'm saying, and it shouldn't be taken off the table. In fact, it should be encouraged as an important aspect of self-exploration.
Tying the gf down -- that's a good idea if she's interested. You might also try using a blindfold, which can help lower inhibition.
But I'd also recommend devices. Like a Hitachi Magic Wand, or even just a simple pocket rocket, or a shower hose. In fact, in kink circles a magic wand is often used in "orgasm control" scenarios -- it's a powerful vibe that works wonders.
During sexy time, try not to over-emphasize the importance of the orgasm, though. Remember that sex can be LOTS of fun sans orgasm, and that putting pressure on a person to come may actually work against you. You need to be relaxed to have an orgasm, and if your head is full of, "Will it happen this time? Am I going to come now? What about now?" you're going to be too anxious to ever get off at all. As the partner in this situation, you should be careful not to pressure your girlfriend about her orgasm status.
Finally, if the mutual masturbation, oral sex, bondage, blindfolds and vibes don't work, then it might be time for therapy. This is not a bad thing! It's not a judgment or a failing or a flaw in your girlfriend's anatomy, but it might be a psychological block. Which is a thing that can be worked through with a therapist.
Good luck! And seriously. Go get your girlfriend a magic wand. You can even buy them on Amazon!
posted by KinkySockPuppet at 1:20 PM on June 21, 2012 [3 favorites]
For starters, your girlfriend may not be interested in masturbation, but that's too bad. What I mean is, masturbation is vital. A woman needs to get acquainted with her own body, because everybody gets to their "oh" in a different way. And, as a data point, your girlfriend can't tell you how close she's getting until she knows her own rhythms. If she doesn't want to do it alone, you could try mutual masturbation, or side by side masturbation.
Masturbation is awesome, is what I'm saying, and it shouldn't be taken off the table. In fact, it should be encouraged as an important aspect of self-exploration.
Tying the gf down -- that's a good idea if she's interested. You might also try using a blindfold, which can help lower inhibition.
But I'd also recommend devices. Like a Hitachi Magic Wand, or even just a simple pocket rocket, or a shower hose. In fact, in kink circles a magic wand is often used in "orgasm control" scenarios -- it's a powerful vibe that works wonders.
During sexy time, try not to over-emphasize the importance of the orgasm, though. Remember that sex can be LOTS of fun sans orgasm, and that putting pressure on a person to come may actually work against you. You need to be relaxed to have an orgasm, and if your head is full of, "Will it happen this time? Am I going to come now? What about now?" you're going to be too anxious to ever get off at all. As the partner in this situation, you should be careful not to pressure your girlfriend about her orgasm status.
Finally, if the mutual masturbation, oral sex, bondage, blindfolds and vibes don't work, then it might be time for therapy. This is not a bad thing! It's not a judgment or a failing or a flaw in your girlfriend's anatomy, but it might be a psychological block. Which is a thing that can be worked through with a therapist.
Good luck! And seriously. Go get your girlfriend a magic wand. You can even buy them on Amazon!
posted by KinkySockPuppet at 1:20 PM on June 21, 2012 [3 favorites]
mrs_goldfish was once as your girlfriend is now. She can now come with others, or with her Hitachi Magic Wand. Keep doing what you're doing.
You're also fingering her WHILE you're going down on her, right?
posted by feral_goldfish at 1:21 PM on June 21, 2012 [2 favorites]
You're also fingering her WHILE you're going down on her, right?
posted by feral_goldfish at 1:21 PM on June 21, 2012 [2 favorites]
as a data point, your girlfriend can't tell you how close she's getting until she knows her own rhythms
Actually, we started to figure out when we were getting close from clues like her being unwontedly hungry after sex, or her feet starting to tingle.
posted by feral_goldfish at 1:27 PM on June 21, 2012 [2 favorites]
Actually, we started to figure out when we were getting close from clues like her being unwontedly hungry after sex, or her feet starting to tingle.
posted by feral_goldfish at 1:27 PM on June 21, 2012 [2 favorites]
When I first got a vibrator, it took a while to figure out what I liked. Part of it was that this was just such a new and different feeling that I was convinced that the slightly uncomfortable intensity of it all must be the orgasm itself. That is, until I actually had an orgasm :)
I also have a terrible time just trying to relax and focus -- or not focus, as the case may be. So help her stay calm and loved and let her get her mind where it wants to be.
I would recommend a vibe with a variable speed setting. Some people need to start with one intensity and work up (every time); others can't deal with anything more than a certain level; still others need a jackhammer setting :P The small bullet vibes by a company like Doc Johnson are great because they work pretty well for a while but won't break the bank while you're still trying to figure things out (they're like 20 bucks at the most).
posted by Madamina at 1:44 PM on June 21, 2012
I also have a terrible time just trying to relax and focus -- or not focus, as the case may be. So help her stay calm and loved and let her get her mind where it wants to be.
I would recommend a vibe with a variable speed setting. Some people need to start with one intensity and work up (every time); others can't deal with anything more than a certain level; still others need a jackhammer setting :P The small bullet vibes by a company like Doc Johnson are great because they work pretty well for a while but won't break the bank while you're still trying to figure things out (they're like 20 bucks at the most).
posted by Madamina at 1:44 PM on June 21, 2012
Marijuana (just a little bit) can also be quite effective.
posted by KokuRyu at 1:47 PM on June 21, 2012 [10 favorites]
posted by KokuRyu at 1:47 PM on June 21, 2012 [10 favorites]
Does she fantasize at all? Does she enjoy dirty talk of any specific kind (e.g., words she likes to use/you to use, scenarios or situations she likes described)? One of the nice things about masturbation is you can explore the specific set of ideas and physical sensations that work to get you there, and then call upon them later when you need that last little bit to get you over the edge. Try exploring that side of things and maybe it will help with the body's there, brain isn't problem.
posted by MadamM at 2:13 PM on June 21, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by MadamM at 2:13 PM on June 21, 2012 [1 favorite]
I used to switch to intercourse rather than continuing oral until I came, too; part of it was the pressure that I was taking forever, that the dude was getting bored, that it wasn't going to happen anyway so we might as well switch to something really fun for both of us.
Something that helped for me was having a partner where we never had intercourse (he was a secondary in a poly relationship, that was the agreement). I had my first orgasm-from-oral on his tongue because I had spent so much time blowing him that I felt zero guilt about making him eat me out forever; and it DIDN'T even take forever, once the pressure was off and I felt like I could take as long as I wanted and just enjoy it.
Maybe you guys can have a night where intercourse is off the table, and she blows you, and you say "oh, sweetie, that was the best BJ ever! That was so fucking good I want to lick your pussy for a goddamn hour just to pay you back, whether or not you have an orgasm."
posted by Juliet Banana at 2:16 PM on June 21, 2012 [14 favorites]
Something that helped for me was having a partner where we never had intercourse (he was a secondary in a poly relationship, that was the agreement). I had my first orgasm-from-oral on his tongue because I had spent so much time blowing him that I felt zero guilt about making him eat me out forever; and it DIDN'T even take forever, once the pressure was off and I felt like I could take as long as I wanted and just enjoy it.
Maybe you guys can have a night where intercourse is off the table, and she blows you, and you say "oh, sweetie, that was the best BJ ever! That was so fucking good I want to lick your pussy for a goddamn hour just to pay you back, whether or not you have an orgasm."
posted by Juliet Banana at 2:16 PM on June 21, 2012 [14 favorites]
Never by herself (and she has never had an interest in masturbation)
She might want to consider having an interest in this, specifically "during sex (especially oral sex)". nobody is in a better position to judge what will push her that last little bit more than she is, and it will help her learn her body better, which will help.
posted by davejay at 2:38 PM on June 21, 2012
She might want to consider having an interest in this, specifically "during sex (especially oral sex)". nobody is in a better position to judge what will push her that last little bit more than she is, and it will help her learn her body better, which will help.
posted by davejay at 2:38 PM on June 21, 2012
I had a partner in a similar position, and tying her to the bed worked wonders - as did explaining quite explicity that I enjoyed going down on her and I didn't want to stop (unless of course she wanted me to for her sake, rather than for mine).
I don't think many men (including myself) grasp the nuances and subtleties of many women's sexualities and how they've been affected by some fairly toxic cultural ideas - that is, the ways guilt about enjoying sex, or shame about their bodies, or ideas of gender roles, have been incorporated into the bigger picture of sex.
posted by twirlypen at 2:59 PM on June 21, 2012 [6 favorites]
I don't think many men (including myself) grasp the nuances and subtleties of many women's sexualities and how they've been affected by some fairly toxic cultural ideas - that is, the ways guilt about enjoying sex, or shame about their bodies, or ideas of gender roles, have been incorporated into the bigger picture of sex.
posted by twirlypen at 2:59 PM on June 21, 2012 [6 favorites]
Given that she's not turned off by the idea and is willing to try it, add me to the "tie her up" column. Alex Comfort called this "slow masturbation" in The Joy of Sex and, aside from the bondage thing as a kink of its own, it's impressive what powerful reactions you can elicit from someone who can't instinctively back away when they get scary (loss of self-control) or unfamiliar.
posted by localroger at 3:30 PM on June 21, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by localroger at 3:30 PM on June 21, 2012 [1 favorite]
A lot of good advice in this thread. I can identify with your partner on the mastubation front - I really did not enjoy it until I had my first orgasm either (which happened earlier, but still "late" in my early twenties). It was uncomfortable and felt weird and definitely not sexy. But I just kept doing it because I knew it was key to being able to have an orgasm.
You and she both might want to read this amazing essay: A Unified Theory of Orgasm. It's long but looks at this issue from lots of angles, from the POV of a woman who had similar experiences and it's very insightful.
Does she fantasize at all?
This is really, really important. I think one thing that gets missed in the way sex is talked about in our culture is how much of arousal is mental. I'm always amazed at how many sex tips are physical (ie, "try this technique") and while technique is important, I've found it's crucial to be super turned on before anyone or anything touches my erogenous zones.
What worked for me after a decent amount of frustration was reading erotica (www.literotica.com is great) and discovering what turned my crank mentally. Once I did that, it was no problem at all to make myself orgasm (it still took a while with a partner, but at least I then knew the basics). In my case, it was erotica with dominance and submission themes - if she likes being tied up, then bondage erotica might work well for her.
posted by the essence of class and fanciness at 3:42 PM on June 21, 2012 [9 favorites]
You and she both might want to read this amazing essay: A Unified Theory of Orgasm. It's long but looks at this issue from lots of angles, from the POV of a woman who had similar experiences and it's very insightful.
Does she fantasize at all?
This is really, really important. I think one thing that gets missed in the way sex is talked about in our culture is how much of arousal is mental. I'm always amazed at how many sex tips are physical (ie, "try this technique") and while technique is important, I've found it's crucial to be super turned on before anyone or anything touches my erogenous zones.
What worked for me after a decent amount of frustration was reading erotica (www.literotica.com is great) and discovering what turned my crank mentally. Once I did that, it was no problem at all to make myself orgasm (it still took a while with a partner, but at least I then knew the basics). In my case, it was erotica with dominance and submission themes - if she likes being tied up, then bondage erotica might work well for her.
posted by the essence of class and fanciness at 3:42 PM on June 21, 2012 [9 favorites]
Sexy, sexy, anonymity girlfriend here. I felt the same way about orgasming before meeting sexy sexy anonymity. I could get myself so close and it would take a long time to do, but I would never peak. Here is what helped me. First this massager is amazing. Since it is plugged in without batteries the intensity can be maintained. Since some people may find the vibrations too intense then I also recommend this dimmer switch. It allows you to fully control the power. The first few times took a loooong time and I agree lots of foreplay really helps, but I used the wand on the clitoris and my boyfriend fingered me for a long time. It also helped to get into a position that allowed him to stimulate my nipples with his mouth basically giving my lots of stimulation everywhere. That is the physical side to it, but then I mentally felt bad about making him feel tired or taking too long and he helped by just being very nice and eager to help like it sounds like you are.
As a bonus I orgasm now all the time, although I usually have to use the massager. The only time I orgasmed with intercourse was when I was using the massager at the same time, but it works and it feels great!
I think the key for you is to not stop and kiss her but just keep going. Your girlfriend may be like me and sex alone while great will not provide the stimulation needed to get there. For me it has become easier and quicker to orgasm now that I have been able for the past 1.5 years. Good Luck!
posted by Sexy, Sexy Anonymity at 4:30 PM on June 21, 2012 [2 favorites]
As a bonus I orgasm now all the time, although I usually have to use the massager. The only time I orgasmed with intercourse was when I was using the massager at the same time, but it works and it feels great!
I think the key for you is to not stop and kiss her but just keep going. Your girlfriend may be like me and sex alone while great will not provide the stimulation needed to get there. For me it has become easier and quicker to orgasm now that I have been able for the past 1.5 years. Good Luck!
posted by Sexy, Sexy Anonymity at 4:30 PM on June 21, 2012 [2 favorites]
Also - SSRI's. They can really kill the orgasm reaction. It's like someone cut the threads linking body to where orgasm happens in the brain. So if your girlfriend happens to be on them....that might be a reason.
posted by glasseyes at 4:43 PM on June 21, 2012 [2 favorites]
posted by glasseyes at 4:43 PM on June 21, 2012 [2 favorites]
Mod note: From the OP:
Thanks everyone for the good input.posted by jessamyn (staff) at 5:33 PM on June 21, 2012
Does she fantasize at all? Does she enjoy dirty talk of any specific kind (e.g., words she likes to use/you to use, scenarios or situations she likes described)? One of the nice things about masturbation is you can explore the specific set of ideas and physical sensations that work to get you there, and then call upon them later when you need that last little bit to get you over the edge. Try exploring that side of things and maybe it will help with the body's there, brain isn't problem.
posted by MadamM at 2:13 PM on June 21 [+] [!]
She doesn't really have fantasies, but she does enjoy roleplaying and such. She is game for any scenario I am interested in. I suspect that part of her issue may be rooted in focusing too much on making her partner feel good.
She really has zero interest in masturbation. I have encouraged her as much as I can without being pushy.
But I'd also recommend devices. Like a Hitachi Magic Wand, or even just a simple pocket rocket, or a shower hose. In fact, in kink circles a magic wand is often used in "orgasm control" scenarios -- it's a powerful vibe that works wonders.
During sexy time, try not to over-emphasize the importance of the orgasm, though. Remember that sex can be LOTS of fun sans orgasm, and that putting pressure on a person to come may actually work against you. You need to be relaxed to have an orgasm, and if your head is full of, "Will it happen this time? Am I going to come now? What about now?" you're going to be too anxious to ever get off at all. As the partner in this situation, you should be careful not to pressure your girlfriend about her orgasm status.
posted by KinkySockPuppet at 1:20 PM on June 21 [2 favorites +] [!]
She doesn't like vibrators because it makes her feel distant from me. I do want to get a good one and try it with her, but I need to let her warm to the idea.
I really try to avoid any pressure to have an orgasm. I know that can ruin her chances and so I try to keep it light when we do talk about it.
You're also fingering her WHILE you're going down on her, right?
posted by feral_goldfish at 1:21 PM on June 21 [+] [!]
Yes. Oral sex is not a one size fits all act so I pay attention to her reactions and what she says and vary it accordingly. Nine times in ten I finger her as well, but sometimes she prefers no fingers, so that is what I do. She definitely enjoys it even though she doesn't come from it (yet).
I used to switch to intercourse rather than continuing oral until I came, too; part of it was the pressure that I was taking forever, that the dude was getting bored, that it wasn't going to happen anyway so we might as well switch to something really fun for both of us.
posted by Juliet Banana at 2:16 PM on June 21 [7 favorites +] [!]
I don't think worrying about me getting bored is the issue. She knows I love going down on her (and a plethora of other activities that don't involve my direct pleasure). She pulls me up to her when the pleasure gets very intense and overwhelming. Afterwards she describes it as needing to be physically close to me and me being between her legs going down on her was simply too far away.
"Actually, we started to figure out when we were getting close from clues like her being unwontedly hungry after sex, or her feet starting to tingle."
When that happens, offer a non-sexual massage. Once she is really relaxed and 'hungry' then try your best moves.
Some women are so sensitive that direct stimulation is uncomfortable. Really encourage her to communicate to you what she likes. Kiss her on her mouth as much as possible. It helps.
posted by myselfasme at 5:36 PM on June 21, 2012
When that happens, offer a non-sexual massage. Once she is really relaxed and 'hungry' then try your best moves.
Some women are so sensitive that direct stimulation is uncomfortable. Really encourage her to communicate to you what she likes. Kiss her on her mouth as much as possible. It helps.
posted by myselfasme at 5:36 PM on June 21, 2012
My girlfriend doesn't come from direct clit stimulation (too sensitive) or direct internal stimulation (not enough). It's not that it feels bad, it's just that it's not what she needs to get her over the edge. So what we do (sorry sweetheart, got to give this secret away) is to lay next to each other, arms and legs all a-tangle, and she takes her vibrator and goes to town a little away from her clit. I lay there, saying sweet/sexy/nasty things in her ear, encouraging her, and if she responds, if she gets over the edge, everyone walks away smiling. If not, oh well, we'll have sexytimes again, and maybe it will happen then. Don't talk about the orgasm at all. Talk about the fun sexy things that you both enjoy.
I know she feels like vibrators will make her feel distant, but the arms and legs and hot breath that you provide will help dispel that. Be sexy, be encouraging, be there for her.
The combo of playing together, encouraging her along, and accepting defeat knowing that the good times will come (no pun intended) later, will eventually get her to where she needs to be. And then each time after that will get better.
posted by deezil at 5:49 PM on June 21, 2012 [2 favorites]
I know she feels like vibrators will make her feel distant, but the arms and legs and hot breath that you provide will help dispel that. Be sexy, be encouraging, be there for her.
The combo of playing together, encouraging her along, and accepting defeat knowing that the good times will come (no pun intended) later, will eventually get her to where she needs to be. And then each time after that will get better.
posted by deezil at 5:49 PM on June 21, 2012 [2 favorites]
Afterwards she describes it as needing to be physically close to me and me being between her legs going down on her was simply too far away.
Have you tried that old standby, the 69? Then you're very close, but still able to go to town. She doesn't have to reciprocate, though that may help her too. I get what she's saying...looking at the ceiling while only one part of you is doing much can inadvertantly cool things down, especially if she's already worried and detached.
posted by emjaybee at 6:44 PM on June 21, 2012 [2 favorites]
Have you tried that old standby, the 69? Then you're very close, but still able to go to town. She doesn't have to reciprocate, though that may help her too. I get what she's saying...looking at the ceiling while only one part of you is doing much can inadvertantly cool things down, especially if she's already worried and detached.
posted by emjaybee at 6:44 PM on June 21, 2012 [2 favorites]
I had the "feeling distant" thing with vibrators at first too, until I started becoming comfortable with the feelings leading up to orgasm, as well as the orgasm itself. It took me playing both alone and with my partner to really consider the Hitachi less of a long distance tool to just get off, in a cold meaningless way, and more a part of the overall experience of sex play. After slowly dealing with that, I found I started being able to orgasm from things I'd previously not been able to, like oral sex! Yay.
Becoming comfortable with what your body is doing before/during orgasm can be tough. It's hard too, because you need to take her outside her comfort zone a little bit to help her, but that's a really fuzzy line that if pushed to far can be uncomfortable and, well, not very orgasmic.
Good luck to both of you!
posted by zinful at 6:57 PM on June 21, 2012 [1 favorite]
Becoming comfortable with what your body is doing before/during orgasm can be tough. It's hard too, because you need to take her outside her comfort zone a little bit to help her, but that's a really fuzzy line that if pushed to far can be uncomfortable and, well, not very orgasmic.
Good luck to both of you!
posted by zinful at 6:57 PM on June 21, 2012 [1 favorite]
Some have luck with warm running water.
Directly applied.
Thing to remember is this is something your body does when it's relaxed. Relaxation and arousal seem like opposites, but they're not.
posted by ead at 9:45 PM on June 21, 2012 [1 favorite]
Directly applied.
Thing to remember is this is something your body does when it's relaxed. Relaxation and arousal seem like opposites, but they're not.
posted by ead at 9:45 PM on June 21, 2012 [1 favorite]
It's worth mentioning, I think, that some women need more than one type of stimulation to come. For years, I couldn't orgasm, and had exactly the same feeling that your partner describes having--it'd get overwhelming and intense, but never *peak*. Finally I realized that I need more stimulation, and that a well-placed finger (or whatever) will make a huge difference.
For most women (in my experience, etc) you have four primary erogenous bits: anus, cunt, clit, breasts. (Obviously if she finds, say, petting her inner thigh to be really erotic, go with that instead!) You're already focusing on her clit, and you mentioned fingering her--I find that particular combination overwhelming. It might be worth trying to finger her anally, or play with her nipples (or buy some nipple clamps) to see if either of those things get her closer.
posted by MeghanC at 9:56 PM on June 21, 2012 [2 favorites]
For most women (in my experience, etc) you have four primary erogenous bits: anus, cunt, clit, breasts. (Obviously if she finds, say, petting her inner thigh to be really erotic, go with that instead!) You're already focusing on her clit, and you mentioned fingering her--I find that particular combination overwhelming. It might be worth trying to finger her anally, or play with her nipples (or buy some nipple clamps) to see if either of those things get her closer.
posted by MeghanC at 9:56 PM on June 21, 2012 [2 favorites]
1. If you tie her up, consider also gagging her so she can't speak (with something nonverbal as a safeword) so she can't tell you to stop. A blindfold is also good to try.
2. If she pulled you up to kiss you and have sex, that is sometimes code for, "My clit is too sensitive and I'm not enjoying this anymore." Try to get total honesty on that. (Easier said than done.) If the clit is too sensitive, stimulation on the hood might be better. Also, stopping and starting might be better. Direct stimulation can actually be uncomfortable to the point of painful and sometimes that's why you get the, "Come here and kiss me!" because it's awkward to say, "Dear god you are trying SO hard and this is doing nothing for me but being irritating... all I'm really feeling is wishing my body were more functional."
3. If she has any trace of ADD, you can experiment with Ritalin or Adderall on occasion.
4. Try marijuana.
5. Vibrator - maybe for her to play with alone even before she plays with you. A lot of women have had their first orgasms from vibrators. That said, it's nice to be able to come other ways and (don't shoot the messenger! sorry it's true!) a person can indeed get physically dependent on vibrators to come.
6. Varied stimulation. E.g., 3 minutes oral, 5 minutes fingers inside, 5 minutes sex, repeat endlessly. One tactic is to stop the direct stimulation (like oral stimulation) just when she seems to be getting to enjoying it, moving to something else, and repeating lots of times. This kind of teasing can sometimes really build things up without making the clit too sensitive, but it requires patience.
7. Nthing SSRIs as being problematic here. High estrogen BCPs can occasionally have that effect too. Wellbutrin is better than SSRIs for orgasms, though obviously be careful in switching up antidepressants for sexual reasons.
8. For a partner who takes a long time to orgasm, know that an orgasm might be something they only want to bother with now and then, even if you can make it happen. Sometimes a person wants sex that is a quickie, or when they can stop thinking rather than being extremely focused, or enjoy imprecise fucking rather than deliberate and direct stimulation. For someone who has a difficult time, orgasming can take extreme focus. Maybe talk sometime about how often she'd like different types of sex.
9. The bonding chemical, oxytocin, is released from intercourse, not just orgasms in women. Sex can be extremely pleasurable without an orgasm. Some women actually prefer the feeling of sex over the feeling of orgasms.
10. If she is the type to pull you up, sometimes you can get past that by saying, "Can I please keep going down on you a while? I really love how it feels. I can be more gentle or do what you like, but I don't feel like stopping." Make it selfish, and about you and your needs, and she might allow you to continue longer. Or, "I actually fantasize about your pussy all day, can I please play with you a little longer? Please please?" Etc.
posted by killiancourt at 10:47 PM on June 21, 2012 [4 favorites]
2. If she pulled you up to kiss you and have sex, that is sometimes code for, "My clit is too sensitive and I'm not enjoying this anymore." Try to get total honesty on that. (Easier said than done.) If the clit is too sensitive, stimulation on the hood might be better. Also, stopping and starting might be better. Direct stimulation can actually be uncomfortable to the point of painful and sometimes that's why you get the, "Come here and kiss me!" because it's awkward to say, "Dear god you are trying SO hard and this is doing nothing for me but being irritating... all I'm really feeling is wishing my body were more functional."
3. If she has any trace of ADD, you can experiment with Ritalin or Adderall on occasion.
4. Try marijuana.
5. Vibrator - maybe for her to play with alone even before she plays with you. A lot of women have had their first orgasms from vibrators. That said, it's nice to be able to come other ways and (don't shoot the messenger! sorry it's true!) a person can indeed get physically dependent on vibrators to come.
6. Varied stimulation. E.g., 3 minutes oral, 5 minutes fingers inside, 5 minutes sex, repeat endlessly. One tactic is to stop the direct stimulation (like oral stimulation) just when she seems to be getting to enjoying it, moving to something else, and repeating lots of times. This kind of teasing can sometimes really build things up without making the clit too sensitive, but it requires patience.
7. Nthing SSRIs as being problematic here. High estrogen BCPs can occasionally have that effect too. Wellbutrin is better than SSRIs for orgasms, though obviously be careful in switching up antidepressants for sexual reasons.
8. For a partner who takes a long time to orgasm, know that an orgasm might be something they only want to bother with now and then, even if you can make it happen. Sometimes a person wants sex that is a quickie, or when they can stop thinking rather than being extremely focused, or enjoy imprecise fucking rather than deliberate and direct stimulation. For someone who has a difficult time, orgasming can take extreme focus. Maybe talk sometime about how often she'd like different types of sex.
9. The bonding chemical, oxytocin, is released from intercourse, not just orgasms in women. Sex can be extremely pleasurable without an orgasm. Some women actually prefer the feeling of sex over the feeling of orgasms.
10. If she is the type to pull you up, sometimes you can get past that by saying, "Can I please keep going down on you a while? I really love how it feels. I can be more gentle or do what you like, but I don't feel like stopping." Make it selfish, and about you and your needs, and she might allow you to continue longer. Or, "I actually fantasize about your pussy all day, can I please play with you a little longer? Please please?" Etc.
posted by killiancourt at 10:47 PM on June 21, 2012 [4 favorites]
11. If she says, "I want to be close to you," go up and kiss her and be close to her for a while, and maybe have missionary position sex for a few minutes (or not). Then pull out and go down on her again (yes you are a hero in doing this) until she pulls you up and wants you close again. Repeat. Lots of times. I have a hard time imagining that this type of thing, with a vibrator available too, wouldn't lead to orgasm eventually.
12. Picture that she has to get to a level 10 to orgasm. Oral sex can bring her to a 7, but if you continue, it gets intense and irritating and stays at level 7. If you stop and let her relax down to a lower level like 0 or 2 or 3, then try some new tactics to bring her back up again, you can get a little higher, say 7.5, the 2nd time. Then if you let her relax after that and get back down to 0 or 2 or 3, you can then bring her back up to an 8.5 the 3rd time especially with some variety. And so on. Many women can't go from 0 to 10 without getting back to 2 or 3, resting, and being brought back up a few times. That's different from how many men operate so it can be unfamiliar.
posted by killiancourt at 11:00 PM on June 21, 2012 [4 favorites]
12. Picture that she has to get to a level 10 to orgasm. Oral sex can bring her to a 7, but if you continue, it gets intense and irritating and stays at level 7. If you stop and let her relax down to a lower level like 0 or 2 or 3, then try some new tactics to bring her back up again, you can get a little higher, say 7.5, the 2nd time. Then if you let her relax after that and get back down to 0 or 2 or 3, you can then bring her back up to an 8.5 the 3rd time especially with some variety. And so on. Many women can't go from 0 to 10 without getting back to 2 or 3, resting, and being brought back up a few times. That's different from how many men operate so it can be unfamiliar.
posted by killiancourt at 11:00 PM on June 21, 2012 [4 favorites]
I think the reason some women have a very difficult time having their first orgasm is that it's scary from the standpoint of losing control - for some seconds or a minute or so, your brain is not controlling your reactions and your behavior, and that's just simply frightening as hell. The bottom line is she needs to actually get through a real orgasm just once. When she does, she'll be amazed and delighted to find that it was a fantastic experience and the world didn't end - nothing terrible happened at all in the time she was "out." She'll be awash in endorphins and other wonderful brain chemicals and she'll want to do that again - the sooner the better.
The vibrator is absolutely the way to bring this about. If she's ever tried one and didn't like it, it's either because it brought her too close to orgasm and scared her from the out-of-control standpoint or else because it was used too directly on her clit and for too long. You might try something cute - maybe a rabbit, with wiggly ears - that effectively disguises the vibrator - just something that doesn't look freaky to a nervous girl (no giant penis, please). Use the toy gently, along one side of the clit, and use it on yourself also - and laugh at the antics of the rabbit (or whatever). She'll probably find herself in a crashing orgasm before she knows what happened.
It's like learning to walk - the first step's the hardest.
posted by aryma at 11:33 PM on June 21, 2012
The vibrator is absolutely the way to bring this about. If she's ever tried one and didn't like it, it's either because it brought her too close to orgasm and scared her from the out-of-control standpoint or else because it was used too directly on her clit and for too long. You might try something cute - maybe a rabbit, with wiggly ears - that effectively disguises the vibrator - just something that doesn't look freaky to a nervous girl (no giant penis, please). Use the toy gently, along one side of the clit, and use it on yourself also - and laugh at the antics of the rabbit (or whatever). She'll probably find herself in a crashing orgasm before she knows what happened.
It's like learning to walk - the first step's the hardest.
posted by aryma at 11:33 PM on June 21, 2012
The problem: she doesn't want to feel like she is having an orgasm alone. She wants to know you are right there and close to here, and vibrators or oral sex make you seem far away.
The solution: Laying sideways intercourse with you behind her, while she uses the vibrator in front. You are right there, you are having sex with her, your voice is in her ear, you are holding her close, and she still gets clitoral stimulation for the vibrator.
I really think this would work.
posted by treehorn+bunny at 12:59 AM on June 22, 2012
The solution: Laying sideways intercourse with you behind her, while she uses the vibrator in front. You are right there, you are having sex with her, your voice is in her ear, you are holding her close, and she still gets clitoral stimulation for the vibrator.
I really think this would work.
posted by treehorn+bunny at 12:59 AM on June 22, 2012
Mod note: From the OP:
Thanks again for the great suggestions. I'll be out of touch for the next few days. I'll try to update sometime next week, hopefully with good news.posted by jessamyn (staff) at 6:54 AM on June 22, 2012
She pulls me up to her when the pleasure gets very intense and overwhelming. Afterwards she describes it as needing to be physically close to me and me being between her legs going down on her was simply too far away.
I think this means the stimulation is about right, she's getting really close (assuming intense and overwhelming does not mean numb and overstimulated, but others have addressed that), and you should continue in a teasing fashion, switching back and forth between penetrating, oral, fingering, etc. like killiancourt suggests. But more importantly it sounds like her mind is not in the game; if she never ever fantasizes, and if she isn't giving herself permission to let her mind wander to whatever sexy thing she wants while you go down on her, it's going to make it so much harder than it needs to be. I understand completely what she's getting at; fucking provides alot more mental stimulation from your partner's face and sounds and reactions, the position might be more interesting or provide a sexier visual, you can touch each other freely, etc. Oral just doesn't do any of those things but it feels the best, so stop and talk sexy to her in the middle, engage in plenty of teasing and sexy talk before, stoke the mental fires in whatever way works best for her, as much as you possibly can. But SHE has to do the work of deciding what things turn her on mentally- without that, the stimulation and technique can be perfect and she still won't come.
posted by slow graffiti at 7:28 AM on June 22, 2012
I think this means the stimulation is about right, she's getting really close (assuming intense and overwhelming does not mean numb and overstimulated, but others have addressed that), and you should continue in a teasing fashion, switching back and forth between penetrating, oral, fingering, etc. like killiancourt suggests. But more importantly it sounds like her mind is not in the game; if she never ever fantasizes, and if she isn't giving herself permission to let her mind wander to whatever sexy thing she wants while you go down on her, it's going to make it so much harder than it needs to be. I understand completely what she's getting at; fucking provides alot more mental stimulation from your partner's face and sounds and reactions, the position might be more interesting or provide a sexier visual, you can touch each other freely, etc. Oral just doesn't do any of those things but it feels the best, so stop and talk sexy to her in the middle, engage in plenty of teasing and sexy talk before, stoke the mental fires in whatever way works best for her, as much as you possibly can. But SHE has to do the work of deciding what things turn her on mentally- without that, the stimulation and technique can be perfect and she still won't come.
posted by slow graffiti at 7:28 AM on June 22, 2012
I'll try to update sometime next week, hopefully with good news.
But don't feel bad or like you've "failed" if you don't have good news. Your girlfriend has gone 35 years without an orgasm - if she doesn't have one in the next 5 days, it won't be a surprise.
I think it's great that you're wanting to make this happen for her, and I believe you that you're not putting pressure on her, but a really important thing to remember is that she's going to have to do most of the work here. A lot of the best advice here was advice that only she can take, you know?
posted by the essence of class and fanciness at 11:30 AM on June 22, 2012 [1 favorite]
But don't feel bad or like you've "failed" if you don't have good news. Your girlfriend has gone 35 years without an orgasm - if she doesn't have one in the next 5 days, it won't be a surprise.
I think it's great that you're wanting to make this happen for her, and I believe you that you're not putting pressure on her, but a really important thing to remember is that she's going to have to do most of the work here. A lot of the best advice here was advice that only she can take, you know?
posted by the essence of class and fanciness at 11:30 AM on June 22, 2012 [1 favorite]
Similar experience with orgasm with my other. Masturbation in her own time is a great idea mainly for the fact that she needs to get comfortable with that feeling of orgasm. The closeness to that feeling at first scared my gf and she would naturally resist.
The other part to the puzzle was rather of doing the same thing.. "the clitoral hoods" is the most sensitive area which might get her close but there is more to the orgasm than just getting aroused. I found that penetration at the "g-spot" area actually worked. It exists and its a spongy bulging area that you can feel with your fingertips( 5 cm from the entrance) when she is aroused. Put round,light pressure in the area The feeling of the orgasm is mainly the liquid building up in the area untill you stimulate the area to bring it out.
The above described might not work for every person out there but worth a try!.Definitely be patient. For the first time 30 min might not even work.
Also after the first orgasm, its much easier for further orgasms either within the same or future sessions.
posted by radsqd at 7:54 AM on June 23, 2012
The other part to the puzzle was rather of doing the same thing.. "the clitoral hoods" is the most sensitive area which might get her close but there is more to the orgasm than just getting aroused. I found that penetration at the "g-spot" area actually worked. It exists and its a spongy bulging area that you can feel with your fingertips( 5 cm from the entrance) when she is aroused. Put round,light pressure in the area The feeling of the orgasm is mainly the liquid building up in the area untill you stimulate the area to bring it out.
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The above described might not work for every person out there but worth a try!.Definitely be patient. For the first time 30 min might not even work.
Also after the first orgasm, its much easier for further orgasms either within the same or future sessions.
posted by radsqd at 7:54 AM on June 23, 2012
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posted by TochterAusElysium at 1:10 PM on June 21, 2012 [6 favorites]