When and where to get married and other issues
June 13, 2012 9:22 PM Subscribe
Please help me and my guy decide when and where to get married, and how to deal with various issues
Background: I met him in Turkey, we're engaged, I moved back to the US to spend time with my parents and wait for him to come here (he has a fiance visa pending) before setting off to grad school. Grad school didn't end up working out for this year, I'm hoping it will work out for next year. Right now I see two options:
1) Wait until he gets his fiance visa, hopefully in October. Get married in the US. I won't know where I'm going to school yet, so we can't move into anything but a temporary situation. It would be probably stressful and unreasonable for him to look for a job for just a few months. It's important that we pay the bills somehow. We can burn through some savings if we have to but probably not the best way to start off if it can be avoided. Also, I'm really looking forward to 'setting up house' when we get married (we haven't lived together) and I won't be in that mood if we'll just be in the first apartment for a few months, and I'll feel jipped of the excitement. Before he comes in October, I would spend a couple of months in Istanbul and spend lots of time with him, so at least this option doesn't include total deprivation of each other through October.
or
2) move back to Turkey, get married there, restart the visa process and apply as a married couple (getting the visa in approximately 6-7 months, hopefully), only move to the US after I know where I'd be going to school probably around March 2012. Advantages- only moving once, he can look for a job as soon as he comes, we can set up house for a few years from the get go. I'll spend the next several months in Turkey where it's easier for me to find short term jobs, and where I already have friends and everything, and we can both save some extra money more easily than in plan 1, which I think will be very helpful for when we first get to the US together and have to make ends meet without either of us having a job in the beginning. Right now I'm stuck in an awkward situation where it would be hard to get a job when I expect to work less than a year, and want to take vacation time off for weddings (one in Turkey and one in US) and honeymoon. Disadvantages- this involves restarting our visa process when we're almost done waiting for the fiance visa. It's stressful waiting for a piece of paper which controls your next steps, even if most likely we won't have issues obtaining it. Also, I have a preference for spending the first year of our married life in the US and not in Turkey.
I can apply early decision to one school and hope that it accepts me, but I certainly can't count on it. If I were accepted, then option 1 is much better because we would quickly know where we are going to live
other curve balls- I am still theoretically on one waitlist for a school I would love to go to starting in September- but I calculate the odds of me getting in at this point as being at best around 5%. But I would be really upset if I did get in and had ruined the visa process for him to come here quickly by marrying him and pursuing option 1.
potential option 3- getting a 'religious marriage' and then living together in turkey until i know where i'm going to school and then we can go to the US, fiance visa process uninterrupted. not sure how i feel about this option. it's either the best or the worst.
living together without a legal or religious wedding isn't going to work for either of us culturally. plus we wanted to get married months ago and the only reason we aren't right now is because of the stupid visa issues.
please advise us. and thanks for reading this dense block of text if you made it to the end :)
Background: I met him in Turkey, we're engaged, I moved back to the US to spend time with my parents and wait for him to come here (he has a fiance visa pending) before setting off to grad school. Grad school didn't end up working out for this year, I'm hoping it will work out for next year. Right now I see two options:
1) Wait until he gets his fiance visa, hopefully in October. Get married in the US. I won't know where I'm going to school yet, so we can't move into anything but a temporary situation. It would be probably stressful and unreasonable for him to look for a job for just a few months. It's important that we pay the bills somehow. We can burn through some savings if we have to but probably not the best way to start off if it can be avoided. Also, I'm really looking forward to 'setting up house' when we get married (we haven't lived together) and I won't be in that mood if we'll just be in the first apartment for a few months, and I'll feel jipped of the excitement. Before he comes in October, I would spend a couple of months in Istanbul and spend lots of time with him, so at least this option doesn't include total deprivation of each other through October.
or
2) move back to Turkey, get married there, restart the visa process and apply as a married couple (getting the visa in approximately 6-7 months, hopefully), only move to the US after I know where I'd be going to school probably around March 2012. Advantages- only moving once, he can look for a job as soon as he comes, we can set up house for a few years from the get go. I'll spend the next several months in Turkey where it's easier for me to find short term jobs, and where I already have friends and everything, and we can both save some extra money more easily than in plan 1, which I think will be very helpful for when we first get to the US together and have to make ends meet without either of us having a job in the beginning. Right now I'm stuck in an awkward situation where it would be hard to get a job when I expect to work less than a year, and want to take vacation time off for weddings (one in Turkey and one in US) and honeymoon. Disadvantages- this involves restarting our visa process when we're almost done waiting for the fiance visa. It's stressful waiting for a piece of paper which controls your next steps, even if most likely we won't have issues obtaining it. Also, I have a preference for spending the first year of our married life in the US and not in Turkey.
I can apply early decision to one school and hope that it accepts me, but I certainly can't count on it. If I were accepted, then option 1 is much better because we would quickly know where we are going to live
other curve balls- I am still theoretically on one waitlist for a school I would love to go to starting in September- but I calculate the odds of me getting in at this point as being at best around 5%. But I would be really upset if I did get in and had ruined the visa process for him to come here quickly by marrying him and pursuing option 1.
potential option 3- getting a 'religious marriage' and then living together in turkey until i know where i'm going to school and then we can go to the US, fiance visa process uninterrupted. not sure how i feel about this option. it's either the best or the worst.
living together without a legal or religious wedding isn't going to work for either of us culturally. plus we wanted to get married months ago and the only reason we aren't right now is because of the stupid visa issues.
please advise us. and thanks for reading this dense block of text if you made it to the end :)
Best answer: Both options involve living somewhere temporarily (Turkey in option 2, a city that you might not be staying in in the US in option 1). It seems more sensible to wait for the paperwork on the visa you've already started to come through and marry in the US, since that is where you obviously ultimately want to settle.
Also, dealing with grad schools is much easier if you're in the country.
posted by jrochest at 9:41 PM on June 13, 2012
Also, dealing with grad schools is much easier if you're in the country.
posted by jrochest at 9:41 PM on June 13, 2012
Response by poster: not threadsitting because after this comment i'm going to sleep! Jrochest, although in option 2 we'd be living somewhere temporarily, it's where i've been living for the past two years (just moved back to US) and i'm actually much happier there than living with my parents currently. and i'm concerned about not having him shuttle between american cities as he adjusts to life here- me, I can handle that cause I've done a lot more of it and am used to both countries. so i don't consider that to be an additional move as for him its not, and for me turkey works out better in the short run anyhow.
i'm looking forward to waking up in the morning and reading the advice everyone has for me! thanks in advance! i <3 askme
posted by saraindc at 9:49 PM on June 13, 2012
i'm looking forward to waking up in the morning and reading the advice everyone has for me! thanks in advance! i <3 askme
posted by saraindc at 9:49 PM on June 13, 2012
Have you spoken to him about this? Does he have a strong opinion on either option? I find it interesting that you state you can handle moving around, but he can't. If he's been voicing concern about getting culture shock, that's definitely a point towards easing it along and going together, but if he's all gung-ho about living in the states then it's a point towards moving straight off.
As a soon to be married couple, this is the sort of thing you should be hashing out together. It's only the first of many of this type of conversation!
posted by Dynex at 10:40 PM on June 13, 2012
As a soon to be married couple, this is the sort of thing you should be hashing out together. It's only the first of many of this type of conversation!
posted by Dynex at 10:40 PM on June 13, 2012
"i'm concerned about not having him shuttle between american cities as he adjusts to life here"
You are worth it! There is no reason for you to make all the adjustments and sacrifices.
posted by Cranberry at 12:38 AM on June 14, 2012
You are worth it! There is no reason for you to make all the adjustments and sacrifices.
posted by Cranberry at 12:38 AM on June 14, 2012
This may not be directly relevant or helpful (the US Visa system confuses me, so a Green Card may not be relevant, but a friend recently completed getting his Green Card (from Australia) to live with his American wife of 10+ years (they had been living in Europe) and it took two-and-a-half years, which he had to be out of the country for. It was supposed to take six months.
So that "getting the visa in approximately 6-7 months, hopefully" might or might not be realistic.
If it is relevant anecdata it might affect your decision one way or another.
posted by Mezentian at 12:56 AM on June 14, 2012
So that "getting the visa in approximately 6-7 months, hopefully" might or might not be realistic.
If it is relevant anecdata it might affect your decision one way or another.
posted by Mezentian at 12:56 AM on June 14, 2012
It took my friend a long time to get a marriage green card despite having lived and worked in the US for 10 years. Finally they had to call their congressman. They got it the next day. Don't get out of line. Its too important.
posted by Ironmouth at 4:48 AM on June 14, 2012
posted by Ironmouth at 4:48 AM on June 14, 2012
Setting up house and moving both incur expenses every time you do them and short term housing is generally more expensive than usual rentals. Given ahat, and the US job market right now, I think if you're looking at 10-12 months before your new American destination, then you might be better off working in Turkey.
But I also don't think you should get out of the visa line, and if that means he has to move to the US in short order when it comes through, then you should plan for that eventuality.
Ultimately though, you do have to hash this out with him.
posted by Heart_on_Sleeve at 4:57 AM on June 14, 2012
But I also don't think you should get out of the visa line, and if that means he has to move to the US in short order when it comes through, then you should plan for that eventuality.
Ultimately though, you do have to hash this out with him.
posted by Heart_on_Sleeve at 4:57 AM on June 14, 2012
Stay in line for the visa. Stay in the US. I heard on NPR last night that a lot of waitlisted folks are being solicited for places in thier programs.
As for using the word "jipped" it's actually "gypped" and it's a derogatory term for gypsies. I'm sure you didn't know that, but you might want to stop using it.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 5:54 AM on June 14, 2012
As for using the word "jipped" it's actually "gypped" and it's a derogatory term for gypsies. I'm sure you didn't know that, but you might want to stop using it.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 5:54 AM on June 14, 2012
Response by poster: jrochest made a point i forgot about- thanks! it is best that i'm in this countries for a few months while visiting schools and stuff like that.
also I have discussed this extensively with him and we just can't figure it out which is why I turned to askme.
Ruthless- oh! I didn't know that- terribly sorry. will be deleting that word from my vocabulary now.
there is no 'waitlist' for fiances or husbands- but there are certainly many other potential delays and you're all probably right that I shouldn't exit the process. But then do you have suggestions for mitigating the issues of option 1? moving cities twice and needing a job to pay the bills regardless etc?
posted by saraindc at 7:25 AM on June 14, 2012
also I have discussed this extensively with him and we just can't figure it out which is why I turned to askme.
Ruthless- oh! I didn't know that- terribly sorry. will be deleting that word from my vocabulary now.
there is no 'waitlist' for fiances or husbands- but there are certainly many other potential delays and you're all probably right that I shouldn't exit the process. But then do you have suggestions for mitigating the issues of option 1? moving cities twice and needing a job to pay the bills regardless etc?
posted by saraindc at 7:25 AM on June 14, 2012
I think the waitlist is for school, though this article was about undergraduate waitlists, not graduate ones.
Don't drop out of the visa process.
Moving cities twice is disappointing (and annoying), but it's life. You are getting to marry your fiance; having to live in an apartment before you move somewhere you will be in longer term is not a bad thing -- it's maybe a good thing, because you can see what things you want in a space you live in together as a couple before you're stuck in a longer lease, you can see what kinds of furniture or colours or plants or whatever you both like. It's months of planning, and planning can be a lot of fun.
Of course he can look for a job. It might be temporary, it might not -- you might decide not to go to grad school, you might stay in your city, they might have an office near your grad school, your fiance might be able to work remotely, etc.
posted by jeather at 8:28 AM on June 14, 2012
Don't drop out of the visa process.
Moving cities twice is disappointing (and annoying), but it's life. You are getting to marry your fiance; having to live in an apartment before you move somewhere you will be in longer term is not a bad thing -- it's maybe a good thing, because you can see what things you want in a space you live in together as a couple before you're stuck in a longer lease, you can see what kinds of furniture or colours or plants or whatever you both like. It's months of planning, and planning can be a lot of fun.
Of course he can look for a job. It might be temporary, it might not -- you might decide not to go to grad school, you might stay in your city, they might have an office near your grad school, your fiance might be able to work remotely, etc.
posted by jeather at 8:28 AM on June 14, 2012
Best answer: I've done the fiance visa process (although we're no longer together) and it always takes longer than they say it will. If you haven't yet, join Visa Journey and use that as a reference for how long you have left to wait.
Also, our process magically went faster when I called my congressman. Even though he said he "couldn't help but would put a word in" it made a huge difference.
I've been through this and it totally sucks. Memail me if you want. Sorry I can't help with telling you what to do. One thing I will say is that my ex's transition here was really, really difficult. You are wise to be taking that into consideration. Love alone is not strong enough to push through that incredibly difficult time, and you should certainly weigh in to the process that variable.
I'm being sort of cryptic, so I'm happy to explain more over memail than I'd say here in a publicly searchable forum. :-)
posted by guster4lovers at 8:54 AM on June 14, 2012
Also, our process magically went faster when I called my congressman. Even though he said he "couldn't help but would put a word in" it made a huge difference.
I've been through this and it totally sucks. Memail me if you want. Sorry I can't help with telling you what to do. One thing I will say is that my ex's transition here was really, really difficult. You are wise to be taking that into consideration. Love alone is not strong enough to push through that incredibly difficult time, and you should certainly weigh in to the process that variable.
I'm being sort of cryptic, so I'm happy to explain more over memail than I'd say here in a publicly searchable forum. :-)
posted by guster4lovers at 8:54 AM on June 14, 2012
Response by poster: A really important follow up!
If I were to get a religious wedding in Turkey, it would not be a legally binding one! So if USCIS, you are looking at this, don't worry! He will come to the US on a fiance visa without having previously been legally married.
Thanks to the askme reader who sent me this concern.
posted by saraindc at 7:03 AM on June 15, 2012
If I were to get a religious wedding in Turkey, it would not be a legally binding one! So if USCIS, you are looking at this, don't worry! He will come to the US on a fiance visa without having previously been legally married.
Thanks to the askme reader who sent me this concern.
posted by saraindc at 7:03 AM on June 15, 2012
Response by poster: From the Consulate General of the US in Istanbul's web-site:
"Congratulations on your engagement. All marriages in Turkey must be performed under the authority of the Turkish Civil Code to be legally recognized. Religious ceremonies are not legally recognized. "
http://istanbul.usconsulate.gov/marriage.html
posted by saraindc at 7:17 AM on June 15, 2012
"Congratulations on your engagement. All marriages in Turkey must be performed under the authority of the Turkish Civil Code to be legally recognized. Religious ceremonies are not legally recognized. "
http://istanbul.usconsulate.gov/marriage.html
posted by saraindc at 7:17 AM on June 15, 2012
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by Ironmouth at 9:40 PM on June 13, 2012 [1 favorite]