What's so funny? ...Damned if I know.
June 10, 2012 4:29 AM   Subscribe

I sometimes feel like I react too quickly or too slowly to things happening in the moment, especially in conversation. Does anyone else experience this, and if so what is it and how can I fix it?

Example: sometimes I'll be watching TV with my sister, and someone will say something funny and I'll laugh. My sister sometimes misses it so she'll ask me, "what was that? what did they say?" and I'll realise I actually have no idea what was just said, like I just laughed because I assumed it would be funny. I tend to do this in conversation too, putting my foot in it by laughing or reacting differently when someone makes a remark, when everyone else's reaction seems to be to agree or sympathise or provide their own anecdote or something.

I'm the first person to admit to being a pretty awkward conversationalist, so that stuff isn't *too* worrying. But I do seem to have a problem just processing what people say. Last week a big group of people were going off for an end-of-exams celebration, and as I was yet undecided (much keener on going home and catching up on sleep, honestly), my friend tried to badger me into going, saying stuff like, "come ON! don't be such a KJ (killjoy)!" "you're so antisocial!" "everyone else is going, just COME WITH!" I did end up *not* going, but it was only till much later, when I got home, that it came to me that: "hey! she called me a killjoy! in a really mean tone of voice too! why does she always do that?" It's like I didn't even notice. And then I really wished I could have stood up for myself in the moment instead of just letting her cut me down. (If it was a one-off I might be more forgiving, but upon reflection she does this a lot, so I'm a bit peeved right now.)

So is this kind of thing normal or is there something I legitimately need to work on? I just already have problems focusing in general so I get paranoid about every little slip-up. I'm female, early twenties, if that has any relevance.
posted by cucumber patch to Human Relations (7 answers total) 6 users marked this as a favorite
 
Is there a chance that you have a problem with hearing? During conversations, do you worry a lot about slipping up? It could be that you miss things because you're too focusing on worrying about making mistakes.

I have something similar: For some reason I "hear" people the first time they say something, but my brain doesn't process it, so I either go "Huh? I didn't hear you" and then they repeat themselves and I think "Oh so I DID hear them" or I say "Huh?" and they don't respond right away, and I manage to process what they've said and can respond. It's led to me repeating the last few things people say just to make sure I've heard them right, and I'm like ugh, they must think I'm stupid.

My guess is that's a hearing problem or a worrying too much about not focusing on the conversation problem.
posted by Autumn at 4:56 AM on June 10, 2012


Trying to line up your 2 examples with a common explanation...

In your first example (anticipatory laughing), I'm wondering whether you were thinking about the reaction your friends expected of you rather than listening to the show. Do you often try to behave in ways you think other people expect, to the extent of disregarding your own inclinations? Were you focused on the show, or on what the people in the room with you might be thinking about you? Could you be dealing with social anxiety by trying to say the right things at the right times, making spontaneity difficult? If so, it might help to work at improving your confidence rather than your timing.
posted by jon1270 at 5:16 AM on June 10, 2012


Look into CBT and Lexapro. Both can help slow you down and change reactions/behaviors.
posted by kdern at 5:36 AM on June 10, 2012


Best answer: So is this kind of thing normal or is there something I legitimately need to work on?

Yes.

Last week a big group of people were going off for an end-of-exams celebration, and as I was yet undecided (much keener on going home and catching up on sleep, honestly), my friend tried to badger me into going, saying stuff like, "come ON! don't be such a KJ (killjoy)!" "you're so antisocial!" "everyone else is going, just COME WITH!" I did end up *not* going, but it was only till much later, when I got home, that it came to me that: "hey! she called me a killjoy! in a really mean tone of voice too! why does she always do that?" It's like I didn't even notice.

Happens to everyone, I think. Someone will make an off-hand comment that's disregarded at the time. Later on, the comment spontaneously emerges again, and it's given a more thorough investigation. When this happens occasionally, it's probably pretty normal. If it happens consistently, it's a sign of anxiety.

For instance, I often hear it from people in regards to job interviews, as interviews are one of the most awkward power dynamics many people experience. There is usually one person with the majority of the power and the other with little. Sometimes it is different, however that power dynamic is often present. Many times, people are sitting in bed that evening, replaying the conversation in their heads over and over again, examining every word that was said on each side, attempting to extract as much meaning as possible. As mentioned, to some degree it is natural. In excess, it can be quite problematic.

In terms of what you are experiencing, it may well be that you are introvert and make decisions more slowly, and perhaps in your own time. Extraverts often make snap decisions base on what they see in front of them. In the MBTI classification, 'introversion' and 'extraversion' are not only whether you are outgoing or not, but how to process information.

A hallmark of extroverts is 'fire and forget', when it comes to conversations. They're always putting their foot in their mouth because they often do not 'think before they speak'. Rather, the 'speak before they think'. And then think about it later. You may well not be indecisive, rather you take more time to make decisions.

It's very funny as I once had a partner who I considered completely indecisive. It took her all day to figure out if she wanted sushi or not. She considered me to completely impulsive; I never gave enough consideration to the options, rather I just snapped to an answer and went with it. Who was right? Which way is better?

Yes.

The more interesting area to explore perhaps is:

I really wished I could have stood up for myself in the moment instead of just letting her cut me down. (If it was a one-off I might be more forgiving, but upon reflection she does this a lot, so I'm a bit peeved right now.)

The point of your question is not "why don't I say yes to more social events", thus you seem to feel completely confident in your decision. Thus, your question is "why don't I stand up for myself to my friend who berates me?"

Taken in context of the above process (wishing later to have punched her in the nose or whatever the appropriate resolution could have been), there may be a bit of anxiety at work here. You knew you did not want to go to the party from the get-go, yet for some reason, you seemed to have felt that was not the 'right' answer. You want sleep. Everyone's going to party. Friend wants you to go party. You sit on the fence, basically delaying her anger toward you – which you seem to know will come – and then finally, when it's time to decide, you go home.

I say a bit of anxiety perhaps because the social pressure seems to block your sense of conviction. As if there are two messages: 1) what I want to do, and 2) what other people want me to do. Conflict between them seems to obscure your ability to communicate clearly to yourself what you want.

The age is interesting because it is about the time where you develop the next phase of independence. Most of your life has been in institutional education I imagine, which has meant making choices from relatively limited sets of options. You are in a school with a group of people, and you choose the most alike from that group. The latter function is key, for you do not choose the best options for you from all options possible, you choose the best options for you from all options present. As you come to the tail-end of school, many people often find that "what they have been doing" is not the same as "what they now want to do". You have more options, you have more experience, and the world is bigger. The choices you make at the end of university are not the same as the choices you make at the beginning.

For example, I lived in a house with nine people in college and for a few years afterward. We had a very similar lifestyle. We worked hard during the day, cooked a lot together in the evening, were staples at the Los Angeles nightclub scene (4 - 5 nights a week), had big parties for sporting events, etc. etc.

Five years later, people tended to drop a lot of the 'ambient' things. That is, things easy to do when it's right next to you, but you wouldn't do it on your own. I stopped going to nightclubs altogether. Another fellow never ate at a home. Another guy actually hated sports, he more just like the party.

In your case, you seem to be solidifying your convictions to some degree. You like laughing for it's own sake, don't really like making smalltalk so it seems, and would rather sleep than party. Nothing wrong with any of that really, you're coming into your own.

When it comes to the interaction with the friend, perhaps the anxiety exists in those situations because it's hard for you to say no or disappoint people. Now that you know what you want to do, when it's not what your friend wants to do, you are stuck. Because you have a growing sense of "I want to do this", and when that diverges from what your friend wants to do, she becomes aggressive. Why do you not stand up to yourself in the moment? Probably because you don't like upsetting her.

If every time your opinions of what to diverge, she beats you up about it, you learn that the cost of having an opinion different from hers is to endure her berating. Thus, when you do have a different opinion, you are probably less deciding if you want to go to the party or not, and more when you would like your friend to berate you – now? or in an hour? or in two?.

So the reason you do not stand up for yourself in the moment may well have to do with the fact that you do not like disappointing people, and want to prolong that as long as possible. What makes me think that is how you mentioned, you either make a decision very quickly or make a decision very slowly.

If you want what the someone else wants, then it's very easy, "Yes, I want that." Off you go.

If you want something alternative to what someone else wants, then you get stuck. Not because you're seriously considering the action, but rather because you do not like disappointing people and are seeking the opportune time – as if in changing the time of communication, it will change how the message is received.

All the rest is conflating things. There's nothing really wrong with you, I expect. Rather, you don't stand up for yourself and you're looking for reasons why. I suspect the reason is that as mentioned, you are becoming stronger in your opinions, yet you have a bit of anxiety around setting boundaries and voicing your opinion. If you perhaps told your friend to fuck off, you might worry that she might not be your friend.

She doesn't sound like a great friend anyway, so I don't know how much you're losing there. Obviously, there's a lot more to this for you. How you were raised, interactions with parents, how communication was handled there. If you want to chat to someone about it, it could be interesting, but overall, it sounds like you are on the journey so many of us have been on, where you are discovering 1) it's okay to do what you want to do, 2) that's a change from the groupthink mentality of school, 3) this maturing comes with a bit of conflict.

The next step is 4)

TLDR; simply care less about how people respond to your choices. As long as you are true to yourself and not coming from a place of malice, you'll be fine.

In essence, the thoughts of self-defence that arrive later are a symptom, not the problem. The problem comes much earlier in associating with someone that doesn't respect your boundaries. Solve the latter and I expect you'll solve the former.
posted by nickrussell at 5:45 AM on June 10, 2012 [4 favorites]


It sounds, from your first example at least, like you're not really listening to other people, because you're thinking a lot about what's expected of you in a conversation. This makes sense, since you've self-identified as an awkward conversationalist, and you're probably trying to make your conversations less awkward by focusing intensely on the meta-conversation: when someone says something that sounds like this I should laugh, etc. The problem, as you've noticed, is that this prevents you from actually listening to what's being said, and ends up making your conversations more awkward. So, maybe the solution is to worry less about how the conversation is going to go, and just focus really intently on what the other person is saying.
posted by Ragged Richard at 7:44 AM on June 10, 2012 [2 favorites]


I don't know if this is really the same as what you experience, I mean really it's quite common to wish you had a snappy retort when someone irritates you.

I have a similar problem with delayed emotional reactions, but it can happen with positive emotions as well.

I think I do this because I am introverted and often just taking tons of information in- almost overly focused on another person and just taking it in as it appears. So that it is only later that I reflect on it, really absorb it and am able to react.

I think of it as a super mild sort of aspergers thing, well something in that vein anyhow. For me however this does not usually occur with people that I am really tight with- so maybe it is related to insecurity.
posted by abirdinthehand at 8:43 AM on June 10, 2012 [1 favorite]


Sounds like you have some social anxiety, and that's compounding the problem. Everyone deals with having stuff not immediately register on occasion, and sure, some people process things more quickly than others. But I definitely think you're making it worse by reacting for the crowd and focusing on that. You are devoting mental energy to trying to have the appropriate reaction, and that makes it more difficult to listen in real time.

This would make the solution to mitigate your anxiety, which may involve being ok with not having an immediate reaction.
posted by J. Wilson at 8:47 AM on June 10, 2012


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