what do you talk/move with ur gf's friends?

May 18, 2012 9:54 AM

I am nervous(totally) about meeting bunch of strangers and the thought they are all there to meet me. How do you handle this? what kind of conversations would you have with them?

I am going out with girl for 2 months now. Her friends apparently are excited about this and wants to meet me.

So my gf is inviting me to one of her friends house where few other couples are meeting.

I am nervous(totally) about meeting bunch of strangers and the thought they are all there to meet me.

How do you handle this? what kind of conversations would you have with them? They are all like me (early 30's) and 40's.

posted by daveg02 to Human Relations (23 answers total)

Talk with your girlfriend ahead of time about this. Ask her to give you a bit of a run-down on the people who will be there, and what they're like, so that you have a sense of who they are. That way you're not blindsided by making a comment that falls flat.

If you feel really, really uncomfortable, then ask her to "grease the wheel" as it were; introduce you to people, and be ready to step in and change the subject if it looks like you're about to go off the rails.

Otherwise, my advice is just to be yourself.
posted by LN at 9:58 AM on May 18, 2012

I'm nervous as hell about meeting people also, but I've found a great trick is that in most groupings of people, the majority are not like us and like to talk. So I ask a few general questions to keep the conversation flowing, starting usually by asking them a little about themselves, what they do, where they are from originally, etc. That's usually enough to get a conversation going and allow you a chance to contribute similar information as the opportunity arises. Further branches are "What are you doing when you're not (working/school/etc)", asking about movies, any upcoming trips etc. All generic queries that will usually start a good flow of conversation.

And if all that fails, "how about them " or "man what about this weather, eh?"
posted by barc0001 at 10:00 AM on May 18, 2012 [1 favorite]

Hm, looks like my "how about them local sports team" comment got cropped for improper sign usage.
posted by barc0001 at 10:02 AM on May 18, 2012

Remember, people love to talk about themselves. Ask enough open-ended questions that you can figure out how you can show interest in their interests, and then get 'em talking about their interests.

A line that worked for me back when I was more shy and needed a canned opener was "so, who are you?" "We've been introduced, I'm ZZZ", "no, I mean who are you?". It was a way where I didn't have to worry about "what do you do when you're not working?" falling flat if work was their passion, and so on.

Which is kind of like "how about them local sports team", but actually works for the types of people I hang out with who don't do local sports.
posted by straw at 10:07 AM on May 18, 2012 [1 favorite]

I am nervous(totally) about meeting bunch of strangers and the thought they are all there to meet me.

Here's the thing: they're not, really. I mean, everyone eventually brings around their new significant other and there's about five minutes of "oh, hey, new guy" and then it's just a bunch of people hanging out probably in the exact same way you hang out with your friends. You may get asked more questions than the others, but no one really cares about the answers. And then someone mentions something that happened and that becomes the topic of the conversation and you say something relevant and everyone acknowledges the fact that you're just a normal dude and not going to murder their friend in her sleep.
posted by griphus at 10:08 AM on May 18, 2012 [8 favorites]

A line that worked for me back when I was more shy and needed a canned opener was "so, who are you?"

I would find something like that weird and offputting. YMMV, OP.
posted by griphus at 10:10 AM on May 18, 2012 [11 favorites]

The times I've had this happen it has been a cake walk. The fact that they are excited to meet you means that they'll have tons of questions for you to judge your viability as a mate and conversations will be easily plentiful and not-up-to-you. You're not going to have to recite Finnegan's Wake from memory or anything (but if you can this would be the time to do it ;).
posted by rhizome at 10:13 AM on May 18, 2012

The times I've had this happen have been anything but a cakewalk. The friends are there to judge your suitability to be their friends SO, and if they decide you're not, believe me it will get unpleasant. This is why I'm advocating 1) prepare ahead of time so you don't make the wrong comment (such as a liberal viewpoint among a predominantly conservative group) and b) working with your GF, so that it's obvious to her friends that she's got your back. If they see this, they will be far more likely to accept you.
posted by LN at 10:17 AM on May 18, 2012 [1 favorite]

Show up early, before everyone else.
posted by KokuRyu at 10:17 AM on May 18, 2012

Think about it that they are there for you to meet them, as opposed to the other way around. You ask them about them, how they met your girlfriend, where they are from, what they do for a living, etc...
posted by rich at 10:18 AM on May 18, 2012

Response by poster: You ask them about them,
how they met your girlfriend,
where they are from,
what they do for a living

can we expand this list? This is great. Thanks
posted by daveg02 at 10:24 AM on May 18, 2012 [2 favorites]

how long have you lived in [current town]?
--> if from elsewhere, was the transition hard? how was [old city]?
do you guys usually hang out, or do you go out to see movies, sports, etc?
--> or do you wait for excuses to grill new SO's? (if you like laugh lines)
how do you (the hosts) like this neighborhood?

no idea on the cake walk or not, but I do agree that most groups are interested more to "see the new catch" (i.e., share the fun, confirm the stories) than to "judge your suitability" (put you through the ringer), and that they're likely to "just hang out" once your novelty has been explored a bit. but if basic meeting-people is nerve-wracking, then you can probably seed the above basics with whatever selection of "how about that competitive sporting event?" (a friend of mine used that exact line, heh) or "can you believe [recent crazy local news item]?" or "ok, cats or dogs?" best fits your actual interests.

hang in there; if girlfriend likes you, her friends probably want to too.
onward, ho!
posted by acm at 10:39 AM on May 18, 2012

What did you talk about when you met your girlfriend?
Do you think maybe her friends might like to talk about that stuff, too?
Don't think of this as going up in front of an interview panel - think that you get to spend an evening with people who someone you think is cool (your GF) has already vetted as being great people to spend an evening with.

Chances are good that it's not just "let's all meet at B's house so we can grill A's boyfriend!" but that there's some "thing" going on. There's your host B, who's presumably making dinner, or snacks, or drinks, or planning a movie... something's going to happen. Then you've automatically got something to talk about ("my, what delicious ____!") and maybe even something to do ("Hey, B, can I help you with that?")
If your girl says there are no plans, maybe you could make some. For example, bring some chips, lime, salsa, and avocados, and you can distract the group by making them homemade guacamole. Or ingredients for a cocktail. Or an iTunes mix. Whatever you honestly like and might enjoy sharing with new friends.
posted by aimedwander at 10:39 AM on May 18, 2012

I got this information from a Men's Health article:
-Be kind, but act natural about your gestures-do things like opening the door for her friends, replenishing drinks, offering to buy her friends drinks or whatever
-Try to include her friends by suggesting that they come along to some type of event in the near future
-If you don't like what your SO says around her friends then take her aside and tell her what's bothering you, but don't be moody about it
-Keep your girlfriend's comments to yourself when the time comes to meet her friends
-You could ask questions like what are your favourite hobbies/what do you enjoy doing

-Oh, and read this question which was asked on askme last year. There's a lot of helpful advice!

Remember: your SO thinks you are special enough to introduce you to her friends. Talk to your girlfriend if you are nervous.
posted by livinglearning at 10:46 AM on May 18, 2012

Where's the best place you've ever been on vacation?

How'd you meet your bf/gf?

If you live in Nashville: Where do you go to church?

If you're realtively sure that everyone went to college, you could ask about their school.

Again, if in the south, talk college football.

You could lie and say you're thinking about getting a new car and ask them about theirs.

I bring Tarot cards and read them. THAT'S and interesting evening.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 10:48 AM on May 18, 2012

Re I would find something like that weird and offputting. YMMV, OP. Absolutely conceded. You've got to find your own style for it, and what works in one group of self-pretentious "new age" explorers may not work at all in another setting.

Since I tend to hang out with such people, another one that has worked for me is "What's your art?", and a follow-up to both art and work (especially since I've hung out with groups that have included product development, visual effects and real-estate folks) is "Where have I seen your work?" This has gotten me everything from "at the gallery in Point Reyes Station" to "on the shelves at Wal*Mart and Michael's" to "you know that high voltage line that crosses highway 101 between ...".
posted by straw at 11:09 AM on May 18, 2012

My best advice is to feel the fear and do it anyways- just try and push through your anxiety!

But in terms of conversations- Alec Baldwin has a new podcast called Here's the Thing and it's subtitle is following conversations to unexpected places. I think it is a pretty good representation of good conversations.

I work in a school library and in recent years (or at least they didn't teach this when I was in school) they teach this thing with reading books called text connections- there is text to self where you connect the text to something in your own life, text to text where you compare the book you are reading to another book, and text to world where you compare the text to something in the world. I think this is a great skill for kids to learn and could totally be applied to conversations, so for me a self connections would be someone tells me they just moved East from San Francisco, and I'll say I found when I was in San Francisco everyone would talk to anyone on the bus I was always surprised at strangers having conversations- here in Boston it's not like that at all- do you find that? Or a person to person connection someone will say I work in Technology, and I'll say oh my friend works in technology as a blah blah, what do you do? A world connection might be someone mentions the transit system- even something like the red line was late- I would say wow- and can you believe they are raising the fares?
posted by momochan at 11:40 AM on May 18, 2012 [1 favorite]

Generally speaking, these people like your gf and they want, really want, to like you. There are weird catty groups of people who are not like this on occasion but it is unlikely that this is the case. When I've been in a situation like this, the most important thing for me is to make sure that me and my SO are a team. That we have a plan for arriving, a plan for how to get introduced to folks [including stuff like "What if I can't remember someone's name" and "What if I need to tell you that I'm uncomfortable"] and an agreed-upon exit time and/or "time to go" sign. I'm usually pretty okay in front of strangers but every so often I freeze up. So I try to have a few things that I know I can talk about with people besides just peppering them with questions. Usually this is one local thing "Hey the farmer's market is opening which is cool because of bla bla bla" one pop culture thing "How about Game of Thrones?" and/or one social thing "So you and my girlfriend both work at that big building downtown, are there good places to get lunch around there, I've been meaning to meet her for lunch one day" or whatever.

I find that I rarely need to refer to whatever crib notes I have in my brain, but I like having them so that I feel prepared. Other general advice is to try to be positive and non-judgmental [everyone's meeting everyone, try to make it go smoothly] and try to not get too drunk, too tired, too hungry, whatever situation you can't be your best at. If you feel like you make a good connection with someone there, branch out into other stuff like how they and their SO met, mutual hobbies/interests [you like the same books, movies, music, outdoor activities? Do you go to the same gym, library, restaurant, dog park, day care?] find ways to make small connections and generally be upbeat and positive without being chirpy. So even if you, for example, really like the library and people there are like "Oh I never go the library" [to pick an example from my life] you can easily be like "Oh it's neat, they have this cool reading room with all these fun old books. Where do you go to find stuff to read" as opposed to some conversation killer like "Huh" or "Really, that seems weird, the library is great" so think about ways to keep a good conversation flowing forward and if not, a decent way to extricate yourself "I have to go check on my gf" or "I am going tog et another drink" in case you're in a situation where the conversation isn't flowing.

So, remember, they want to meet you and they want to like you no matter what you are like. Approach this as a team situation with your gf and hopefully you will meet some neat new people.
posted by jessamyn at 12:08 PM on May 18, 2012 [1 favorite]

The question that turns a stranger into a friend instantly: "How was your day?"

(Somehow, it provokes a completely different response than "How are you?")
posted by thejoshu at 12:16 PM on May 18, 2012 [6 favorites]

I was told this trick by somebody more than a decade ago and I swear by it. It's called "Really? Wow." No matter what somebody tells you about themselves, you can use "really? wow" as a template to expand the conversation - "I'm an artist," "Really? wow, what sort of art do you do?"; "I work in real estate." "Really? Wow, what do you think about the housing market right now." Or whatever. The trick is to genuinely engage with whatever they are telling you about themselves that interests you. (And to say "really?" like "oh that's cool" not like you're questioning whether or not they are lying to you.)

Normal people just know how to do this, but as an extreme introvert I had to learn it as an acquired skill. People can't tell the difference by now.
posted by joannemerriam at 2:17 PM on May 18, 2012 [1 favorite]

I just wanted to say that it's totally okay to be your own shy/introverted/quiet self (or whatever you may call it). I know how it is and if the friends are as cool as your girlfriend, they'll be accepting. It's good to be interested, friendly, engaged (you don't want to be sitting on the couch alone texting). It's even endearing to be nervous.

Think of what you like to talk about with your girlfriend. Chances are they're all into similar stuff, whatever it is--tv shows, music, Jon Stewart, rock climbing, weird cat videos, whatever. If you're feeling nervous, I find that it's good just to be interested in what the topic is and ask "what's that like?". If for instance, someone mentions Cancun, you can say "oh, I've never been...what's it like?" Game of Thrones: "I've never seen it but I've heard of it. What's the story?" Rollerderby: "what's that like? or how did you get into that?" And if you can, connect the topic to your own experience like: "Oh we didn't go to Cancun but just south of there is a good snorkelling spot...saw some gigantic rays....yada yada."
posted by biscuits at 6:00 PM on May 18, 2012

Ask the host if they need help with cooking,etc. Ask people how long they have lived in their city. What are their plans for the weekend. What are their plans this summer. Do they go to the farmers market. Conversation will flow. They want to like you. They want you to like them. Remember that :)
posted by manicure12 at 12:28 PM on May 19, 2012

Is the group really specifically planning to get together to meet you, or is the main focus of the evening really a group of friends hanging out and doing what they normally do? I'd guess that these are people who like spending time together, and in my experience it's totally fine for people's significant others to be quieter as long as they're reasonably engaged in what's going on, so I definitely wouldn't expect to have to play master of ceremonies or anything.

If you are worried about being in the center ring, you could bring a deck of cards or a game so you can all do something together. That way you'll naturally have things to talk about, and you won't have people sitting around staring at you all evening.

I'm also nthing the posters above who said that if they're really that interested in you, they'll probably have a million questions, so you probably won't have to make conversation at all, other than answering questions!
posted by solipsism at 5:56 PM on May 20, 2012