He doesn't love me, and almost certainly never will.
April 29, 2012 9:56 AM Subscribe
I'm falling in love with my boyfriend, but he doesn't think he'll fall in love with me. Should I end it?
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (58 answers total) 8 users marked this as a favorite
Shortly (not even a month) before he asked me out, his fiancee left him (they had not been together very long at all--a year, year and a half tops). It took us awhile to actually set up a date, but it was still very soon.
He is also significantly older than I am. These two factors made me uneasy, but friends counseled me to look past it.
It's been 5-ish months since we started dating, and I'm head over heels for him. I am definitely falling in love. We recently had the "where are we?" talk, and he's stated that he's "having fun" but he doesn't see it lasting more than a year, "but we'll stay friends, I think." (We're both good at staying friends with exes). He doesn't feel the same rush of infatuation with me as he did with his ex-fiancee, he doesn't see us lasting in a long-term relationship, he's still wounded, etc. etc.
I'm devastated but kept it to myself because I wanted to consider my options (he made the 'mistake' of staying with someone who loved him but he didn't love her once before, so I didn't want to force a decision right there and then by saying that I love him). He has no idea that I'm in love with him, but unless he was blind he probably noticed me tearing up during the talk.
Complicating matters, he's at a significant point, career-wise, if he wanted to move to the (very distant) tech center, and an immediate family member was recently diagnosed with cancer (also far away). He has nothing much tying him to this country, let alone city.
-Totally unequal level of affection/commitment
-He needs time to heal from his breakup
-Things are rough for him, generally, so he won't suddenly feel a surge of emotion for me
-He is very good for me and brings out the best in me.
-(when I don't think about 'love') he makes me astonishingly happy and calm. He's the only thing bringing down my stress levels these days.
-The amount of happiness he brings me might make the "he doesn't love me" pain worth it.
-I have some unique physical hurdles that he has been astonishingly patient with, and that is very hard to find. He makes me feel almost normal, even.
-He is very affectionate (why I thought we might be on the same level, emotionally) and incredibly sweet.
-He just started getting treatment for depression.
-Things are rough for him, generally, so I should be there
Do I tough it out for the good and make the best of it all, do I tough it out so I can be there for him, or do I lose the person who makes me the happiest?
I'm so deeply confused about what to do. I'm devastated but I don't want to dump someone because I love them (or am coming to love them, or what-the-fuck-ever).
This isn't "should I wait it out and hope he comes to love me." This is "should I make the best of whatever time he thinks we have, or cut my losses and cry my heart out for the rest of the summer, thinking of what could have been?"