How do I break up with someone for the second time?
April 23, 2012 11:31 AM Subscribe
How do I break up with someone over phone or email who is severely depressed? I have already tried to break up with this person once.
More details inside.
I've been dating this person for a few months, but we met six months ago via a mutual friend. In January, my work situation changed so I decided to go stay with him for a few months. I spent about 6 weeks total with him, and cohabitation was a disaster for the most part.
It became very clear, at least to me, that we were not meant to be stay together for a long time. I became more and more frustrated with the whole situation. About two weeks before I was set to return to my hometown, I broke up with him. While he acknowledged what I said, nothing changed after we had "the talk."
I have (fairly well-controlled) bipolar disorder and the stress of being in the situation set off my first hypomanic episode in about six months. It was awful. I was completely on edge from it.
I didn't leave right then and there due to money, and I probably should have, but I didn't. Finally, I returned home. In the month I've been back, I've gotten a job, moved out of my old place, and am starting a great new direction in my life.
He has become progressively more depressed as time has gone on, a downward spiral which started when I was up there and part of the reason I began to grow restless (sleeping all day, binge eating, video game addiction, compulsive pot smoking, etc). And now, since being back, we talk a bit every day, but it's all very mundane stuff. The spark is gone and the relationship is all but dead. I want to officially end it but I hate to do this to someone in his position.
B/c I have bipolar, I have also had similar crushing bouts with depression and I know what this feels like, and I feel so horribly guilty. One of our differences is also that I am pretty ambitious and committed to making something out of myself, so even when I have a nervous breakdown and take a few months off of life, I pretty much always find something new to do when it is over. A benefit of hypomania, I suppose.
Anyway, I could really use some advice here because I feel like a horrible person. My anon email is swaghagdelight@gmail.com
I've been dating this person for a few months, but we met six months ago via a mutual friend. In January, my work situation changed so I decided to go stay with him for a few months. I spent about 6 weeks total with him, and cohabitation was a disaster for the most part.
It became very clear, at least to me, that we were not meant to be stay together for a long time. I became more and more frustrated with the whole situation. About two weeks before I was set to return to my hometown, I broke up with him. While he acknowledged what I said, nothing changed after we had "the talk."
I have (fairly well-controlled) bipolar disorder and the stress of being in the situation set off my first hypomanic episode in about six months. It was awful. I was completely on edge from it.
I didn't leave right then and there due to money, and I probably should have, but I didn't. Finally, I returned home. In the month I've been back, I've gotten a job, moved out of my old place, and am starting a great new direction in my life.
He has become progressively more depressed as time has gone on, a downward spiral which started when I was up there and part of the reason I began to grow restless (sleeping all day, binge eating, video game addiction, compulsive pot smoking, etc). And now, since being back, we talk a bit every day, but it's all very mundane stuff. The spark is gone and the relationship is all but dead. I want to officially end it but I hate to do this to someone in his position.
B/c I have bipolar, I have also had similar crushing bouts with depression and I know what this feels like, and I feel so horribly guilty. One of our differences is also that I am pretty ambitious and committed to making something out of myself, so even when I have a nervous breakdown and take a few months off of life, I pretty much always find something new to do when it is over. A benefit of hypomania, I suppose.
Anyway, I could really use some advice here because I feel like a horrible person. My anon email is swaghagdelight@gmail.com
Seconding what Sidhedevil said. You're not a horrible person, relationships end when they're not working. For a relationship to be working it has to be working for both people and it clearly wasn't working for you. Tell him that since you two are broken up you need your space and time apart and then go your separate ways (no phone, no email -- for at least 6 months).
posted by blue_bicycle at 11:37 AM on April 23, 2012 [2 favorites]
posted by blue_bicycle at 11:37 AM on April 23, 2012 [2 favorites]
B/c I have bipolar, I have also had similar crushing bouts with depression and I know what this feels like, and I feel so horribly guilty. One of our differences is also that I am pretty ambitious and committed to making something out of myself, so even when I have a nervous breakdown and take a few months off of life, I pretty much always find something new to do when it is over. A benefit of hypomania, I suppose.
Then you should also know that if wants to pull himself up by his bootstraps and improve himself, he can only do it from within.
He will do what he is going to do, whether you feel guilty or not.
posted by Melismata at 11:38 AM on April 23, 2012 [1 favorite]
Then you should also know that if wants to pull himself up by his bootstraps and improve himself, he can only do it from within.
He will do what he is going to do, whether you feel guilty or not.
posted by Melismata at 11:38 AM on April 23, 2012 [1 favorite]
If he senses that he can use your guilt to drag this out at least a little longer, then he'll have no incentive to let go, or improve himself, or change anything about this situation.
posted by hermitosis at 11:41 AM on April 23, 2012 [6 favorites]
posted by hermitosis at 11:41 AM on April 23, 2012 [6 favorites]
You're not a horrible person at all. You want to break up with someone because he doesn't add to your life. That's just reality. You have to take care of you. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that.
Good luck.
posted by inturnaround at 11:45 AM on April 23, 2012 [1 favorite]
Good luck.
posted by inturnaround at 11:45 AM on April 23, 2012 [1 favorite]
I don't see any mention of him seeking medical help. If he can't practise self-care he should not expect you to care for him. You already broke up with him once, but it sounds like you slid back into a relationship just by being in contact. Stop the contact, it isn't healthy for you because you are having a hard time enforcing boundaries and it isn't fair to him to pretend you hav ea relationship when you really don't want one. Keep taking good care of yourself; yo ucan look him up a year from now and see how he is doing.
posted by saucysault at 11:53 AM on April 23, 2012
posted by saucysault at 11:53 AM on April 23, 2012
The spark is gone and the relationship is all but dead. I want to officially end it but I hate to do this to someone in his position.
Okay, let's say you don't end it, and you stay with him out of sheer pity for his mental state. You end up in a situation where you're either lying to this guy on a daily basis because he still think you're in love with him, or he's a guy who is totally cool with having a relationship based on pity, which says nothing good about his capability as an equal partner.
posted by griphus at 11:54 AM on April 23, 2012 [3 favorites]
Okay, let's say you don't end it, and you stay with him out of sheer pity for his mental state. You end up in a situation where you're either lying to this guy on a daily basis because he still think you're in love with him, or he's a guy who is totally cool with having a relationship based on pity, which says nothing good about his capability as an equal partner.
posted by griphus at 11:54 AM on April 23, 2012 [3 favorites]
Just do it. You aren't responsible for his well-being.
posted by empath at 11:56 AM on April 23, 2012
posted by empath at 11:56 AM on April 23, 2012
I can't save you from you, but I can save me from you.
posted by Debaser626 at 12:41 PM on April 23, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by Debaser626 at 12:41 PM on April 23, 2012 [1 favorite]
There's been a few similar questions with this theme recently. If nothing else, take comfort in the fact that you are not alone. Many people have broken up with someone, or had someone break up with them, without it being as clean and easy as one would like. The important thing is to remember you are doing what is better for both of you in the long term. It's hard, but people do heal and move on.
posted by griselda at 12:41 PM on April 23, 2012
posted by griselda at 12:41 PM on April 23, 2012
Fee Phi Faux Phumb I Smell t'Socks o' a Puppetman! gave some of the best advice on the topic that I have ever read in another thread.
posted by a humble nudibranch at 12:49 PM on April 23, 2012
posted by a humble nudibranch at 12:49 PM on April 23, 2012
You end up in a situation where you're either lying to this guy on a daily basis because he still think you're in love with him, or he's a guy who is totally cool with having a relationship based on pity, which says nothing good about his capability as an equal partner.
What Griphus said. You don't do an adult any favors by staying with them out of pity and guilt. Your BF is not your child, your charity, or your fixer-upper. You are not his lifeline. You aren't going to do him any favors by staying with him if you wouldn't if he weren't ill.
The help your BF needs is from a medical professional, not a girlfriend who feels like she needs to stay with him out of pity and guilt. Pity and guilt is nothing to base a relationship on, and will eventually poison any relationship (friendship or romantic) you might have with him. Break up with him kindly yet firmly, and don't be guilted into staying if you don't want to.
posted by Rosie M. Banks at 12:57 PM on April 23, 2012 [1 favorite]
What Griphus said. You don't do an adult any favors by staying with them out of pity and guilt. Your BF is not your child, your charity, or your fixer-upper. You are not his lifeline. You aren't going to do him any favors by staying with him if you wouldn't if he weren't ill.
The help your BF needs is from a medical professional, not a girlfriend who feels like she needs to stay with him out of pity and guilt. Pity and guilt is nothing to base a relationship on, and will eventually poison any relationship (friendship or romantic) you might have with him. Break up with him kindly yet firmly, and don't be guilted into staying if you don't want to.
posted by Rosie M. Banks at 12:57 PM on April 23, 2012 [1 favorite]
You need to stop talking to him, and move on with your life completely. Call him; remind him that you've broken up, and while you've wanted to stay friends, you're moving on with your life and you hate watching him failing to do the same, so you're going to let him go completely so that you won't be holding him back any more.
If he says "you're not holding me back!" then say "well, something is holding you back. If it isn't me, then you need to figure out what it is, and fix it. I really hope you succeed, but I need to move on. Good luck." And leave it at that.
posted by davejay at 2:41 PM on April 23, 2012 [1 favorite]
If he says "you're not holding me back!" then say "well, something is holding you back. If it isn't me, then you need to figure out what it is, and fix it. I really hope you succeed, but I need to move on. Good luck." And leave it at that.
posted by davejay at 2:41 PM on April 23, 2012 [1 favorite]
I would like to shake you (in a friendly way) and say - what do you think staying in this "relationship" with him is going to achieve? Your presence in his life has not so far had any power to prevent him feeling depressed, sleeping all day, binge eating, smoking pot and playing video games, has it? Even when you were living with him.
His depression is not in any way your fault, or your responsibility.
In all likelihood, he will feel mildly bummed when he can't call you and have a desultory conversation about his day, but he can fill that half an hour with another spliff or game level.
I have also been through periods of bad depression, if you need another voice to tell you what you already know - change is only going to come from himself, you can't cure his depression by giving up a chunk of your own mental health and happiness.
posted by Catch at 3:06 PM on April 23, 2012 [1 favorite]
His depression is not in any way your fault, or your responsibility.
In all likelihood, he will feel mildly bummed when he can't call you and have a desultory conversation about his day, but he can fill that half an hour with another spliff or game level.
I have also been through periods of bad depression, if you need another voice to tell you what you already know - change is only going to come from himself, you can't cure his depression by giving up a chunk of your own mental health and happiness.
posted by Catch at 3:06 PM on April 23, 2012 [1 favorite]
Is this actually a question about how to end it? What happened when you had the talk before and it didn't stick? Really, it's just a question of not leaving it up for debate and ripping the band-aid off -- but if you can explain what happened, it might help pinpoint what what wrong.
If you're looking for permission to end it, you have mine. Staying in a lousy relationship that you don't want does no favors to either of you.
posted by J. Wilson at 3:52 PM on April 23, 2012
If you're looking for permission to end it, you have mine. Staying in a lousy relationship that you don't want does no favors to either of you.
posted by J. Wilson at 3:52 PM on April 23, 2012
This thread is closed to new comments.
Don't feel like a horrible person for taking care of yourself. You know how they say on the plane to put the oxygen mask on your own face first before helping others? That advice goes for emotional self-care, too.
You've already made a huge change in the relationship by returning to your hometown. You've already told him you want to break up. Reaffirming that via phone isn't "being a horrible person."
posted by Sidhedevil at 11:33 AM on April 23, 2012 [6 favorites]