break up or not?
April 22, 2012 6:40 PM Subscribe
Should I work harder for my relationship or is it beyond saving at this point? I don't know if I'm sacrificing too much for something that will never work.
posted by lleguana to Human Relations (49 answers total) 2 users marked this as a favorite
I've been suffering from anxiety and neurosis for about a year now and I just recently started to think if my problems are caused (or worsened) byt my unhealthy relationship. I just don't know if I'm not trying enough or trying too much at this point.
We've been together with my boyfriend for about 4 years now, 3 of those in a live-in relationship. He is my first relationship (I met him when I turned 18) and I believe I'm his as well, at least a first serious one. He's a year older than me and he'll graduate from bussiness studies this spring. I work but I'm planning to go back to school when I have some money gathered.
The first year into our relationship was lovely, and we fought barely ever. We only saw each others on weekends though. I think the first sign of something's-wrong was when we had just moved in together after being a couple for a year that I started having health issues that affected our sex life really badly. Before that everything had gone great but bad UTIs and other things were putting me off and he just didn't get it. He still hasn't. He's still blaming me for not wanting him as soon as I "got what I wanted" and he moved in with me. Once when we were fighting over it he said I was faking all my health issues so that I didn't have to have sex with him. Ouch. And Yeah, RIGHT. Like I would eat 23 differet antibiotics and spend my income on doctor visits just for laughs.
Some time went by and while the sex-issue stayed the same, he started accusing me of spending money and not having any clue of financials. He's a saving type and I'm (I'll admit it) a spending type, and yes, I don't see a problem of eating a little less fancy foods one month so I can get a bag of my dreams, BUT I've never had ANY debt, I didn't even own a credit card, my bank account always has at least a small amount of money before the next paycheck, and I've never asked money from him. He just thinks we should both just, well, save. I don't even know how many times I've come home and hid a shopping bag just so that he wouldn't immedietly start accusing me of spending all our money into something stupid like clothes or cosmetics. I've even tried calling him when I go shopping and see something I like if it's okay that I buy it, and he just tells me to go for it if I really want it or need it, but accuses me of spending anyway when I come home. He pays our rent and I pay most of the food and bills as we've agreed.
Regarding of those issues things were still pretty great and after two years being a couple I proposed to him. Well, he turned me down. First the reason was that his parents didn't approve, when that came out untrue he said he wants to wait till we're ready to get married instantly after. I've proposed a couple of times last year as well, and then the reason for rejection was that he wants to do it himself. "I don't want to be the man that can't even propose, I will do it when it feels right for me." He even insisted that he wants to do it his way after I said I don't need or even want a big movie proposal and him on his knees for it to feel good.
He's very controllive sometimes. He gets embarrased by some things I say and gets mad at me for "making us both look bad". I'm into piercings (I have 2 besides my ears) and haven't gotten any more because after I got my tongue pierced he didn't talk to me for 2 days cause he doesn't like any body modification. He's said that if I got any facial piercing he didn't know if he could still be with me. If he thinks we should do something his way it often means my way being the wrong way of doing it. He argues by accusing me of things, whereas I try to argument and reason my point. I feel like I have to defend myself in everything.
I think we mostly still fight about sex (he thinks we have too little and I agree, but with my health and all this fighting I'm barely in the mood... and he's just blaiming me for not wanting him anymore) and household chores. Our arguments are almost daily.
Am I just being too sensitive or is he being slightly abusive? I think I'm generally more laid back -type of person and he's a little uptight. We've talked about this several times and whenever we have a conversation he makes me feel like I should do more and try harder for us and our household, but then again when I think about it to myself (like now writing this) I just feel like I would have to change my whole personality to fit his dream-wife picture. There are also issues like he's religious and I'm an atheist, he's very old fashioned (like the engagement -thing) and I'm a liberal. He's from a picture perfect happy family and my background is totally different.
On our good days he's wonderful. We laugh, we talk about music, tv, politics, we kiss and cuddle and I just love him. He's supportive of my anxiety and has never been physically even threatening. He's smart and motivated and my parents love him. But I'm still constantly afraid of the next fight and that I'll say something wrong or do something the way he doesn't like and I'll have to explain or defend myself. I've started to think that my neurosises have popped up because I'm constantly critisized but I don't know if I have myself to blame for that or not. Should I just look into the mirror and work harder? Stay or leave?
At this point I don't even know if I want to get married to him anymore...
Thanks for your advice! I really need it.