First breakup woes.
April 1, 2012 9:55 AM Subscribe
My boyfriend of two years just broke up with me. I've cried my guts out, now I just feel numb. Got any advice or resources to get me through the next few days?
This is my first proper breakup (I'm 24), and man, it really sucks. Uni's out for two weeks which leaves me with not many friends I can talk to face-to-face (they're mostly interstate right now) but lots of time to wallow and do whatever the hell you do when you get broken up with.
I've been scouring the internet for stuff to read but a lot of it is along the lines of 'yeah, you're better than that guy, he was an asshole to leave you!' etc. Fair enough for some, but we were friends for a long time before we got together, and we're in the same course at uni and live in a sharehouse together (with two other people), so I'm still going to see him a lot and most likely will end up being friends with him again at some stage, whenever all of this turmoil is over and I feel like I can be around him without wanting him to put his arms around me... agh. The breakup came pretty suddenly and was a huge, horrible shock, but I can see his side of it - although we were (are!) both enormously in love, we weren't really compatible enough to spend our whole lives together. The breakup was sort of inevitable. Still, I was so happy and comfortable and everything was just nice, and now it's crap. So yeah, I'm looking for stuff that talks about breakups in a more mature way than 'He's a jerk! Don't text him!'. He lives in the next room, so I'm going to have to deal with that regardless.
Ex-boyfriend has also offered to do whatever will make this week easier for me in terms of being around or not being around, doing platonic things (we had plans to meet up with a close friend and see some comedy together) or not doing those things etc.
So... advice for a first-time dumpee? Particularly things to do in the first few hours/days?
This is my first proper breakup (I'm 24), and man, it really sucks. Uni's out for two weeks which leaves me with not many friends I can talk to face-to-face (they're mostly interstate right now) but lots of time to wallow and do whatever the hell you do when you get broken up with.
I've been scouring the internet for stuff to read but a lot of it is along the lines of 'yeah, you're better than that guy, he was an asshole to leave you!' etc. Fair enough for some, but we were friends for a long time before we got together, and we're in the same course at uni and live in a sharehouse together (with two other people), so I'm still going to see him a lot and most likely will end up being friends with him again at some stage, whenever all of this turmoil is over and I feel like I can be around him without wanting him to put his arms around me... agh. The breakup came pretty suddenly and was a huge, horrible shock, but I can see his side of it - although we were (are!) both enormously in love, we weren't really compatible enough to spend our whole lives together. The breakup was sort of inevitable. Still, I was so happy and comfortable and everything was just nice, and now it's crap. So yeah, I'm looking for stuff that talks about breakups in a more mature way than 'He's a jerk! Don't text him!'. He lives in the next room, so I'm going to have to deal with that regardless.
Ex-boyfriend has also offered to do whatever will make this week easier for me in terms of being around or not being around, doing platonic things (we had plans to meet up with a close friend and see some comedy together) or not doing those things etc.
So... advice for a first-time dumpee? Particularly things to do in the first few hours/days?
Disconnect all modes of contact from him and go be yourself. Quietly. Cry when necessary but don't dwell on it. Forget about him. Ask a friend for company if you feel like it, otherwise go for walks, go to parts of town you've not been to before, go to the library, go remind yourself of the size and scope of the big, beautiful world you are in.
posted by ead at 10:07 AM on April 1, 2012 [3 favorites]
posted by ead at 10:07 AM on April 1, 2012 [3 favorites]
I'm really sorry to hear this, lovedbymaryjane. It sucks. One thing I can tell you is no matter how you feel now, it'll most likely be MUCH more temporary than you think.
In the first few hours and days, I would recommend keeping as busy as you can and just doing things that make you happy and remind you the world is still full of so many awesome things. For me this would be something like doing a crazy hike to a place with an amazing view, etc. I also find physical activity to help a LOT; when this happened to me when I was a little younger than you I just got on the treadmill and didn't get off for a long time.
Ex-boyfriend has also offered to do whatever will make this week easier for me in terms of being around or not being around, doing platonic things
I guess that's nice of him to offer but it's not enough, he should move out. It won't be impossible, but just that much unnecessarily harder for you to feel better when you have him in your face all the time.
It's true that no contact (or as close to it as you can muster) is best for most people but that's not because he's a "jerk". It's just very simply because a big part of what feels so awful, for a lot of people, is more than the end of the relationship itself. It's the fear and pain of change. Will my life ever be good again without this integral piece, will I ever be happy in the same way? Yes you will, and it becomes very apparent much more quickly when that "integral" piece isn't there in your face, but you are still happy and having a good life.
posted by cairdeas at 10:11 AM on April 1, 2012 [3 favorites]
In the first few hours and days, I would recommend keeping as busy as you can and just doing things that make you happy and remind you the world is still full of so many awesome things. For me this would be something like doing a crazy hike to a place with an amazing view, etc. I also find physical activity to help a LOT; when this happened to me when I was a little younger than you I just got on the treadmill and didn't get off for a long time.
Ex-boyfriend has also offered to do whatever will make this week easier for me in terms of being around or not being around, doing platonic things
I guess that's nice of him to offer but it's not enough, he should move out. It won't be impossible, but just that much unnecessarily harder for you to feel better when you have him in your face all the time.
It's true that no contact (or as close to it as you can muster) is best for most people but that's not because he's a "jerk". It's just very simply because a big part of what feels so awful, for a lot of people, is more than the end of the relationship itself. It's the fear and pain of change. Will my life ever be good again without this integral piece, will I ever be happy in the same way? Yes you will, and it becomes very apparent much more quickly when that "integral" piece isn't there in your face, but you are still happy and having a good life.
posted by cairdeas at 10:11 AM on April 1, 2012 [3 favorites]
I agree with supercres. If you're lucky, then living in shared quarters will be fine, not so lucky completely weird- and if extremely unlucky you'll stay stuck on him because you'll end up sleeping with him every once in a while and uncomfortable when he brings new chicks home into your space 2 seconds later. Just my 2 cents on the big picture... And I would drink some wine this evening.
The following is an excerpt of a post I knicked years ago off some forum and I've sent it MANY times to some very sad women... and read it many times myself- I think it might help, its beautiful:
I can turn on a dime, emotionally, and this is how I do it: I recognize that the man I loved was partly himself, and partly the product of our interaction together. Just as the woman I was with him was partly me, and partly us. If there's no us, and all that is necessary is for me to heal myself of what was torn away. Strangely, I've met men who want me to be in pain after they leave me, and they actually call me up, trying to "stir the pot" and see what tasty bits of agony might float up to the surface of my soul for their consumption -- "Oh, I miss you so much, I was so happy with you, you were so wonderful," they want to hear. No. I talk to them about my job, their job, the weather, our cat, the car. I don't know them; what else is there to talk about? Usually, after awhile of this, they ask me if they can come back, and I say no. What a ridiculous idea.
Join a gym, or start walking or running (if you choose to do something outdoorsy, wear sunblock). This has nothing to do with vanity; there are emotional places that you can't reach without some kind of physical effort; the body needs to grieve as well as the mind. This is the single most helpful thing you can do for yourself, in terms of coping with the grief.
Change your wardrobe. Throw out anything old, faded, "comfortable." Wear the clothes you've always wanted to wear, the clothes that were too pretty, too chic, too noticeable. I think one of the smartest things I did this year was to toss out half the clothes I owned; literally half (stuff my sister "handed down," stuff that was old, stuff that was out of style). Get your hair cut, or if it's short now, grow it out. Get your makeup done by a professional. Own two lipsticks; one red, one very pale. Get whatever needs waxing waxed, and get a French manicure while you're at it. It's hard to fall into despair when this gorgeous creature is staring back at you from the mirror everyday.
Clean your apartment, your house, your cardboard box; whatever your domicile happens to be. Buy yourself new sheets, and roses, and candles that smell like the ocean. Put a few drops of your favourite essential oil, and a tablespoon of sweet almond oil into a cup or so of epsom salts to make bath salts, and store it in a mason jar in the bathroom. Take warm baths and cry when you want to cry.
Let yourself fall into your grief entirely, but only when you're alone, or with a couple of really good friends you can recruit to help you through this period (they should be close along the lines of blood brothers, and they should come to your house armed with copious amounts of alcohol and war stories of their own to tell). Cook, drink, cry, laugh, and make up the spare bed for them.
When you're out in public, look fabulous, and focus on the people around you and the things you're doing. The key word here is focus: You might find you've been concentrating on him for so long, it's a shock to actually have time to focus on yourself, and to have the freedom to be able to build your life in any direction you want, with any people you want. Use the old friends and the new ones to knit together a life that covers the empty place he left.
Travel. Take yourself away for a weekend; I recommend trail riding. Banff is wonderful at this time of year, or if you prefer warmer climates, Costa Rica has the same thing. I had a great time on a cattle ranch out there.
Stop waiting. Give yourself the life you want. Take all that love you had for him and use it to create a new world around yourself.
I'm sorry you lost the man you loved, but he didn't actually go anywhere. The only place he actually exists now is in your heart. The point now is not to wait for anything, but to let the grief carry you forward, the anger carry you forward, and finally, your own strength and love of life.
posted by misspony at 10:12 AM on April 1, 2012 [97 favorites]
The following is an excerpt of a post I knicked years ago off some forum and I've sent it MANY times to some very sad women... and read it many times myself- I think it might help, its beautiful:
I can turn on a dime, emotionally, and this is how I do it: I recognize that the man I loved was partly himself, and partly the product of our interaction together. Just as the woman I was with him was partly me, and partly us. If there's no us, and all that is necessary is for me to heal myself of what was torn away. Strangely, I've met men who want me to be in pain after they leave me, and they actually call me up, trying to "stir the pot" and see what tasty bits of agony might float up to the surface of my soul for their consumption -- "Oh, I miss you so much, I was so happy with you, you were so wonderful," they want to hear. No. I talk to them about my job, their job, the weather, our cat, the car. I don't know them; what else is there to talk about? Usually, after awhile of this, they ask me if they can come back, and I say no. What a ridiculous idea.
Join a gym, or start walking or running (if you choose to do something outdoorsy, wear sunblock). This has nothing to do with vanity; there are emotional places that you can't reach without some kind of physical effort; the body needs to grieve as well as the mind. This is the single most helpful thing you can do for yourself, in terms of coping with the grief.
Change your wardrobe. Throw out anything old, faded, "comfortable." Wear the clothes you've always wanted to wear, the clothes that were too pretty, too chic, too noticeable. I think one of the smartest things I did this year was to toss out half the clothes I owned; literally half (stuff my sister "handed down," stuff that was old, stuff that was out of style). Get your hair cut, or if it's short now, grow it out. Get your makeup done by a professional. Own two lipsticks; one red, one very pale. Get whatever needs waxing waxed, and get a French manicure while you're at it. It's hard to fall into despair when this gorgeous creature is staring back at you from the mirror everyday.
Clean your apartment, your house, your cardboard box; whatever your domicile happens to be. Buy yourself new sheets, and roses, and candles that smell like the ocean. Put a few drops of your favourite essential oil, and a tablespoon of sweet almond oil into a cup or so of epsom salts to make bath salts, and store it in a mason jar in the bathroom. Take warm baths and cry when you want to cry.
Let yourself fall into your grief entirely, but only when you're alone, or with a couple of really good friends you can recruit to help you through this period (they should be close along the lines of blood brothers, and they should come to your house armed with copious amounts of alcohol and war stories of their own to tell). Cook, drink, cry, laugh, and make up the spare bed for them.
When you're out in public, look fabulous, and focus on the people around you and the things you're doing. The key word here is focus: You might find you've been concentrating on him for so long, it's a shock to actually have time to focus on yourself, and to have the freedom to be able to build your life in any direction you want, with any people you want. Use the old friends and the new ones to knit together a life that covers the empty place he left.
Travel. Take yourself away for a weekend; I recommend trail riding. Banff is wonderful at this time of year, or if you prefer warmer climates, Costa Rica has the same thing. I had a great time on a cattle ranch out there.
Stop waiting. Give yourself the life you want. Take all that love you had for him and use it to create a new world around yourself.
I'm sorry you lost the man you loved, but he didn't actually go anywhere. The only place he actually exists now is in your heart. The point now is not to wait for anything, but to let the grief carry you forward, the anger carry you forward, and finally, your own strength and love of life.
posted by misspony at 10:12 AM on April 1, 2012 [97 favorites]
Man, I have talked about this in other threads, but let me emphasize the importance of:
(1) No contact
(2) Seriously no contact
(3) Yes he's your friend and you're both mature adults but NO CONTACT
(4) Move out
My first break-up was at your age, in a relationship slightly longer than yours, where all of our friends and hobbies were mutual and we lived together. I learned the hard way that imagining because we were friends before we got together, we were rational and mature, and our friendship was so awesome and special we could totally keep talking and be supportive and handle it gracefully. It got really bad really fast and despite it now being a bit longer after our break-up than the length of the initial relationship resentment and bad feelings from this post-break-up period prevent either of us from speaking with one another. Seriously, right now that you're in pain there is nobody you want more than him, because he's been your rock and your emotional support. And it sounds like he wants to be there because he's a good guy and that's what he's used to doing. Resist this.
This isn't about being "immature". This is because it is essential you two move on with your lives, figure out who you are without the other person, develop new friendships and new romantic relationships. And no matter how much intellectualizing and logicking you do that is not possible when your immediate ex is in the next room, and it sure as hell won't be possible after only a week.
The equivalent is trying to become a truly independent adult while living in your parents' basement your whole life. Possible in theory. In practice is another story.
posted by Anonymous at 10:15 AM on April 1, 2012
(1) No contact
(2) Seriously no contact
(3) Yes he's your friend and you're both mature adults but NO CONTACT
(4) Move out
My first break-up was at your age, in a relationship slightly longer than yours, where all of our friends and hobbies were mutual and we lived together. I learned the hard way that imagining because we were friends before we got together, we were rational and mature, and our friendship was so awesome and special we could totally keep talking and be supportive and handle it gracefully. It got really bad really fast and despite it now being a bit longer after our break-up than the length of the initial relationship resentment and bad feelings from this post-break-up period prevent either of us from speaking with one another. Seriously, right now that you're in pain there is nobody you want more than him, because he's been your rock and your emotional support. And it sounds like he wants to be there because he's a good guy and that's what he's used to doing. Resist this.
This isn't about being "immature". This is because it is essential you two move on with your lives, figure out who you are without the other person, develop new friendships and new romantic relationships. And no matter how much intellectualizing and logicking you do that is not possible when your immediate ex is in the next room, and it sure as hell won't be possible after only a week.
The equivalent is trying to become a truly independent adult while living in your parents' basement your whole life. Possible in theory. In practice is another story.
posted by Anonymous at 10:15 AM on April 1, 2012
This is your moment for torch songs. Dusty Springfield, Patsy Cline, Jacques Brel. Give in to the emotion of the songs and wallow. You aren't the first person to experience these emotions, and these emotions have produced tremendous beauty in the forms of song. You could also listen to this episode of This American Life about break up music.
The thing is, it's hard to wallow in front of the person who just dumped you-- it's too humiliating already. I second everyone who says you need to cut off contact for the time being. If all of your friends are out of town, can you stay at one of their places for the time being? Give yourself space to recover and lick your wounds.
posted by pickypicky at 10:19 AM on April 1, 2012 [3 favorites]
The thing is, it's hard to wallow in front of the person who just dumped you-- it's too humiliating already. I second everyone who says you need to cut off contact for the time being. If all of your friends are out of town, can you stay at one of their places for the time being? Give yourself space to recover and lick your wounds.
posted by pickypicky at 10:19 AM on April 1, 2012 [3 favorites]
One of you needs to move out ASAP. Start looking for different housing.
Uni's out for two weeks which leaves me with not many friends I can talk to face-to-face (they're mostly interstate right now) but lots of time to wallow and do whatever the hell you do when you get broken up with.
Okay, that sucks, but think of it this way: you don't have to "fake normal" in public right now, you don't have to suck it up and pay attention to classes or work. If you spontaneously break into crying right now, at least it's in your own room and not in the middle of romantic poetry class. *cough*
Is there any way you can get the hell out of there during your uni break? Visit someone, anyone? That would help. Or just go...anywhere. Or force him to go visit someone. You both need to get as far away from each other as possible.
posted by jenfullmoon at 10:21 AM on April 1, 2012 [3 favorites]
Uni's out for two weeks which leaves me with not many friends I can talk to face-to-face (they're mostly interstate right now) but lots of time to wallow and do whatever the hell you do when you get broken up with.
Okay, that sucks, but think of it this way: you don't have to "fake normal" in public right now, you don't have to suck it up and pay attention to classes or work. If you spontaneously break into crying right now, at least it's in your own room and not in the middle of romantic poetry class. *cough*
Is there any way you can get the hell out of there during your uni break? Visit someone, anyone? That would help. Or just go...anywhere. Or force him to go visit someone. You both need to get as far away from each other as possible.
posted by jenfullmoon at 10:21 AM on April 1, 2012 [3 favorites]
Sorry to hear that you're going through this. Break-ups suck.
I second no contact. This makes the entire process so much easier. Move out if you can. You will not regret this.
The one good thing about break-ups is that you'll have some time to focus upon yourself. Meditate. Exercise. Write in a journal. You might discover that there are certain aspects of your personality that have gone dormant as a result of being in this relationship. Reactivate them. Get to know yourself again.
You'll get through this. It slowly gets easier and easier, and one day you'll realize that you've gone through the entire day without even thinking about your ex-boyfriend. Soon that will stretch out to two days, then a week. And by that point your life will be crowded with friends, both old and new, a new job, a new location, and possibly even a new partner, and you won't have the time to miss him anymore, nor the inclination.
Good luck.
posted by duvatney at 10:37 AM on April 1, 2012 [1 favorite]
I second no contact. This makes the entire process so much easier. Move out if you can. You will not regret this.
The one good thing about break-ups is that you'll have some time to focus upon yourself. Meditate. Exercise. Write in a journal. You might discover that there are certain aspects of your personality that have gone dormant as a result of being in this relationship. Reactivate them. Get to know yourself again.
You'll get through this. It slowly gets easier and easier, and one day you'll realize that you've gone through the entire day without even thinking about your ex-boyfriend. Soon that will stretch out to two days, then a week. And by that point your life will be crowded with friends, both old and new, a new job, a new location, and possibly even a new partner, and you won't have the time to miss him anymore, nor the inclination.
Good luck.
posted by duvatney at 10:37 AM on April 1, 2012 [1 favorite]
A lot of great advice above. I want to add that something that was very helpful to me was, no contact and also, writing myself a letter as to why we were not compatible. Every time I felt the pain I read the letter and it helped me focus on my needs and healing through the feeling of loss. I hope this helps as much as it helped me.
posted by i_wear_boots at 10:47 AM on April 1, 2012 [10 favorites]
posted by i_wear_boots at 10:47 AM on April 1, 2012 [10 favorites]
In addition to everything above: Now's the time to do anything you've been putting off recently. Get a haircut, buy some new clothes, start that project you've been thinking about, get in touch with that old friend you've been meaning to call.
posted by no regrets, coyote at 11:00 AM on April 1, 2012
posted by no regrets, coyote at 11:00 AM on April 1, 2012
You need to get out of there, or he does. If he were really a decent person, he would move out.
posted by Danf at 11:03 AM on April 1, 2012 [2 favorites]
posted by Danf at 11:03 AM on April 1, 2012 [2 favorites]
> If he were really a decent person, he would move out.
I disagree. He did not do anything wrong; he took action about a situation that they both agree couldn't last. Moving is a tremendous hassle, and (I presume) he's not there on her sufferance—they have equal right to be there, and if he can handle their both being in the same house, he presumably thinks she can too. If she decides she can't, that's her decision and she'll have to do something about it.
I hope that doesn't come across as unsympathetic; I've been there and I know how much it hurts. But lovedbymarylane needs to focus on what she can do to help herself and not what her ex could do "if he were really a decent person." That kind of thinking isn't helpful.
posted by languagehat at 11:18 AM on April 1, 2012 [9 favorites]
I disagree. He did not do anything wrong; he took action about a situation that they both agree couldn't last. Moving is a tremendous hassle, and (I presume) he's not there on her sufferance—they have equal right to be there, and if he can handle their both being in the same house, he presumably thinks she can too. If she decides she can't, that's her decision and she'll have to do something about it.
I hope that doesn't come across as unsympathetic; I've been there and I know how much it hurts. But lovedbymarylane needs to focus on what she can do to help herself and not what her ex could do "if he were really a decent person." That kind of thinking isn't helpful.
posted by languagehat at 11:18 AM on April 1, 2012 [9 favorites]
The best break-up strategy I know is to get in the habit of going out for long walks or bike rides. Wear comfortable shoes, bring a bottle of water and maybe a snack.
posted by salvia at 11:32 AM on April 1, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by salvia at 11:32 AM on April 1, 2012 [1 favorite]
Take him up on his offer to not be around this week. Don't do those platonic things with him.
He's not a jerk for breaking up with you, and I don't think it's helpful to think of it in those terms. What he is is someone who broke up with you, and you need time and space away from him to process that (and I don't think you should think of him as still in love with you -- nor you with him, as you're in love with the him that wants to be with you). It would be wise to explore options for him or you to move out, because seeing him every day is not going to help. Neither of you is ready to move out today, but it's something to think about when you can.
Go for a long walk or long run. Go for another. Try to accept that you're going to be sad and feel like crap for a while -- don't try to fight it or think that it's a sign of weakness or anything like that.
posted by J. Wilson at 11:33 AM on April 1, 2012 [1 favorite]
He's not a jerk for breaking up with you, and I don't think it's helpful to think of it in those terms. What he is is someone who broke up with you, and you need time and space away from him to process that (and I don't think you should think of him as still in love with you -- nor you with him, as you're in love with the him that wants to be with you). It would be wise to explore options for him or you to move out, because seeing him every day is not going to help. Neither of you is ready to move out today, but it's something to think about when you can.
Go for a long walk or long run. Go for another. Try to accept that you're going to be sad and feel like crap for a while -- don't try to fight it or think that it's a sign of weakness or anything like that.
posted by J. Wilson at 11:33 AM on April 1, 2012 [1 favorite]
A helpful post-breakup book is On Love by Alain de Botton.
posted by amber_dale at 11:35 AM on April 1, 2012
posted by amber_dale at 11:35 AM on April 1, 2012
Stay busy, stay happy.
Time will do the rest. That and no contact.
posted by waterandrock at 11:42 AM on April 1, 2012 [1 favorite]
Time will do the rest. That and no contact.
posted by waterandrock at 11:42 AM on April 1, 2012 [1 favorite]
Get drunk, listen to cathartic music, cry, sleep as much as you can.... and wait.
Sorry. That's it, basically.
posted by Decani at 11:56 AM on April 1, 2012
Sorry. That's it, basically.
posted by Decani at 11:56 AM on April 1, 2012
Move out. (This is even more important than "no contact.") No contact IS important, don't get me wrong, but you know what's even more important? Not being there when he brings another girl home. No reason to put yourself through that.
Do all the things everyone has recommended re new hair, exercise, hikes, travel, time with friends. Grieve the relationship at your own pace and let time do its healing thing. You'll be fine! Hugs and health.
posted by fingersandtoes at 12:15 PM on April 1, 2012 [5 favorites]
Do all the things everyone has recommended re new hair, exercise, hikes, travel, time with friends. Grieve the relationship at your own pace and let time do its healing thing. You'll be fine! Hugs and health.
posted by fingersandtoes at 12:15 PM on April 1, 2012 [5 favorites]
Here's a very similar question I asked seven years ago (Wow. Was it really that long?). Added to which, I can certainly vouch for the fact that time does, eventually, heal. I'm sorry you're going through it, it hurts like hell. Take care *hugs*.
posted by penguin pie at 12:20 PM on April 1, 2012
posted by penguin pie at 12:20 PM on April 1, 2012
The no contact thing (as everyone has emphasized here) is really key.
As for things to do, I personally do better if I am busy. The busier the better. So if your friends aren't around then get out and do things by yourself. Go volunteer or go to a metafilter meetup or go to a meetup.com or join a hiking group or go to a church meeting (you can even go to a unitarian church if you're not religious). Just fine something every day to get out and do.
Exercise is a great way to burn off anger and keep yourself focused on something else. You might try a running club (hash house harriers) or a crossfit class or a biking group or something like that. During my first break up I was temporarily all by myself (long story there), so I would spend hours and hours running. It burned off some of the anger and sadness and helped me feel better about myself.
I know how much this sucks (I've been there, really), but just go out and be active and try to keep your mind off it and things will get so much better. My first break up took place in July (we were also together two years) and by September I felt so, so much better. Two months was really the tipping point where I could see my way through to a happy single life. I think you'll see that by June you'll be feeling a lot better.
posted by bananafish at 12:22 PM on April 1, 2012 [1 favorite]
As for things to do, I personally do better if I am busy. The busier the better. So if your friends aren't around then get out and do things by yourself. Go volunteer or go to a metafilter meetup or go to a meetup.com or join a hiking group or go to a church meeting (you can even go to a unitarian church if you're not religious). Just fine something every day to get out and do.
Exercise is a great way to burn off anger and keep yourself focused on something else. You might try a running club (hash house harriers) or a crossfit class or a biking group or something like that. During my first break up I was temporarily all by myself (long story there), so I would spend hours and hours running. It burned off some of the anger and sadness and helped me feel better about myself.
I know how much this sucks (I've been there, really), but just go out and be active and try to keep your mind off it and things will get so much better. My first break up took place in July (we were also together two years) and by September I felt so, so much better. Two months was really the tipping point where I could see my way through to a happy single life. I think you'll see that by June you'll be feeling a lot better.
posted by bananafish at 12:22 PM on April 1, 2012 [1 favorite]
Move out or ask him to move out (may as well, he might do it). Living together after you break up is crazy making.
posted by fshgrl at 12:24 PM on April 1, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by fshgrl at 12:24 PM on April 1, 2012 [1 favorite]
Don't feel the need to be sad, either. Numb is actually good. Pema Chodron's book When Things Fall Apart makes a good point on this that I attempted to explain here.
Also, there are a hundred AskMes on this topic with good advice, so you might search the archives. Here's one.
posted by salvia at 1:22 PM on April 1, 2012
Also, there are a hundred AskMes on this topic with good advice, so you might search the archives. Here's one.
posted by salvia at 1:22 PM on April 1, 2012
MOVE OUT. Thinking back on my college break-up, if I had been living with the boy at the time and we still had to live together...no. No. No no no no. I know you don't WANT to move out, but trust me: you really want to move out. First of all, you can't get over someone if you're still living with them. Second, you need your space so you can be all torn up and devastated in private and save face when you see him. Finally, and most importantly, when he brings a new girl home (and he will), it is going to SUPER SUPER SUCK. PLEASE don't put yourself in the position of having a front row seat for that. So, you should move. (I agree that if you announce that you're going to move, he may offer to do so and you should feel free to let him. I don't think he's a bad person for NOT offering to move out when y'all broke up, but I do think that it would be a kindness of him to recognize that you're having a hard time because of a choice that he made, and to make it easier by moving himself. But don't plan on that happening -- make your own plans.) In addition to moving, I recommend:
a) Exercise.
and
b) when you move into the anger stage -- which you will probably get to, although you're not there yet, and you're allowed to be mad at him without it meaning he's a bad person -- an angry mix of angry girl songs that you play really, really loud, as well as songs about how much you rock. Listen to these in the car, and when you're angrily exercising. It helps. It also helps to hang out with people you know who aren't really friends with HIM, so that you can bitch about the breakup without them feeling awkward about taking sides.
Good luck. I know this SUCKS, but you will be okay eventually.
posted by Countess Sandwich at 2:05 PM on April 1, 2012 [3 favorites]
a) Exercise.
and
b) when you move into the anger stage -- which you will probably get to, although you're not there yet, and you're allowed to be mad at him without it meaning he's a bad person -- an angry mix of angry girl songs that you play really, really loud, as well as songs about how much you rock. Listen to these in the car, and when you're angrily exercising. It helps. It also helps to hang out with people you know who aren't really friends with HIM, so that you can bitch about the breakup without them feeling awkward about taking sides.
Good luck. I know this SUCKS, but you will be okay eventually.
posted by Countess Sandwich at 2:05 PM on April 1, 2012 [3 favorites]
You've got a lot of good advice here.
If there's anything I've learned from having my heart broken (twice), it's that the most important thing you need to do, right now and every day, is be kind to yourself. Let yourself feel everything you need to feel. Be angry, be sad, be whatever. If you still aren't okay in two weeks time, that's fine. If you are, that's fine too. If you backslide and do something stupid like turn up outside his door in the middle of the night crying your heart out because it hurts too much to do anything else? That's fine. Really truly. It's not the best thing to do, but if anyone in the world turns to you and says they've never done something like that, they're a dirty liar.
But most of all, in every moment, be kind to yourself. You are the only person you need.
I don't know if you're big on poetry, but this poem has helped me a lot when I felt like you do now, especially the last few lines. If you like it, you might want to print it out or write it down somewhere where you can read it:
survival poem #17 by Marty McConnell
because this is what you do. get up.
blame the liquor for the heaviness. call in late
to work. go to the couch because the bed
is too empty. watch people scream about love
on Jerry Springer. count the ways
it could be worse. it could be last week
when the missing got so big
you wrote him a letter
and sent it. it could be yesterday, no work
to go to, whole day looming.
it could be last month
or the month before, when you still
thought maybe. still carried plans
around with you like talismans.
you could have kissed him last night.
could have gone home with him, given in,
cried after, softly, face to the wall, his heavy arm
around you, hand on your stomach, rubbing.
shower. remember your body. water
hotter than you can stand. sit
on the shower floor. the word
devastated ringing the tub. buildings
collapsed into themselves. ribs
caving toward the spine. recite
the strongest poem you know. a spell
against the lonely that gets you
in crowds and on three hours’ sleep.
wonder where the gods are now.
get up. because death is not
an alternative. because this is what you do.
air like soup, move. door, hallway, room.
pants, socks, shoes. sweater. coat. cold.
wish you were a bird. remember you
are not you, now. you are you
a year from now. how does that
woman walk? she is not sick or sad.
doesn’t even remember today.
has been to Europe. what song
is she humming? now. right now.
that’s it.
posted by fight or flight at 2:21 PM on April 1, 2012 [27 favorites]
If there's anything I've learned from having my heart broken (twice), it's that the most important thing you need to do, right now and every day, is be kind to yourself. Let yourself feel everything you need to feel. Be angry, be sad, be whatever. If you still aren't okay in two weeks time, that's fine. If you are, that's fine too. If you backslide and do something stupid like turn up outside his door in the middle of the night crying your heart out because it hurts too much to do anything else? That's fine. Really truly. It's not the best thing to do, but if anyone in the world turns to you and says they've never done something like that, they're a dirty liar.
But most of all, in every moment, be kind to yourself. You are the only person you need.
I don't know if you're big on poetry, but this poem has helped me a lot when I felt like you do now, especially the last few lines. If you like it, you might want to print it out or write it down somewhere where you can read it:
survival poem #17 by Marty McConnell
because this is what you do. get up.
blame the liquor for the heaviness. call in late
to work. go to the couch because the bed
is too empty. watch people scream about love
on Jerry Springer. count the ways
it could be worse. it could be last week
when the missing got so big
you wrote him a letter
and sent it. it could be yesterday, no work
to go to, whole day looming.
it could be last month
or the month before, when you still
thought maybe. still carried plans
around with you like talismans.
you could have kissed him last night.
could have gone home with him, given in,
cried after, softly, face to the wall, his heavy arm
around you, hand on your stomach, rubbing.
shower. remember your body. water
hotter than you can stand. sit
on the shower floor. the word
devastated ringing the tub. buildings
collapsed into themselves. ribs
caving toward the spine. recite
the strongest poem you know. a spell
against the lonely that gets you
in crowds and on three hours’ sleep.
wonder where the gods are now.
get up. because death is not
an alternative. because this is what you do.
air like soup, move. door, hallway, room.
pants, socks, shoes. sweater. coat. cold.
wish you were a bird. remember you
are not you, now. you are you
a year from now. how does that
woman walk? she is not sick or sad.
doesn’t even remember today.
has been to Europe. what song
is she humming? now. right now.
that’s it.
posted by fight or flight at 2:21 PM on April 1, 2012 [27 favorites]
Moving out is a good suggestion but I don't know feasible this would be for you. Most university students I know would be loath to have to pack up mid-semester and try and find another place. Moving is a huge hassle and can be expensive, yadda yadda yadda. I would suggest that you guys lay down some ground rules if you’re both going to stay. Like, no bringing dates over. Stuff like that.
posted by OsoMeaty at 2:24 PM on April 1, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by OsoMeaty at 2:24 PM on April 1, 2012 [1 favorite]
I would say that cutting off contact is a very, very good suggestion. I went through my first hard-hitting breakup about 4 months ago. Things ended horribly, he was not a good guy, and he blocked me from all social media... which probably felt satisfying to him simply because he was a control freak but really, it was the best thing he had ever done for me! I couldn't look at him on facebook, could not call, did not talk to him. You must stop being involved, start living your life. The life without this guy in it, because that's how it is now. It's all you, baby...
and it's not a bad thing. I would see about moving out but as mentioned before, but if that's not possible, try to keep your lives as separate as you can. Also, I threw myself into school, work, and when I found myself thinking of him I tell myself STOP. I visualize a whiteboard and an eraser and just erase his name from my mind. Sounds weird, but I do it all the time. Or if I start thinking about issues I knew about him, I would say QUIT, NOT YOUR PROBLEM ANYMORE.
Basically, if you find yourself thinking of things, "erase" them.
posted by Chelsaroo650 at 4:11 PM on April 1, 2012
and it's not a bad thing. I would see about moving out but as mentioned before, but if that's not possible, try to keep your lives as separate as you can. Also, I threw myself into school, work, and when I found myself thinking of him I tell myself STOP. I visualize a whiteboard and an eraser and just erase his name from my mind. Sounds weird, but I do it all the time. Or if I start thinking about issues I knew about him, I would say QUIT, NOT YOUR PROBLEM ANYMORE.
Basically, if you find yourself thinking of things, "erase" them.
posted by Chelsaroo650 at 4:11 PM on April 1, 2012
Response by poster: Thank you all so much for the advice - reading this thread is a huge comfort. Just thought I'd clarify about the moving situation: I'm in Australia, and the academic year begins in February. 99.9% of my classmates are locked into leases until January/February 2013, as am I. Not only can I not afford to move at the moment, but there's nobody I can really move in with, and nobody to take my room. Something might come up mid-year, but right now, it's not an option.
That's the long-term situation. As for this week, I have the option of flying home to stay with my parents for a bit or staying on a friend's couch in a nearby city. I'm leaning towards the latter, as the comedy festival is on there at the moment and it would be a good distraction from everything.
posted by lovedbymarylane at 5:38 PM on April 1, 2012
That's the long-term situation. As for this week, I have the option of flying home to stay with my parents for a bit or staying on a friend's couch in a nearby city. I'm leaning towards the latter, as the comedy festival is on there at the moment and it would be a good distraction from everything.
posted by lovedbymarylane at 5:38 PM on April 1, 2012
I think it would be an excellent idea to go and spend some time a friend and hit up that comedy festival.
The come back and have an honest conversation with your ex about how you guys are going to manage this. What are your expectations for his behavior going forward and vice versa.
posted by OsoMeaty at 7:40 PM on April 1, 2012
The come back and have an honest conversation with your ex about how you guys are going to manage this. What are your expectations for his behavior going forward and vice versa.
posted by OsoMeaty at 7:40 PM on April 1, 2012
"... whenever all of this turmoil is over and I feel like I can be around him without wanting him to put his arms around me... agh."
This, I can help with!!
First of all, if I had a dollar for every guy I had pined for after he broke up with me - ARGH!
It's not that he's a jerk (although he may be for breaking up with you and not offering to move out, AND I MEAN THIS) but you should NEVER want anyone who doesn't want you. Seriously. Stop and really think about that for a minute. You are incompatible, and he doesn't want you. No one is the bad guy! Plus, you will only from now on want people who treat you super special and affirm they think you are the cat's meow. Being with someone who doesn't feel they "click" with you is torture. Stop preferring torture over sanity. Repeated for emphasis - stop preferring torture over sanity.
Make sane and civil living your #1 priority.
(PS - I can't tell you how much I could care less about my shitty ex's now that I am very happily married. So this situation for you is temporary, and every relationship ends until the one that does not.)
-----
Full stop, he should move out because he broke up with you. In fact, in the future, make it your habit to ONLY date the type of guys, which in this exact situation, would make it a priority to be chivalrous and move out.
You should not have to move, but everyone is correct saying you probably should prepare for doing so.
This is why he is a piece of shit. Not because he broke up with you unexpectedly, but because he's putting the burden of the break-up onto you.
---
Glad I could clarify that for you. This is someone who deserves your forgiveness (read:pity) but not someone who deserves your friendship in the future.
Sister, set your sights higher from now on.
posted by jbenben at 11:27 PM on April 1, 2012 [1 favorite]
This, I can help with!!
First of all, if I had a dollar for every guy I had pined for after he broke up with me - ARGH!
It's not that he's a jerk (although he may be for breaking up with you and not offering to move out, AND I MEAN THIS) but you should NEVER want anyone who doesn't want you. Seriously. Stop and really think about that for a minute. You are incompatible, and he doesn't want you. No one is the bad guy! Plus, you will only from now on want people who treat you super special and affirm they think you are the cat's meow. Being with someone who doesn't feel they "click" with you is torture. Stop preferring torture over sanity. Repeated for emphasis - stop preferring torture over sanity.
Make sane and civil living your #1 priority.
(PS - I can't tell you how much I could care less about my shitty ex's now that I am very happily married. So this situation for you is temporary, and every relationship ends until the one that does not.)
-----
Full stop, he should move out because he broke up with you. In fact, in the future, make it your habit to ONLY date the type of guys, which in this exact situation, would make it a priority to be chivalrous and move out.
You should not have to move, but everyone is correct saying you probably should prepare for doing so.
This is why he is a piece of shit. Not because he broke up with you unexpectedly, but because he's putting the burden of the break-up onto you.
---
Glad I could clarify that for you. This is someone who deserves your forgiveness (read:pity) but not someone who deserves your friendship in the future.
Sister, set your sights higher from now on.
posted by jbenben at 11:27 PM on April 1, 2012 [1 favorite]
staying on a friend's couch in a nearby city. I'm leaning towards the latter, as the comedy festival is on there at the moment and it would be a good distraction from everything.
Yes, come to Melbourne! Much better than being in a town with him where everything reminds you of stuff you did together. There is lots to do here right now. Also, I would buy you a drink.
posted by mosessis at 6:01 AM on April 2, 2012
Yes, come to Melbourne! Much better than being in a town with him where everything reminds you of stuff you did together. There is lots to do here right now. Also, I would buy you a drink.
posted by mosessis at 6:01 AM on April 2, 2012
> Full stop, he should move out because he broke up with you.
Did you not read her comment?
> Just thought I'd clarify about the moving situation: I'm in Australia, and the academic year begins in February. 99.9% of my classmates are locked into leases until January/February 2013, as am I. ... Something might come up mid-year, but right now, it's not an option.
It's not an option. Now stop slagging on her ex, it does her no good.
posted by languagehat at 6:47 AM on April 2, 2012 [2 favorites]
Did you not read her comment?
> Just thought I'd clarify about the moving situation: I'm in Australia, and the academic year begins in February. 99.9% of my classmates are locked into leases until January/February 2013, as am I. ... Something might come up mid-year, but right now, it's not an option.
It's not an option. Now stop slagging on her ex, it does her no good.
posted by languagehat at 6:47 AM on April 2, 2012 [2 favorites]
Remember to breathe, it does get easier. Allow yourself to grieve, but also allow yourself to laugh so the comedy festival sounds like a good idea.
posted by arcticseal at 8:09 AM on April 2, 2012
posted by arcticseal at 8:09 AM on April 2, 2012
Have you thought of the idea of switching houses, and leases, with a good friend? It is not unheard of.
posted by Blasdelb at 7:11 PM on April 2, 2012
posted by Blasdelb at 7:11 PM on April 2, 2012
Did you not read her comment?
Why, yes! I did read her comment!
Look. It's really simple.
I've lived in college towns, in shared housing, and on my own. There's no such thing as "no other housing available" OR a lease that can not be broken. In this case, all ex bf has to do is find someone to take over his room. Bonus points if he swaps leases with someone else in a shared house who, for whatever reason, needs to break their own lease. Everybody wins.
Moving is a hassle. OP should not have to share a wall with ex every night when she goes to sleep. *shudder*
Furthermore...
The guy offered to do "whatever makes it easier on her." She has agency to say, "It doesn't have to be immediately, but I would appreciate it if you got the wheels in motion to find somewhere else to live. This will prove too hurtful and distracting for me academically if you stay."
The break-up was a shock for the OP. It came just before a break. Likely her ex was contemplating this for a while. SURELY he could have considered moving out, and to be fair, I believe completely that should have been his plan.
ALL THE BURDEN HERE IS ON THE OP.
Maybe the guy is just clueless, but that really is no excuse. The mature and kind thing for him to do is to make this break-up as easy on the OP as possible and move out.
I'm hoping he comes around and does just that. I used the language I did in my original answer because I don't want the OP to misunderstand that this burden is his, not her's. She's about to put herself through a world of hurt trying to live with him. She shouldn't have to.
It's OK if in the end she sorts a new place to live. But he should have been more on the ball.
He's not being as kind as his words and offers to her are attempting to appear. The truly kind thing for him to do is to make sure she doesn't have to suffer the hurt his close proximity will cause.
He's being lame for breaking-up on good terms, yet not following through all the way on that sentiment.
(I'm thinking about what happens in the house when he starts dating someone else. All of the compromises the OP will have to make, twisting herself into emotional pretzels. And what about when she starts dating someone else? Ah! The tension!!)
Ex bf should move out. If he won't agree, then she'll have to take on that burden. But there is no reason to lose perspective now, or down the road, as these types of shenanigans turn up all the time while dating. Getting it straight now about what should happen, even if it does not happen this time, will aid the OP in making better romantic choices in the future.
posted by jbenben at 11:54 PM on April 2, 2012
Why, yes! I did read her comment!
Look. It's really simple.
I've lived in college towns, in shared housing, and on my own. There's no such thing as "no other housing available" OR a lease that can not be broken. In this case, all ex bf has to do is find someone to take over his room. Bonus points if he swaps leases with someone else in a shared house who, for whatever reason, needs to break their own lease. Everybody wins.
Moving is a hassle. OP should not have to share a wall with ex every night when she goes to sleep. *shudder*
Furthermore...
The guy offered to do "whatever makes it easier on her." She has agency to say, "It doesn't have to be immediately, but I would appreciate it if you got the wheels in motion to find somewhere else to live. This will prove too hurtful and distracting for me academically if you stay."
The break-up was a shock for the OP. It came just before a break. Likely her ex was contemplating this for a while. SURELY he could have considered moving out, and to be fair, I believe completely that should have been his plan.
ALL THE BURDEN HERE IS ON THE OP.
Maybe the guy is just clueless, but that really is no excuse. The mature and kind thing for him to do is to make this break-up as easy on the OP as possible and move out.
I'm hoping he comes around and does just that. I used the language I did in my original answer because I don't want the OP to misunderstand that this burden is his, not her's. She's about to put herself through a world of hurt trying to live with him. She shouldn't have to.
It's OK if in the end she sorts a new place to live. But he should have been more on the ball.
He's not being as kind as his words and offers to her are attempting to appear. The truly kind thing for him to do is to make sure she doesn't have to suffer the hurt his close proximity will cause.
He's being lame for breaking-up on good terms, yet not following through all the way on that sentiment.
(I'm thinking about what happens in the house when he starts dating someone else. All of the compromises the OP will have to make, twisting herself into emotional pretzels. And what about when she starts dating someone else? Ah! The tension!!)
Ex bf should move out. If he won't agree, then she'll have to take on that burden. But there is no reason to lose perspective now, or down the road, as these types of shenanigans turn up all the time while dating. Getting it straight now about what should happen, even if it does not happen this time, will aid the OP in making better romantic choices in the future.
posted by jbenben at 11:54 PM on April 2, 2012
Your ex-boyfriend can not help you get over the relationship. It's tempting to comfort one another and feels good in the moment, but he CANNOT help you get over him. It sounds like you don't have much of a choice in your living situation. However, you can stop yourself from relying on him for emotional support. Go to ANYONE but him for emotional support. I imagine he honestly wants to help, but he simply can't help.
posted by parakeetdog at 2:07 PM on April 3, 2012
posted by parakeetdog at 2:07 PM on April 3, 2012
« Older Please recommend a method of posting photos online... | My new shelter cats have some problems Newer »
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by supercres at 9:58 AM on April 1, 2012 [23 favorites]