I love and hate my own support system.
March 24, 2012 11:20 AM Subscribe
How do I 'get better' when I have conflicts with my own support system? My mom wants me to get better, but I'm easily irritated by her and now I'm moving to be close to her while seeking the help I need. TL;DR in the end because I just have a lot of issues :/
Background: I've never been so tired and exhausted which started around October of last year. I couldn't get out of the house, even my bed. My room would be dirty and I didn't care. I wouldn't remember to eat until I was extremely hungry and even then, I wouldn't want to prepare anything. I was in a dysfunctional fwb with my ex (who was insecure and accused me of having sex with other people, wouldn't want me to talk to my other ex and has sent things to piss him off). I did coke for the first time with him. I cut him off in November in attempt to better myself. I tried to go to school, but I eventually stopped. I used to have a 4.0 freshman year and went down to 3.6 sophomore year (I think that's when I had mild depression). Junior year to now, I'm on probation. I withdrew from all my courses in the fall. I told myself I would try to work harder this year to get off probation but everything is pointless and even the smallest of tasks, I'd just ignore it and wallow in bed. I would cry and wish I didn't exist because of school work. I started having suicidal ideation again. The few times I would hangout with people I'd get drunk. And the rest I tell my friends that I wasn't feeling too well or that I already have other plans (even though I would just be laying in bed). I've had a couple of sessions with different psychologists since I was 19 (I'm 21), but never fully committed to any treatment. I wrote a letter to my mom 2 weeks ago about my situation and she is here with me during my spring break.
Now: I've talked to a psychologist and a psychiatrist this week. In my first session with the psychologist, it was the first time I've ever talked about immigrating to the U.S. to be with my parents, yet, I lived with my brother and his family when I was in middle school. I cried. I felt so ashamed just crying about something I've never actually thought much about. I tend to cry in my sessions and I just feel really sorry, even though I know that's a part of their profession. I'm not on medication, but from the session with my psychiatrist, he recommended Zoloft. We didn't want to start on medication because we were still unsure if I'm moving or not.
I live in a major city in California to go to school, but since I'm going to drop out, my mom wants me to move back to a suburb in Texas (where I used to live 2 years ago) and go back to CA when I'm better. I understand this but I feel nothing is going to change. BTW, I'm undocumented, my parents aren't. That's not going to change in the near future. I would still be hopeless, I wouldn't have a job, etc.
I know that my mom wants me to be better, but what if my issues are with her and family dynamics? My psychiatrist suggested that I should live with my sister in Texas instead of being surrounded by my mom all the time. Her side comments about depression are not helping. While talking to my brother about my session with the psychiatrist she said, "The doctor said she has severe depression," laughing. While I was really irritable about her being so slow and being late to an appointment, she said, "ok fine now you're coming to Texas with me." I think she means well, but this is really hurtful. I don't tell her my thoughts all the time and I feel like I have to keep up a front with my family. When people ask how I'm doing, I just say I'm ok, even though I don't know if I'm feeling anything, if that makes sense... I don't like them worrying about me and I already feel guilty for my mom paying a lot of money for therapy, plane tickets, etc.
TL;DR: I have depression. I know I have a lot of issues to work on including my relationship with my mom and my family. I'm moving to Texas so that I can have a solid support system while seeking help, instead of isolating myself here. My mom basically wants to watch over me, but I already have existing conflicts with her. How can I make it less stressful? How do I cope with moving to Texas if I feel so hopeless about my situation there? I'm not going to be in any therapy until I get there next week. Since I'm already here, how do I talk to my closest friends and my not-so-close friends about my depression and that I'm leaving? I didn't want to fully discuss my depression and that I'm leaving, but maybe I should? I need advice.
Background: I've never been so tired and exhausted which started around October of last year. I couldn't get out of the house, even my bed. My room would be dirty and I didn't care. I wouldn't remember to eat until I was extremely hungry and even then, I wouldn't want to prepare anything. I was in a dysfunctional fwb with my ex (who was insecure and accused me of having sex with other people, wouldn't want me to talk to my other ex and has sent things to piss him off). I did coke for the first time with him. I cut him off in November in attempt to better myself. I tried to go to school, but I eventually stopped. I used to have a 4.0 freshman year and went down to 3.6 sophomore year (I think that's when I had mild depression). Junior year to now, I'm on probation. I withdrew from all my courses in the fall. I told myself I would try to work harder this year to get off probation but everything is pointless and even the smallest of tasks, I'd just ignore it and wallow in bed. I would cry and wish I didn't exist because of school work. I started having suicidal ideation again. The few times I would hangout with people I'd get drunk. And the rest I tell my friends that I wasn't feeling too well or that I already have other plans (even though I would just be laying in bed). I've had a couple of sessions with different psychologists since I was 19 (I'm 21), but never fully committed to any treatment. I wrote a letter to my mom 2 weeks ago about my situation and she is here with me during my spring break.
Now: I've talked to a psychologist and a psychiatrist this week. In my first session with the psychologist, it was the first time I've ever talked about immigrating to the U.S. to be with my parents, yet, I lived with my brother and his family when I was in middle school. I cried. I felt so ashamed just crying about something I've never actually thought much about. I tend to cry in my sessions and I just feel really sorry, even though I know that's a part of their profession. I'm not on medication, but from the session with my psychiatrist, he recommended Zoloft. We didn't want to start on medication because we were still unsure if I'm moving or not.
I live in a major city in California to go to school, but since I'm going to drop out, my mom wants me to move back to a suburb in Texas (where I used to live 2 years ago) and go back to CA when I'm better. I understand this but I feel nothing is going to change. BTW, I'm undocumented, my parents aren't. That's not going to change in the near future. I would still be hopeless, I wouldn't have a job, etc.
I know that my mom wants me to be better, but what if my issues are with her and family dynamics? My psychiatrist suggested that I should live with my sister in Texas instead of being surrounded by my mom all the time. Her side comments about depression are not helping. While talking to my brother about my session with the psychiatrist she said, "The doctor said she has severe depression," laughing. While I was really irritable about her being so slow and being late to an appointment, she said, "ok fine now you're coming to Texas with me." I think she means well, but this is really hurtful. I don't tell her my thoughts all the time and I feel like I have to keep up a front with my family. When people ask how I'm doing, I just say I'm ok, even though I don't know if I'm feeling anything, if that makes sense... I don't like them worrying about me and I already feel guilty for my mom paying a lot of money for therapy, plane tickets, etc.
TL;DR: I have depression. I know I have a lot of issues to work on including my relationship with my mom and my family. I'm moving to Texas so that I can have a solid support system while seeking help, instead of isolating myself here. My mom basically wants to watch over me, but I already have existing conflicts with her. How can I make it less stressful? How do I cope with moving to Texas if I feel so hopeless about my situation there? I'm not going to be in any therapy until I get there next week. Since I'm already here, how do I talk to my closest friends and my not-so-close friends about my depression and that I'm leaving? I didn't want to fully discuss my depression and that I'm leaving, but maybe I should? I need advice.
Try to put your problems in order of importance. Compartmentalize and sequence the shit you've got to work through. Sounds like your mom loves you, and I know it's going to tough, but the first thing to do us focus on yourself, family may irritate you, and you may not be sure how to talk about what's wrong, but those problems are secondary to fixing what's broken inside you.
I recommend focusing on your therapy and forgetting everyone else for a minute. After you are on firmer ground in yourself, start getting your relationships sorted out.
posted by roboton666 at 12:25 PM on March 24, 2012
I recommend focusing on your therapy and forgetting everyone else for a minute. After you are on firmer ground in yourself, start getting your relationships sorted out.
posted by roboton666 at 12:25 PM on March 24, 2012
It sounds like you are beginning a long journey. Take it step by step. Crying is good. Asking for help is good. There's no need to feel ashamed. What you are doing now can help you not just recover but be able to lend great strength to others in the future. My wisest friends all went through one of these horrible periods. The work you're doing can pay off, so embrace it. It's like you're going to a two-year college to major in Emotional Wisdom, beginning with courses on self-compassion and healthy lifestyles, moving on to courses in self-understanding, boundaries, communication, and forgiveness.
This instinct you have that being at home isn't healthy may be very important. If you can live with your sister as your therapist suggested, great. But if you don't have a choice for now, then look at it like a requirement that you live in the dorm your first year while you master the healthy lifestyles part. Just take the whole thing step by step and master the fundamentals first. You can do this.
posted by salvia at 12:45 PM on March 24, 2012 [4 favorites]
This instinct you have that being at home isn't healthy may be very important. If you can live with your sister as your therapist suggested, great. But if you don't have a choice for now, then look at it like a requirement that you live in the dorm your first year while you master the healthy lifestyles part. Just take the whole thing step by step and master the fundamentals first. You can do this.
posted by salvia at 12:45 PM on March 24, 2012 [4 favorites]
The zoloft once you start it will take the edge off the dynamics of family.....
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 1:17 PM on March 24, 2012
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 1:17 PM on March 24, 2012
I was exactly where you are now less than two years ago.
First and foremost, you have accomplished soo much! Maintaining a 3.6 sophomore year is incredible, to say the least. You can always re-take the course you failed, and since you withdraw this semester--those grades will be wiped cleans. Doing this as an undocumented immigrant, I believe, shows that you're a survivor.
My sophomore year, I became depressed and started to have thoughts of suicide. I had a high GPA, as well, but I felt so miserable. I had little knowledge of what the future would bring and I felt as if I had few options. I drank every other day. To say the least, I was unhappy with myself. I withdrew from the quarter and relocated to live with my emotionally abusive family. It was hell. But with (then) free food and a place to live, I didn't take advantage of the opportunity. I only worked a part-time job and surfed the internet all day.
It was then that I became deeply involved with an older, also suicidal man. I saved up a few thousand and we purchased an apartment together. I felt secure, needed, and I believed we would be together forever. I was 21 at the time. As you may have predicted, he broke up with me and found someone with more common interests. When he left me, he took everything--including my most valuable possessions. With little saving left, I begged my college to take me back. I was ready to work hard. But I had a hard time concentrating. I ended up with straight C-'s my first two quarters.
By then, I started to create what I call "little cushions of support". Everyone needs them. Some Mefites (like jbenben) stepped up to give my valuable advice. They served as my mentors and helped me regain confidence. I started to see a psychiatrist. It is truly important to have a therapist who you trust, so that he may serve as an advocate on your behalf. I hit the gym; I obtained two internships centered around first-generation and foster children; and I began to talk to men at my school--platonically. I used the money that I made to check off my bucket list. Since that summer, my lowest grade has been an A-. I have two job offers, and I'm waiting to hear back from other companies.
What helped me was working backwards, and perhaps you should do the same. Where do you want to be after graduation? If it's in the states, are there resources in Texas for undocumented residents? What type of men do you want in your life? Once you decide on this, go to a Meetup or two. Get to know men as friends first. And block your ex.
Family dynamics? I don't know if your mom is as crazy as mine, but do truly have a great relationship with your sister? I say this because although you may be closer to your sister, she may be unable to provide for your financially as you get better. Go where the money is, at least until you save some of your own...
MeMail me if you want to chat! And I hope you feel better!
posted by nikayla_luv at 1:21 PM on March 24, 2012 [5 favorites]
First and foremost, you have accomplished soo much! Maintaining a 3.6 sophomore year is incredible, to say the least. You can always re-take the course you failed, and since you withdraw this semester--those grades will be wiped cleans. Doing this as an undocumented immigrant, I believe, shows that you're a survivor.
My sophomore year, I became depressed and started to have thoughts of suicide. I had a high GPA, as well, but I felt so miserable. I had little knowledge of what the future would bring and I felt as if I had few options. I drank every other day. To say the least, I was unhappy with myself. I withdrew from the quarter and relocated to live with my emotionally abusive family. It was hell. But with (then) free food and a place to live, I didn't take advantage of the opportunity. I only worked a part-time job and surfed the internet all day.
It was then that I became deeply involved with an older, also suicidal man. I saved up a few thousand and we purchased an apartment together. I felt secure, needed, and I believed we would be together forever. I was 21 at the time. As you may have predicted, he broke up with me and found someone with more common interests. When he left me, he took everything--including my most valuable possessions. With little saving left, I begged my college to take me back. I was ready to work hard. But I had a hard time concentrating. I ended up with straight C-'s my first two quarters.
By then, I started to create what I call "little cushions of support". Everyone needs them. Some Mefites (like jbenben) stepped up to give my valuable advice. They served as my mentors and helped me regain confidence. I started to see a psychiatrist. It is truly important to have a therapist who you trust, so that he may serve as an advocate on your behalf. I hit the gym; I obtained two internships centered around first-generation and foster children; and I began to talk to men at my school--platonically. I used the money that I made to check off my bucket list. Since that summer, my lowest grade has been an A-. I have two job offers, and I'm waiting to hear back from other companies.
What helped me was working backwards, and perhaps you should do the same. Where do you want to be after graduation? If it's in the states, are there resources in Texas for undocumented residents? What type of men do you want in your life? Once you decide on this, go to a Meetup or two. Get to know men as friends first. And block your ex.
Family dynamics? I don't know if your mom is as crazy as mine, but do truly have a great relationship with your sister? I say this because although you may be closer to your sister, she may be unable to provide for your financially as you get better. Go where the money is, at least until you save some of your own...
MeMail me if you want to chat! And I hope you feel better!
posted by nikayla_luv at 1:21 PM on March 24, 2012 [5 favorites]
How are you in college, yet undocumented??
I didn't understand entirely this part of your story, yet I believe it is at the heart of your hopelessness and depression.
Please please sort out your immigration issues. Is your mom somehow in the way of this issue being resolved?
I feel like there is too much left out of your question for anyone to be helpful yet. Besides the immigration issue (which must be debilitating - I'm so sorry!) I think people are not understanding what's wrong with your mom. She undermines and sabotages you, correct? Honestly, it was hard to tease out why your psychiatrist is against your moving in with your mom, but I think my guess above is what you were trying to get across? I dunno.
Please clarify what exactly is going on.
If you are truly undocumented, that would be a HUGE source of stress. Stress causes depression.
Drugs probably won't help as much, in the long term, as getting clarification on you immigration status and resolving any obstacles preventing you from being legal in the US. But it's hard to say for sure without further details.
Best.
posted by jbenben at 1:41 PM on March 24, 2012 [1 favorite]
I didn't understand entirely this part of your story, yet I believe it is at the heart of your hopelessness and depression.
Please please sort out your immigration issues. Is your mom somehow in the way of this issue being resolved?
I feel like there is too much left out of your question for anyone to be helpful yet. Besides the immigration issue (which must be debilitating - I'm so sorry!) I think people are not understanding what's wrong with your mom. She undermines and sabotages you, correct? Honestly, it was hard to tease out why your psychiatrist is against your moving in with your mom, but I think my guess above is what you were trying to get across? I dunno.
Please clarify what exactly is going on.
If you are truly undocumented, that would be a HUGE source of stress. Stress causes depression.
Drugs probably won't help as much, in the long term, as getting clarification on you immigration status and resolving any obstacles preventing you from being legal in the US. But it's hard to say for sure without further details.
Best.
posted by jbenben at 1:41 PM on March 24, 2012 [1 favorite]
IANAD but meds might help tremendously in the short term. From what I've seen and experienced, they don't make you happy but they help get you off the deep, dead hopeless space to being able to get out of bed in the morning and be more functioning in every day life.
I would also suggest doing at least a little sharing with your current friends. You'll quickly find out who "gets it" about depression and who doesn't. I have found that once you start talking about depression etc., you find lots of people who have dealt with it personally or in their families who were too private or too embarassed to share it until they knew you were in the club too. Some of those people might continue to be support for you via IM or skype etc. even after you move.
Finally, my personal motto is "DEPRESSION LIES" - you aren't going to be able to really sort out which part of your concerns are real and which are exaggerated until you manage to get a little bit more free of the depression.
And final, finally, you should be so proud of yourself for getting into a psychologist and psychiatrist this week. Even with everything looking hopeless, you were able to make yourself reach out for help and hope.
posted by metahawk at 2:54 PM on March 24, 2012 [2 favorites]
I would also suggest doing at least a little sharing with your current friends. You'll quickly find out who "gets it" about depression and who doesn't. I have found that once you start talking about depression etc., you find lots of people who have dealt with it personally or in their families who were too private or too embarassed to share it until they knew you were in the club too. Some of those people might continue to be support for you via IM or skype etc. even after you move.
Finally, my personal motto is "DEPRESSION LIES" - you aren't going to be able to really sort out which part of your concerns are real and which are exaggerated until you manage to get a little bit more free of the depression.
And final, finally, you should be so proud of yourself for getting into a psychologist and psychiatrist this week. Even with everything looking hopeless, you were able to make yourself reach out for help and hope.
posted by metahawk at 2:54 PM on March 24, 2012 [2 favorites]
I know that my mom wants me to be better, but what if my issues are with her and family dynamics?
Work with your psychologist or a therapist on building boundaries with your family for your mental health recovery -- especially to help negate the guilt. If this is not possible before you move, make it your first priority in therapy once you're in Texas.
Also, I would recommend planning something positive in your life you can look forward to outside of your family. Leaving the support network you've built outside of your family behind will be hard enough (not to mention depression-reinforcing) once you're back in Texas. Having something to look forward to outside of your family may help tremendously to keep you anchored as you outside of who you are in the context of your family (anon the runner/poker player/bookworm/etc., vs. anon-the-depressed-because-of-family-and-other-issues). Think of it as something you owe yourself -- recognizing at least one part of who you really are apart from any all-encompassing family stressors.
If you can, let go of the expectation that certain people will understand who you are and what you're going through on the basis that they're family alone. IME with my own mental health and family, expecting/hoping that they'll understand therefore, help/support me has always done more to set me back than help. Especially because sometimes I have very strong, "irrational" feelings about them/their actions/their behaviors that just need to come OUT. Once the feelings are out and I can process them comfortably at a pace that doesn't overwhelm me, then I can adjust my reactions to them. But without that middle step of "what am I feeling and how do I express it with dignity", I find myself much more susceptible to family-induced crazy/depression. Of course, YMMV.
Anyhow, You're 21 and your adult life is just beginning. If you embrace it, therapy is an awesome place to take the reins and start building yourself into the kind of adult you genuinely want to be. Really, give it some thought. What kind of adult do you want to be? One who finds their own answers with confidence? Is not afraid to ask for help? Can combat global warming AND hold off mom's weekly dose of "intensity" in the blink of an eye? Well guess what -- it IS possible! It might be like beating the hardest boss on the hardest level of the hardest game you've ever played, but. it. is. possible. Therapy and some self-initiative is exactly where you'll pick up the skills to become that person -- first with courage and guidance, eventually with independence and confidence. Our families do the best they can, and teach us the best they can, with what they know... the nice thing about this day and age, is that we totally get to build on it from there.
posted by human ecologist at 10:40 PM on March 24, 2012 [2 favorites]
Work with your psychologist or a therapist on building boundaries with your family for your mental health recovery -- especially to help negate the guilt. If this is not possible before you move, make it your first priority in therapy once you're in Texas.
Also, I would recommend planning something positive in your life you can look forward to outside of your family. Leaving the support network you've built outside of your family behind will be hard enough (not to mention depression-reinforcing) once you're back in Texas. Having something to look forward to outside of your family may help tremendously to keep you anchored as you outside of who you are in the context of your family (anon the runner/poker player/bookworm/etc., vs. anon-the-depressed-because-of-family-and-other-issues). Think of it as something you owe yourself -- recognizing at least one part of who you really are apart from any all-encompassing family stressors.
If you can, let go of the expectation that certain people will understand who you are and what you're going through on the basis that they're family alone. IME with my own mental health and family, expecting/hoping that they'll understand therefore, help/support me has always done more to set me back than help. Especially because sometimes I have very strong, "irrational" feelings about them/their actions/their behaviors that just need to come OUT. Once the feelings are out and I can process them comfortably at a pace that doesn't overwhelm me, then I can adjust my reactions to them. But without that middle step of "what am I feeling and how do I express it with dignity", I find myself much more susceptible to family-induced crazy/depression. Of course, YMMV.
Anyhow, You're 21 and your adult life is just beginning. If you embrace it, therapy is an awesome place to take the reins and start building yourself into the kind of adult you genuinely want to be. Really, give it some thought. What kind of adult do you want to be? One who finds their own answers with confidence? Is not afraid to ask for help? Can combat global warming AND hold off mom's weekly dose of "intensity" in the blink of an eye? Well guess what -- it IS possible! It might be like beating the hardest boss on the hardest level of the hardest game you've ever played, but. it. is. possible. Therapy and some self-initiative is exactly where you'll pick up the skills to become that person -- first with courage and guidance, eventually with independence and confidence. Our families do the best they can, and teach us the best they can, with what they know... the nice thing about this day and age, is that we totally get to build on it from there.
posted by human ecologist at 10:40 PM on March 24, 2012 [2 favorites]
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-you had the courage to ask for help from family and a professional
-you cut out your ex
-you tried your best to take care of your priorities like school despite your personal struggles
-you took yourself out of school before things worsened for you
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Be forgiving towards yourself when it comes to not always taking care of yourself or your surroundings. I have been in your position and sometimes still feel that way. It's hard when you are depressed/in a bad place emotionally. What I recommend is forcing yourself to go outside even on the days when you feel down. A solitary walk really helps out and can help you clear your head.
If there are days when you can't do this, then that is okay too! Getting better is a lengthy but necessary process.
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I'm 21 years old too and I had to pull myself out of school because I was in a bad place too. I struggled to the point where opening a textbook felt like the biggest task of the day. Your health (in all aspects) is the most important thing. Get better and then when you are ready, go back to school and end things on a better note. I was on probation during my first year of university because things sucked, I had poor coping methods, and I just struggled but I'm only two credits away from completing my degree. Guess what: I increased my average dramatically and will end up completing my degree despite everything.
You will too.
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It takes time to find the right mental health professional. But, I'm currently working with two amazing professionals. They are very understanding of my situation and want to provide me with help because they care about me.
It takes a while to feel comfortable crying in front of someone else though. Especially, if you have bottled up your emotions for such a long time. Honestly, I typically laugh to avoid having to cry or make a joke out of something. Other times I will continue to talk despite the tears that are flooding down my face until I'm told that there is some kleenex right beside me.
I don't know which professionals you will encounter or work with, but many get into this profession because they care about mental health and want to help people that struggle. They will want to support you even if they can't comfort you in other ways like hugging you.
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If your issues are with your mother and your family dynamics then you still have options. You could always live with the family member that you are the closest with or live in a rehab or mental wellness type of facility.
Regardless of where you live (based on those two options) you would have professional support from mental health professionals. You should also seek out a peer support group in your area so that you can develop friendships and know that you are not alone.
For what it's worth though, despite the dysfunction that you associate to your family, it seems like they care about you. It wasn't cool of your mother to laugh while saying that you have severe depression, but I would assume that it's because she didn't want to cry so she subconsciously started to laugh instead of cry. This can be especially true since you said that you and your family are immigrants (at least that's what I gathered while reading your post). If that is the case, then there is a lot of hidden aspects in many cultures because people are too ashamed to talk about mental health, depression, etc...
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It also seems like your family cares about you because they want to take care of you! Don't feel guilty about that. Think about it: if someone in your family was in your position, would you ignore their existence and let them dig themselves into a terrible situation or would you want to be the first there to support them?
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I also told my therapist that I feel like I have to keep up a front with a lot of people as the person that jokes around or appears too be outgoing and what not when I feel otherwise. He said that there isn't anything wrong with this. You shouldn't view it as a "front" but rather, setting boundaries and keeping certain information private. You don't owe anyone an explanation and you don't have to attempt to appear happy. That isn't good either. Allow yourself to feel whatever.
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Overall, you can make the situation less stressful/cope with moving to Texas by seeking support from outside sources such as a mental health professional, peer support groups (once you are ready), and reading the womans comfort book so that you can find better coping methods.
Tell your very close friends the truth (if you would like to maintain relationships with them). Tell other people such as your not-so-close friends the truth but minimal details. Say something like "there was a personal family emergency so I have to move back to Texas" or 'I'm taking a break from school and didn't see the point of paying rent for right now." Don't share things that you would rather keep personal.
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Anyways, sorry for the longest post ever. I would have preferred sending you a memail since this is so incredibly long. But, I really wanted to throw in my two cents here. I hope things get better for you.
Feel free to memail me if you ever need someone to talk to.
posted by livinglearning at 12:22 PM on March 24, 2012 [1 favorite]