How to deal with a cheating spouse?
March 22, 2012 10:22 AM Subscribe
My spouse has been having an emotional affair at best and sleeping with an ex at the worst and I'm 6 months pregnant, what in the world do I do?
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (76 answers total) 9 users marked this as a favorite
My husband has been texting, skyping and emailing at least 2 other women since January exchanging flirtatious messages and possibly pictures. Between the texts/emails I've downloaded off of his phone and the messages I've seen on skype, I know for certain he is having an emotional affair. I also know that in January while he was away he contacted 2 exes and one of the aforementioned women when he was drunk and bored.
I got the inclination to look through his phone because he's been throwing up some major red flags lately. Texting late at night, not being intimate when things were previously stellar (I chalked this up to pregnancy at first, but it looks like I was being generous.), and the fact that one women, lets call her J had a falling out with her boyfriend and he contacted me.
J's boyfriend nearly broke up with J (2+year relationship) because he felt her relationship with my husband was inappropriate. Because I work full time I didn't realize how much time they were spending together until J's boyfriend contacted me and let me know. I then confirmed on my end by checking my husbands skype log, and it's not good; hours of messages, admissions of mutual attraction, lots of flirting. I know before we were married we used to naked skype all the time, so the fact that he's skype calling her does not look good.
In addition to J, there's E. E is an old friend, married with a child and a self professed chronic cheater. They also late night text, stay in contact via social media, and the content of their messages is much the same but with much more damning evidence. All of her skype messages are cleared every night but on his phone there are texts talking about what a tease she is and how he's going to have to get her to stop that (in a flirtatious way, not a "I'm married stop this" sort of way.").
I think the only reason he hasn't slept with these two women is distance, J is about an hour away and E recently moved to the opposite coast.
The other women he's contacted (his ex's) are very close so he may be carrying on a physical relationship with one of them and just deleting all of the messages, I have no way of knowing. My husband has a very high sex drive so it's hard for me to believe that he's not getting it from somewhere, since he hasn't been sleeping with me.
I know I was snooping, I don't feel bad about it at all. When we got married we said we wouldn't keep anything from one another, so he knows my phone PW and I know his, I just don't think he ever thought I would go looking. Before we were married he was on a dating site while we were dating ostensibly "just talking to girls when I'm bored", and we set a firm limit that it was inappropriate and he said it wouldn't happen again, so there's a small history to all of this.
Other pertinent information: I'm the main bread winner and can afford to live on my own, he cannot afford to live on his own if I ask him to leave. I want to ask him to leave, but I'm trying to remain very calm until I figure out a plan. I have no idea how to confront him, I have all of the evidence on my laptop and I don't know how to say it. I am so ashamed, I never thought this would happen and I feel like an idiot for not seeing it coming. I'm worried about my marriage falling apart after only a year and feel like I've failed as a wife.
Throwaway email address: email@example.com