Hugs not shrugs
March 12, 2012 10:40 AM Subscribe
How do I become a hugger?
I'm a guy in my mid 20s and I've never been comfortable with platonic hugging -- it has always felt too gropey/sexual for me. How can I learn to express my platonic love for someone physically, without worrying that I'm going to pop an unwelcome boner?
I'm a guy in my mid 20s and I've never been comfortable with platonic hugging -- it has always felt too gropey/sexual for me. How can I learn to express my platonic love for someone physically, without worrying that I'm going to pop an unwelcome boner?
Don't press your hips against the person. Lean forward to hug, leaving a good foot or so between you and the other party. There's no reason why your boner (if you have one) should come anywhere near the other party.
This goofy video is actually a good illustration of how to hug platonically. If you're hugging a girl, leave out the back thumps.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 10:50 AM on March 12, 2012 [15 favorites]
This goofy video is actually a good illustration of how to hug platonically. If you're hugging a girl, leave out the back thumps.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 10:50 AM on March 12, 2012 [15 favorites]
You don't have to hug everyone full-body all the time. In fact, I think it's better if you don't. Most of the guy friends I hug don't get their pelvises anywhere near me, so if they do get hard, I don't notice because I generally don't stare at my guy friends' crotches. The way to not-full-body hug someone is to stand a little farther away from them than full-body distance, and then lean in with your torso, keeping your feet where they are. Your hands should be somewhere on a woman's back, but they should be loose and not particularly clasping. Also, don't hold this hug for more than a moment. Ta da! Non-creepy hug.
posted by colfax at 10:52 AM on March 12, 2012
posted by colfax at 10:52 AM on March 12, 2012
(I'm going to assume you're heterosexual, so if you're not, most of what I said doesn't really apply.)
First off, if you're in the hug long enough to become noticeably erect to the other person you are hugging both too long, and too close. Unless it's my girlfriend or a very close friend, I do not touch hips with a person I am hugging. Just the upper body. A regular hello/goodbye hug shouldn't even have much squeezing if you're not really close to the person. Arms wrap, upper bodies touch, disengage.
Don't hug around the waist. Depending on the person, you'll either be hugging them around the upper arms/shoulders, or that in that diagonal manner. The former is generally how men hug women who are not their significant other, the latter is how men hug one another. Variations abound, but if you stick to that, you should be safe. If you want, you can also do the one-hand hug where you basically just throw your arm over the person's shoulder, behind their neck, and press in.
As a side note, has that erection thing actually happened, at least since you stopped being a teenager? Bear in mind that while a teenage boy may get aroused by a particularly shapely set of table legs, it's (probably) not going to happen for a man in his mid-20s who has himself under control. YMMV.
Finally, you don't have to hug. Some people don't. I'm pretty free about it, but I have friends who do not hug anyone but people they're really, genuinely close with. It's not some sort of grandiose, Seinfeldian faux-pas to not hug, and if you try to do it without wanting to do it, it's really not much fun for anyone.
posted by griphus at 10:54 AM on March 12, 2012 [5 favorites]
First off, if you're in the hug long enough to become noticeably erect to the other person you are hugging both too long, and too close. Unless it's my girlfriend or a very close friend, I do not touch hips with a person I am hugging. Just the upper body. A regular hello/goodbye hug shouldn't even have much squeezing if you're not really close to the person. Arms wrap, upper bodies touch, disengage.
Don't hug around the waist. Depending on the person, you'll either be hugging them around the upper arms/shoulders, or that in that diagonal manner. The former is generally how men hug women who are not their significant other, the latter is how men hug one another. Variations abound, but if you stick to that, you should be safe. If you want, you can also do the one-hand hug where you basically just throw your arm over the person's shoulder, behind their neck, and press in.
As a side note, has that erection thing actually happened, at least since you stopped being a teenager? Bear in mind that while a teenage boy may get aroused by a particularly shapely set of table legs, it's (probably) not going to happen for a man in his mid-20s who has himself under control. YMMV.
Finally, you don't have to hug. Some people don't. I'm pretty free about it, but I have friends who do not hug anyone but people they're really, genuinely close with. It's not some sort of grandiose, Seinfeldian faux-pas to not hug, and if you try to do it without wanting to do it, it's really not much fun for anyone.
posted by griphus at 10:54 AM on March 12, 2012 [5 favorites]
...most some of what I said doesn't may not really apply...
posted by griphus at 10:55 AM on March 12, 2012
posted by griphus at 10:55 AM on March 12, 2012
This thread is gonna give me a massive erection during my next awkwardly placed, feeble, yet too-lingering hug.
Look, if you're following a protocol your hug is gonna be weird and creepy, especially if you're worrying about your degree of tugidity. Don't hug if you don't want to, and if you do just do it. It's a really basic thing humans do and your brain will know how to do it.
posted by cmoj at 11:05 AM on March 12, 2012
Look, if you're following a protocol your hug is gonna be weird and creepy, especially if you're worrying about your degree of tugidity. Don't hug if you don't want to, and if you do just do it. It's a really basic thing humans do and your brain will know how to do it.
posted by cmoj at 11:05 AM on March 12, 2012
You might be looking for the Christian Side Hug
Note: These youth leaders on the stage are mostly fucking with their audience, mostly.
posted by Blasdelb at 11:06 AM on March 12, 2012 [5 favorites]
Note: These youth leaders on the stage are mostly fucking with their audience, mostly.
posted by Blasdelb at 11:06 AM on March 12, 2012 [5 favorites]
The Art of Manliness blog had a post on this (Man Hugs that is) that might be worth googling. I'll leave the footwork to you.
posted by RolandOfEld at 11:15 AM on March 12, 2012
posted by RolandOfEld at 11:15 AM on March 12, 2012
Response by poster: I know how to physically hug someone without humping them. Perhaps I should have phrased this more clearly:
How can I be warm and physically affectionate without being sexually imposing?
How can I receive a hug from an attractive female friend without thinking 'oh gosh, your boobs are touching me?' (Yes, that is a meathead kind of thought -- that's why I want to stop thinking it.)
There is also the meta-question: how can I be sure the reason I want to be a hugger isn't that I want to seem more normal to unsuspecting women?
Does anyone have experience with this neurosis? Did going to a cuddle party make it better or worse (or eliminate the problem but not the meta-problem?) Do most people feel slightly aroused when hugging someone they find attractive and just not stress about it?
posted by modernserf at 11:49 AM on March 12, 2012
How can I be warm and physically affectionate without being sexually imposing?
How can I receive a hug from an attractive female friend without thinking 'oh gosh, your boobs are touching me?' (Yes, that is a meathead kind of thought -- that's why I want to stop thinking it.)
There is also the meta-question: how can I be sure the reason I want to be a hugger isn't that I want to seem more normal to unsuspecting women?
Does anyone have experience with this neurosis? Did going to a cuddle party make it better or worse (or eliminate the problem but not the meta-problem?) Do most people feel slightly aroused when hugging someone they find attractive and just not stress about it?
posted by modernserf at 11:49 AM on March 12, 2012
Agree with cmoj - do not follow any sort of hugging protocols. If you want to be a hugger you will need to make it a natural thing. Are you grinding your hips into the other person? If so, stop that. As a girl who has hugged plenty of guys platonically, I don't see how this could be an issue unless you are grinding into them.
Keep a bit of distance so that you are leaning forward a little to hug the person. A non-creepy hug for me is going to last a couple of seconds and usually involves a squeeze around the shoulders/upper chest area.
posted by fromageball at 11:50 AM on March 12, 2012
Keep a bit of distance so that you are leaning forward a little to hug the person. A non-creepy hug for me is going to last a couple of seconds and usually involves a squeeze around the shoulders/upper chest area.
posted by fromageball at 11:50 AM on March 12, 2012
Best answer: Cuddle Party, yes, would be a good practice zone if you have that opportunity. It is intentionally a safe space for exploring how to deal comfortably with such things. Would you be okay with sharing with the group your anxieties about this and that it's something you're there to work on? I'm confident you'd get not only get support and interest in helping you out, but also several people seconding the thoughts you've expressed here. It's not at all unusual for people to attend for such reasons. It's explicitly acknowledged early in the gathering that erections sometimes happen in response to non-sexual touch. So you would not be bringing up a topic that's inappropriate or unexpected.
On a side note: I'm a huggy, huggy gal. If any friend has ever had an erection, it certainly wasn't apparent to me. Judging by your comments here, I think it's okay to credit yourself with not being That Guy. Believe me, we can tell the difference between you and Creepy Guy's intentions. But, yeah, if you have doubts, a handshake and enthusiastic greeting work equally fine.
posted by nakedcodemonkey at 12:34 PM on March 12, 2012 [1 favorite]
On a side note: I'm a huggy, huggy gal. If any friend has ever had an erection, it certainly wasn't apparent to me. Judging by your comments here, I think it's okay to credit yourself with not being That Guy. Believe me, we can tell the difference between you and Creepy Guy's intentions. But, yeah, if you have doubts, a handshake and enthusiastic greeting work equally fine.
posted by nakedcodemonkey at 12:34 PM on March 12, 2012 [1 favorite]
You can start out shaking hands and give a one-armed hug with your left hand (if you're shaking hands with your right hand) keeping the handshake still between you and the hugger. I know a few people who aren't keen on hugging pull this off as it keeps a physical barrier between them and the huggie but still creates the close contact of the hug that huggers enjoy.
posted by patheral at 12:54 PM on March 12, 2012
posted by patheral at 12:54 PM on March 12, 2012
I think the thing is you shouldn't be hugging unless you really want to.
As a woman, I hate kissing people on the cheek so a hand wave and a simple hello/goodbye are employed most of the time.
But I'm also a hugger and will prefer to do that but I know not everyone else is comfortable with it - so you choose your audience, basically.
If I'm around someone who I know will probably get off on the hug-based contact and I'm not interested, I will always just do the hand wave/head nod.
Maybe if you think you might get all inappropriately erect, you don't hug certain people and instead use a salutation for them that requires no bodily contact.
posted by mleigh at 2:10 PM on March 12, 2012
As a woman, I hate kissing people on the cheek so a hand wave and a simple hello/goodbye are employed most of the time.
But I'm also a hugger and will prefer to do that but I know not everyone else is comfortable with it - so you choose your audience, basically.
If I'm around someone who I know will probably get off on the hug-based contact and I'm not interested, I will always just do the hand wave/head nod.
Maybe if you think you might get all inappropriately erect, you don't hug certain people and instead use a salutation for them that requires no bodily contact.
posted by mleigh at 2:10 PM on March 12, 2012
I am not a hugger, so I was shocked when I moved to a country where everyone kissed cheeks and I LOVED it. I'm tall, so I didn't have to worry about where to put my arms (over or under theirs?), and it was so quick: kiss, kiss DONE. So maybe you're not a hugger, but perhaps a cheek kisser? Or a hand shaker? Even though I have no friends in the US to kiss cheeks with, it is quite a relief to know I'm not hopelessly awkward in all forms of physical expression.
posted by Maarika at 3:07 PM on March 12, 2012
posted by Maarika at 3:07 PM on March 12, 2012
I absolutely hate hugging with anyone I'm not seriously involved with. The hug culture doesn't have to be right, you know, and you have every right to find it distasteful. If you do find it distasteful, just don't do it. That's allowed.
posted by Decani at 3:55 PM on March 12, 2012
posted by Decani at 3:55 PM on March 12, 2012
Best answer: It sounds like your problem is not hugging technique, but that your brain goes into overdrive with every hug. That is, you sexualise the hug without wanting to and then you worry about that and then you worry about the worry cramping your style etc etc and it turns into this thing.
Hugs shouldn't be that anxiety inducing!
I think it's probably best to stop worrying about sexualising a hug. The more you obsess, the worse it gets. So ok, think "yay boobs" and then forget about it. I certainly enjoy the feel of a guy's biceps or his aftershave. So what?
Maybe if you take these thoughts more in stride you'll be better able to focus on the friendshippy cosy part of hugging afterwards. Instead of wasting even more seconds on "must not think about boners".
posted by Omnomnom at 4:17 PM on March 12, 2012 [1 favorite]
Hugs shouldn't be that anxiety inducing!
I think it's probably best to stop worrying about sexualising a hug. The more you obsess, the worse it gets. So ok, think "yay boobs" and then forget about it. I certainly enjoy the feel of a guy's biceps or his aftershave. So what?
Maybe if you take these thoughts more in stride you'll be better able to focus on the friendshippy cosy part of hugging afterwards. Instead of wasting even more seconds on "must not think about boners".
posted by Omnomnom at 4:17 PM on March 12, 2012 [1 favorite]
I have a platonic guy friend who actually says something like "Yay! Boobs!" out loud when hugging, and because it fits so well with the rest of his personality it doesn't come off as creepy at all. I don't recommend actually going his route and voicing your inner monologue, but it might help you to relax to know that you're not alone.
posted by MsMolly at 10:07 AM on March 13, 2012 [2 favorites]
posted by MsMolly at 10:07 AM on March 13, 2012 [2 favorites]
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